I'm an aunt. Please help.

B

BAM

Cathlete
I have 4 nieces, ages 7, 11, 16 & 18, all from one sister. The 18 year old left for college this year. My sister has been in an unhappy marriage for years. There's lots of screaming and yelling in that house. The kids have been subject to criticism and negativity for a long time. My sister was never the nurturing, encouraging type of person you would hope for in a parent and her husband isn't any better. The things that are said to those kids just breaks my heart. I ALWAYS encourage and praise them and tell them that any negativity they hear has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the person who says it, no matter who it is. I've told them to let those things go in one ear and out the other, among other things I say. I took my sister to counseling years ago but she just doesn't want to make the situation better and I have tried for years to support and help her but talking with her or her husband is not going to be the answer. People have to want to improve a situation and these 2 people don't want to put any effort into this and the kids are the ones who suffer. They take no ownership for their actions.

I don't know how to handle this any more. I take the kids when I can and talk with them on the phone. The two older ones especially will yell back at the parents out of frustration but of course my sister won't acknowledge where they learned that. I'm constantly trying to counteract what they hear. I have them praise themselves and say how intelligent and awesome they are, etc. I have several health issues I'm dealing with myself so its affects are magnified on me right now. Years ago, when I was healthier, I could deal with it better and was even more involved. I have limited energy, physical and emotional, right now so it bothers me that I can't even do more for them. Maybe they'll be all right in the long run but how can I ease up the pain and hurt I feel? I think about this constantly and it just overtakes me. I'm trying to get healthy and the way I'm handling this isn't going to help me heal quickly. I know what I'm doing for the kids is exactly what THEY need from an aunt but I don't know how to deal with MY emotions and I don't know if there's anything else I can do for them. Any suggestions you can offer would be greatly appreciated. I'm just at a loss.

Thank you so much.
Bam
 
Bam -

What a lucky thing for your nieces to have such a caring person in their corner. I think all you can do is continue to keep yourself available for your nieces.

I hear what happens in the house where my nieces live, with the acrimonius behavior of the (now divorced) adults, and I worry for them too, but I am thankful my parents are nearby to act as the balance for the unfortunate situtation the kids face at home.

Are you still in counselling yourself? It sounds like it might be something for you to consider. YOU need to take care of YOURSELF FIRST!

I'm sorry I don't have much to offer except my 'cyber-ear'. Please take care of yourself, the kids will work themselves out, and of course, they have you.

I'm sending you healing energy and positive thoughts.

Take care!

Best regards,
Susan L.G.
 
BAM, I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I second everything Susan said.

I'm also having another thought: Why not go to your sister as a concerned aunt, rather than as a concerned sister? Tell her how concerned you are about the girls, and give specific examples of some things you've noticed about the girls' behavior or the things they've said so she can understand why you're concerned. She needs to see exactly how her behavior is affecting her kids. As someone who loves the kids, you're the perfect person to confront her. But instead of confronting her with her own behavior, confront her with the kids' problems. She'll have to listen to that, right?

Just a thought.

In any event, you're doing a great job of giving the kids a different perspective on themselves, and that's very important. Keep up the good work. It will no doubt pay off in the end. You are a wonderful aunt!!
 
Thank you so much, Susan and Nancy, for your kindness. I am not currently in counseling but have spoken to counselors that I've run into and they tell me exactly what you have...to continue doing what I'm doing. Nancy, I have approached my sister from every angle possible and she just isn't going to get it. She's so miserable inside and won't take any actions to improve any situation in her life. This will give you an idea of how she is. When I mention examples of how things are affecting the kids, she says, "Well, I guess they'll make some psychiatrist rich." See what I'm dealing with?

Thank you again for your support. It means a lot!

Bam

ETA: Susan, I'm glad that your parents are able to impart a positive influence on your nieces. I know this must ease your mind greatly.
 
I don't feel that divorce is always the answer and don't feel the decision should be made lightly but this marriage sounds like it is hopeless. Have your sister and BIL considered going separate ways? Why are they together if they are so miserable? This is a perfect example of how staying in a marriage for the kids (if this is what they are doing) is sooo very wrong and unhealthy for everyone involved.

Hugs and prayers to you and your nieces!!!
 
I agree, confront her with specific examples, but be careful not to sound like you're attacking, she will pull farther away from you.

How about you put it in a letter, and send it with a small bundle of sister/friendship flowers.

But before you confront her, it's crucial you put her first, and say you are very concerned about her as well as the children. Do this at a time when the husband isn't around. Unless there is more to it (drugs, abuse that you know of). Treat her out to a quiet lunch with her favorite foods. Talk to her a LITTLE, do ALOT of listening. Let her tell you how she's feeling. Maybe she feels trapped, resentful, etc. Afterall 4 kids, anyone could easily lose themselves, their identity. Maybe there's things going on behind closed doors you don't see, and she has to put up a wall. Maybe she is long overdue for a vacation. Especially, if she is a SAHM and money is tight. I see so many parents make the same mistake, and take out their frustrations on their kids. But if you can get her to open up to you. You will undoubtedly get her to listen to you about what the kids need. You know that old saying, "If mom isn't happy, nobody's happy..." There's alot of truth in that

Carrie:)
 
Bam, it sounds like you are dealing with an impossible situation. I'm so sorry (I have two nieces and a nephew and love them dearly). Just remember that you are helping those girls even more than you know. Take care of yourself so you can always be there for them.

I'm sending you lots of GOOD HEALTH vibes!
 
Unfortunately my sister and BIL are not going to get divorced....at least not yet. I truly have tried every way possible of communicating with her, listening to her, etc. Some people just can't get themselves to want to make changes in their lives. I have given up trying to help the parents. My health has suffered in attempting to do so over many years. I need to know how I can manage my emotions where the kids are concerned. It brings me down terribly.

Thank you again for all the positive thoughts and healthy vibes.

Bam
 
Bam, I grew up in a house like that with parents who couldn't stand each other and didn't know how to be parents. But, I was very, very fortunate to have a loving, kind, generous aunt who did everything she could to make me feel special and loved. She was the only adult I could count on in my life and I felt so lucky to have her. I always said that she was my fairy godmother. She made a huge difference in my life and I'm sure that you are making a big difference in your nieces' lives. :) They are very fortunate to have a special aunt.

Erica
 
Bam,
I am so moved by your post and sorry for everyone involved. Mostly I'm sorry you have to go through this, it seems as though you are trying to hold together more than any one person possibly can.
I don't know you, but I have a few things from my own experience which may help.
First - I had a terrible time as a kid, but I had a terrific Uncle. He was almost never around, and didn't even interact with me too much when he was - but he was funny and kind and upbeat, just a terrific "light" presence to be around. His example gave me something to emulate besides the poor example I was getting at home. It sounds like you have been very involved with your nieces and that you have had even more of an impact on them - believe that that will be enough for them.
Know that this is NOT all on you. Have faith in the girls, expect that they will live up to the things you have taught to them and the example you have shown. We as individuals can only have so much impact in the lives of others - free yourself from the idea that you have to be perfect and solve all problems - you are doing everything you can, and that is enough. Let that feel good, not bad; I'm sure your health depends on that. The most important example you can be to those girls is a positive person who takes care of HERSELF as well as others, let them see in you that the choice in life is not only between being totally selfish or dissappearing into selflessness. One can strike a balance between taking care of others and themself - strive to be an example of that balance. I am striving myself - I do better on some days than others.
As far as your sister and BIL are concerned - know that it is not your job to solve their problem either (either for them or for the kids) that can only be done by them. Hold in your heart the expectation that they will pull out of the nosedive they are in and will begin to live up to their committment to themselves, each other and their children. People do sometimes have a way of living up to our expectations of them.
I have a brother and SIL who are experiencing similar problems. The best I can do is hope for them and their child. I try to be a positive example for my nephew, and to positively encorage my bro and sil. They seem to be pretty steeped in their situation - why I can't tell. I keep hoping for them, perhaps they will work it out. I give them honest feedback about what I belive their situation to be, it is usually not heard, but I try anyway. I try not to be judgemental - but this does become harder when I see how what they do affects my nephew.
With this situation I can be positive, I can be honest, and I can hope; but I cannot fix. I can love, but I cannot fix. Reconciling myself to that has made a big difference in my health. It has also given me the time and space to see how powerful I can be when I work to fix the problems in my own life - I can exert a tremendous amount of influence over those. I think that example is very helpful to my nephew as well.
I wish you and your family the absolute best. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
--Laura
 
I had to respond to this as I have a sister in the same exact situation. Word for word my situation is the same as yours, . .and my heart goes out to you for caring and wanting to do something about it. However, let me tell you what I have discovered with regards to my position. The couple needs marriage counciling if they want to stay together. You need to accept that you can do only what you can do, . .when your sister's family starts to cause physical and emotional strain on your life, . . it becomes unhealthy for you and your family. Unfortunately talking to your sister, . .which I'm sure you've tried as I have may make things worse. If she is as violent and unurturing as my sister she may take offense that her parenting skills are not up to your standards. The best that you can do is be as kind and loving as you have been to those kids because ultimately they are what matter. I have always struggled with how my sister and brother in law could live with themselves treating their children in such a manner. It is pure selfishness on their parts. Anyone who is a mother could attest to the fact that being a mom and a parent is the most selfless job you can have. You have kids and you give up a lot of things for their happiness. If they are unwilling for their children to provide a loving home they are giving in to their laziness and greed. The worse part of all this after all is how the kids have to suffer so they should be where you put all your energy because unfortunately if they do not find kindness anywhere else they may repeat the horrible cycle that is before them. You are doing wonderfully and they are extremely lucky to have you.
 
Thank you all so much for your wonderful words. I will be able to respond in more detail this evening but please know that my heart is filled with your kindness. It is helping me tremendously.

With great appreciation,
Bam
 
(((HUGS))) to you, Bam. What a stressful and heartwrenching situation you are in. I'm afraid I don't have any fresh insights to add, but I'd like to echo what others have said in that you are doing all that you can to be a positive force in the kids' lives and that is something substantial. As Laura said, you can't fix every problem, but you can still make a difference, and it sounds like that's just what you're doing. I would say keep reaching out and doing what you're doing, and find an outlet for YOU - whether it's a friend, counselor, or a kick-butt workout.

[font face="heather" font color=brick red size=+2]~Cathy [/font face] http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/wavesmile.gif
"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and the persons we were destined to be." -George Sheehan
 
I definitely am finding comfort in all of your words and I'm thinking of what you have said when I think of the situation.

Erica, do you have other siblings and if so, how did they manage? I'm so glad that you had an aunt that helped you through all of this. I offer many suggestions to my nieces on how to handle different situations at home. They rarely take me up on it perhaps because they believe nothing will work. Did you ever try to reason with your parents?

Laura, I am sorry that you also experienced a difficult childhood but am happy that your uncle shed a positive light on your life. It's so hard when kids are the recipients to adults negative, hurtful behavior. They need a voice to speak for them. Adults have choices to make and if their choices only affected themselves, then have a great time but when young ones are being influenced, it's a very sad situation.

Elizabeth, I'm sorry that you are in the same situation. Are you able to see or speak with your nieces/nephews much? What's interesting is that my sister has never told me to mind my own business. I say whatever I need to but we don't end up in fight. I get upset at her but she doesn't yell back at me. She throws a couple of things out at me but I have to say, I'm able to pretty much say what's on my mind without recourse.

Susan, Nancy, Wendy, Carrie and Cathy, thank you all for the hugs and encouragement. I do have a quick question. Is a 7:30pm bedtime too early for an 11 year old? I was on the phone a little while ago with my niece who just dreads going to bed this early. There's not a "reason" per se that this is done and I have to hear my niece sounding so pathetic when talking about this. Maybe that is a reasonable time for an 11 year old but the 7 year old will go to bed at the same time. I've asked my sister why the bedtime for a 7 and 11 year old are the same time and she says, "I don't know, it's just the way it works out." I probably need to let this one go especially if all of you tell me that it's not a big deal.

Many, many thanks again!

Bam
 
Bam, I'm an only child. I didn't try to reason with my parents because it wouldn't have done any good. Maybe I did when I was much younger and learned that it didn't accomplish anything and gave up - I really don't remember. My aunt spoke to my mom in my behalf a lot. She used to take me for the weekend sometimes and I looked forward to it so much - her home was like a safe haven for me. Once I was old enough to drive, I would stay with her when things were too tough for me at home. She always made me feel welcome. My mother and I have been estranged now for over six years. My mother backstabbed me so much to my aunt and they eventually became estranged also.

Once again, I think that your nieces are very lucky to have you in their lives. Your love and concern for them is going to make a difference that will last a lifetime.

By the way, I agree that 7:30pm is too early for an 11 year old. I wonder what time she gets up in the morning if she is going to bed so early.

Erica
 
Erica, I am sending hugs to you. I'm really sorry for what you went through and how things worked out with your mother and aunt. Despite all this, it sounds like you have risen above all the turmoil. You're certainly able to give great advice! I know that I wouldn't have anything to do with my sister if my nieces weren't in the picture. I have to hold myself back so many times and I've put up with a lot of her cra* for many years but I have to right now. My mother reminded me that my 11 year old niece goes to bed between 8:30 and 9 on nights she has soccer so my sister has to make sure she's in bed early on the other nights so she doesn't get sick. (yeah, o.k.) She gets up at 6:30am for school.

Thanks again for all your support and I hope you're o.k.

Bam
 
Hi again. Thanks in advance for listening. I need to vent. I've seen my nieces more than usual the past couple of weeks so I'm glad about that. I spoke with my 11 year old niece before and the sadness in her voice over being yelled at and not listened to is so hard to take. They also are made to feel responsible if they don't feel well and aren't given the "normal" tlc you would hope from a parent. I was at their house on Sunday and my 16 year old niece can't even stand being in the same room as the parents. I do know that it is typical of teenagers to feel this way but a lot of the feelings she has is induced by how the parents act and talk. After talking with my niece earlier, I started swearing at my sister (in my mind, not in actuality) and was just calling her every name in the book. I know this doesn't help the situation but at least I vented but I don't know how to stop it. I just keep re-playing all the stuff she does and says to those kids. Then I start to feel helpless again where they're concerned. I am so down after speaking with my niece and hearing her saddened, pathetic little voice. ARGH, some days are just harder than others. I've re-read all of your advice and it helps. Thanks again for listening.

Bam
 
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