Future Sister-in-Law-OT

martijean1

martijean1

Cathlete
Hey there, Ladies...I need your advice on something...

I think my future SIL is an alcoholic...At the tender age of 25...Very sad...

It's taken me a year and a half to see it...She thinks she has a problem with "social" drinking (has one, then another, then another), but her fiance and I think it's all the time...Example...

We went out for lunch on Friday, mexican, had a couple mexican beers...Went to Costco, ran to the liquor store, she bought a bottle of wine...By the time I talked to her 2 hours later, bottle of wine is half gone (BIG bottle by the way) and she was sluring her words...

Saturday night she was in a wedding...3 beers, 2 "bumps" (so more than a shot) and 8 glasses of wine later, she's on her hands and knees in the bathroom...All within 4 hours...

The Saturday night before, at the bachlorette party, fiance had to pick her up...WAY too drunk to drive home...She was STILL drunk when I picked her up at 10am Sunday to go shopping...When we went to lunch, 3 beers down to "get rid of the hangover"...

She doesn't see that it's a problem! I'm not one to talk about drinking too much, I DO overindulge every now and then...But there's a difference when you KNOW when to stop...And many times she does this is public...I think she needs to see somebody...I've told her I'd drink O'Douls (non-alcoholic) with her, drink water with her, whatever...

Any thoughts?? Anybody here ever had to deal with this before??
Thanks, ladies!
MJ
 
Unfortunately, until she is ready to admit she has a problem, there is nothing you can do. Trying to force the issue sometimes has the opposite result, and generally puts the person on the defensive.

All you can really do here is let her know you're available if she ever wants to talk about it, then let it go. Perhaps if you know someone who is in AA, they can help you. You or her fiancee might try going to an Al-Anon meeting, as they can help you learn how to cope with someone who is alcoholic.

I know it's difficult. Hang in there.

Good luck,
Marie
 
Hi MJ,

I'd say you're right. It definitely sounds like she has a problem. These situations are so difficult to deal with--I don't envy you at all.

My dad was an alcoholic and it was just a terrible way to grow up. It's very complicated and to difficult to talk about in this kind of forum, but my advice would be to encourage your brother to get out now. ETA that it will be much harder to leave after they are married. Why would he want to be saddled with an alcoholc wife?

I would take a very hard line with her. Tell her that as long as she's drinking she may not have a place in your life. Tell her how she has embarrassed your family. Trust me when I tell you--the kid gloves have to come off. People with an addiction need to be pressured into abstinence. ETA they need to hit rock bottom.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Michele
 
If she is an alcoholic, and your bro sees the problem, why the heck is he marrying her?????????? It's only going to get worse, and I hate to see any kids they may have suffer. I was married to 2 alcoholics, and it's misery. Please urge him to re-think commiting himself to her until she gets help, gets dry and stays dry.

Just Do It! :)
 
Wow, Michele, I am sorry for your experience, but I totally disagree with the line of action you are suggesting.

Pressure on alcoholics or addicts of any sort does NOT work and I would say probably almost NEVER results in any form of real recovery. You canNOT force another person to end an addiction, particularly one that is based on physical addiction to a substance. Only they can make that choice, and most people can't do this alone.

I come from a long line of alcoholics and have been in recovery myself for four years. I did not go into AA until I had nearly destroyed my life and my body, and I did NOT recover until I was ready to admit that I had a problem that I was incapable of resolving on my own.

MJ, again, I would encourage you to use the Help Lines listed in your phone book to talk to someone who is in a program of recovery, whether that is AA or Al-Anon. Your brother should really talk to someone who can help him before moving forward with this marriage.

Good luck,
Marie
 
Marie,

I'm so glad you're in recovery. That's really wonderful and I wish you the very best.

You're right that you cannot force someone to stop drinking. Ultimately, the decision is their own to make. But you most certainly can take a hard line--and should. The addict does not have the right to inflict him/herself on anyone. I strongly advocate for interventions--confronting people with their addiction and letting them know how their behavior has affected/offended you, and letting them know that it stops or they have no place in your life or family.



Michele
 
Michele, thanks, I appreciate that. My experience with interventions (on either end) is they don't generally result in anything but driving the person underground, which sometimes exacerbates the alcoholic behaviors.

I think it's a great idea to have ONE straightforward conversation with the person where you are honest about what you see and how their behavior affects you or the family, and make suggestions about what can be done (rehab, AA, etc.) but I wouldn't expect any miracles in return. Be prepared to deal with complete denial, anger, and hostility on her part. If this is your brother's girlfriend, let it be his problem and not yours, because otherwise you will end up getting cut out of their lives completely. You don't want to play an enabling role but you don't want to be cast as the bad guy, either. If it sounds like a no-win situation, that's because it is.

I hope your brother gets some help before marrying a person in the throes of addiction.

Take care,
Marie
 
I don't think he really realized this until the past couple of months...And to be honest with you, neither did I...It's been getting worse and worse...

I just got off the phone with her, and sounds like she's going to start seeing a counselor and "cut back"...Maybe talking to someone else (not family) will open her eyes and make her realize what she's doing to herself...She needs to go to AA, I know that...Maybe she'll realize, too??

Thanks, Ladies!
MJ
 
Marie,

I've been around the block with this and I understand it all very well. I don't look at this through rose colored glasses. Yes, when you take this line you must be prepared for the possibility that the addict will "go underground".

I prefer to turn everything back onto the addict. It is NEVER the fault of anyone but the addict him/herself if/when they choose to drink. Again, they do not have a right to a place in ones life--that is a priviledge that is earned.

>You don't want to play an enabling role but you don't want to be cast as the bad guy, either. If it sounds like a no-win situation, that's because it is.

The thing to remember here is that the addict will always try to shift the blame. I would have none of it. I think it's wrong to let them manipulate you like that.

Michele
 
MJ -

Gosh I HOPE they can put off their wedding. How far away is it? It sounds like more problems are on the way if they get married. Agree bringing up kids with an alcholic is NOT the way to go. Can the marriage be pushed off?

I have a friend whose husband drinks too much and he also is going to cut back but still thinks he can control it. It's strange they have been married for 20 years. She is usually so strong but on this she cuts him so much slack... he is trying.

It really is all about her action.. not just saying she will cut back.

Sorry if this sounds harsh...
 
Funny you say this...The fiance is actually my DH's brother, and the relationship between the fiance and bride-to-be is just like the relationshiop you just described (and his parents), but switch the guy and gal around...Their mother is one of the strongest women I know, except when it comes to Dad and his drinking...Maybe that's why the BIL has given her some slack?? Who knows...

The wedding isn't until June of '06...Still some time to figure things out...After talking to her today, HE wants a "dry" wedding, which I think is a good idea...She about flipped a lid...

I think this is going to take awhile to play out...We'll have to wait and see what happens...
 
hi mj,
i wish i could give you some advice but hubby and i deal with the same thing with his stepfather. but many here are right, there is nothing you can do, they have to admit there is a problem and want to help themselves before you can help them. its pointless to waste energy on trying to pull someone out of the gutter when they just put themselves back there anyway. sounds rough i know but my mother did it to me as well. addiction is a hard but its like talking to a brick wall b/c they don't see a problem(as i didn't see it as a problem either until you are sleeping in a dirty gas station bathroom b/c you passed out there). all i can do is wish the best and hope she wants the help then you can be there to support her.

kassia

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be
disappointed to discover they are not it -- Bernard Bailey
 
With absolute 100% respect to you, I am not totally convinced she has an alcohol problem. She may just have imaturity issues along with not being able to say "enough is enough". When you are younger, you are a lot less experienced with social drinking because you have only been allowed to for a few years so far. The inexperience can lead to hugging the toilet and the misconception of "the hair of the dog that bit ya" syndrome. She also may not be old enough to realize that you can have fun without drinking. She may also have trouble over indulging because I think too often, (younger) people keep drinking just to maintain their "buzz" which will lead to a good night kiss with the potty!
 
MJ-

Don't worry about her. Worry about your brother. How lucky he is that he is not married yet! Talk to him. Tell him that she is definitely not ready for marriage. She needs to get herself together before she can take such a big step. IMHO, he should run, not walk, away from this woman as fast as his feet will take him.


-Nancy
 
I must disagree with Sarah / Imafitnessfreak - your future sister-in-law has a significant alcohol problem, as you have identified, Martijean. And I agree that although only the alcoholic can make the decision to go into recovery, it is up to the family members around the alcoholic to decide what they will and will not tolerate about an alcoholic's behavior.

And, this business of "cutting back" is pure denial 99% of the time. If your future SIL is sincere about wanting to confront her alcohol problem, she'll abstain entirely.

I also agree that your first obligation is to your brother - but he can't be totally blind to her behavior, so you may find yourself butting up against as hard a brick wall with him as with her.

I'm an alcoholic myself, and I damn near drank myself into deep late-stage alcoholism by the time I was just this side of 26 years old. Been completely abstinent / sober since 07/20/87. Your future SIL soounds a lot like me in an earlier life. More's the pity.

Good luck, Martijean. I don't mean to be a crepe-hanger, but alcoholic family members are a tough nut.

A-Jock
 
I have gone through this w/ 3 friends. They all had "skeletons in their closets" and turning to the alcohol made them feel like they were getting away from them. They are still gonna be there, drink or no drink, until she really talks to someone. Did this start after he proposed? Is there something she's not telling him? Maybe she was abused in some way and is afraid of his reaction? Noone knows but her why she's really turning into a lush except her and until she opens up she will continue turning to the bottle. I can honestly ,embarassingly say that in high school I drank A LOT and I mostly did it to be cool. I would only drink Southern Comfort and Jack Daniels. I wish I had never done that because at times my friends were the ones telling me the next day what I did because I had drank so much that I blacked out. I always tell myself "If only I could go back and change that time". Maybe she doesn't want to get hitched and doesn't know how to tell him? Just grasping at straws here.I really hope she gets help soon. Maybe he can go w/ her to counseling (not go in) but be her support when she comes out instead of the bottle. My dad would go to AA, get all upset and then hit "Cowboys" which used to be a bar.:(
 
She's an alcoholic all right. And I agree with Nancy, your BIL needs to run not walk away from this person. I was married to an alcoholic for 21 years and my daughter and I still suffer from emotional scars.

Problem is, if she's in denial, he may also be in denial like AJ is proposing.
 
I guess my question is, does she do this on an every day basis? Is she drinking when she's alone and on weekdays, or is it just on weekends when she's out with people or at a social event?

I don't really think anyone can say "yes, she's an alcoholic" just by reading your post. I don't think it's that simple. I do think though that all you can do at this point is support her decision to get help and see if her behavior changes. It probably IS a good thing that they are not married yet and she can hopefully get things in her life straightened out first. Then maybe they can decide what they want to do from there. I think that she should at least be given the chance to try and change her behavior around, whether it be that she is in fact an alcoholic or if she IS just a little young and immature when it comes to overindulging.

Just my 2 cents.

Katie
 
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