How do you know?

[candi]

AMEN, Aquajock.

Would like to share something with everyone. I spent 21 years with a man who was not good for me for many reasons, but the MOST damaging reason was because I did not want to be alone. I can't tell you the endless nights I used to lie awake at night fearing what he would be like when he got home. I would go to a place in my head and think of what, if I ever had another chance at a better relationship, what kind of person I would look for.

A few months after my divorce I met a man that fit the bill so much that it scared me. After our first date (I actually asked him out) I did not want to continue seeing him because I was afraid. He persisted and persisted and we finally started seeing each other on a regular basis. We fit each other to a T. I can't imagine being with anyone else, ever. He restored my faith that there are good men in the world.

Fear can be both a friend and an enemy. I don't think you ever really know. It's a risk you have to decide to take and then work together to make it work but don't forget to enjoy each other as much as you can, no matter how much life gets in the way. IMHO.

 

[Maximus]

God I love this board, & this group. I haven't been posting here long, but I think it's great we can discuss things like this, and get so many different points of view that somehow all seem to come together.

So even though I didn't start this thread, I want to thank everyone for sharing their personal experiences (not just w/this topic, but w/all of them) & opening yourselves up to support others. You're all the best.

 

[shamnas]

I definitely have to second that. The information found here has been wonderful. I am printing this out for myself.
I can't thank you enough for all the responses.
You gals are the best.

 

[Mrsscififanec]

Hi,just wanted to add my two cents, IMO it is very true that when you know you just know BUT you have to be smart, you heart and your mind have to agree ,for example; yep he may be awesome but when push comes to shove will he stand firm with you and fight for your relationship instead of just fighting for himself ,will he be there to hold your hand through the hard times,does he make you want to be a better person or does he bring out the worst in you,it's tough to do but you have to be brutaly honest when asking these things .
My heart knew i loved my husband after talking to him for 5 minutes it took my brain a while to catch up,you see right after we met and before our 1st date i got mono so we didnt each other again for 7 weeks ,i kept having dreams of him ,like he's the one and all that but i just honestly at the time chalked it up to the high fever i had been running ,LOL (i was pretty pissed at men during that time and being sick did'nt help the romantic feelings either ,lol ! )but when he was driving me home after our 1st date i remember thinking ok so this is it,he's the man i'm going to marry,i am home,because in my mind not just my heart i knew no matter what that he got me and that he would always have my back through good times and bad and 14 years later i still Thank God for blessing me with such a kind man, i wish you all the same,Mrsscififanec

 

[Connie1]

My answer is, you don't.

But here's a little story of the beginning with my DH: I got cold feet early on and phoned him. I said, "Give me one reason I should keep going out with you."

He answered, "No."

Boy that took the wind out of my self-responsible, self-righteous sails! So it was up to me to decide! It took courage (he really wanted to keep me!) to answer this way! I learned something about his self-control that I didn't already know, through this conversation.

-Connie

 

[susanz]

He just made me feel so comfortable when I was first with him. He accepted me completely and all those insecurities I had disappeared. He made me laugh (and still does) so much. He also has always been so affectionate and honest with me. For 15 years he's been everything to me and always will be..... Susan

 

[clareMc]

Is it a question of knowing or feeling?

When my now-husband, then best-friend, pursued me for several years, I thought about it too much. I hummed and haaed and was basically thinking way too much. Then one afternoon, when we were hiking around Zimbabwe (!!!), he just ambushed me with a huge smacker and took the ability to think about whether I wanted to be kissed or not away from me. It was a huge relief!

After this holiday, when we were together 24/7, I moved straight in with him in a flat in London, and we never discussed it. There was no questioning at all, I never second-guessed this move, just did it. He never talked about it either, it was just the only thing to do because it felt so right. We have been together ever since, since 1988. It still just feels right because he's still my best friend and the person who best knows me, with whom I can be truly myself.

If it feels natural and completely right, then he's the man for you. Is he the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last person you want to see at night? I am incapable of falling asleep at night unless my arm is draped across my husband's body. Being with him is a part of me. He's the one.

Clare

 

[skoobie]

I was not one of those people who ever thought I'd "just know".... But I did. We dated off and on for several years (as many young men are, he was commitment-phobic), and no one had ever gotten to me like he did. The very first time he broke things off, my best friend was there by my side through the incessant sobbing. She said, "Helen... I have to admit I am shocked. This is *so* not like you." I replied, "Yeah, I know... But I was going to marry him." A few years later, I did. There are so many things about us as a couple that are right, but one of the most important is that we keep each other in check. I think that any lopsided relationship is a bad one; nobody should be a doormat.

 

[WD]

I met my husband 31 years ago. At first I thought wow he is so cute. Then I found we could almost speak for each other. He knows what I like and I him. He is so kind and considerate. He will know that I am tired and make sure not to disturb me. He will turn back the covers on the bed and set out his towels at night so if he has to get up before me he can be as quiet as he can. He is always telling me how much he loves me. He will just look at me and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. How can you help but love someone like that. We hold hands when we are out at the mall or walking in the woods. Even from the very start we were in agreement on so many things. I think I am so lucky to have found someone that I am so close to for my life mate.
Diane Sue

 

[Mikie]

I have been married for 4 short little months but we've been together for over 4 years.

I knew Matthew was the one because there were no games. If he said he would call, he called. If he made plans, he kept them. I guess I dated a lot of bone heads in college so this was a refreshing change! He gave me confidence in him.

There was also the instant sense of comfort. I wasn't ever worried about how I looked or what I was wearing. He gave me such unconditional love and I felt very secure in his feelings. There was never any doubt in my mind that he loved me and always would.

It was like this from day one...

I am so happy to still have all those wonderful feelings - I am his princess!