Feeling Used

janiejoey

janiejoey

Cathlete
Hi Everyone,

I've been volunteering for the elderly for 5 years. And I've been feeling used for the past year and a half. I clean their house by mopping, vacuuming, dusting, take them to the doctors or pay their bills, go shopping for them. This was for 5 ladies at least once or twice a week. But then when the family visits and I'm there to help, it feels awkward. I ask if I should go and the family say that she really does need her floors done. In my mind, I ask "Why don't you get up and do this for her and I can go to someone else's home where another person could use my help"? Then after I do their floors I go on to the next person. And again her family is there while I do shopping for her. Doesn't make any since to me. We scheduled these things so that they can use my assistance and still be independent. But why should I do these things if the family is there?

So I quit, and told the "Catholic Community Services" (these are the people that get help for the elderly) this. They said that they have a lot of complaints about the family's being there while the volunteers work their butts off.

I just feel so darned used. I even gave up my kiln to help a couple to prosper in their business, only to find out that they sold it. ($Hit). I want to do good for others, and perhaps after I pass to another place this would help me get to a grander place (just a thought). Also I wanted to help others cause it made me feel good about myself and be able to sleep at nights.

I'm so frustrated. I won't do this again. I'm sorry it took me so darn long to finely wake up to my senses and quit wasting my time on people.

There were only two people I feel I helped in those 5 years. Mary who had cancer. I would drive her to chemo and radiation treatments, because she would get so nauseated from the treatments, she couldn't drive herself home. Another one Margie, where there was no family around and she depended on my husband and me to help her through the week. We got so close that my DH and I have her cremated remains in our yard, just where she wanted to be, over looking the mountains and not alone with strangers.

Gosh darn it, I feel so used. I quit about 2 weeks ago, and have much more time to play around with workouts. And I'm not so busy as I was. I can live with that. Shoot, wished I had some of my waisted time back, and I'm angry. Hope the anger will go away soon. I'm mostly angry at myself for being so gallable. This does make me a little more tough skinned, I'm not sure if that is good or bad. 56 years old and still learning. I guess you never stop learning.

I needed to vent, thanks for listening.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey

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Please don't feel like you wasted your time. You did help these people in ways that others (even their own family members) were not willing to do. Sounds like you just reached your burnout point. Take some time for your self, but don't dwell on lost time, but it was not lost. I'm sure the elderly that you helped were glad you were there even if they have never showed it.

Jean
 
Hey, Janie! You're so right -- the learning never stops! And I just wanted to say, every bit of that work you did mattered, and meant something to the people you helped, I'm sure. And I also think it's fine to recognize when it's time to move on. It's always clear from your posts that you are a very giving person, and you've inspired me more than once. I hope you enjoy figuring out how you'd like to structure things, now that you're gaining some new free time!

Allison
 
I agree with Jean about not feeling like you wasted your time. Also think about what it is like for the people you helped to have such selfish family members!!! You did a wonderful thing. You made a difference to those people.

That said, your posts is one of the reasons I devote my time to helping ANIMALS. They are ALWAYS appreciative and grateful. I have volunteered in animal rescue for ten years and, while I see the lowest a human can go (abusing an animal), I also see time and time again the beauty and preciousness of animals. They love unconditionally, are loyal, forgiving, and pure of heart. They appreciate any kindness shown to them.
 
Oh! You sound so dear. Don't feel like you were just being used. You were used to show something and help someone who truly needed YOU! Even if the FAMILY doesn't show it the person needed YOU!

There are not many people that would step in like you did and God Bless you for that!

Mary
 
Please don't feel that it was wasted time! You were doing a great thing! The family members probably didn't appreciate you but I am sure they will once they miss you. Also the person or people you were helping will appreciate the time and effort you put into volunteering. In college, I worked as a home health aide and I know what you mean about the families. Sometimes it seemed that they thought I was mothers maid not her home health aide. Anyway, don't feel bad about your time spent. You have made a difference in someone's life for the better.
LD
 
Jean, I do believe I was suppose to be there. But for the life of me I don't know why. Time will tell. I do hope that there is more that I did for these ladies than I can see. I think you are right about being burnt out. Thanks for your input, it helps a lot. I'll concentrate on me for a little while.

Lorie, "That said, your posts is one of the reasons I devote my time to helping ANIMALS." That makes me feel so good. Thank you for that. I do love animals too. Perhaps doing some good for them will help me feel better. We'll see.

Allison, "It's always clear from your posts that you are a very giving person, and you've inspired me more than once." What a wonderful thing to say. Thank you. I'm thinking I would really like to concentrate on getting my body in it's tip top shape. It will be a great goal for me.

Mary, I suppose I was there for someone to help. Wish I could know what I did. But I hear ya. I believe that also. You are so sweet for reminding me. You are right, it is time to move on.

LD, Thank you for your kind words. It truly makes me feel better. Are you still working with "home health aide"?

I appreciate you all for sharing with me another way to look at this. You melt my heart.

Janie

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey

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janie,

plz don't feel so bad. some ppl (ie in this case the families of the ppl you were helping) just take advantage of kindness. they probably also think its "your job". maybe there should be some policy changes. YOU shuldn't have to listen to the families, its up the person you are helping. i don't get it really. some families act like they don't hve the time to help out,but certainly have time to open their big mouth.

i don't think your time was wasted and this obviously has been an issue with others. its a shame that ppl can't keep their comments to themselves and just let ppl help. afterall they donate their time,but know you didn't do it for them,you did it for those that truly needed help b/c others weren't willing too.

nothing you ever did was wasted, i wish some more ppl in this world would take an exampled from you and the others that are a part of this and maybe start volunterring themselves.

best wishes and love

kassia

http://www.picturetrail.com/ldy_solana

"And do what thee wilt as long as ye harm none"

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Janie,

Please don't feel used. You gave those people your all and I'm sure on some level they appreciated it. I know where you are coming from though. For a couple of years I volunteered to teach people to read. I worked with one man for over 3 years and then he just stopped coming. He never called me to formally quit. I would just show up at the library and wait for him but he never showed. I went there twice, called him and finally just gave up. I figured I deserved at least a phone call. We had a good relationship and shared so much in those 3 years but you can't control how people react.

I always keep this one saying close by "Invest in Everything, attach to nothing". For me it's about giving all of yourself but expecting nothing in return. In essence it's allows you to give fully of yourself but having no expectations. That way you don't get hurt. I try to live by this every single day and sometimes it hard but sometimes it works too.

Please know that no time is ever wasted. You have no idea how you may have touched the lives of the people that you cared for or their families. Take time for yourself and reflect upon the positive areas of your life. You truly are a special person.
 
please don't feel angry... try to remember the two people who you feel good about. I think it's wonderful that you volunteered to help these people at all. So many wouldn't. That says alot about your good character!:)
 
You are just wonderful! You gave something very precious to these people---your time! You did a fantastic job and should be proud of yourself!
Ellen
 
I'm usually a very positive person. With all your positive and wonderful to hear remarks, I'm feeling much better about the situation. I new I could vent here and get help with my dilemma. Seeing it in a new light has been refreshing. Thank you all so very much. As with anything in life changes are bound to happen and we move on.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey

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{{{{{Janie}}}}}
I didn't post earlier, because I didn't know what to say. In fact, I'm still not sure what to say.

I don't have a very optimistic view of humans most times, and am often disgusted by the way people seem to be more and more selfish and lack common courtesy (which should probably be called something else nowdays, because it's becomiing more and more rare).

I can only say, don't let these people have power over you by making you feel bad. What you were doing was good, and you went into it with all good intentions, don't let the selfish and thoughtless family members of those you tried to help distort what you did. It's a shame that less generous people take such advantage of the generosity of others.

You may never see the positive results of what you have done for these people over the past 5 years, but I have no doubt you brought some joy and comfort into the lives of those you helped.
 
Kathryn,

Your words of wisdom are always welcome. You are right, I'll never see the positive results of what I've done. It did make me feel real good about myself. I guess that's all that really matters.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey

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