Is this normal?

M

Mariela

Cathlete
I thought I had mastered the art of saying a complex thought in just a few words... and I owe it to my dear husband. BUT he still gets bored when I share my ideas with him even if I say them in LESS than 10 words and then shut up. He blames me for his boredom. He says that my voice is so "soft" that it puts him to sleep. I think the problem is that I speak in a monotone voice (when speaking in Spanish). I know people who find my conversation engaging and I usually don't talk much to people who don't. I listen, then. I guess my question is: Do you think it is probably necessary to do something about it or is my DH just being a jerk?}(
 
To be perfectly honest, and I assume that you are wanting honesty, it sounds like he's being a jerk and blaming you. If he were truly interested in you and what you say, it doesn't matter if you speak in a monotone voice and say an entire 50 page speech, he would still pay attention! I am sorry to be so blunt, and I may not be getting entire picture, but that's how I am seeing it.
Just my 2 cents.
 
That's sad and heart wrenching, you want to share your ideas with him, your life partner, and he not only shuts you down but sportingly disregards you and says you bore him. That is so devoid of kindness and smacks of being a bully. If it makes him feel superior to make you feel inferior then he is is at the very LEAST a jerk. We all have the right to be heard without harsh and flippant judgement in our own homes with those who say they love us! ((((((Hugs)))))).

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
That's not normal at all. That's scraping the bottom of the barrel, trying to find something to pick on. Why should you worry about how you talk? That's you, that's who you are. Take it or leave it, I'd say.
 
Thank you. Even though I know the answer in the bottom of my heart, it is always good to hear it from someone else too, so I have a more realistic view of how others perceive me. :)
 
I'm so sorry. Your DH sounds like a controlling jerk. I don't think there's anything you can really do about it - he's the one with the problem, not you. :-(
 
I agree with the other posters, but it is also true that some people go round and round the subject, never getting to a point and giving way too many details. This is boring.

I'm not saying that's what you're doing, I just disagree that it's not fair to prefer someone concise, or to comment on long-windedness. It's not entirely a "take it or leave it" situation all the time.

But in your case, yes, he sounds like he's being unreasonable.
 
I would "raise" my voice and tell him what a jerks he's being...maybe then he won't feel so "sleepy".

I was once in a controlling relationship...long time ago...its very demeaning to your self.
 
I'm going to add another possibility.

I have a coworker that has a hard time listening for any period of time. He gets distracted and bored with conversation quickly.

He has ADD.

If your DH has ADD, then having a hard time focusing/listening is typical.

If your DH doesn't have ADD, then he's a jerk.
 
I have BD and sometimes my symptoms resemble those of ADD. Two of my sisters have ADD. I wonder if I have it too, besides the BD. I think that DH has ADD, but it hurts me that he blames ME for his problem. He is the only adult I see on a daily basis and he tries to make me believe that everybody else would agree with him about the negative things he says about me, which he, by the way, exaggerates and makes more dramatic than they really are. I'm not talking about serious things, just things like the way I talk, my voice when singing, gestures I make... Yes, I shouldn't make a big fuss about it, but it hurts coming from my "soul mate".

Edited to add: When meeting with other people, I usually see a big contrast between what DH has tried to make me believe that others feel about me, and how others actually feel about me.
 
(**sigh**) It always pains me to read posts like this. It sounds like he is successfully whittling away at your self-esteem.

What will you do with affirmation you receive here that he's a jerk?
 
I am no psychologist but ADD is used as an excuse for an awful lot of things. I don't care if he has ADD or not, or what the heck he has, there is no reason to talk to you spouse or partner in such a demeaning way. I don't think "soulmates" do that to each other.

To me it sounds like there is a lot of insecurity on his part, so he needs to bring you down, in order feel powerful. I am sorry to say this, but it sounds like an abusive situation to me. You need to do something before it gets out of control!

Don't let him destroy your self-esteem. You are a beautiful, strong and smart woman, you deserve much better than this.

Good luck to you!

Carola
 
ADD or no ADD he shouldn't be treating you that way.

A DH should be building you up and making you feel good about yourself- Not bringing you down... Sounds like he is being very hurtful.
 
I never said that my DH *is* a jerk. I was talking about him *being* a jerk in a particular situation or aspect (just like I am sometimes a jerk), which is a very small thing compared to all the good in him, but it does bother me because it hurts. Now, if he were successfully whittling away my self-esteem I wouldn't be talking about it so lucidly. I have a high self-esteem, but one thing is the way I feel about myself and other, the way I feel about the way DH feels about me.

I am a highly sensitive person and I experience and perceive this world differently than most people. For example, when I was a kid I remember that I was bothered when my sisters said bad things about me. My Mom used to tell me: "If you know it is not true, why are you bothered?" And my answer was and still is: "Of course I know it is not true, and that is exactly why I am bothered. Don't they love me?" There is an invisible connection between people and it hurts when people break it. It has nothing to do with self esteem. I am fine with myself.
 
Oh .. my oh my ...

first .. {{{I thought I had mastered the art of saying a complex thought in just a few words... and I owe it to my dear husband }}}

my first thought .. WHY??? you owe it to your husband to limit your conversation to a condensed version of whatever it is you are trying to convey??? OMG .. PLEASE .. GMAB .. no way would I do this .. (and I don't like to talk that much .. but when I do I would expect my DH to listen to me)

... second thought .. he IS being a jerk .. a very demeaning jerk .. IA w/the person that said I would raise my voice until he did hear me .. OH YEAH .. like VERY loudly until he heard what I wanted to say .. then if he still smarted off to me I would tell him to kiss my @$$ .. (sorry .. not very lady like but think it is warranted!)

...seriously .. a life partner should WANT to talk with you .. and listen to your ideas .. does he have to agree w/them. .no .. but at least give you the respect of hearing you out ..

some men do tune women out ... (sorry guys) .. I think that is normal .. to a certain extent .. but tuning you out and being down right rude is two totally different things ..

.. I am sure there are many men out there that would be more than happy to listen to you .. hhmmm .. think you should remind your hubby of that ...

;)
 
>Now, if he were successfully whittling away my
>self-esteem I wouldn't be talking about it so lucidly.

It has nothing to do with self esteem. I am fine
>with myself.
>
>

Mariela,
No offense, but if this were true, I don't think you would have posted your question in the first place. Please stop second-guessing yourself - it's not you! The kind of treatment you've described is unacceptable.
 
I am not sure I am following your thought process. You say you have high self esteem but you let your husband talk to you in a demeaning way??? You are unsure about the way your DH feels about you, this usually is not associated with high self-esteem.

I am really struck by some of your comments "I thought I had mastered the art of saying a complex thought in just a few words... and I owe it to my dear husband" Is what you have to say not important and your hubby needs to show you the ropes?

"This is a very small thing compared to all the good in him" this is exactly what my girlfriend told me after she was beat up by her husband.

It sounds like you are making excuses for him and blame yourself, "I am a highly sensitive person ....."

I wouldn't presume to understand your relationship with your husband, I don't know either one of you. Some of your comments, however, set up a lot of red flags for me. It maybe a good idea to suggest couple counseling to your husband, so you both can learn to better communicate.

I don't want to sound offensive and I apologize if I do, don't mean to.

Good Luck!

Carola
 
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