He just doesn't get it!!!!

pjlippert

pjlippert

Cathlete
Okay, I need to vent. How is it that some men just don't get the roles of a Mom!?!?!? :confused:

So, I live in CO with my wonderful but "spirited" seven year old son :eek:. My husband lives and works in New Mexico due to his job - no, I won't move to NM.

Here's the scoop. I have been trying to get my recruiting business off the ground for the past two years. But my poor little son, bless his heart, has had health problems, so that got put on the back burner. I think we nearly have his health under control.

As many of you know, getting a business of the ground is full of challenges and surprises. Doing it as a single parent is really tough. My husband (soon to be ex if he doesn't get a grip on my life) works 9 hours a day then goes to his apartment, goes for a run, eats dinner, pays a few bills and does whatever else he does for HIMSELF.

My workday begins at 7:30 getting my son ready for school and preparing for the day. I get home and get some work done, do my workout, do some bills, try to get some more work done, run errands, do laundry, clean the house, do the dishes, take the dog for a walk, run more errands, pay more bills and TRY to get some "real" work done for my very own company..... honestly, I still haven't figured out how the heck I'm going to juggle all of this.

Back to the husband.... his work day is essentially finished. I however, go to pick up my son at about 3:45 and my SECOND, THIRD AND FOURTH jobs begin.... you know the routine- he has a snack, we chat about his day if he is up to it, he has an hour of down-time- which of course he wants all of my attention because he is an only child. Then it's the homework battle, bath-time, dinner time, more laundry, preparing dinner and lunch for the next day, getting him to bed and back to bed and back to bed.

FINALLY around 9:00 if the GODS are smiling on me, I get to "relax". He has to make stuff up to seem like he is "busy" taking care of only himself... well, I had to buy some groceries (hear the viollin playing?!?!). :mad::mad:

For any of you who have managed to start up a business and be a single working mom, PLEASE help me figure out how in God's name you do it all? I have lots of friends who all have their own lives. My closest relative is my sister in Spain..... can't really ask her to babysit.

I implore you to share your strategies and secrets. I NEED this business for my financial independence and for my sanity to get to do "big kid" work and talk to people about "big-kid" things. How do you do it?? How can I do it???

Thanks!
Pam
 
I don't think you will like my answer. Most people on the Cathe nation get up early to get their wo in before their day starts. It looks like errands , cleaning, bill paying etc is just an excuse not to get down to work. If this new business is important to you, it will be a priority to you while your son is in school. You should not need to pay bills more than once a week and it shouldn't take that long. Your house will probably not be perfect but you and your son should clean it once a week together. I do one load of wash per day while cooking dinner. Errands should be allocated to one day and everything done at once. You will always need to be super organized and will not have any free time. I reread this and it seems harsh but is not meant to be. I am self employed and it is always easy to find some chore to avoid the real paying work.

And no your husband will never get it.

Joan
 
pjlippert said:
Okay, I need to vent. How is it that some men just don't get the roles of a Mom!?!?!? :confused:

So, I live in CO with my wonderful but "spirited" seven year old son :eek:. My husband lives and works in New Mexico due to his job - no, I won't move to NM.

Here's the scoop. I have been trying to get my recruiting business off the ground for the past two years. But my poor little son, bless his heart, has had health problems, so that got put on the back burner. I think we nearly have his health under control.

As many of you know, getting a business of the ground is full of challenges and surprises. Doing it as a single parent is really tough. My husband (soon to be ex if he doesn't get a grip on my life) works 9 hours a day then goes to his apartment, goes for a run, eats dinner, pays a few bills and does whatever else he does for HIMSELF.

My workday begins at 7:30 getting my son ready for school and preparing for the day. I get home and get some work done, do my workout, do some bills, try to get some more work done, run errands, do laundry, clean the house, do the dishes, take the dog for a walk, run more errands, pay more bills and TRY to get some "real" work done for my very own company..... honestly, I still haven't figured out how the heck I'm going to juggle all of this.

Back to the husband.... his work day is essentially finished. I however, go to pick up my son at about 3:45 and my SECOND, THIRD AND FOURTH jobs begin.... you know the routine- he has a snack, we chat about his day if he is up to it, he has an hour of down-time- which of course he wants all of my attention because he is an only child. Then it's the homework battle, bath-time, dinner time, more laundry, preparing dinner and lunch for the next day, getting him to bed and back to bed and back to bed.

FINALLY around 9:00 if the GODS are smiling on me, I get to "relax". He has to make stuff up to seem like he is "busy" taking care of only himself... well, I had to buy some groceries (hear the viollin playing?!?!). :mad::mad:

For any of you who have managed to start up a business and be a single working mom, PLEASE help me figure out how in God's name you do it all? I have lots of friends who all have their own lives. My closest relative is my sister in Spain..... can't really ask her to babysit.

I implore you to share your strategies and secrets. I NEED this business for my financial independence and for my sanity to get to do "big kid" work and talk to people about "big-kid" things. How do you do it?? How can I do it???

Thanks!
Pam
Click to expand...

I'm somewhat confused as to why you insist on not moving to New Mexico, when your recruiting business is clearly not taking off as you had hoped. Like the responder before me, you probably aren't going to like this answer, but it seems that in large part your problems are self-generated and in large part unnecessary, including the problems caused by your son being separated from his father. I sincerely suggest you rethink your position of not moving; from what you've described the problems of maintaining two separate households are very destructive to you.

A-Jock
 
Hi Joan,

Thank you very much for your perspective. You're right, in order to make my business a success I need a major time-management adjustment. I guess it requires scheduling and fitting things in at more specific times. My focus has been entirely on my son's health and I've had to juggle things to fit around doctor schedules and figuring out what's been bothering him.

I'm open to any type of time-management things you have used. It all seems soo overwhelming at first. I think once I get into the groove it will seem less crazy---- I hope!

Pam
 
HI A-Jock,

Thanks for your response. NM is not an option because my son's eczema and health problems are extremely exacerbated by very hot and very dry climates. We've moved several times already and this is the first time his health has begun to get under control due to my diligence to finding the right doctors and specialiasts. He has already been in the hospital more times than most kids his age and I won't risk messing with the success in his health. I believe due to the fresh air and I think the altitude has helped his asthma by strengthening his lungs.... etc... I am NOT making excuses or feeling sorry for myself. Just stating the facts with a bit of emotion thrown in for color.

Let me be very clear, I am simply asking for helpful ideas as to how I can make this succeed as a single parent. And to be perfectly frank, this physical spearation was intentional due to some highly personal issues with my husband.

I simply want some advice, encouragement and support.

Thanks.
Pam
 
Pam -

Putting things in writing doesn't always express your intention in the manner you wish! Believe me! I've gotten into more trouble that way!

Focus on what you wish to accomplish in your life. Make a list of regular tasks that can be bundled into one day (errands, bills, laundry, cleaning, etc.). Now you have six days to work with. Allocate some "you" time - your workout, reading or just relaxing quietly. If your son's health is getting in line, lay down specific play time with your son every day. The rest of the week is yours to focus on work, business development and such.

As to meals, which in themselves can be time consuming, find things you can fix over the weekend for a full week's worth, so you're not spending quite so much time in the kitchen.

What else? That's all I can think about right now. It's not easy! I've had to adjust my workout schedule just due to the stress it was causing me working out at night! Too much to do on my own with my DH in school at night in Boston. We live about an hour away. I'm not a morning person, but I had to commit myself to morning workouts.

You have to make concessions. Give up the things you must for the greater good!

Good luck! I hope this helps!
 
Hi Pam,
Regarding the excema, I think Colorado is pretty dry, isn't it? I think you were in San Diego for the RT, but, I think our paths didn't cross. Anyway, I have bad excema, and I get bothered with the dry climates, too. I think also, I am probably allergic to molds in the winter in Oregon, but, I'm better once spring and summer are here. San Diego was perfect for my skin(warm, humid), maybe you could try somewhere like that for your son if he's still fighting the excema. When I was in Colorado for a few days many years ago, it wasn't a good place for me and my excema.

Sorry, no advice on getting your business off the ground--it is always tough when the kids are little.

Good luck!
 
Hi Tricia and Linda!

Thank you both for your advice! I'm totally hearing this time-managment thing loud and clear! And you are right, I thought I was trying to say one thing and it got toally misconstrued. Anyone who has had a child or family member with illnesses understands how intense life and schedules can be. My dad passed away about five years ago in San Diego after spending time in hospice care in my home... I was taking care of him while also caring for my son. My husband was in a better place at the time and helped out, but it was still difficult.

Hey Linda! I know, how weird about the San Diego climate!! I was all prepared to move back to CA in a heartbeat if his skin was "happier", oddly, it was worse. Ugh!! The RT was fun, regardless! You know, we even visited North Carolina last year thinking the humidity woudl be great--- oops!! What a disaster on his skin!! Too true, it is VERY dry in CO, but I think he has adjusted. And I pray that he will eventually outgrow it or at least it becomes less and less each year.

I've talked with and picked the brains of no fewer than a dozen specialists. I've changed his diet, enviroment and other routines to help him get to where he is. I'd be concerned that another upheavel in his life would re-start the cycle again.

Even with some harsher posts, I really do appreciate all of the feedback. It gives me things to ponder. I still want more scheduling advice!!

Thanks again!
Pam
 
Hi Pam - I know what it's like to have a child with health issues in the family, even if not MY kid -- growing up, my little sister had leukemia, and now my best friend has a son with a major disability. I know that it can make nearly everything more difficult, at least for periods, to put it mildly.

As to time management, my best advice: drop any perfectionism you're hanging on to, if you are. (I did for years, all the while thinking I wasn't.) For instance, the house can be a wreck -- who cares, really? You do, sure... but your health and career are more important than how your house looks. Backburner it, just like you backburner everything when your son is sick. Prioritize.

And don't make yourself crazy being the "perfect" mother, either -- again, if you are. I think too many of us try too hard, and even more so with a kid struggling with health issues, who you want to pamper even more. But you'll never be perfect, and they need to learn self-sufficiency, too, right?

But here I'll add something different than I think a lot of the wonderful women on this board say: don't give up sleep to get in a workout or anything else that's not an emergency. A full, solid 7-8 hours night's sleep is no less part of a healthy life than exercise or diet. It's critical for stress management and mental health. It's critical for immune and other essential body functions. It's not an optional activity you can trade off for something else. It's one of the non-negotiable basics.

And no, until your DH spends some time as a "single" dad, he's probably not gonna get it.

Prioritization is all, and as they say, "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good."

My 2 cents.

Wish you the best with your career, your son, everything! Stay strong! :)
 
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Getting your business off the ground

My husband and I started and ran a home health/nursing company for many years, so I can give you some advice on that end, if you like. It had many similarities to a recruiting firm. We were able to sell it very profitably, which has provided the financial security you are seeking.

Starting a company has to be a full time job, and if you are running it from your home, you are not able to focus properly on making it a success. My son was three when I went into business, and our daughter was born during our second year of business. I never brought my kids to work and I paid top dollar for reliable, professional pre-school/day care. Once they were in school, they went to after school programs. This enabled me to give them 100% of my attention once my work day and their school day were over. Clear division between home and professional life is essential. I was at my kids' recitals and conferences, but I never worked the bake sale or the book fair. If I was able, I sent in some cookies or something. My staff, employees and clients needed to know my commitment was 100%. I was always there to market, meet with clients, speak with potential caregivers and employees with issues. From 8-5, I was totally focused on our success.

As we became more successful, I was able to bring in middle management and create layers so that I could delegate responsibilities. Until we were able, I did not take any personal time. I worked out at 5:30 am, before the kids awoke. There were no date nights, "personal time" or weekends away. I felt that "my time" was when I was off at work. Once I had a decent income, I hired a cleaning lady once a week, but until then, I did it all myself. I parceled out chores over the course of the week so that there was time on the weekends to do fun things with the kids.

This kind of focus and dedication can reap big rewards, personally and financially. I wish you lots of success.



I never gave any thought to what my husband was doing with regard to housework/parenting. I knew I was only able to control my own choices and priorities, not his. Now that our kids are older, he is a very active parent and does a lot of the running for carpools and errands.
 
For what it's worth - here's my 2 cents:

It sounds as though you are a stay at home mom with one child that goes to school during the day. With just the two of you living in your home, I can't imagine there would be oodles and oodles of laundry, housework, etc. So in MY opinion from what you have shared - since your son's health issues are just about under control, you should have plenty of time to get your household in order in a minimal amount of time, workout, run errands, pay bills AND have time to work on your business before you pick your son up from school.

That being said, I posted on this very forum probably about a year or so ago about being a stay at home mom with all of the responsibilities. My husband's only work around here is the lawn and he pays someone to take care of that. The rest lies solely on me (I have no family in the area as well).

What I am hearing in your post is not the fact that you are doing all of the work in regards to your child and your home. The two of you made that decision when he moved to his job and you stayed behind and that was part of the bargain. I think you are very frustrated, angry and resentful that you are doing everything and he is not recognizing or appreciating it.

They say a stay at home mom's job is the most thankless on the planet and when your spouse also gives you little appreciation, it can make the situation much worse.

If he were more supportive of you emotionally and mentally (obviously he can't help you physically living in another state), would you feel better about your situation? What is the dialogue between you and your husband right now about this?
 
Can I ask what it is you want from your DH? You don't seem to want him to move to CO and you aren't moving to NM, so given that, what is it that he can do for you that he isn't doing? I agree that you are in a tough spot and that you naturally feel overwhelmed, but I also sense that you are being run down by resentment and anger towards your DH. I think it might be healthy for you to really think about those draining emotions and see if that is where your energy is leaking. If it is, you might be doing yourself, your son, and your business a favor by letting go of your expectations towards your DH.
 
Great advice on this thread.

My situation is different on many levels from yours, but I am a working mother with a working husband and three children.

Getting everything done is not possible - simply not possible. Some things will not get done and I was not happy about that for a long while, but then figured out it wasn't going to change, so better I focus my energy on something else rather than getting worked up about all that didn't get done.

A few things I've learned along the way
- NEVER keep score or compare yourself to anyone else. I just about drove myself crazy when our twins were born because DH wasn't doing 'as much' as I was. Me keeping score (and reporting out to him where he stood) was bad for me, bad for him and bad for the marriage. Just let it go and do what you need to do to be happy. I know your marriage is in a different place than mine, but it made a world of difference when I changed my focus to loving my husband for what he did do instead of criticising him for what he didn't do.

- Every day - make a list (short one), priortize the list (focus on the tasks that will get you toward your goal-whatever that is), work the list.

- Build in down time - mini breaks throughout the day. They don't have to be long, but you may need a few extra minutes here or there because of traffic, etc.

- Group like tasks together. Someone already said this and it's great advice. Shop once a week, cook once a week, run errands once a week, clean once a week, pay bills once a week.

- Don't accept anything new into your life until you have let something go. No new volunteer activities at school, church, craft projects, workout regimins, etc.

- 5S your world (Sort - remove things from your world that are not needed, get clutter out of your home, Simplify - neatly arrange the things you use, Scrub - clean up your space, Standardize - Sort, simplify and scrub regularly, Sustain - always follow these principles) I 5S'd my sons' dresser - sorting, labeling, their drawers, etc and it saved us half an hour a week at least in time it took them to put away their laundry.

I'm interested to hear what you do and how it goes. Good luck!
 
I want to add another thought/question, and please understand that I say this with kindness and compassion as someone who has been there. The time and energy you spend trying--and failing--to make him understand, could you be spending that time making your life easier by accomplishing tasks on your to-do list? Similarly, could the time and energy you spend thinking and stressing about the situation also not be used productively? I find myself doing this, and I think it's so harmful and such a barrier to happiness and reaching any of my goals. I have had to conclude that there is NO ONE that I should expect to help me and bring me happiness other than myself, there is NO REASON in the world to expect that I deserve an easier life than the one I have now, and in fact I am so grateful that my life is as rich, peaceful, and easy as it is. Once I am able to stop the cycle of stress and anxiety, I find I get so much more accomplished and am so much happier doing it.
 
Delegate

Get a couple of interns that can help you with a variety of things. This will give them experience and you an extra set of hands to help with all kinds of things. And, normally interns are not paid. Advertise in the right place and you will get a lot of great people and if you are willing to write recommendations and help with some paper work, they often get credit from their college.
 
WOW! Thank you alll sooo much for all of the advice and support. I really appreciate the feedback. I will put together a strategy and to-do lists to get things in order and move forward. And you are all aslo correct in saying that DH give zero support or even a thanks. I'm just going to move past that and take care of my son, my business and myself.

Againk thank you for all of your thoughts and compassion.

Hugs,
Pam
 
JoanC said:
I don't think you will like my answer. Most people on the Cathe nation get up early to get their wo in before their day starts. It looks like errands , cleaning, bill paying etc is just an excuse not to get down to work. If this new business is important to you, it will be a priority to you while your son is in school. You should not need to pay bills more than once a week and it shouldn't take that long. Your house will probably not be perfect but you and your son should clean it once a week together. I do one load of wash per day while cooking dinner. Errands should be allocated to one day and everything done at once. You will always need to be super organized and will not have any free time. I reread this and it seems harsh but is not meant to be. I am self employed and it is always easy to find some chore to avoid the real paying work.

And no your husband will never get it.

Joan
Click to expand...

Yes, this. As I read your schedule, I immediately thought that your work should consume literally 100% of the time that your son is in school. That means, you set your alarm for 5:00am to get your workout in, and you can do all the other "house" stuff, that NEEDS to be done (you don't need to clean, pay bills, do laundry EVERY day) when your son is home doing his homework.

If you want your business to really turn into anything, you have to make it a priority. Right now, it seems like it's an afterthought for you, based on how you schedule it into your day.

Good luck!!!!!!!
 
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