Found condonms in my 17 year old sons backpack (advise)

lulu68

Cathlete
Hello,

I occasionally search through my kids drawers, cars, backpacks, etc... This morning as I was checking my 17 year old sons backpack I found a box of condoms. He has been dating hs girlfriend for over a year now, but she's only 16. Should I confront him or ignore the situation...how would you handle it? Thank you!

Lulu
 

dmerz

Cathlete
My son is only 13 but I would say talk about it. At least let him know you found them and ask if he has any questions.
 

~Elsie

Cathlete
Lulu, I don't have teenagers & I hope this doesn't sound off, but isn't it normal for 16 & 17 year olds to date one another? You have clearly raised your son to be responsible and to have safe/r sex. I would feel relieved about that, I think. If it is bothering you, it might not hurt to just discuss his relationship with his gf itself rather than just the SEX (teenagers will probably not open up to you with that "intro" if you know what I mean) and see where he takes it.
Again, I am not a parent to teens although I have seen some questionable social behaviour in my teen nephews and I think your son has the safe/r sex and not getting pregnant young thing down. That's pretty significant.
 

jamie vaughn

Cathlete
I have a 17 year old son and I know he would be mortified if I said anything in circumstances like this as he is quite shy. I think he'd also be upset if he knew I was going through his belongings. Personally I would just be happy that he is responsible enough to engage in safe sex.
 

Ivy

Cathlete
I would talk with him about not just the physical issue of sex but the emotional impact it can have on two people if they aren't ready to be in that type of relationship. Extremely strong emotions can develop not just from his point of view but from the young lady as well, things can get complicated.
 

RapidBreath

Cathlete
Definitely talk to him about the emotional side. That sex can lead to babies and that having a baby in your late twenties is ideal biologically, but financially is best after he has his first degree. That the age of the father is just as important as the mother. That if ever wants to be a dad, that taking care of himself physically (avoiding drugs!) is really important. I know it seems like this is too early for that level of talk, but if he is armed with information he can make decisions about his life, instead of just reacting.

Even though you might have had this talk several times before, kids need repetition to learn their lessons, and I can't imagine a more important lesson than this one!

Talk about the fact that a lot of diseases (like herpes and hep C) are still communicable through saliva. There is a vaccine for hep A/B, but he might have had that vaccination already. Also, he needs to get tested on a regular basis because anyone can be a carrier without having any symptoms of many STDs.

Talk to him about the different kinds of rape (not implying he is a rapist! ), such as a sex partner being under the influence or incapacitated in any way is a type of rape (lots of people don't understand that), talk to him about how porn hurts women and girls, talk to him about how taking sexy pictures can hurt women and girls and that as a good guy he has the opportunity to respect women and girls in a unique and important way. He can set the tenor for how women and girls feel about themselves for the rest of their lives by giving them love and respect, even if they suggest something that seems like fun but can hurt them in the end. A good guy can make a big difference in this world! Also explain that coercion is a kind of rape, that you don't have to hold someone down in order for it to be rape, saying that you will fire them if they don't have sex with you, and then having sex, is rape (and civilly actionable and immoral!). And, explain that guys can get raped too and that he doesn't have to have any sexual activity to be cool or popular, that he has the right to pump the breaks. (Maybe a different phrase, these kids don't pump brakes anymore )

It's ok to talk to him about the physical side, like women aren't ready for intercourse until they are wet. Yeah, I know that is a delicate subject. And, he will be grossed out. But, porn mostly shows dry women in little more than rape style intercourse. Even though she says, "oh yeah!" Doesn't mean she is ready.
 
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loneswaneast

Cathlete
When I was 17, and even if I am a female, I would have been mortified to discuss sex with my mother. I think this requires very careful thought before any confrontation.
I'm with Elsie. He is obviously demonstrating responsibility and may even simply be hopefully prepared. He's a young man. He wants to experience sex. It's normal. It's healthy. And, he is being responsible by being prepared.
 

Stacy

Cathlete
I definitely wouldn't start the conversation that you found the condoms while searching his backpack. I would think he'd be so upset that you were violating his privacy and searching through his things that anything you said after that would fall on deaf ears. He may have a trust issue with you from thereafter. I think you need to find a time when it's just you and him, or possibly have his dad have the talk if that's a possibility. I think bringing things up as if it's someone else's kid transfers the "responsibility" to someone else such as "I read a story about how STD's are on the rise" or something similar, or asking him what they teach these days in school as far as sex education goes to open up the discussion. Or simply stating the obvious, "you and your girlfriend have been together for awhile now and it's natural for your relationship to go to the next level" and then just state some facts about STD's and the emotional aspects or even say it's okay to wait. Nothing judgmental, just the facts and say if he ever has any questions you'd be happy to answer anything. You could even say you don't even want to know if he's having sex that it's "his business" all you want to do is provide information. I wouldn't ask him directly if he's having sex or even mention you found the condoms. Let us know how things go!
 
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PhyllisG

Cathlete
I never searched my kids personal belongings when they were teenagers. I remember my mother doing that.....reading my diary, freaking out and getting everything wrong. I also remember my Dad defending me.
I have 2 adult sons. When they were teenagers and I suspected they were sexually active I spoke to them. I told them they could get into serious legal trouble if the girl was under a certain age even if it was consensual. I talked about possibly having a child and it would their responsibility as well as the girls.....for the rest of their lives. It would not be something they could walk away from. I think that made the most impact.
I didn't get into the emotional aspects of sex just the practicality of what the results could be. I thought that would impress hem the most and I think it did.
 

desertambrosia

Cathlete
I never searched my kids personal belongings when they were teenagers. I remember my mother doing that.....reading my diary, freaking out and getting everything wrong. I also remember my Dad defending me.
I have 2 adult sons. When they were teenagers and I suspected they were sexually active I spoke to them. I told them they could get into serious legal trouble if the girl was under a certain age even if it was consensual. I talked about possibly having a child and it would their responsibility as well as the girls.....for the rest of their lives. It would not be something they could walk away from. I think that made the most impact.
I didn't get into the emotional aspects of sex just the practicality of what the results could be. I thought that would impress hem the most and I think it did.
This! Exactly what I told my sons.
 

Mariposa1973

Cathlete
I have 20 years old son, and when he was 16 I find condoms in his room, so I went to cvs and I buy a box and when he came from the school
I said, I have some chocolates for you, so he run to his room and he ask were so I said in the draw when he saw it, he said this is not chocolates, I said I know, but I want you to talk to me when you need it or something about it, was a open door to him to talk about everything with me until now, he is very open more with me at his father. So is good to let him know . Good luck.
 

lsearlv

Member
Hello,

I occasionally search through my kids drawers, cars, backpacks, etc... This morning as I was checking my 17 year old sons backpack I found a box of condoms. He has been dating hs girlfriend for over a year now, but she's only 16. Should I confront him or ignore the situation...how would you handle it? Thank you!

Lulu
Be very happy he is wise enough to use protection.
I’m a Mom of 4 boys who are in their early 20s. Sex happens- but safe and loving, not always.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 

tslop49

Cathlete
Not to be morbid, but please check your state statutory rape standards. Many teens have faced serious penalties causing lifetime problems because parents, upset about a daughters sexual involvement with an older teen, bring charges. I have an attorney son that knows of many such cases where the boy is labeled a sexual predator unjustly! Please check Those state statutes!
 

Repo

Cathlete
Look up Pam Stensil on youtube. Watch the video see what you think and then have your son watch it if you are comfortable with it.
 

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