I need some encouraging words, PLEASE....

D

[email protected]

Cathlete
Many of you have teenegaers, and know they are very trying. I have been thru a summer of hell with my 14 yr. old daughter. She was involved in a roll-over Thurs. night. There was no alcohol, I have not caught her doing anything like that, just TOTAL defiency. So, of course, she is grounded. She has a frind I do not care for, she gets way too much, and too much freedom. She is also a habitual liar. I have tried to persuade my daughter on her own to choose another friend. Of course, she hasn't, the world rises and falls on this girl, even though she does some crappy things to my daughter. Her mother is constantly calling down here,(they live 3 houses down), and quizzing my daughter on things they do because she can not believe her own daughter. Last night, her mother, informed me that my daughter was down there on Sat. night with her daugfhter in her bedroom at 12 when she went to bed. I said "No, she wasn't, she was home." Well, my darling daughter snuck out when we went to bed, and went tp'ing till who knows when with her daughter. I am glad her mother called, but I can not stand the meddling, and constant calls anymore. I hung up on her, and would not take her call when she called back again last night. I have forbid my daughter to hang out with her friend anymore. I also called the school Guidance Office this morning to get her into counseling, hoping that will help. The other problem is that after 2 years of quitting, I have begun to smoke again. That's a great problem solver, isn't it??? It just seems to help, even though I know it doesn't. I have vowed to quit tomorrow, and get back on a rotation. I feel so defeated and depressed, and I already take Prozac, but I also keep getting my period every 2 weeks. I just need people to tell me how this smoking is not helping me, and only hurting me. I know it was stupid to start again, but please tell me your thoughts. THANKS.
Lori S.
 
Lori

Hi I don't have any children so I won't give you any advice about you daugther. I hope that other members of the forum will help. Unfortunetly as a teenager the most dangerous thing I did was go to nightclubs but I didn't like the guys who were to me obessed with sex so I stopped (I was 15 and it was the early 80's).

I am sorry to hear that you are smoking, why not just make tomorrow and no smoking rotation day no matter what happens. Then add on the next day as part of your no smoking rotation.

I did hear about someone getting pictures of a diseased cancerous lung it helped them stay motivated to quit smoking. At the moment here in the UK there is a advert of a young girl about your daughters age being interviewed about her fathers smoking (he had to have one of his lungs removed due to cancer through smoking) they had to stop the interview when she began to cry (even thinking about it makes me start tearing up).

There a good reminder when you are feeling depressed and defeated of the big picture.

All my thoughts are with you.

Babs
 
Hi Lori,
I am sorry about you facing such a challenge in your life.
I won't lecture much but please know:

1) By quiting your smoking habit, you prevent many miserable, crippling diseases. smoking doesn't help any body except the pocket of the people making them. Smoking only destroys.

2) Love yourself tremendously. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Take care of that temple (your body and soul).

3) Children observe. Set a good example for your child. Live how you wish them to live. They are more prone to do as you do, not to do as you say.

4) No matter how much any body tells you, at the end it's YOU who decides. You are the ONLY person who can do it!
Peace,
:)
 
Does anyone know where the verse in the BIBLE is about your body and soul being a temple?? I have looked, and I can not find it. I also looked on Dr. Charles Stanley's website, and could not find it either. The Bible gives me much comfort, and I would really like that verse. Thanks.
Lori S.
 
Lori,

Have you considered family counseling? It would be helpful to work through the problems together. The counselor can help you know how best to handle the issues with your daughter, and would also show your daughter that you're willing to invest time and effort into working things out.

Your minister or the school's counselor could recommend someone. If cost is an issue, many therapists charge according to your ability to pay.

Angela
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Sep-30-02 AT 12:02PM (Est)[/font][p]Lori,
I think the verse in the bible is:
Ephesians 2:11-22 also there it is another one:

"For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's" (1 Corinthians 6:20).

Now, I am not affiliated with any religion, but I studied many of them. I hope this is the verse. If not, let me know and I will find it for you.
Take care :)
 
Hi Lori~I think there are different references to this saying, but one is in 1 Corinthians 6:19. Thinking of you and your daughter. The teen years are tough. Keep up your workouts too as a defense against stress. Good Luck!

Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH http://www.plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
I have a 17 yr old daughter, so I have been there. They almost all go through some period of being rude, clueless, thoughtless, manipulative morons. It is hell, but you have to hang tight.

Keep setting a good example, setting limits (although they will always get around them by lying and making lame excuses), and waiting for reality to kick in. What I mean by that is that eventually something bad will happen due to their behavior which they have to acknowledge was their fault. It has to sting, but you hope it doesn't do any permanent damage. My daughter got caught shoplifting, didn't make a sports team, had to go to the ER for alcohol. But there came a point where she "snapped out of it" and grew up a big step. Now she is pretty responsible, adultlike, organized. All is well, she is a likable human being again, only occasionally aggravating, like anyone.

I went through hell for about 18 months, for most people it is longer. I feel for you. I am so glad it's over for me, it was the worst year of parenthood. It's hell, but what else could living with a know-it-all who doesn't really know much be?
 
I have really thought so much about the smoking, and I got a box of patches today, and I am ready. I was smoke-free for 2 years, and I liked myself so much better that way.

I called the school, and they said the first step is going to counseling thru them. She came home from school today, and was in the office when I called, and figured out what I was calling for. She was a little mad, but she has already adjusted. I sell Premier Designs Jewelry, and have a show tonight, a large one, and asked her to go with me and help. She is looking forward to it, so that is positive.

I was going to a church I so loved, but they kinda hurt my feelings, so I have been kinda going other places to find another one. My daughter was going to a church with the neighbors, which she loves, and last Sunday she asked me to go their with her, which I did.

I feel better now, and am ready to pick up my head, and move forward. Thanks for listening to me.
Lori S.
 
I was exactly like your daughter x10. I was BAD. Try to do more w/ her. Asking for her opinion. Going to church is definitely a big plus. Take her in the sanctuary w/ you instead of putting her in a class. If you need to vent come to the forum, not your smokes.LOL...... Hope I helped.
 
I so hope you can work things out with your daughter. Dont give up. She's going through some tough stuff at this age.

I am SOOO Fortunate I have a 16 year old who is an absolutely wonderful kid. I'm a single mom (have been for 13 years) so maybe that is why we are so close not sure. My son is too - I really think sometimes single Mom families are closer as a result of the no second adult.

Remember we all have bad days - actually she and I were both PMS a couple of weeks ago - YUCK... but if you put your love for her first it at least gets things in perspective.

Be sure to let her know how much you love her and assure her even though you dont approve of her behavior you are there for her.

Try to do something together.... Funny I use to hate to shop but now my daughter and I go about once a month... it's a lot of fun (although i do admit I dress way too young now).... but do something JUST the 2 of you... Make it a prioritiy DONT let anything get in the way ... even if you have a bad day!

Good luck - I'm sure your daughter has some very good qualities that you can encourage her on
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Oct-01-02 AT 01:32AM (Est)[/font][p][font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Oct-01-02 AT 01:29 AM (Est)[/font]

Lori, I can completely empathize with you. I have two daughters, they're only 11 & 12 but already they are displaying signs of independence (which is a good thing), but they're being argumentative and hanging out with some people I would prefer them not to.

My oldest has a very close friend who lives a couple of streets down and spends every waking moment with this girl. This girl even calls her every morning at 6:30 before they go to school to talk. She really manipulates her, and I've seen this. I've allowed too many people in my life when I was younger to manipulate me, so I can see a pattern here. The only difference is that my daughter sticks up for herself and has nipped this in the bud recently by telling her 'friend' that she no longer wants to be joined at the hip, much to the dismay of her friend who now says she no longer cares for my daughter so much.

It seems as soon as they enter Jr. High that they enter a new world. Makeup, boys, cliques, little parties, etc. I'm really keeping the lines of communication open between my daughters and me to make sure they can come to me with anything, because it seems as soon as I try to prohibit any friendship, that they want it all the more. I really feel strongly about drawing boundaries about when they need to be home, where they can and cannot go, etc., but I'm trying to let them know that their friends who use them on occasion are not really their friends by kind of standing back. It's hard, because I've always been a person that doesn't bend on lots of issues, but being a parent makes you have to bend. ;) I'm trying to come to terms with implementing a plan to know when to intervene and when not to. I feel like I don't do such a good job of this sometimes, but it's just such a trial and error thing with kids this age (and mine aren't even 14 yet!).

I know what you mean about the constant calling of parents. My daughter who is 11 has a friend who's mother does this ALL of the time. And she's actually very rude to me. She accused my daughter of creating a huge mess in her house when my daughter wasn't even there, she was at her grandparents. She called her own daughter a 'very bad girl', which I was incredibly angry at and proceeded to tell her that kids can do bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people. Like you, I even hung up on her once. I know my kids will do things they aren't supposed to do, and I am totally open and like to talk to the parents of my daughters friends to ensure I know who they're hanging out with and what they're doing -- but I don't think it's fair for them to accuse under false pretenses.

I just wanted to let you know that I understand, your story sounds familiar and I wish I could help you more. I can only commiserate, unfortunately. Tonight my oldest daughter told me she became irritated when I was too sweet, she said that when I say, "I just want all of us to get along" -- LOL, you can't win for losing sometimes.

As long as we keep the lines of communication open, allow them some freedom but set specific boundaries and stick to them (as well as a list of many other things), I think we'll all come out of this okay. It's a fun rollercoaster ride, isn't it? :)
 
Hi Lori:Just read about your teenage trials and tribulations.I have a daughter thats 26,a son 27 and another son 15.I think my daughters teenage years were worse to deal with than my sons.I was sort a rebel myself growing up.Family counseling is a good idea and try to spend some quality time with just the two of you.Even if its just once a week lunch or shopping date.I quit smoking after 25 years.The patch worked great for me also try some deep breathing exercises.I'm a nurse and I've seen alot of older adults with lung diseases and its so discouraging that there is nothing that you can do to help.Constant wheezing and shortness of breath just from walking to the bathroom.I'm glad I'm no longer there.Good Luck.
 
Hi Lori,
I can't give advice since I only have a 6 year old but just wanted to say that I hope things get better. You sound like a very loving mother with a good head on your shoulders so you will definitely make it through this trying time.

I didn't get into much trouble as a teenager but I was certainly grouchy and hateful to my mother. (I don't know why the mother's get picked on, maybe it's a mother/daughter thing). Anyway, I got over my bad attitude after a short while and I respect my mother now more than any human on earth and have for a long time now. I think eventually these difficult times between mothers and daughters bring them closer together in the long run. I'll shut up now.

Good luck to you.
Lisa
 
Hi, Lori, I want to add my words of encouragement too. You hang in there! Try to hold your ground and set those boundaries. Tell her you need to know where she is for HER protection and fight when you must! A friend of my daughter's just told her partents she was going one place and she left and went another and a boy pulled a gun out and cops were called and her parents found out and it was a big mess. Thank God no one was harmed. I shudder at how it might have ended differently! The awful thing is knowing they might be in danger. Pray a lot and love her unconditionally! Take loving care of yourself! You deserve love and respect more than anyone--all mothers of teenagers do! Good luck on quitting smoking again!
Bobbi http://www.plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chick's Rule!
 
Lori:

this is a compelling post. I keep coming back to see what advice others have posted and if you have any updates for us.

I have two daughters, only 9 and 6 right now, but they are as stubborn and independent as their mother, and so I anticipate much of what you are going through.

I can tell you that I was a horrible teenager and put my Dad through hell, well he says I still do, but I'm old enough now for that to be his problem! When I was 15/16 I was an excellent student, but I could never accept the gender divide in my house. Why, for instance, did my brother, two years older, get so much freedom when my attempts to take a little of the same were frowned upon? I took it anyway. On Friday and Saturday nights, I was regularly either out til 3 or 4 am, or I never came home at all. My dad used to call my boyfriend's house the next morning to see if at least I was on the planet, which I was, but I never saw much difference between sleeping at one house or another!

I am sure my poor father had visions of teenage pregnancies, school drop out, drugs, the whole caboodle. My mother however, kept her cool and never said a word to me, even when my dad was chewing me out. I think she has some kind of inner wisdom. I think it goes something like this: "she's basically a good kid: she's an excellent student: she's apparently not on drugs: she's wilfull and a free-spirit and maybe these are not bad characteristics to have for a young woman today: as long as she's not actually sleeping on the streets and is just trying to see what she can do, who she is supposed to be, where her path lies, I am going to let her explore this one, but I am keeping an eye on her."

I have never discussed this with my mother, but knowing her as I do, I imagine she must have thought something like this. It is the philosophy I will try to keep in mind when my maternal anxieties are likewise tested in a few years time.

My mother has never interfered or told me not to do something. She has however, supported my decisions and reasoning process as I try to think for myself what is right and wrong, the best path, etc. Can you think of ways to help steer your daughter down the correct path, while keeping an eye on her and let her think that she has chosen the correct path for herself? Sort of hover in the background rather than being didactic and explicit?

Does this make sense to you?

Lori, what I would say to you though, is that having a period every two weeks does not sound normal, and places a great strain upon your body, iron levels, energy levels and peace of mind. So I would defintiely go to the docs and get this checked out. OK?

Cyberhug to get you through this one...

Clare
 
Thank you guys all so much for the kind words. I did make it thru yesterday with no cigs., and I did BodyMax, and thought I was going to die!!!! I am going to the dr. today. I am going to find out about my periods. The school told me on Monday morning that they would start counseling with my daughter that day, and they have not done it yet. If she does not have it today, I am going to call tomorrow a.m. After my show on Monday, we went for a ride and she was talking about her friend, and in a 5 min. story, she told me 4 different times that she had lied. I am like, "Alyssa, can't you see she is a habitual liar," and she knows it, but she still wants to be her friend!!! I told her I don't want her around her, but I can't stop it totally, and she has to make that choice on her own. She is not going to listen to me. Maybe the counselor can also help her see it. I told her she could probably go to the football game this Friday, but there were going to be time limits. I also told her that whenever she told me she was going to ride in a car, I have always let her, and if she would of just told me last Thurs., or been dropped off first, none of this never would of happened. I told her I have always been very fair to you, you just have to be honest with me, and she actually agreed!!!! Thanks again for all your support, it means alot to me.
Lori S.
 
Lori,
I think you are on the right track. The more time you spend with you daughter the better. As a mother of two teens, a tween, and a 9 year old, I empathise with you.

Kids need limits. If you didn't set limits and stick to them they would be dissapointed. (Even if they don't think so at the time)

Also, they notice how you act. If you exercise, and deal with stress in a nonabusive & positive way they will have a great example to follow.

If you have faith in God, they have that example to follow too!

I had a poem, maybe you did too, when my babies were tiny. It went on about... If a child lives with___________ then _______.

I wish I still had it. It is particulalry helpful when the kids reach the age of making many choices on their own. Any body know the poem I am taliking about????



Take time to enjoy those who matter most to you & do all things in moderation :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top