How are you?

dmd

dmd

Cathlete
I know, I know, this is a loaded quesiton but I thought I'd ask it anyway.

Someone asked me this quesion the other day and I almost choked on the answer...I didn't know her very well so I was topical in my answer.

I will answer first here in the most sincere and honest way I know how. Here goes:

I have been better and I have been worst. I am having horrible insomnia due in part to my inability to cope with the passing of my father. I have weird dreams about him.

I am, I believe going through the first stages of menopause ( peri-menopause) and I have the sweats at night.

I have gained 20 pounds in the past 5 months because I can't get my eating under control and I am paralyzed with the depression that comes with my greif and my obvious lack of movement.

I know that movement will cure much of my depression, but I am not for reasons that espcape me.. If I get honest, I am trying to hurt myself because I have such guilt over my father's death. Ugh.

On the up side: I love the music I make every weekend.

I have one of the most kind and patient husbands on the planet.

My kids love and respect me..Thank God. I love and respect them.

Finally, I gathered the courage to post this and take the risk of what EVER you all may think! I have so much faith in you all here that it wasn't as hard as I thought.

There. I hope I didn't bum anyone out. Your problems may be greater or less than...but, hey we're in it together and I learn so much from all of you about how to cope and carry on.:)
 
Uh....you don't even want to open that can of worms, do ya???






You have had a lot to deal with lately dmd (Hugs). I can't even imagine a death in my family. Maybe it would help for you to talk to a couselor or something? If the hurt is deep it is not likely to go away any time soon. I am learning that these days too.....
 
You didn't bum me out, but you did cause me to stop and think of all the amazing things in my life. I share many of the things you listed on both the upside and the downside, but I will say that I have my dad and for that I am greatful.

It wasn't always that way. He was an alcoholic drug user who was incredibly abusive to my mother and I. He left and was out of my life for many years but came back about ten years ago. With a lot of grace and mercy from above I can say that I forgive him and love him with all of my heart. That is a huge gift to me. There was a day when I wished him gone, but now cherish every bit of time we have together. He is an entirely different man now.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you would love more than anything to speak with him again, and your post makes me want to call my dad and tell him just how much I love him. So thank you for your honesty and for posting!

Happy Easter:)
 
Hi DMD,
I am by no means a trained specialist. Please consider seeking a professional counselor. I think it is great that you are counting your blessings. Continue to count them, and LAUGH a lot. Watch funny movies, read funny stories, smile and laugh. I hope you gain strength and desire to overcome the depression by focusing on the positive blessings in your life. I use daily journal(s) to write thoughts down. Not necessarily private things, I write whatever comes into my thoughts. It feels like I'm letting it go as I write. Somedays I only write a paragraph, and sometimes it turns into pages. I also force myself to walk instead of driving, if I have a choice, and the weather permits. God's blessings be with you.
 
dmd,

Hi! Do you know what the guilt is about your father's death? Maybe if you can get to the bottom of that it will help.

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope we can help you feel better and direct you to a solution of something.

The grieving process is long. Have you bought any books on it?

You mentioning dreams is weird to me because I have had a lot of dreams about my dad lately (not sure how much longer he will be here) and they are not good ones. They are sad and what else is weird is an X-boyfriend I had in high school is always in them. Strange.

I know there are a couple counselors that post here, so maybe they can help. I have a psychology degree and a graduate degree in Health Services so I am no expert.

I hope things start getting better for you!! We are here to listen.

Beverly
 
dmd, what a post! It blew me away.

I can relate about not getting over the loss of one's father. My father died almost 7 years ago. I count every year, every month that he has been "away". I am still not over it yet. When I went home last year, I opened his closet and sniffed the shirts he left behind. He has been gone so long, his clothes don't smell like him anymore. He was a great father to me and my brothers.

I pour my energies on my son these days; that leaves me with hardly any time to think about things I can't change.

It helps to count your blessings. I hope you find other people to talk to about the things that are weighing you down. The way I see it, there are no problems that are "greater" or "smaller". There are only people who can't roll with the punches. That you are putting your thoughts in perspective tells me you're not one of those.

Pinky
 
I was hoping I didn't get too heavy with y'all. I see from your profile Dani that you are a homeschooling mom. I homeschooled my daughter for the first k-4th grade. Some of the most fun days as a family we have had!!

Thank you for your kind words. It is so good to be able to count your blessing out loud isn't it. I need to remember to be more grateful. Sharing with all of you does this for me.:)
 
Hi Jadestop,

Good advice, thank you. I have been a journal keeper since high shcool and it is really funny to go back and read those darn things. I have actually bundled them up, put and put them in the attic for my kids to have later.

I was seeing a counselor when my dad was in the throes of his sickness and it helped some. I may indeed go back, we'll see. I have struggled with depression all my life and know it very well...and know my way out. I feel that sometimes I really need to simply FEEL this stuff, get it out and understand it. When it becomes so stifleing that I can't deal with life in general ( I have been there let me tell you) then, I run for help.

It's good to talk about it...thanks:)
 
Beverly,

Good question, yes I know the origin of the guilt. I must forgive myself. I know my father would feel so sad that I felt this way. I can intellecualize this fact, but the emotion is a stinker. I hate sleeping these days...I have these really lucid dreams that I call the "monster ball". Every ugly thing, person, emotion comes to the surface and I literally have to pray myself back to sleep. I feel on some level that I must go through this...feel it all, not fear it. It is scary though, Beverly, and I hate going to sleep. If it continues much longer I will have to see someone.

Beverly, I hope you can say everything to your dad that you need to say. Don't let it pass. It is a gift you'll give him and yourself. But...you know that. deb:)
 
Hey dmd,
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you. You are a gentle, kind spirit and I have always appreciated your unique and light-filled point of view.

Sending a little loving energy your way!
Melissa

If you find that you would like to sleep, I use some wonderful CDs from the Monroe Institute. I just LOVE to panic at night and also have very vivid dreams that are sometimes awful and I use the CDs to get some needed, restorative sleep. They really do the job.

I find that I use my dreams to work things out. Last year I also started using crystals before I slept and it really helped me to move forward in my sleep/working things out. Again, I will provide more info if you are interested. Some people aren't open to crystals and I can respect that. I'm not "into" them, but they have been very helpful for me!
 
Hey there Melissa,

I would love to know more about the Cd's. I do believe that dreams help us work stuff out. I used to welcome them, but lately they have been kind of disturbing.

I welcome your prayers and appreciate your encouraging words.

Sending some of that loving energy bach at ya! deb:)
 
Wow, pinky It helps to know that someone can struggle with grief so long. I don't know why, but I thought some how that there was a limited time for grief. I should know better...I've taken a phycology course in college in which we studied the stages of grief and I read Kuble-Ross' ( sp?) book on death and dying. Somehow when it becomes a personal experience all common sense and knowledge goes out the window for me. Guess I'm a lot more emotional than I'm willing to admit;-).

Thank you Pinky for your input. I appreciate it so much. deb:)
 
Deb....it was very courageous of you to post this. Thanks...:).. I lost my Dad a little over 7 years ago. We were very close and yes it does still hurt sometimes. Every football season I think of him as I always picked up the phone and said "Did you see that play?" whenever the Raiders screwed up...:)...I miss him alot but I focus on the happy memories he left me. Also his wonderful sense of humor that I inherited. I tell stories about him so very often. I didn't have a dream about him until about 6 months after his death. It's funny as I wanted to dream about him so I could see him again..this was a very bizarre dream though as in it my Dad was alive and my Mom had passed...my Mom is still alive thankfully..:) I never got counseling but I know it is very helpful to alot of friends I know. I am very sorry for your loss.

I think the weight gain is temporary and after your head gets a bit more cleared up you will be fine...I don't think I have ever been depressed much but exercise helped me a great deal with my Dad's death. I am also a huge music fan and so many songs take me to so many memories in my life.

It is awesome you have a caring DH and respectful kids at this time. You are very blessed...:)...

Thanks again for sharing...you can always do that here as I feel there are very many thoughtful people here...:)....Carole
 
Hi there~

It does help to open up and share about the loss of my father. Thank you Carole for your understanding and for sharing your memories of your father.

My father really devestated my family when he left my mother for his childhood sweetheart. My brothers and I were helping my mother through this loss when he became sick. When he died my mother, brothers and I went back to Texas where he lived with his new wife. There we learned that we had two half sisters ( both conceived during his marriage to my mom). We were realing with this and still are! Don't get me wrong, I adored my father. He was in many ways an amazing man. I am struggling with the question: "Who was this man?" The more we learn about him and his past, the more painful it becomes. Honestly, if he had simply become sick and passed I think I could greive...simply grieve.

I hope this explains my pain a bit more. It is so difficult to admit this to people because there is such shame in it. One day Carole I hope I can look back on my fathers memory and smile. For now, well I know I need to go through the levels of betrayel,dissapointment, shame, grief, and sadness...especially for my mother who loves him still.

Thank you for listening. It really helps to simply type all this out. Really:) Deb
 
Hi DMD - I just wanted you to know that you're aren't alone in the world. I have been thru some similar experiences, although ....long ago. I am 45 now and lost my father when I was 18. I was young and wild and the day he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I told him I hated him and I wished he'd die. I was a stupid teenager....but after he died, I lived with an unbelievable amount of guilt. Depression runs in my family, as does drug addiction/alcoholism and I went into a deep, dark spin of depression, drugs, etc. I didn't straighten myself out until I was 27-28 and it was then that I realized I didn't cause my father's death and I finally grieved for him at that age. I also had horrible nightmares after my father died. They eventually subsided.

Life can be hard at times and we never understand why the Lord takes our loved ones from us, but he has his reasons. I struggle with depression every day. Exercise helps and funny movies help, as well as doing things I love and taking care of myself and being easy on myself.

Hang in there!! The Holidays can be most difficult to get thru after a death in the family. As I said above, my father has been gone for many years, but there isn't a holiday that goes by that I don't miss him and think of him and tell him I love him. He was a good father and I have many good memories of him from my childhood. I would give anything to have an adult relationship with him. For those of you who still are lucky enough to have your mother and father living, love them and care for them now and have a great relationship with them cuz when they're gone, you'll be glad you did.
 
I am also glad you posted. This place is a good 'hospital' at times. I'll explain...my dh, who is a pastor, constantly tells the people of our church that everyone needs their own 'hospital' - a place where you can find help and healing. Sometimes it's just for an hour, sometimes a week, sometimes a year or more. And the neater thing is that sometimes you'll be the patient, sometimes the caregiver, sometimes the nurse, sometimes the dr. Everyone needs a group of people that care enough to allow you feel the pain in your life and stand by you through it. We all like to be the dr., giving advice and direction but sometimes we have to face that we are the patient and need some time of tender loving care. It's neat that in today's online world we can get that from people all over the world.

This forum has some excellent caregivers. I appreciated the content and underlying mood in your post. I hope you have a good day.

Trish
 
The place that makes them is called The Monroe Institute.
You can find info about them at monroeinstitute.org
It is pretty way out there, so I just look at the products, which are at
www.hemi-synch.com The website is very hard to navigate, so try not to get frustrated with it!
Dr. Monroe's theory is that you can train the hemispheres of your brain to sychronize and have more focus and energy. The CD's help you do that. I don't know if it is true or not, but when I use them to sleep I am out like a light and wake up very refreshed.
I like Deep 10 Sleep, Restorative Sleep, and Energy Walk.
There are a few that promote better dreaming but I have not tried those.
They also produce a few sports ones for coordination. They are all very similiar, so no need to go nuts and buy a whole bunch.

I found them when I was researching some high altitude climb training. Mark Twight who is the founder of superlight alpine climbing and an amazing athlete recommends them one of his training books. Mark's training philosophy is simple: "The goal of physical training for alpine climbing can be summed up in one phrase: to make yourself as indestructible as possible. The harder you are to kill, the longer you will last in the mountains."

Mental strength is as important as physical strength and I think that the CD's have really helped me learn how to focus!
Let me know if you start using them - it would be good to know a fellow hemi-syncher!
Melissa
 
Dmd,

Sorry to hear about the situation you had with your Dad. It appears you had a lot of unresolved issues in your relationship with him. The fact that he led what sounds like a double life puts a surreal spin on the situation. The fact that he was your father makes the impact extremely deep since our parents have such a profound effect on our psyche.

I had a similar situation. My father was in the Army for over twenty years and during that time he spent most of it in Germany. About 15 years ago my Dad talked to me, my sister and my brother and told us that a man in Germany was making the claim that my father could be his father. My father did not deny the claim could be true. The man came here from Germany and met with my Dad and us. We were ready to accept him as our brother but when the paternity test came back it was negative. The feelings that remained were very confusing, to say the least. My father died last year but fortunately I had been through years of counseling and came to terms with how I felt about my father. When he died, I felt little remorse because of how he treated my mother and his children which I won't get into here. I am able to view his behavior very objectively.

I believe a little talk therapy would help your situation tremendously. If not with a LMHC or Psychologist, certainly with someone from your church if you attend one. These feeling you are containing need to be resolved so you can find peace, IMHO.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top