I've got a bit of a problem.....

M

MariamS

New Member
Hi everyone. Been lurking for just about a month now. I am trying to lose about 30 pounds, but only have ME and Boot Camp Cathe videos.

The weight is not my only problem. I have a DD who is 20 and our family has grown to love her boyfriend. They have been dating for about a year now. She just recently broke up with him. I have been trying to get them back together, but in doing so, I feel like I have been falling for him myself. Now, I am already married with children and have been for 14 years now. I didn't ask for this to happen and I am not sure when it happened, but I can't stop thinking about him. When he comes over to visit our family, I feel drawn to him, but I never let on to him my feelings other than just smile and listen to him when he talks of his frustrations with trying to get back with DD. He once told me that he met this girl at a party. Same party DD had her friends go to. DD was told there was no girl there talking to him....he lied. He told me that the girl he met was older and that he didn't mind going out with someone even several years older than himself. Was he trying to tell me something? I don't know. My feelings are disturbing to me because I am already married and my feelings for my husband have not changed so I don't know how to shut this off. Any advice?
Thanks.
Mariam
 
My only advice is that you do whatever it is you have to do to avoid being around this boy. Do not try to get him back together with your daughter. Do not jeopardize your marriage over him. You have a husband you love and a family. It's not worth throwing that away over this.

I think it's common to feel attracted to someone other than one's spouse at some point in your life. But leave it at that. An attraction.
 
Mariam,
You are in dangerous waters. And if anything would ever happen, your daughter would be very hurt. When situations like this happens, someone always gets hurt. Let it be yourself and drop this thing.

My marriage has had a few challneges like this. I am always glad I took the high road. As much fun as it is to have someone interested in you, people get hurt!

Melissa

Keep your head in line. Your butt will follow.

http://www.picturetrail.com/pellmel
 
I don't have any advice but wanted to say that maybe just getting it out in the open like this will help you work through those feelings. Obviously they are making you very uncomfortable.
 
Mariam,

Shelley and rest are right, you need to get out of this situation immediately. Your daughter could get hurt by this, your family and you. If this is something difficult for you to ignore then possibly you could go talk to a therapist. I'm not saying you're crazy, but it could help talk to someone and get it all out.



kim
 
I'm going to be very blunt. Is this 20 year old boy (and he IS a boy), worth losing your husband and your daughter over? Because it's a very good possibility that that would happen if you were to indulge.
 
First of all, who cares if the boy was serious about falling for older women - it is territory that you should stay clear of.

You WOULD, not could, WOULD create major family troubles if you pursued this. As Shelley said, leave it as an attraction and move on. Acting on this could cause you to lose your husband, daughter, home, respect of others, and the list goes on and on....
 
It's your daughter I'm concerned about. You're an adult and you can take care of yourself. I definitely wouldn't think this guy was good enough for any daughter of mine.

This may sound harsh but it's my honest opinion which you seem to be asking for. I don't understand how a mother could find herslef in this position. Do you LOVE your daughter? Is her well being uppermost in your mind? Would you lay your life on the line for her? Would you make sacrifices for her? Are you committed to your role as mother? These are the kinds of terms most women use when describing their feelings and attitudes towards their children.

Please, think long and hard before you do something that will cause irrepairable damage to your daughter, your husband---your entire family.

Michele
 
Mariam,

I think it's perfectly natural to have these feelings. Attraction happens. And, it's flattering to know that someone is attracted to you. That said, there's no reason to confuse having feelings with permission to act on them. If possible, do what the other wise women here have said; acknowledge your feelings to yourself and MOVE ON. Do not be alone with this guy. Do not be a listening ear. Do not spin fantasies starring him. Don't trade a moment of "woo-hoo!" for a lifetime of "what the hell was I thinking?" :D Think of your family. In time your feelings will most likely fade off.

Good luck to you.

Sparrow


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
HI Mariam, I'm not going to beat up on you because we've all been in strange positions in our lives, even positions others would frown upon.
Having said that, I think maybe you should not be around this boy any longer. Avoid having him visit your and your husbands home and DON'T try to get him back together with your daughter. She will find a new person to spend time with, we all do when break ups happen. It's not your place to fix her relationship. Especially with your feelings.
Avoid him!
 
Ditto what everyone else said, and I'll go a step further. My husband and I went through a rocky period several years ago, and I began an "emotional" affair with a man here at my work. I thought I was in love with him because he made me feel so good about myself. (He was my age, by the way, but I think the age issue is neither here nor there.) I was so drawn to him because of how he was making me feel about myself. He was giving me the emotional support that I didn't feel like I was getting from my husband. When my husband found out, I can honestly say that this emotional affair was every bit as devestating to my marriage as my husband's sexual affair had been only months before. My advice to you is this ~ avoid ANY situations in which you would be around this boy. YOur attraction to him WILL diminish over time, I guarantee it. I felt head over heels for this man, and when I decided that it was time to turn it off, I did. I haven't seen him in 2 years now, and I can honestly say that I never even think about him.

Whatever this guy could give you certainly wouldn't be comparable to what you would be giving up in terms of your relationship with your daughter and your marriage.

Sarah
 
Wow, that's quite a first post!

I agree with the others. Young men may often have fantasies about "experienced" older women, but it's not something that is going to last for him. As for your attraction to him: you should stay far away from this boy.
 
I agree with the girls, just wipe your hands clean of the whole situation and snap back into reality.
No doubt we have all had harder times in our marriages.None of us are perfect or even claim to be.But your daugther should be top on the list here.You could ruin so much more then your marriage and things that can never be healed.I think a mothers betrayal would have to be the biggest heart break to handle.A mother is there to protect us, not to hurt us.
Not only that but if your daughter doesn't want to be with this guy, why are you persuing it? I think she is old enough to make up her own mind as to what she wants.And she has a life time a head of her.I know that if this were my mom, I would be totally anger that the boy I use to date is still hanging out at my house and my mom allows it.
You need to let him know how your daughter feels, he will stop comming around, and ALL of you will be much better off in the end.
Lori:)
 
> Not only that but if your daughter doesn't want to be with
>this guy, why are you persuing it?

Yeah, that is a bit strange. Did this attraction begin before their breakup, perhaps?
 
Hey, if you have an itch you should scratch it. Otherwise it'll just make you crazy for the rest of your life. I say GO FOR IT!!!!!!
 
>Hey, if you have an itch you should scratch it.<


LMAO!!! Laura!:eek: }( :7 }(

Hmm. Guess that answers that question.
 
Grow UP!!!!!!!!!! think about YOUR daughter, and your family! x( x(
It would completely destroy your family, for what? This would be passing for both you and the boyfriend, but your relationship with your family would NEVER be the same!

Sorry to be harsh, but sounds like you NEED a reality check!

Ann Marie
 
Not to be harsh, but when I first read this post, I thought is she for real? Jerry Springer was my next thought. I guess I like to live in "la la" land and think things like this only happen on TV. Anyway, I recommend some good family counseling. Something is going wrong with your family. At least look into some good self counseling. JMO. Good luck.
 
You know, when I first read this post I thought, "Wow! She trusts this forum enough to expose something that's sincerely bothering her to a bunch of strangers". I saw it as a vote of confidence to the ladies on this forum that she would get some sympathetic and useful responses.

As I see it, there are times in life where we experience feelings we just don't understand. For some, these feelings may come early in life and for other, a little later. Due to various reasons, wanting these feelings to go away doesn't always work. That's where talking to someone, anyone, comes in handy.

I guess I'm just disappointed to see a nasty comment or two.
 
My first thought was that this post could not possibly be real. But then I thought, well, you never know. It could be someone who has been lurking, or someone who wanted an alternative identity (sheesh, I watch too much TV!).

If this is real, I would say, you really should try to find a counselor and talk through your feelings. Probably your best bet would be a family systems counselor, because they are trained to determine where such issues originate and how to deal with the original problem and not just the symptoms. It could be that you are on some level "competing" with your daughter through this boy.

Feelings are just feelings unless you make them something more. I agree that pursuing this will absolutely blow your entire life up.

Good luck,
Marie
 
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