For Those With Food Issues - What Can We Do For Our Gir...

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sparrow

Cathlete
Hi Ladies,

Been thinking alot these few days about the number of us dealing with food issues. As I think Singing Goddess said, it's so tiring to always be worried about food. Frankly I feel like I will never be cured, and the best I can do is manage it, rejoice in the good days and know, on the bad days, that this too shall pass. The question on my mind though is what can we do (or what do you already do?) to make sure these issues are not passed on to the little girls in our lives? I know that I am careful what I say in front of my 6 year old niece. She's very slender and active, loves to work out with me and talks about having muscles some day :) I try to emphasize that I exercise to be strong and healthy (rather than thin). She also loves food, like her auntie, so I'm doing my best to talk about that as a positive thing, because I think alot of women still have remnants of the Victorian attitude that a women with strong appetites should be ashamed of herself. Still, despite my efforts and the fact that her mom is also careful to protect her from the cult of female perfection, she still has said things like 'I don't want to be fat!' Where does that come from, at 6, you know?

What does everyone else do?

Sparrow


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Sparrow,
I am terrified for my 3 girls. I have a 7,5 and 3 year old and I try to be so careful about what I say to them about appearance and how I feel about my body. It is really hard. They already want to look like baribe and belle and all of the skinny princesses they see on t.v. I think one thing is we have to be careful what we expose them too. Television plays a huge role in how girls feel about themselves. I have heard my girls say several times that they are so happy that there mommy is pretty and not fat like some other mommys. It breaks my heart, but I totally understand it. My 7 year old already says that people at her school don't like the fat girls. How horrible to hear that, but also how realistic. I really feel lateley that I have to get myself healthy with my own body image to pass on to my daughters. How do I make that happen? I really think the moms play a huge part in this unhealthy pattern that our children get into. I don't know one woman is happy with herself and doesn't have food issues. If anyone has words of wisdom on this topic, please speak up now. I would love to hear some input on this. Great topic Sparrow.

Susan
 
I agree with Susan's comment about TV, and wanted to add that keeping your girls away from teen and women's magazines can help. Studies have shown that just 3 minutes (!!!) of exposure to a fashion magazine significantly lowers women's (and teens') self-esteem and body image. In fact, given those findings, maybe all of us should avoid that section of the magazine rack!
 
Sparrow...no matter how much you try to protect your family at home...you can't stop what the other girls/boys say when they are in school or church or any other social setting with kids their age. My own kids will come home and either tell me stuff another kid said or repeat something that came out of another kids mouth and you just shake your head. Yes, there are girls in the kindergarten class who talk about their weight. Yes, their are kindergarten boys who will tease the girls and tell them they are fat or they have big butts. Where are these kids hearing these things...from their parents/brother's/sister's/stepfather's/stepmother's...TELEVISION.

But...I strongly beleive that it all begins in the home. My kids have been raised to have a positive self image. I don't talk about my weight, we don't have a scale in the house, I don't make body issue comments...like does my butt look big in these pants...that type of thing. My kids understand that I like to work out to stay in shape, to stay active. They also are aware that I NEED to workout because of an injury I suffered in a car accident. And they know their father has a history of heart disease in his family and he has bad cholesterol and has finally taken his health seriously and is working out and eating much better.

My point being...my kids see exercise as a means to good health...not a means to be skinny like a runway model. I cook healthy meals at home and do not buy processed foods other than frozen vegetables/fruits and ice cream. I cook meals that are good for our hearts and really limit their access to sweets...sweets other than fruits and what occurs naturally in foods. We always encourage them to eat until they are full and then STOP. We eat meals together, at the table. Not in the livingroom or with a television going. Food is to be enjoyed and eating a meal with your family and friends is something to enjoy...not cramming a bowl of Lucky Charms down the kid and shoving them out the door to catch the bus.

Now, just because this is how they are being raised doesn't guarantee they will be healthy, problem free adults. But hopefully they will leave home one day with a solid foundation and live healthy, active, productive lives.
 
If you like to read books, I'd suggest:
Susan Kano's "Making Peace with Food" -- it has suggestions for the person with food issues and for people who are concerned about the issue for others. Gives suggestions on how to modify our beliefs and conversations about food, weight and body image.

"Raising Orphelia" on the importance of raising girls with healthy self-image.

These books have been around for a long while ... there may be newer books on these topics also. Deb
 
Hi, thanks for bringing up this subject. I'm so passionate about it and am trying to actually create a way to bring it more into my life professionally.

I'll agree with other posters, so much of the influence comes from media. And, what can you do? Stop subcribing to those mags. Turn off the tv. Write letters. Seriously, you might think "will my letter count?", but it sure as heck won't if you don't write it to tv networks, senators, etc. etc. And, the least it can do is lift your own spirit for using your voice!

Still, I say, mothers and fathers (and other family members) should focus on what a person can do. Be thankful you've got legs to move you across Earth. Get moving to condition your body to live more fully in a more compelling life other than fitting some "media mold". How are you ever going to hike across the Grand Canyon if you can't finish a video!?

So, I think when girls and boys bring home those messages, be gentle with your response in why Sally Sue said Mary Muffet had a big booty. Maybe Sally Sue's confused and needs to know that's mean and can hurt badly -- it's not funny or cool. And, if you want more advice on this check out the site www.edin-ga.org. Scroll around and you'll find advice on "zero tolerance" on degrading talk in the home. Very important. Zero tolerance.

I'm passionate about this b/c I dealt with it as a child (teasing from my brother, dieting mindset from every woman in my fam), but I'm learning there's so much more than what you look like. Conforming is not key.

And, that leads me to Naomi Wolf's recent NYT article. She was actually interviewed on Oprah yesterday regarding this very topic of conforming and girls' promiscuity, etc. It all folds into the same idea of self respect:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/12/b...0498b9aa6e3d80&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

And, one more thing (I have a feeling I could keep saying this!), as far as exercise, I teach aerobics and take classes and try to carry the following ideas into my classes: Exercise can have such a negative connotation or teach little ones that exercise is a chore. There are so many wise women on this board, and I have faith that so many of you set "healthy" examples of exercise: To be strong, to feel good, to release stress, to enjoy the movement, etc. Let's keep focusing on those things.

Let's step away from the "calorie burning" talk and "melting fat"...Little ones need the reinforcement that movement is meant to be! We weren't originally planted with computers and blackberries and XBoxes. Let's move, use music to move our bodies and enjoy the lightness of life!

Cheers!
 
'"Raising Orphelia" on the importance of raising girls with healthy self-image.'

It's actually "Reviving Ophelia".:)
 
I've heard my niece say that she is fat sometimes. But it doesn't go very deep with her (so far). She is too busy with her squash tournaments, ice skating competitions, tennis lessons, etc etc. My brother and SIL encourage her to try new things and pursue things she's good at. So, in the long run, her identity comes from so many different places, her body image is just one factor. When I was 13, looks were all a girl had. The pretty girls were lucky, and the rest of us sulked. Nowadays, girls can be so many different things. Looks still seem to count, but not quite as much. I wish I had all the opportunities my niece has today. These days, a girl is so much more than just decorative. Thank goodness.
-Nancy
 
Great topic! I am a clinical psychologist in Alabama who specializes in eating disorders, and therefore have strong opinions that echo the statements of others around here. Yes, your children are exposed to so much more than just your messages, but at a young age in particular, parental influence is stronger than peers/television (this does not last, so take advantage while you can!). You can model healthy attitudes by NEVER talking about your body negatively if you can help it, and if you slip and criticize, recover by saying things like "well, no ones perfect, thank goodness there are so many other qualities that are more important than how we look!". NEVER criticize other women's bodies - not thin or fat, comment on inner qualities in other people, in yourself, and in your girls. Model "healthy" eating, meaning a variety of foods including occasional indulgences, eating when hungry, stopping when full, no binging, purging, restricting, etc.

Media literacy is another way we help our girls. Get informed about how unrealistic it is, how the photos in mags are doctored and by all means share this with your girls. They need to know its not reality. Whose gonna tell 'em? You.

Finally, I think we must react when we hear our daughters judging others. We have to ask them questions related to how they'd feel if someone said it about them (maybe we remember a time when that happened to them - remind them how they felt), we have to gently question their decision to judge and ask them if they really believe that thin people are better than others, to get them thinking about whether they like themselves when they judge others. I'm not advocating creating excessive guilt here, but a question here and there designed to get them thinking and yes, maybe to activate their conscience.

Have I said enough yet, I could go on forever!
 
Future Fitness Dynamo

Future Fitness Dynamo -- I would like to ask you a few questions about your professional path if you don't mind -- I will send try to send you a PM...

Thanks!
 
RE: Future Fitness Dynamo

Great responses, ladies!

Reviving Ophelia is a great book :)

Hats off to those of you practicing what you preach in the home. I'm only an aunt so don't have to deal with it on a 24/7 basis. Happily, my sister is in good health and has no food hangups and so my niece doesn't live in an atmosphere of diet concerns. Still, the media is a tough one to fight. It's so pervasive. I would imagine that the moms here find themselves having to constantly negate those unrealistic images of women. I don't even get any fitness magazines anymore because I think those images can be just as unrealistic and discouraging to me as a fashion magazine where all the models are a size 0. It's really important to me to have a healthy mindset myself, so I can guide my niece successfully.

Newswoman, I totally agree about teaching our kids that bodies are supposed to move and dance and run and skip! That's what I try to get across, along with being healthy.

You know, I can remember as a little girl (8,9) being so embarrassed that I liked to eat. I wasn't overweight in the least - too active - but I loved food and while my family couldn't have cared less, so many other people commented on it, like it was some sort of failing on a little girl's part, to enjoy food. Thankfully those days are gone. Now I just announce to people, "I like to eat!" and load up my plate :7

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
RE: Future Fitness Dynamo

I worry all the time my two girls will end up like me and it scares me to death all the time, but one thing I do is to make sure I am here for them emotionally and things and they can talk to me and discuss issues in their lives with school and friends, I think an open line of comunication is a great thing and helping them deal with stress in their lives. I also make sure they know how beautiful they are inside and out and we are great friends as well as me being their mother, I try not to make food always an issue in our lives, it is there and I never push them to eat or starve, my girls so far are very strong young women and very confident in themselves as I was never that in my life.
They also know what a terrible life I had when I was very young and that fueled my eating disorder and they understand that.
 
This subject is so near and dear to me because I have a daughter who is now dealing with bullimia. She is 18.

I lost a GREAT deal of weight when she was middle-school age; I am now at a normal weight. I exercise regularly and eat fairly clean. My daughter sailed through the remainder of her childhood and teen years without developing any weight problem, and I thought I had been successful at conquering my own morbid obesity without passing it on to her. I felt pretty good about it!

Within the past 6 months she began this bullimic activity after going away briefly to college. She denys having the problem, but she definitely binges and does not quite hide the evidence of her purges. I feel the denial is part of the disease.

Recently I caught her in a receptive mood and I offered her counseling and/or family counseling if she wishes. She didn't rule it out, but she's not very interested. I'm hopeful, however, that she will agree to it eventually.

Having lost a huge amount of weight, nothing terrified me more than the thought of gaining it back. Truly, I would almost rather die. And she must have seen that! I thought I was showing her how to control her health -- and weight -- by eating smart and regular exercise. What I actually taught her was that the worst thing imaginable is to be fat.

And here I thought I was being a good loving parent!

I don't know how to fix it. But if you are afraid, I'm here to tell you, there is reason to be.

I hope you do better than I did.
 
Little Angel,

I want to stress to you that you did not cause her eating disorder. The factors bringing about eating disorders are so complex that there is not one thing that causes them. I know there's an easy tendency to look back and wonder what you could have done differently, and maybe there are things you could have, but she still might have developed the problem (there is growing evidence of a genetic component to eating disorders, and the transition to college is often a tricky time - both factors that are not your or anyone else's fault). And we have to have sympathy for each other as mothers who have also grown up in this society that pressures women. We are not perfect, and we are all doing our best to maneuver through it. We are all sometimes going to criticize our bodies in front of our daughters, it unfortunately comes as second nature sometimes. I sincerely hope that the growing awareness of this problematic pressure is somewhere down the line going to translate into real societal changes, and I do think women have to take charge of that and commit to evaluating ourselves and others by non-body related rulers. But its hard to change, we've heard it since we were little girls and no one knows when they are that young how all this is going to affect them later.

Wow, I have a lot to say about this issue!
 
Thank you. The occupational hazard of being a mom is that one lives with perpetual guilt no matter what, but you are absolutely right. Intellectually I know that! My heart isn't quite there yet, though.

Thanks for taking the time to reply!
 
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