Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism?!?!? -------->

N

niclyf

Cathlete
I'm trying really, *really* hard to recover from Anorexia .. I've just come out of an intensive day program, that was seriously, a BIG joke (the psychiatrist I had was a complete jerk, and my dietician was seriously clueless!) so unfortunately, I'm having to go it alone on this one.

I realize that my ultimate goal should be weight gain .. however I really wanted to see that I could actually eat more (not huge amounts, but more) and not gain weight initially .. Having been obese for the first 18 yrs of my life (I'm going to be 30 at the end of the month), I need to know that I can eat a normal amount of calories and not gain weight, but maintain weight. Right now, I'm only eating about a 1000 cals a day, and working out 7 days a week. While I was in the "program" .. I was eating slightly more, but maintaining my weight. I've since dropped a couple hundred, for no other reason than stress and just being clueless how to add more foods in without freaking out :( Here's where I struggle with this whole thing .. In the last month, I've gained three pounds! I know I shouldn't care, but here's why I do ...

* I'm working out as much/sometimes more .. & eating about 200 cals less a day than I was in the program .. so HOW can I gain weight eating less and doing the same amount of exercise (some days more) .. I wanted to start increasing my calories again .. but now I'm terrified to .. because I'm gaining eating 1000 calories a day!

* I've had a habit of mini weekend "binges" after a couple glasses of wine on Friday/Saturday nights, and those are less calorie-wise, aren't as extreme yet when I was "bingeing" worse, I didn't gain anything! Now the binges are about half of what they used to be, and I'm now gaining weight!! How is it possible that while I've improved there, taking in *LESS* calories that I'm gaining weight (with that in mind too)?

I just don't get what's going on!?!? I mean .. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking how to take off those three pounds .. but it certainly has me really hesitant/terrified to increase my calories and back down on my workouts, when I'm gaining under these conditions! It's crazy!! What's going on here .. any ideas?

I'm just so confused! I used to workout a lot less than I do .. eat more than I am, and maintain my weight .. and this was during a time when my "weekend" binges were a lot worse than they are now!!

Any insight? I'm seriously lost as to how to increasing my calories .. when I'm already gaining while eating so little and working out all the time :(

:-( :-( :-(
 
Hi niclyf-

As someone who was obese and then became anorexic, I would first like to share with you that I never became obese again for the rest of my life after the anorexia. Once you learn about nutrition and how to feed and fuel your body properly, obesity will never darken your door again. Sure, you may be a few pounds overweight again at some point in your life, but it will be inconsequential. So, I think first and foremost, you need to stop worrying so much. No offense, but your post inidicates to me that you are worried about the wrong things.

Just exercise regularly (sorry, but 7 days is too much), and see a nutritionist to learn how you should be eating to stay healthy and strong and to fuel your body. Also, please find a new therapist who has a specialty in eating disorders. Just because the psychiatrist you saw was a jerk (a lot of them are) doesn't mean there isn't someone great out there who can help you. Just keep looking.

We anorexics are black and white people. For us, everything has to be all or nothing. We are not comfortable with shades of gray. With your therapist you will learn that you don't have to work out 7 days per week or 0 days per week. There are in-betweens. And you don't have to eat no cookies or the whole box either. It's amazing to me, but I still struggle with this in times of stress. I still feel that if I eat something "bad" at lunch, the whole day is "shot" and dinner is a free-for-all. But I am aware of my all-black-or-all-white thinking and work hard at trying to control it. It can be done. But it's very difficult to do it by yourself, and working with a therapist is very important in my opinion. EATING DISORDERS ARE VERY SERIOUS AND VERY TENACIOUS AND THEY ARE TOO DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH ALONE.

Lots of luck to you in your road to health!! And please let us know how you are doing, okay?

-Nancy
 
I don't know much about aneroxic but I thought I would chime in here.
If you are underweight, wouldn't it be your bodies normal reaction to gain weight? Or have to already gained and trying to maintain?
If you are working out everyday, you could be buring anywhere from 300-700 cals (depending on how much cardio you do) which only leaves you with 300 cals to do everything else you need to do.
I wouldn't look at gaining weight as a bad thing.Your body is probably learning to balance itself out and if you are not overeating, Im sure you are not going to end up overweight again.
And with this being said, your metobolism will speed up again when it gets use to the food intake.
Just my 2 cents, and congrats for getting help!
Lori:)
 
RE: Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism...

Hi niclyf, I just read your post and thought I might reply because I have been where you are as well. While I was never obese and/or landed myself in the hospital with my disorder, I relate to everything you are saying. In my phases I would hardly eat enough to sustain my body's most basic functions, but the end result was of course, I loved the way I looked. Then when I started eating more and exercising ALL the time, i gained weight. Which made me miserable, thus perpetuating the cycle and this is the story of the stuggle that plagues us.

Maybe I don't have enough insight on you specifically to honestly do you any good, but I wanted to share with you what works for me. I believe once you have a disorder you will always struggle with it at least to a certain degree. There is always that nagging voice in the back of your head telling you what to do and trying to control you. Sometimes it may be more silent than others, but your job as a recovering anorexic is to educate yourself to know better. Read books about metabolism and exercise. Your body does need more than 1000 calories to function. Everyone's does. It is not possible to sustain a 'normal functioning' body on that minimal amount. When you eat that little, it is just a detriment to yourself because your body will hang on to whatever you feed it and those precious muscles that you are working so hard to gain (7 days a week) will disappear as your body converts those to energy. If you want to be anorexic then this is a good thing b/c you will eventually disappear. But you are recovering and if you truly want to recover, you have to get rid of this kind of thinking.

Being someone with an eating disorder, I can control it most when I know exactly what I'm going to eat, how much and making sure it is a proper portion. Set a calorie limit for yourself for the day. And the key is to eat those calories throughtout the day and not all at once when you are so hungry you will eat whatever is in the fridge. I've done that too, and it sucks doesn't it. Nothing feels worse then a binge. Say you want to consume 1200 to 1400 for that day. Get a little book and keep track. Divide those calories by the number of times you want to eat that day. Say.....5-6 - a good number and consume 250 calories each time you eat. That way, your bodies metabolism never shuts down and you keep feeding your muscles and they won't disappear. Have healthy food around and lots of protein. Don't eat junk. But don't deprive yourself either. i still have problems with that. I won't eat cookies b/c I know they are crap food and you shouldn't eat them. But since i never let myself eat cookies, when I finally do eat one or sneak one out of the box I can eat half the box. So if you want to have ONE cookie a day or every other day or even once a week, then do it. It is not going to kill you. The trick is to learning to eat like a normal person again, and its so hard. Try to eat with people whenever you can, no more of this eating by yourself either.

As far as working out, make sure you are doing weights. If you already are, then that is great and a little weight gain at first is normal. What you are doing by lifting weights is gaining muscle which is speeding up your metabolism. Doing aerobic exercise is great as we all know for many reasons such as keeping your heart in tip top shape and many more, but weightlifting creates an afterburn for up to 48 hours after you work out! If you go for a run, botta-bing botta-boom, you probably burn 700 + calories per hour, but once you are done running, you stop burning extra calories almost immediately after you are done. Weight lifting permanentely gives your metabolism a boost (if you are consistent with it of course) plus one extra pound of muscle burns 50-100 calories extra per day just to sustain it. Maybe you are building muscle when you are working out.

I guess my advice to you after reading your post, is eating consistently. It does not have to be a lot. Trust me. But it will stop the binges, which is probably the biggest detriment. A good book that helped turn my thinking around is the Abs Diet book. Honestly, it really helped me see that food is not the enemy, how you eat it is. Please do get a therapist though, you can not do this on your own. Keep us posted.
 
I'm in the club of the persons who have struggled with anorexia, and I totally agree with Miss Nancy. You should find a new therapist, and don't try to fix yourself.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain ;-)
 
RE: Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism...

Nancy324 - You said it from the top! Please take her advice -- you don't have to go it alone.

You deserve the help and have the right to "click" with your therapist. Might take a couple tries (ask questions, feel her/him out), but know you're worth it to find someone you trust.

My therapist specializes in eating disorders and body/movement therapy. I truly believe the body holds emotions in a variety of ways, so be gentle with yourself.

Take a deep breath, ask for help, and have faith.

Warm blessings to you.
 
RE: Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism...

Hi niclyf-

I feel for you, and I want you to know that you are NOT alone. I agree with all the others have said. Also, you might want to try a few books by Geneen Roth. Her books are enlightening and life changing for many. They might be able to help you, especially when you are alone, or can't get to a thearpist appt.

just keep trying, you will overcome this horrible ordeal.

-Tina
 
RE: Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism...

>>* I've had a habit of mini weekend "binges" after a couple
>glasses of wine on Friday/Saturday nights, and those are less
>calorie-wise, aren't as extreme yet when I was "bingeing"
>worse, I didn't gain anything! Now the binges are about half
>of what they used to be, and I'm now gaining weight!! How is
>it possible that while I've improved there, taking in *LESS*
>calories that I'm gaining weight (with that in mind too)?
>
>I just don't get what's going on!?!? I mean .. Don't get me
>wrong, I'm not asking how to take off those three pounds ..
>but it certainly has me really hesitant/terrified to increase
>my calories and back down on my workouts, when I'm gaining
>under these conditions! It's crazy!! What's going on here ..
>any ideas?
>
>

It sounds like your body is trying to rediscover its set point. After being starved for so long, your body is grabbing each calorie because it is still afraid of when the next meal will be. Don't worry it will readjust as soon as it realizes that you will continue to feed it ...the body is very resilient and smarter than you think. You also need a lot of time mentally "to learn" to trust your body. A body can't function effectively on 1000 calories a day without rebelling....its just not going to happen.

Did you ever notice that most really heavy people only eat 1 or 2 meals a day....and they are heavy for the very same reason. The body just doesn't know when the next meal will be. The majority of thin or average weight people eat at least 3 to 6 times a day...the body never goes into starvation mode.

Talk to a registered dietician to make sure your food is on track....most insurance companies will cover it if you had/have an eating disorder. If it is not covered they don't cost that much. Talk to a therapist/psychiatrist who can help you with overcoming the mental aspects of the disorder. You can "say" it is okay to gain weight, but I am very sure it is still very difficult for you and will most likely always be difficult for you (I've delt with this disease 1st hand in my family for over 30 years so I would venture to say I know a little about it). Also, be careful also not to trade your eating disorder into an exercise addiction. Make sure your exercise goals are truly healthy ones as well.

Learn to love and trust your body and get support. You can't do it alone. There are wonderful organizations like ANAD that can help you and get you in touch with others who can help.

I hope I don't sound like I'm lecturing. You've already received such great information and I only wish to add to it.

Hope this helps:
http://www.something-fishy.org/

I wish you good health and happiness always.

Robin
 
RE: Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism...

Hey ..

First I have been a certified fitness instructor for 20+ years .. second I too have starved myself (luckily got help early and in turn decided to get healthy) .. third I have several friends that have suffered from anorexia and some recovered from anorexia/bulemia .. and that said certainly makes me NO EXPERT .. LOL .. just someone who can relate somewhat to what you are going thru ..

1000 calories is EXTREMELY low calorie intake .. the average person's body needs a minimal of 1200 calories just to maintain bodily functions .. this is not taking into account your calorie expenditure from exercising. Nor that it says you are male which you should require even more calories ..

IMO . . you are exercising TOO much also .. this is also a symptom of anorexia - overexercising. You need to give your body a rest .. so that it can recover from all the hard work you put into it.

Too many times people overexercise and stop seeing results .. or have to push even harder to see anything .. the ironic thing is .. IF they could back off and take a rest .. they would start seeing more results with less effort. The initial "gain" you are talking about is normal .. and probably a lot of it is water .. however it sounds as if you NEED to gain weight .. and your body is wanting you to (as hard as that will be to accept)

.. don't go it alone .. get a nutritionist and a psychologist trained to treat people who suffer from anorexia.. and join a support group .. it helps to talk it out with others ..

Anorexia is a disease .. and a cruel one. It affects the chemistry of your brain and in turn the way you look at food and yourself in the mirror. Trust me ..what you think you see is not what everyone else sees.

Remember you are a beautiful person .. and deserve to have happiness .. and food will not determine that nor define happiness.

Your body is the only one you will have for the rest of your life .. and you should want to nuture it .. feed it .. treat it with respect so that it will in turn live long and strive for a long and satisfying life.

Please don't go it alone .. The recovery road can be a long and uphill battle, with pitfalls and setbacks ...

Here is a linc to some great websites that contain information and sources for support groups and help ..

http://www.something-fishy.org/other/organizations.php

Most importantly .. LOVE yourself .. and be good to yourself .. don't go it alone ..
 
RE: Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism...

Hi -

I just wanted to lend a voice of support in your struggle. Please listen to the above advice and don't try to deal with this alone. Having dealt with an eating disorder with my DS, I know the guidance of trained professionals is an absolute necessity.

There is a therapist who is right for you, please continue to search.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
:)
 
RE: Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism...

Geneen Roth was the forefront of my healing. When I read the first GR book four years ago, I made a pact with myself to want the TRUTH more than anything else. I can tell you -- life changing. Roth (and many others) advocates ditching dieting and truly loving yourself.

Read, pray, find a good therapist who is gentle with you, and stay true to your inner light.

Warm blessings...
 
RE: Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism...

niclyf,

I have been where you are too. I was very heavy when I was young, and a very anorexic teen and young adult. The mindset will always be there, you have to learn to "control" the negative talk. Please seek a new therapist, like Nancy said, it sometimes takes a lot of time to find a good "fit". Your body is grabbing everything you give it right now, it will adjust, just like (Robin, I think) said. 1000 calories is too low, especially with working out. Give yourself at least 1 day off at this time of healing your body, 4 days on and 3 days off would probably be better, but I know how hard that might be emotionally. As I said, I was very underweight for a very long time,(7 years, 3 of which were under 70lbs) the body is amazingly resilient. You will be able to eat and not gain weight. I have been "recovered" now for about 18 years. This only means that I haven't been underweight for that time, I still struggle emotionally with feeling fat, especially in times of stress. I have never been overweight again, this should be the least of your worries, but I realize it is a very real one for you. Please take care of yourself, find a new therapist and give your body a break. It will be good to you.

Vickie
 
RE: Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism...

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and support. I know it's crazy to be so worked up over a slight weight gain .. it's just frustrating to feel as though I can't/shouldn't increase my food intake .. when I can gain weight eating so little food. There's still that overweight/obese girl in me that's terrified of going becoming a victim of that again, which in my mind (be it right or wrong) is terrifying :\

If anyone has any specific book recommendations on healthy living/eating, Iwould greatly appreciate it! At least in the interim of finding a good therapist I can work with, it would be some source of information/inspiration/encouragement.

Thanks again!
 
I'm a former anorexic. I also had bulimia and binge eating disorder. Last year, I read a book called The Tao of Eating and really liked it. I'm not sure if it's the right book for the stage you are at, though.

As far as therapists, I wanted to tell you that my best therapist didn't specialize in eating disorders. He worked mostly with addicts, but felt that since I was addicted with food, body image, exercise, weight, etc. that he could help me. Just another option for you if you don't find an eating disorder therapist that you like.

I also have to recommend the something-fishy website. There might be good book recommendations there for you.

Good luck.

Erica
 
RE: Have I just *totally* screwed up my body/metabolism...

>Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and
>support. I know it's crazy to be so worked up over a slight
>weight gain .. it's just frustrating to feel as though I
>can't/shouldn't increase my food intake .. when I can gain
>weight eating so little food. There's still that
>overweight/obese girl in me that's terrified of going becoming
>a victim of that again, which in my mind (be it right or
>wrong) is terrifying :\
>
>If anyone has any specific book recommendations on healthy
>living/eating, Iwould greatly appreciate it! At least in the
>interim of finding a good therapist I can work with, it would
>be some source of information/inspiration/encouragement.
>
>Thanks again!

"The Don't Diet Live it workbook (Healing Food, Weight & Body Issues )" By Andrea LoBue and Marsea Marcus is an excellent place to start and an appointment with a registered dietician who will set you up on a rational food plan. A good daily devotional for overcomeing Anorexia/Bulimia might also prove useful like "Beyond the Looking Glass." If you prefer to leave Biblical verses out you can pick up "Inner Harvest" (Hazelden Meditation Series). "The Eating Disorder Sourcebook by Carolyn Cotin" is also a great source of valuable information. If you need more recommendations on self esteem etc....feel free to drop me a line;)

HTH,
Robin
 
Please excuse my ignorance of aneorexia,

but i have to agree that you should see a professional regarding your condition. metabolism is a function that is regulated by the brain. at the same time, i've read reports that many experts believe that aneorxia and eating disorders can be a psychological/brain disorder... contradicting earlier belief that eating disorders were just 'behavioral issues'.

in otherwords, i believe someone trying to 'fix' their aneoriexia is about as useful someone trying to 'fix' their bipolar disorder, or depression. Find a better doctor!
 
try to eat balanced meals. proteins. fats. small amount of REAL carbohydrate and healthy (non damaged) fats and vegetables. balanced meals help all systems of the hormone system stay balanced, while not over eating anyone food group. example. half jactet potato (real carb) with real butter, steamed vegetables with olive oil dressing and chicken breast. this is a balanced meal (maybe some salad too). all food groups. not too much of any. strive for balance. overeating any one food group is never good (unless were talking vegetables!).
i know many people with eating disorders that have healed very nicely following balanced eating plans.
www.schwarzbeinprinciple.com
www.schwarzbeinprinciple.com/pgs/info/faq1.html
 
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