I'm Having an Identity Crisis (long)

pink_fortitude

pink_fortitude

Banned
Okay, who can relate?

I am Dan's wife. I am Mariah, Layne and Logan's mom. I feel like that is all that I am. I don't feel like I am anything but a mother and a wife. I feel like I have lost my identity as a woman, as a person. I know that what I am doing is important - it is hard work to teach children to be responsible, independant, honest, respectful, and loving. I love my job as a mother, but I have lost my sense of self.
I love my husband. But sometimes, I feel so suffocated by him. He is gone from 9-8 during the week, and when he gets home he wants to cuddle and spend time with me, and all I want to do is sleep. I have had kids hanging on me all day, I have been a judge, a cop, a maid, a chef, a chauffer, a nurse, a laundromat, and a teacher since 7 a.m. I know he has been at work all day and needs to unwind, and he is really great at helping around the house and is a wonderful father, but sometimes I just feel like if one more person asks something of me, my head is going to blow and everyone in the line of fire....AGH!
So anyways, I changed my username on all the accounts I have to something that is more "me" and less "we" (everything I had has our names combined, dananmis) and DH is hurt (even though he has HIS own usernames!!!!!) and now I am feeling even more smothered! x(
I don't want to write a book, and there is a lot that I can't fit in, but does anyone else ever feel this way? I have a bunch of friends that we unfortunately don't live near anymore so I feel really isolated. I don't know what else to add, but I guess I also just want to feel "alive" and vibrant again, if you know what I mean.
Am I alone????


Missy
 
Awww Missy, I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I know raising kids is THE hardest profession there is and I'm sure you are an awesome Mom. I don't know if I can help you at all but my suggestion would be to get out and meet friends whether it be at a park, library, coffee shop, (I'd say the GYM but we have that covered, eh?), church or whatever is closeby for you. Are your kids young? I think that is the hardest time to make time for YOU. As they get older you will feel better and they will probably get involved in school sports which is also a great way to meet others. I think it's kind of cute actually that your hubby liked you combining him in your screen name and maybe be thankful he cares. I also think it's okay for you to have your OWN screen name! :p Sorry, I know I haven't helped much but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and hope it all works out SOON!
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie")http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
Missy,

I only know you as YOU! I don't know anything about the kids or the husband. Just YOU!! When you come here, you are the woman with her own opinions and goals and thoughts and feelings. So what if DH doesn't like the name change. Tell him you gave up your last name for him already, what does it matter to him what you are called online?

Lunacat :D
 
Missy - I agree with Lunacat! I don't know anything about your husband or your kids. On this forum, you are Missy, not someone's wife or mom or whatever. And I love your new username! :D
 
Raising two hands here, Missy. Soon after I got married, I hyphenated my name because my husband acted hurt that I still planned to use the name I was born with. Well, it generated so many problems. My name, which is already difficult to pronounce, got longer and even more difficult to pronounce. People didn't know what to call me. And when I met my husband's father, I thought, "I'm linking MY father's name with THAT CREATURE?" Needless to say, I took out the hyphenation, even though in our legal documents it is still there, but when I introduce myself, I use the names my parents gave me. My husband isn't thrilled about it, but I appreciate how he also introduces me sans his name.

Then there's motherhood. Oh boy. Just last night I was talking to my brother about how I have to switch careers if I want to go back to work. I NEED to have a NO-BRAINER job. I am a creative person who used to have a demanding job as a graphic designer. I can't reconcile motherhood with a job that requires a lot of creativity and is also as demanding as motherhood. Motherhood, as blessed as it is, can be life-sucking. It is the antithesis of creativity. I can't have two demanding jobs and be sane. Be that as it may, I love my son, am extremely protective of him and will fight to the death for his welfare. But yeah, where does that leave me?

My husband isn't the demanding type though. I guess I lucked out there.:) He works long hours, doesn't really ask for much (I guess because he knows I can be cruel if I'm pushed too hard), and leaves me to my own devices. The flipside of this kind of marriage is that we don't really have much of a marriage. We're just like room mates, and because we have a high-maintenance special needs child, I can also see how his identity has been reduced to being my husband, the provider, and Andrew's dad. We both know it, but can't do much about it. At least not yet, while our son's going through a lot of therapy.

I can understand how you can feel isolated. Being a wife and mom and nothing else can really turn one's brain into mush. Ten years ago I was discussing social responsibility theories in media with a professor. I was raised in a cerebral family full of engineers, where dinner discussions ranged from Shakespeare to calculations for the strength of materials. These days I'm surrounded by Spongebob Squarepants, Sharkboy and Lava Girl, and Timmy Turner and his fairy godparents. It's enough to make one crazy. I do know this isn't forever. So I try really hard to cherish the days with my kid. I know that one day he won't want to hang around me anymore. I know that'd be a liberating time, but it'd also be a sad time. Hey, if you need to talk, give me a holler. I'll e-mail you my e-mail address, is that okay? Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

Pinky
 
"I do know this isn't forever. So I
try really hard to cherish the days with my kid. I know that
one day he won't want to hang around me anymore. I know that'd
be a liberating time, but it'd also be a sad time."

You are so right. That is exactly what I needed to hear. We have such a short time with our children. After they are gone, I will have plenty of time for the things that I want to do (that doesn't mean that I can't carve out some time for myself). Right now, I am in charge of three very precious souls that are the loveliest creatures on this planet, and I am INCREDIBLY blessed to bear the responsibility of raising them. I am right where I need to be in life. I just need to get out more and have some intellegent conversations (my family was a lot like yours, it sounds!) ;)

This board is so cool! Luna, Emily, Pinky, you guys rock! Margheritas on me! Of course they are non-alchoholic and invisible, but but raise your empty glasses and cheers anyways!

ETA Oops, I forgot Debbie, I'm sorry! What will you be drinking?


Missy
 
Missy,

I have four children. My oldest is 25 years old and my youngest is 3 years old. Sometimes I look at my three year old and ask myself "What the h*^& were you thinking?":) But the bittersweet reality is that she's going to be grown and gone in the blink of an eye. I don't see my 25 and 23 year old children nearly as much as I would like to. That makes it even sadder for me when I reflect back on their childhoods and realize that the memories are foggy and distant.

As for my husband, we almost never have time for one another but at least we're both content knowing that we will have all the time in the world later and cherish what life is now. We went through a very rocky period when the three year old was a baby. Things could have gone really really bad for our relationship and were without a doubt headed that way. But we had the sense to just embrace what today's reality is and to make our happiness happen.

In addition to working out at home with videos I run alot. I run anything from 5Ks to marathons and believe that having running goals helps because they give me something to focus on that is about just me. I'm not suggesting that you do what I do but it seems to make a difference when I have any sort of a personal goal. For instance, when I have time, I take classes that I consider fun at the local community college.

These are just a few thoughts coming from someone who has been a mother for a loooong and drawn out time! Hang in there!!! :) They'll be grown and gone soon enough.
 
Missy,

What you feel is just exactly what I am afraid of. I have two kids, one is 7 1/2 and the other is just over 12 mos. I have so much pressure from my husband to give up my job, I just can't. I love my family, my two precious children. But I could not spend all day long with them. It drove me crazy. I want to have some intellegence conversation during the day. But like Pinky said, it's very difficult to maintain two full speed, demanding job at the same time. I could not move up to where my ability allowed me to be since no company wants senoir manager only work 8 hours a day. They want you to be on call. And I feel so tired everyday. I have to get up early to squeez in my workout, then prepare breakfast for everybody, then tried to get the younger one ready for nanny, hauled my older one to get ready for school. After 12 hrs outside of house (including commute), I had to rush to get my daughter out of after school care. While feeding my younger one, I cooked for dinner. Then my husband helped me to give bath to little one, while letting my older one eat by herfself. If I am lucky, little one could fall asleep right after we change him into pajama. Then my husband gets a chance to eat. I have to do homework with my daughter. I could not eat a full meal while helping her doing the homework, my mind just not in the food. By the time she finishs her homework, I get to clean out while she taking the bath. When I'am done with the kitchen, I am exhausted but my day is not over yet. My daughter is waiting for me for the bed time reading...After 20 min reading, it's time for her to go to sleep, while I have to try matches to keep my eye lids from gluing together. There, my day is still not over yet. My husband is waiting for me...

Sometimes I feel I am being pulling from all different directions. I wanted to scream!!! I don't feel good about myself, career wise, I am not in the place I supposed to be. For my kids, I could not spend as much time as those stay home mom. I feel guilty when my daughter could not get better scores because I could not spend more time helping her projects or homework as others moms did. I don't like my daughter got blame b/c of me. And now my son spends more time with nanny than me. My husband and I get very little time for ourselves. From the time we open our eyes, we keep hoping nights fall, weekends come...But when they did come, it past so fast we hardly feel it...I don't have time to read the books I like, I don't have time to watch movies, one hour workout becomes luxury item...I feel lost too. I asked myself sometimes, whether this craziness is necessary, worth anything? Now the hope the kids going to grow up and become good persons keeps me afloat. Every accomplishment my daughter shows to me, any little bit of growing signs my son shows me giving me the hope, the light in the dark tunnel. Now I really appreciate what my parents did to me. I understand more how much they sacrifice for me.

Isn't it a incredible life cycle?

WantFit
 
Missy and everyone,

Have you considered taking up a hobby that gets you a few hours to yourself each week? Consider trading childcare duties with a neighbor to manage it if you have no relatives to assist or no $$ to spend on a babysitter.

Also you might want to schedule a regular weekly or bi-weekly date with your husband. Then if he knows he can look forward to 'alone' time with you each week or every other week perhaps he will not demand so much attention each evening.

Have you asked him to take on some childcare duties in the evenings so you both can be free later on? You can make it a special Daddy-daughter time (he combs her hair, reads her a book) or father-son time.

I think every mom & wife feels exhausted and unappreciated from time to time, it's important to make time for yourself and for you & hubby as a couple. Just think, someday when the kids are gone - what hobbies will you & hubby share? What relationship will remain if you've resented him and catered to him for so long?

Maybe some folks here can recommend some motherhood forums that will allow you to vent and share your experiences with others in the same boat without having to leave your house & find a babysitter.

Best of luck to you - I'm a mom too and it can be the toughest, most unappreciated job in the world :)

Dawn P.
 
"when he gets home he wants to cuddle and spend time with me"

I really wouldn't complain about this. I wish my husband were like yours. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so isolated and lonely.

Why do you interpret his desire to be with you and be intimate with you as "asking something of you"? Why do you see it as an imposition?

It isclear that you need to recapture for yourself some time every day to be alone and be you and not a mother or a spouse. You will have to be determined and decisive with yourself. You book a baby-sitter/child-minder for a set number of hours per week, then leave the kids and go be you.

It's not difficult to do. You just have to get over the idea that you have to be there for your kids 24/7. Sometimes, and I have leanred this through therapy so I am guilty of it too, you need to let go of what the social ideal of the "mother" is and rewrite it for yourself in a more flexible way. You have to stop thinking that you are the only one who can care for and raise your children: it is a fact that you cannot be everything to them. Especially if it leaves you not knowing where you are anymore.

Once you have sorted this out and reclaimed some "me" time and space, you will feel more secure about who you are, your own needs will be met, and you will be able to enjoy the intimate time with your husband and no longer see him as another person asking you to give, give, give.

Clare
 
Hi Missy:

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

It's so true the kid time goes so quickly. You won't belive how quickly time flies. Mine are now 19 and 16. Part time work is sometimes nice if you can do it. That way you still have the best of both worlds.

Sounds like you are a great Mom and you are putting so much into it you just need some down time. Not sure how old you said they are but do you have other Mom friends. Personally I made great friends through their activities and that's fun for both you and the kids.

Hang in there
 
Missy sweety I truly heard you, NO thank God you are not alone! having a few children is overwhelming, tough job, our dedication is endless, but one day they are going to be young adults, and you are going to miss these days, with their ups and downs, more downs sometimes, is a big challenge you have right now as a young mom, and thank God you are young, so keep up with excercising it will give you stamina, and wait till they are teens, not being sarcastic but the ride is bumpy at times, thank God you have a loving Husband who wants to cuddle, LOL and it is ok to feel the way you feel, it means you are in tune with your feelings, at least you can name what you feel, you are also a human being, a spirit, a female, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a niece, a grandchild, a cousin, a wife, a lover, a friend, a neighbor and you keep adding to the list. Hope you feeling better.

The older I get the more I love me.

http://www.geocities.com/norma123nyc/MyJourney.html
 
Far from it, Missy. You are those things and so many more. Who can say what other things your life may hold? I have felt just as you do and then felt guilty for feeling that way. After all, I am blessed to be able to stay home and not have to work. But it can so feel like drudgery. It can be thankless too. I suck at it sometimes. And sometimes I shine and then I know it's worth it. Norma's tag line says it all. So, you feel those feelings and know they are genuine but there's more to you than wifedom and motherhood even if they seem to dominate your life. Of course, they do. Kids and husbands are so demanding and there are times I wonder what I am missing out on. There are times when I know there's stuff that's going to keep a few more years until the youngest is old enough, assuming he ever is. :) I have plans for the empty nest days to come even if I am not ready to start them yet. Best of all, I have all of you, exercise and all that jazz and life is a journey, not a destination. Where we go may yet surprise us, Missy and you are wonderful, wife, mom, Catheite, friend. I have lately been accused of rebelling. I pierced my nose and Shelley has me thinking a navel ring could be fun. Rich's wife has old Rich on his toes and Rich keeps guessing what comes next. After 18 years, I think that's fabulous. You are you and you are just perfect for this moment. It has it's ups and downs but in the end, I think it's pretty great being a wife and a mom and flopping down exhausted each night, putting off my grand plans for the next big thing. :) That's okay too. It won't always be so. Chin up, girlfriend. They grow up. The kids. Husbands just grow older and peskier, in my case. It is a miracle to walk this earth but sometimes it seems like a chore. Until it doesn't!

Hugs and hugs and more hugs!
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
 
Bobbi, yet again, your post made my day.

So you got a nose ring. Rebelling? No, I think it's more of self-expression.:)

Pinky
 
You guys are so awesome! Thank you so much for the encouragement and words of wisdom and understanding! I am going to bookmark this page so that I can return to it as often as I need to.

I feel SO much better now! I was having some of those days where you feel totally overwhelmed, underappreciated, forgotten and lost. My grandma took the kids for the night so that I could refresh myself and get some alone time with Dan :)* :) much better!) Plus, I went through my closet and got rid of all the stuff that is TOO BIG! That feels WONDERFUL, especially since I only have half of the clothes that I used to!

I do have a wonderful life - my husband loves and adores me, my kids are (for the most part }{) terrific, my family and friends love me, and I belong to the most supporting and understanding board ever! (not to mention I don't have to worry about going hungry, getting sick or having a roof over my head.) Thank you so much for being there in my time of need! :D :D :D :D

Have a blessed day, everyone!

Love you guys!!!!!
Missy

ETA It is so funny that you mentioned getting a nose ring as I have been contemplating that very thing for the past couple of months! I am afraid to, though. I think my nose is too big and I don't want to draw even MORE attention to it! x(
 
I hate days like that. :) Charles Spurgeon says, "Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength." Still, one of the worst things you can do is feel bad about feeling bad. We know so much more than we give ourselves credit for but sometimes it takes getting some of our more negative emotions out there to be able to swing back to feeling in balance. Rich and I have been dating a lot and it has been great! Yay, grandma! :) We were invited to a wedding in Florida at the end of July and his parents want the two of us to come but I don't want to leave my kids, even the teenagers, for 4 days. And Sam I can't leave because my sister Meloday spends the whole summer in Michigan and she isn't here to care for him in my absence. She is the only person who could do it and make me feel comfortable so I said no. And that felt good. NO! And I love the idea of being refreshed, not to mention the accomplishments that makes clothes too big. Can we get a hoot, hoot?

They'll be too facinatied by the nose ring to notice the nose! I can't wait to have a little golden flower adorning my honker.

Pinky, I like the idea of being a rebel. :D I may not actually be hip but I feel a little hip and the teenagers think it's a hoot. My oldest still thinks I am a dork. Rich thinks it a little sexy. He was not thrilled at first. What might people think? But, you are so right, it is a form of expression and I think it makes people wonder what else I might get up to and I like that. I wonder what else I might get up to and I am trying to think of things too. :) I am inspired to lean out my diet, work on my jelly belly, which I have long reviled, and maybe I'll come to love it if I poke a hole in it and adorn it with something pretty? I won't know for sure if I will do this until the day I go to get my nose checked but I have a feeling I'm getting a navel ring.
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
 
Missy,

You've received some great replies. it's obvious we totally understand how you feel from experience! That frustation of being "something to everyone" yet isolated and (for lack of a better word ) STUCK can help motivate a good work out. I eat clean (mostly) and work out good and tough rotations for me. It's my little declaration of who I was, am and will be; unrelated to all those I love and take care of or work for. It's truly satisfying. No guilt. Isn't that the tough part?
 
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