Gift-giving amounts question -- what's fair?

RunninTeach

RunninTeach

Cathlete
My sister, new BIL, and I chipped in together for my dad's Christmas gift this year - a GPS system. I'm wondering: would you have split the cost two ways or three?

About a year ago, we went out to dinner with my parents...When the bill came and I said I would take care of our parents' meal, my sister and then-future BIL offered to split that. They then gave me half the amount due.

I am used to splitting bills per person, not treating a couple as a single entity. As a single person, I feel I am sort of getting the shaft on this.

Just wondering how others have handled (or would handle) situations like this.

And actually, I'm also wondering: before my sister was married, I would spend a certain amount (say, $75) on her gift...now that she's part of a couple, do I spend the same amount on BIL's gift or since there's two of them, do I cut back and spend a lesser amount on each of them? I bought her shoes she wanted for $80 and so far only have a $50 gift cert for him. I was going to get him something else to bring it up to about $75, but then I started thinking, is this necessary? Is it OK to spend a little more on my sister than my BIL??

Any feedback is appreciated!

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

http://s228.photobucket.com/albums/ee296/runninteach/holidays/th_tomtebart2.gif
 
This is always a tough situation. I would say, as for what you have gotten them for Christmas, I would stop there. Maybe get them a small gift that is for both of them (like a bottle of wine or something), but I would not worry about spending equal amounts on each member of the couple.

In reading your scenarios about dinner and such.... I think I usually treat a couple as one entity. But now that you mention it, that really isn't fair in certain ways to a single person. I don't really know what the right answer is here...
 
Regarding splitting the dinner etc, we have always done it per person. That is the fair thing to do. Why should a single person have to pay double?
 
On dinner, group gifts and things like that, the couple is treated as one person. It's money out of one household/bank account/budget. Although 2 combined probably make more than 1 single, there is probably more expenses as well. If you really are on a tight budget, you can always tell the other people so and how much you can afford. If its a $100 gift and you really can only afford $30 instead of $50, tell them and I bet they'd understand - if it's family they have an idea of your lifestyle and cash flow anyway.

As for the Christmas gifts, I think $80 for her shoes is fine and $50 gift cert is fine for him. Don't get hung up on the price of the gift, as long as is something s/he will use and like. That said, getting her a $80 pair of shoes and him a $10 gift certificate will prob make him feel like you don't like him and are doing it bc you have to. But I think $80/50 are comparable. The other option is to spend the same as you would on her or a touch more and get them a "together" gift.

As for me, I really don't care how much a person actually spends on me. I'd rather have a $15 present that I really like and want/need than a $100 I'm-showing-off-how-much-I-spent gift that I don't like/need/want. It's not about the $$$ it's about the thoughtfulness. I'd rather someone get me something bc they like me and want to than bc they feel they have to. **end of rant**

Nan
 
Hi Cathy.

FWIW I totally agree that when splitting the cost of something between a couple and single person that it should be split THREE ways, not two.

As far as you gifting your sister and BIL. IMO it's okay to spend a bit more on her if you want to. I also think that you can bring down the limit on her in order to make it more affordable to buy for both of them.

Example:

My sister didn't have all 6 of her children at once! LOL When she has only her first 1 or 2, I used to spend a decent amount of cash on them. Over the years as the numbers rose to 3, 4, 5 and finally 6, the amount I spend per child has decreased. I was spending close to $100 a pop when she only had 1 or 2 kids. I can't afford to spend $600 on her kids alone and she would KILL me if I tried to! I now spend $30-$40 per child which comes to $180-$240 total so it's still around the same TOTAL amount I spent when she had less kids. Let me also say that I do not expect her to spend $200 on my ONE child in return for my buying her six kids something. She has set her limit for my son and whatever it is, I am fine with it.
 
Cathy, there really are no set rules on things like this between family members. Having said that, at restaurants, in general, it's per person, because a couple orders two meals. However, on splitting a gift, it's less clear. Your sister would probably give your Dad one gift, whether she's married or not, so being a couple doesn't really change the amount. As for your gifts, if I were you, I'd start giving them "joint" gifts, like household items, or spend less on each individual. It's important for you to stay within your spending comfort zone.

Don't worry, though. As soon as the kids start coming, you'll forget all about the grown-ups and just buy for the kids! That's what my family did. I was single and my brother had 3 kids. So guess who got the gifts? NOT my brother and SIL. ;) They were history. :+
 
I think it depends on the situation. And your relationship with your sister.

My sister has done the "I'm single and you're a couple so you pay double" route lately and it drives me insane. I've been in school for forever and she has been working and not paying much rent at all, so it feels strange when she makes the assertion "you have money you pay more" when in fact we really do not. That said, I pretty much have said to her that I made a decision a long time ago that I don't want to live watching pennies and I respect that she feels that is a good way for her to live her life, so whatever. Pay what you want. (Do you think I'm a little irritated by my sis?! LOL)

In terms of Christmas gifts in broad generalizations, couples have twice as many gifts to purchase, too. I am from a small family and DH has a large family so we spend a ton on his family, even just buying for kids.

I didn't spend as much on my BIL as I did on my sis when she was married. I didn't know him as well so buying things didn't make as much sense. My DH's sister and BIL we pretty much go equal because they are both a big part of our lives.

Like I said, it depends. :) Good luck!!
 
>My sister, new BIL, and I chipped in together for my dad's
>Christmas gift this year - a GPS system. I'm wondering: would
>you have split the cost two ways or three?

One way of looking at it is how many incomes does the couple take in? If only the husband (or wife) is earning a salary, then perhaps consider them jointly. If both are working, then both should chip in.


>About a year ago, we went out to dinner with my parents...When
>the bill came and I said I would take care of our parents'
>meal, my sister and then-future BIL offered to split that.
>They then gave me half the amount due.

That seems a bit unfair, especially since we're talking about a 'future BIL.'

>I am used to splitting bills per person, not treating a couple
>as a single entity.

I think that's the most fair.

>And actually, I'm also wondering: before my sister was
>married, I would spend a certain amount (say, $75) on her
>gift...now that she's part of a couple, do I spend the same
>amount on BIL's gift or since there's two of them, do I cut
>back and spend a lesser amount on each of them?

I don't see why you feel you have to spend the same amount on your BIL as on your sister. You have a closer, more long-standing relationship with your sister than with your BIL. I think what you have already is fine (and I wouldn't see anything wrong in the future with buying them a joint gift, then giving your sister an additional gift).
 
I am no help, but have to say, this is exactly why we do not give gifts on Christmas! I hate the whole scenario, its too stressful, plus I hate it when people give us gifts at Christmas, its "expected".

I do my gift giving on Valentines Day and Birthdays! They are unexpected and the receiver doesn't have to "give back", just enjoy their gift! :)
 
>About a year ago, we went out to dinner with my parents...When
>the bill came and I said I would take care of our parents'
>meal, my sister and then-future BIL offered to split that.
>They then gave me half the amount due.

So you offered to pay for 3 of the meals, your sister and future BIL offered to instead have you pay 2 of the meals (they pay for 3). But you think that they should have offered to have you pay for 1 2/3 of the meals (they pay for 3 1/3 meals).

I'm getting a headache even thinking about it. That was a year ago and you're still thinking about it?

As for Christmas gifts, forget about the expense or how much you spent for one compared to how much you spent for the other. Give what will be appreciated. (Although, in hindsight, I found it rather biased of my former inlaws when they gave me a $5 salt-n-pepper set while they gave their daughter a full set of cookware plus a full quilted comforter set.)

Diane
 
>So you offered to pay for 3 of the meals, your sister and
>future BIL offered to instead have you pay 2 of the meals
>(they pay for 3). But you think that they should have offered
>to have you pay for 1 2/3 of the meals (they pay for 3 1/3
>meals).>Diane

Or, EACH PERSON would pay for 1 2/3 meal (their own, and 1/3 of each of the parent's meals). (It's only sister and BIL paying for 3 1/3 meals if you take them both together, which is the question in the first place)
 
If you're each paying for your own meals and then picking up the tab for someone else as a gift, then I would treat couples as one entity because the money is coming out of one household.

As for Christmas gifts -- my siblings and I quit exchanging gifts years ago. At some point it just becomes ridiculous. We make a charitable donation in our deceased parents' names in lieu of buying gifts for each other. We still buy gifts for the kids, though.
 
I think it would be fair to split your Dad's gift in two ways and treat the household as one entity.

The same would apply to gifts to the couple (to the household- something they both can enjoy), although here it sounds like you are buying individual gifts versus couple gifts in which case I might spend a little bit more, but I wouldn't double the budget. I definitely think it's ok to spend more on your sister. I think your $80 + the $50 gift certificate is perfectly fine. It's probably what i would do.

Note this is just my opinion, i have no idea if there is a rule of thumb in this case.
 
Thanks, everyone, for your responses. I just needed to put the feelers out on this one.

I do want to say... :) I'm not at all the type of person who likes to quibble over dinner checks. I usually split it evenly with whomever I dine with, regardless of who ordered what (unless there is a very large discrepancy). I enjoy buying gifts for others and do put a lot of thought and effort into what they will like. In no way do I stress over it, but I do want to be conscious about not making my BIL feel slighted.

Diane, I only brought up that dinner out because this year’s joint Christmas gift had me wondering how these things should be fairly divided and I thought of that night. I suppose part of why I questioned it is because my sister has pretty high expectations of others (this is a woman who registered for a $185 Tiffany ice cream scooper for her 2nd wedding)...so when they divide a check into two instead of three, I think it's...well, cheap.

BUT...point taken about it being a season for giving from the heart and being grateful for what we have.

Thanks, ladies! :)

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

http://s228.photobucket.com/albums/ee296/runninteach/holidays/th_tomtebart2.gif
 
That ice cream scooper story is priceless. ;)

(and if your quibble comment was in response to my post at all, I really only meant it as a jab at my sister, not at anyone else! I promise!)
 
Cathy, in re-reading my post, I didn't mean to come off snippish and I probably did. I apologize. If it were a regular occurance, then yes, a working couple should be paying more of the share than a working single.

The adults in my family haven't exchanged gifts for the past 10 or 12 years now. It's so much easier!

Diane
 
She's just a miser more than anything. She has yet to give me a store-bought gift that cost more than $25. Ever. I wouldn't care if my taste were that level but well it isn't so it feels like she is ignoring who I am. I'd rather have nothing from her!

Of course, I seem to forget this every gift giving opportunity and always give her something more than $125, LOL. You'd think I'd wise up but I can't!

I guess I keep a tally. LOL. But really, she gave DH some crochet place mats for his birthday last year that she made.

We don't have a kitchen table.
 
Hi Diane,

No apology necessary. You didn't seem snippish. :) I just wanted to explain myself better, that I wasn't sitting here stewing over this stuff. Just was curious what others thought.

And good point--they live in the next state over, so dinners out aren't a regular occurrence and therefore not really a big deal. Life's too short, eh? :)

Amy,

*lol* Crochet place mats when there's no kitchen table??? I have an aunt who used to give me the most bizarre gifts--like whatever she could find on sale, I think. I remember one year (mind you, I was in my late 20s) she gave me silver Tweety bird earrings and a shag carpet steering wheel cover. *lol*

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

http://s228.photobucket.com/albums/ee296/runninteach/holidays/th_tomtebart2.gif
 
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