Life advice for a new mom?

Aquajock

Aquajock

Cathlete
Hello, all you moms! I would like to ask your input:

A dear friend of mine and her husband had their first child, a wonderful little boy, last September. She was working fulltime, and he was/is in the midst of a semi-career transition. After being able to take several weeks off for maternity leave, she is back working four full days a week. Her husband's work schedule is somewhat more flexible and he is able to care for Munchkin a great deal, as are many of her relatives who live in the same area.

As might be expected, my friend is finding the transition extremely challenging: ongoing time demands; the challenges of caring for an infant; the continual emotional pull of wanting to be with her child and yet having to earn a living; etc. She is finding it difficult to balance everything, and to eke out a nanosecond for herself at the same time.

I would like to ask all of you for your suggestions as to how you coped with or are coping with the challenges of new motherhood. I am childfree by choice, so I'm precisely zero help due to lack of experience. I did suggest that she start interacting with other women who have been in or are in the same situation she is in, to get not only the empathy that can only come from shared experience but also some good practical tips on how to balance all of these life changes.

I will be away from a computer until next Tuesday, but I would sincerely appreciate your tips - my friend knows me as Annette Queen of the Free Advice (and ya get whatcha pay for, ar ar)

TIA -

Happy Valentime's Day!

Happy President's Day!

Save The Spotted Owl!

A-Jock
 
Hi,
i am offering suggestions as a new mom and also as a paid advice giver, i am a therapist. The idea of talking with other moms is a great idea. The big advice I have to give is she needs to care of herself, on the weekends she needs to do something for herself and have someone , hubby or someone else babysit. Daily if she can , she should do something small for herself, a hot bath, exercise, whatever works for her. Also she needs to give herself some slack. As women we expect to do everything perfectly, make sure your friend knows she only human. Make sure she knows it is ok to ask for help and admit when stressed. Hope this helps.
 
Tell her to RUN do not WALK to the nearest playgroup for new moms in her area.

There is NOTHING like being around other moms. Being a new mother of a newborn can be very isolating and emotionally exhausting and only other moms of newborns can relate well enough to really provide an outlet.....

Lots of area hospitals serve as sort of a point of contact for this, assigning moms to playgroups depending on age of children and where you live.
 
I am not going to be much help here as I have some pretty radical views of motherhood and raising children. I don't think we were made to do it all and somehow women have been thrust into this role as combination breadwinners/wives/mothers/chauffers/etc... I honestly don't know how they do it. But, if she is choosing to attempt to do all of this, I would also advise her to find a mother's group specifically for women who share the challenges of being a working parent. If she is in a professional position she may want to seek out a group with likeminded women, as I know she may end up attending a group of moms who are "stay at home" and will have completely different challenges. She may have to try a few groups until she finds one that she feels comfortable in; remind her that they are NOT all the same and it can be a challenge to find a group that you click with.

Is there any way that your friend can work some hours from home, some employers are open to this and in our high tech world it can often be done. She definitely needs some time to do something special for herself, an outlet to keep her sane (like the pursuance of a bicep vein - or something on that order ;) ;) )

Assure her that motherhood is a big adjustment whether you're working outside or in the home, it doesn't come natural to many women and she needs to know that she isn't alone. AND if you ever want the dissortation on radical mothering from a biblical perspective...I'd be happy to go off on a tangent :7 :7 :7

I sincerely hope she can find a support group and your encouragement will mean the world to her. Oh another suggestion...offer to babysit...just for the fun of it. Gives you and hubby a night to live like parents without all the technicalities attached. (I still think you'd make an incredible mom - just think you could have an underwater birth - :p :p :p )

Shopaholic I didn't know you were a therapist - we should probably be paying you for all your great advice. I'm going to be asking you a lot more questions - will it still be free??



Briee
 
How about DVD players that don't play cathe DVD's. I was so irritated this morning, I have a panasonic DVD player that is not playing my Cathe DVD's and so yesterday DH bought me a new Koss DVD player and I'm up bright and early ready to do SB and the intro works but the rest of the DVD says "does not recognize this DVD". (you really don't get too winded watching Cathe say her intro, unless your a newby of course) By this time I'm so mad I could spit (not on my Cathe tapes). And don't you know I bring Step Blast upstairs and it works on our OTHER DVD player which we just bought because it has "the guardian" installed in it, but dh didn't want me to disconnect it all and bring it to the basement, as Cathe never swears, but maybe if she would START swearing dh would let me take this one to the basement and do my workout. So how about it Cathe...just say that Brenda has a cute B#TT and I can work out again, PLEASE.

Briee (I'm sorry this has nothing to do with this thread - I think I'm famous for this). I also STILL think AJ would make a great mom, and she has the potential to genetically pass on some incredible bicep veins....something I think every child would appreciate don't ya think????:p :p :p :p
 
As we all know, Briee, it takes more than just choosing your parents carefully to get the biceps vein!
 
RE: Thanks, everyone!

Thanks to everyone who responded! Sound advice, and Briee, your insights are indeed compelling. I think in these days and times, we're experiencing a profound, seismic social shift in which women are claiming their place in culture outside the home, and men (more slowly, but surely) are claiming their place within it, becoming much more central as caregivers for their children. This is certainly true with my friend and her husband; he's the one who is able to spend more time with the day-to-day caregiving of their child these days. I think women did a disservice to themselves in the '70's by beating the drum "You can have it all" - well, maybe you can, but you can't have it all at once. Finding the balance is the great challenge.

And Briee - two words:

SONY

DVD

PLAYER

(well, that's three words, but what the *&^^)

Thanks to all again!

A-Jock
 
RE: Thanks, everyone!

Hi,

My heart goes out to your friend. I, too, found the transition to being a mom, and a working mom, at that, very difficult even though I had very much wanted to be a mom. It took me a while to realize that having a child means that you have to make adjustments in nearly all aspects of your life. Before I realized this I was going crazy trying to do everything like I didn't have a child and I got very frustrated in the process.

Having a child means that your marriage will need to go through a period of adjustment. This is true not only with the first, but also with every subsequent child--at least I've found that to be the case, and I have a very strong marriage and 5 kids. Becoming a parent will bring into play each spouse's different ideas about parenting and the division of household and child-related labor. When time is scarce, conflicts may arise. Also, becoming a parent may also cause you to rethink your own childhood and cause one to work through different issues related to that.

Being a mother of an infant is also physically exhausting. The exhaustion will let up, particularly when the infant begins to walk and sleeps more soundly through the night. I have never felt so bone-tired as during the first year of each of my kid's lives. This exhaustion often results in a decrease of the mother's sex drive, which the husband may interpret as rejection. Fear of another pregnancy and the pain of recovering from a difficult birth can also decrease sex drive.

Being aware of these issues can help. Often these issues can simmer below the surface, causing extra stress. It is good that the husband can watch the baby. I know for us, in the beginning my husband was so afraid that he would do something wrong that I didn't have any time away from the baby except for work. Once I forced myself to leave the baby with him and he realized he could care for it without anything terrible happening, life improved. Also, finding someone to babysit so that you can go out as a couple once a week is very important.

Another area in which adjustments need to be made is in regards to expectations about work and about everyday life. It took me some time before I realized that I was expecting to get as much done in the same amount of time as I did before I had the baby, and as a result I was very frustrated when I wasn't able to get it all done. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, you can't just expect life to go on as it did before you had a baby. Having children makes everything take longer, and you also have to accept that unexpected emergencies are the rule rather than the exception.

This usually means that adjustments need to be made in one or both parent's jobs. At least one parent needs to have flexibility in their job. Unfortunately, many employers don't recognize this, or if they do, they then end up "punishing" the employee with less rewarding work. Also, working from home or working part-time is not as easy as it sounds. If you work from home, you either have some form of childcare once the child stops sleeping all the time, or you need to work during naps and at naptime which means no time to yourself. Also, if you work part-time, it is hard because you're neither fully at work nor fully at home. I have done all manner of iterations of working at home, working part-time, full time mom, and grad student. For myself, I am the happiest in the part-time role, and as my children get older, I find that they need more time and this is a necessity in our family.

Having a child is a major event in one's life. It is one of those events that can trigger depression--even after the postpartum period. Raging hormones can also contribute to this. My hormones were all over the place during that first year. Every month I had some new scheme as to what I was going to do with my life with regards to career and being a mom. In retrospect, I realize that I should have gone to see a doctor about regulating my moods. Someone once gave me the advice of not making any major life decisions during this time. Everybody is different, but I found it to be good advice--or at least to give any major decisions some time.

I also recommend finding others that your friend can share experiences with. However, it's important to find others who will be honest and who you click with. I remember feeling very isolated when I would mention to different friends of ours how difficult it was, especially since our first child was very intense, demanding a lot of attention and was very strong-willed. (Actually they've all been intense and strong-willed!) My "friends" acted like they didn't know what I was talking about. (Although they did in later years when their "perfect" children started acting up!) It was so comforting to find a group where we could share ideas about parenting with each other--and you often realize that your troubles and/or parenting skills aren't so bad compared to others!

I'm sorry this post is so long. I certainly hope it isn't too preachy. All I know is that this can be a very difficult transition. For some people, the first child is easy, but later children are difficult. I actually found that having a second child was a lot easier--not only had I gone through the transition to being a mom and was more at peace with it, but the second child kept the first entertained part of the time, which gave me a little more breathing room. Also, things will get easier as the year goes on--as she adjusts and as the child is not so physically taxing. Above all, your friend needs to find some ways to take care of herself--which can be near impossible--and to find time to just simply be with her child without trying to accomplish everything. This can be very difficult , even for stay at home moms, but is vital to being able to feel the joy of motherhood.

Leigh Ann
 
RE: Thanks, everyone!

Briee, you're going to have to breakdown and buy yourself a good quality DVD player. Price is NOT an issue (they're less than $100). You cannot put a price on your sanity. Go get yourself a decent DVD player!!!!!!!

**Melanie**
Justin born 1/17/04
Jory born 4/9/94

" Take care of your body like it will last a lifetime. Take care of your soul like it will last for eternity"
 
RE: Thanks, everyone!

Leigh Ann...you had some wonderful insights there, I'm sure AJ's friend would love to sit and chat with you sometime!!!

We all have to be careful not to judge what others are going through, compassion can go a long way. ie....I used to think that my cousins 3 little ones were just lacking discipline when my she would tell me stories of their latest antics......then God blessed me with Hannah (baby number 5). (wish I would have just been more compassionate to begin with - but I'm learning from my mistakes).

Mothering seems to come easy for some, but to others it's a major adjustment. One thing I should add....for years I tried to be the best mom in the world...supermom to be exact. After going through a severe depression about 5 years ago.....I gave up. GAVE UP COMPLETELY and miraculously, my dh had to step in and help out quite a bit more. He became the leader of the family, got into the kitchen and began to cook, led family devotions (which I had been doing), organized the house and got the kids going (I was feeling like I was always the bad guy with pressing the kids to do their school, etc.). And after that happened the most amazing things began to occur. My dh and I developed a much better relationship, our intimate relationship (the one that I had lost complete interest in due to nursing and high-need child demands) completely turned around to the point that I was bugging him (this alone will completely change your relationship for the better :7 :7 :7 I believe husbands can tolerate a lot of stuff if this part of the relationship is doing well - even enormous Cathe orders and exercise paraphenalia). I should have given up and shared these responsibilities years before, but live and learn. Didn't mean to ramble on again.

Thanks for more sony DVD encouragement Melanie. SOON I hope!!

And AJ.....you'd make a rotten parent.... crappy, crummy, awful, @#$%%$#@#$%. Life will be far better for everyone involved if you NEVER have children, and if the thought should ever overtake you, WHICH IT WON'T.....I'll let you spend a day with Hannah, who is incredibly sweet.....when she is asleep. Whewwwwwww.....are you happier now??? }( }( }( }(

Briee (AJ's friend.....yes????)
 
RE: Thanks, everyone!

Briee,

I think your point about giving up on being supermom is so important. I was thinking about this last night. We grow up in this society that tells us that we have to be supermoms, regardless of our circumstances (working mom, stay at home mom, etc.) in order to feel good about ourselves. I have since come to realize that this is a false form of pride for lack of a better word. I now understand why the first 3 steps of 12-step programs talk about realizing that we can't do it all but recognizing a higher power that can help us.

I, too, have given up on being supermom, and on the guilt that comes with not being able to do it all. I think we (my family) is a whole lot happier now!

Leigh Ann
 
RE: Thanks, everyone!

Briee, you brought up many good points, as usual. ;-) You're such a wise woman.
Anyway, I struggle with giving up the supermom syndrome daily. It's so difficult, but we just can't excel in EVERYTHING. I'm learning to priortize my life: God, Hubby, kids, career. There are days when I have to go minute by minute re-priortizing b/c society would rather my list be in another order.
On the second note. I believe that sexual contentment is such an important issue in a marriage. I believe that it can be used as warfare if it is left neglected. My DH (and I) are much, much happier when we are connected both in and out of the bedroom. Currently, I am trying to make this one of my priorities in our marriage...b/c I know how important it is. I have to tell you, this is incredibly difficult with a 6-week old that loves to be cuddled!!!!

**Melanie**
Justin born 1/17/04
Jory born 4/9/94

" Take care of your body like it will last a lifetime. Take care of your soul like it will last for eternity"
 
RE: Thanks, everyone!

Melanie....I could tell you were a supermom (in a good sense) just by all the incredible remodeling projects you were swinging while pregnant and working mega hours and etc..... You are doing amazing things, but it sounds like you are keeping your priorities in check.

I can tell you are balancing everything well with dh because you own the IS series on DVD and your dh is still happy :7 :7 :7 :7 . (told ya that works - please forgive me I couldn't resist!!).

Briee
 
RE: Thanks, everyone!

Briee, you are too kind. Thanks for the nice words. Is continual 'self-improvement' projects also a symptom of superwoman syndrome? I'm always trying to improve on faults. I have so many...it'll take a lifetime to tackle the tip of the iceberg. It's a good thing I'm surrounded by so many people gracious people!

So Briee, you know what your task is, right? You know how to get your new DVD player, don't you? Now go get it. :-D :-D :-D (now I couldn't resist)!!!!!!

**Melanie**
Justin born 1/17/04
Jory born 4/9/94

" Take care of your body like it will last a lifetime. Take care of your soul like it will last for eternity"
 
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