how to divide an inheritance

[janie1234]

This sucks. My dear MIL passed away on 8/30/09, terminal lung cancer. I was so hoping that her house would not sell for a least a year because I've been having such a hard time coping with her loss. I have a lot of happy memories in that house. My poor FIL is so distraught not only did he lose his wife of 58 years he was practically forced to move from his home, church, community, and volunteer job that he has had for over 16 years. He's 86 years old. He seems so defeated and does not care about who gets what or what happens with the house. Well the house sold, . .cash and now not even 2 months since her passing my SIL's are ready to move all her things out and divide everything up. I'm hurting like hell. I feel so protective over her home, our memories, her things. I want them to stay right where they are. I know this is not practical but now I'm worried about how this is all going to be divided without turning ugly. I hate this.

 

[ImFiddY]

I'm sorry for your loss and pain. I hate to say it but you don't have a dog in this fight. This is between your husband and his sisters. Let them handle it and step back.

 

[fit44]

I feel for you. I really do.
I don't have any advice for you because we didn't have any disagreements over my mother's things. She didn't have a lot.

My mother's condo took 6 months to sell. I couldn't touch anything in her home until I was forced to. When the condo sold, it tore me to shreds inside taking her home apart. Luckily, my brothers and sisters felt the same way I did. We had time to discuss everything in detail and express our wishes. We divided the money equally(I absolutely hated taking money from my mother) and we all took things that meant something to each of us. I could do only so much before my brother had to take over. It was the hardest time in my life. There were a few items no one wanted that I ended up taking just because they meant something to my mother. She had two old chairs that no one wanted so I moved them into my house. As it turned out, I could sit in them and smell my mother for a few years. I sat in the chairs a lot.

 

[janie1234]

I couldn't touch anything in her home until I was forced to. When the condo sold, it tore me to shreds inside taking her home apart.

As it turned out, I could sit in them and smell my mother for a few years. I sat in the chairs a lot.

This is exactly how I feel. We had to help my FIL cancel his comcast/cable account and had to return the rented cable box, . . . I couldn't go into the house. I had to have my husband drop me off around the corner while he went inside to get the cable box. I know packing her things is going to really hurt me. My husband, his brothers, and their wives don't really care for her things, . . . . they would just as well sell it all and divide the profits. They are not very sentimental and like I said my FIL just seems defeated and depressed.

I know what you mean about the chair, . . .when she died I just sat on her chair smelling her make up bag and pillow, . . .crying for hours.

Honestly the thought of her things in the front yard with a $.25 sticker on it will just rip me to shreds. It would be so much easier if she just specified what she wanted to do with her things but the cancer took her so fast.

Thanks for listening.

 

[dreamyjeanie]

So sorry you are going through this.

I know when my dad died, everything went to my mom, not the kids. If your FIL is wanting to get rid of things, and wants the children's help, then everyone needs to get together and talk about what is best for your FIL. Sentimental things can be divided up if he is OK with that. I know some families buy the items they want from the estate and put the money into the estate pool. I would assume that since your FIL is still alive, the money would stay with your FIL for his living expenses. If he is of sound mind, he can plan out what becomes of the estate (make a will/estate planning) before his passing.

None of it is easy to deal with. Just try to keep her happy memories with you and handle it in a way that she would approve.

 

[lioness]

Janie,

I'm sorry you are hurting so. I would get an attorney to help you sort all this out and to be there on behalf of your FIL. It is apparent that he is not able to take control of the situation while he is grieving. That way it will be fair to everyone.

When my aunt passed away 2 years ago, she had appointed my sister (she had no husband or children) as executor of her estate. My mom was her only sibling. She passed away on July 13 and we had her house cleared out and sold by September 21. It went really fast but I was grateful. She was a pack rat and my 2 sisters, my mom and I spent every weekend there getting it cleared out. We donated her clothes and her teddy bear collection to a home for battered women. I kept some of her "special bears" and my sisters and I each took one small bear for our desks at work. The shelter was so happy to get the clothes and bears (for the children). My cousins, sisters, mother and I took what we wanted for keepsakes and then we sold everything else. The money from selling her home, furniture and other items went to the estate and it was split up between each niece and nephew. Many of her friends came by and bought something of hers to have as a memory. I was touched to know that not all of her things went to strangers and that we donated some of her things to help others. It was very orderly and respectful.

I did the final walk through of her house before the inspection and I cried the whole time. I'm glad that I was alone because it gave me closure and a way to say goodbye.

{{{Hugs}}} to you and your family.

 

[kathryn]

I don't understand why your FIL had to move out of his house?
IMO, all proceeds should go to him in lieu of a will, then when he is gone, what's left is divided equally amonst the children.

But I do agree that this is a problem for your DH, not you.

 

[janie1234]

I don't understand why your FIL had to move out of his house?
IMO, all proceeds should go to him in lieu of a will, then when he is gone, what's left is divided equally amonst the children.

But I do agree that this is a problem for your DH, not you.

Well, my FIL is 86 can't hear very well. He really should not be driving, . . but I can clearly see he is so unhappy where he is now. My MIL made my BIL power of attorney of her estate. We just got back from spreading her ashes at sea in Monterey and I asked my FIL how he felt about selling the house and he just shrugged his shoulders, . . . he told me that he's having a hard time adjusting and this has been really hard. Thing is it was my MIL dying wish that my FIL NOT stay in the house alone because he can not function on his own. I totally agree with everyone that the estate and everything should all go to my FIL since he is still alive but he just doesn't care about any of it. I almost don't really think it is fair because he is so emotional right now making these decisions with a clear head is almost impossible. If it were up to me I would have preferred he stayed where he was and we arranged to have a daily care giver come and help take care of him and drive him places. I visited every week but they are over an hour drive away. I just got an e-mail from my SIL who is ready to claim everything of value in the house for her family and wants to go through everything ASAP. Mom hasn't even been dead for 2 months and she's already ready to claim things. I don't care about having anything but her wedding dress,a ball of twine she's used for trussing our yearly Christmas turkey, and her knitting needles since they have significant importance to me (she taught me how to knit), . and I've already asked my FIL permission for these but reading my SIL's e-mail just made my blood boil. I know this is NOT my battle. These things are for her sons and my FIL but my SIL is the worst of the worst. It is so hurtful because she keeps rubbing in my face that she's known Mom for 30 years and I've only known her for 9. Sorry this is so long but I do really appreciate all the advice and support. Thanks everyone.