favoring one child over the other

[laura35]

hi,
What do you do if you feel like someone in your family favors one of your sons over the other? My oldest son is really athletic and mature for his age and my other son is 2yrs younger but is bigger,well taller and is whiney and not into sports or doesnt pay much attention to what is being showed when he is in sports. My younger son is also the middle child. My brother thinks he whines because he is the middle child and the older brother is the superstar and his sister is the baby girl and that my son acts this way for attention. I give him one on one attention,praise him when he has done something that he feels proud of. He is a momma's boy but he does act melodramatic alot and then I feel that makes him less favored over my older boy who is quite and well behaved. I dont want my younger son overlooked. This makes me mad because I have seen it done to my brother over my younger brother. It has really affected my one brother bad and I dont want the same to happen with my boy. I have talked and brought this up in conversation and well, its my DH and he says I am imagining things . Both my boys are on soccer teams and I told him that if they have games at the same time that I know he will go with my older son and me with the younger,which I dont mind but It because my older son is the athletic one and makes my DH proud,my younger son isnt noticed at sports like his brother but my DH said well he is more of a momma's boy. I told him He is still your son too. My DH said that he gets on his nerves with all his whining and how he acts. Plus my DH aggervates him alot to get him whining. I dont think he is aware and I dont know how to help him see it.Please help!!

 

[dlavie]

Sounds like the younger one could be steered into an activity that doesn't get overshadowed by the older. My two kids are totally different and into to different things.

Sounds like DH needs to grow up a little and not live his life through his son. This is the kind of stuff that rips families apart.

 

[sahara]

I agree with Dave. If he is not into sports, he shouldn't be forced to do them to keep up with his brother. You can't do anything to change your husband so I just suggest finding out what your younger son likes to do and get him involved in that. His father will come around eventually. It might not be until your son is 40 but, you can't waste this time trying to make him measure up to his father's expectations. It will do more harm than good.

Tracey
"Do or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
"Where there's a will, there's a way."

 

[laura35]

thanks, I am not trying to make him measure up to his fathers expectations, I just dont want him feeling less than worthy. Plus I failed to mention that when he is in sports its because he wanted to sign up for them but he still doesnt pay attention when he is being showed something but I think that is just because he is all boy an likes to goof off alot. I would never force him into doing anything he doesnt want to do and I wouldnt let my DH make him either. Let me tell you, I am not a person that would just stand by and let someone treat my child wrongly. I just dont think my DH is aware of it and when I try to talk to him about it he thinks I am fool of it. My DH was an only child and actually itneracts with his children better than I thought he would but I still feel that he favors the older boy more because of how athletic he is . Plus like I ssaid my younger boy whines alot and my DH gets annoyed by it and I do myself sometimes. I have tried to talk with my son and he says he doesnt know why he does that. anyway,thanks forthe advice.

 

[dorothyrd]

Kids personalities are different. Your younger boy needs to find something that makes him happy. Sounds like being carted around to his older brother's activities, and having to participate in that is not making him happy. It is hard to have kids in different activities, but it can be beneficial. It does not necessarily have to be sports either. Today's society places such emphasis on sports, it is hard to be a good who has other interests besides athletics.
Maybe find something non-athletic that your DH and younger boy can do together that would be enjoyable.

 

[four_boy_mom]

Laura,

I could have written your post exactly, except #2son is the super athletic, mature straight A student golden child while #1son is the average athlete, immature and gets poor grades.
DH gives golden child lots of positive reinforcement (because honestly he is a great hard working kid) but DH can't seem to find alot to compliment non golden child on ( gee son you raised you F in math to a D--Congratulations! Let's go out and celebrate your D!)
It's not easy. My main concern is as you mentioned-- non golden child having a sense of less worth. Dad doesn't give me as much love and attention as my brother because I'm not worth it.
Atleast my DH recognizes this is happening, but he seems unable to change it. It helps a little when I tell DH non golden child deserves his UNCONDITIONAL love for no other reason than he's DH's son. You have to love the less hard working underachiever as much as the easy straight A child.
DH and non golden child have a ski trip planned in a couple of weeks. I hope this will reconnect them.
But the question remains... How do you deal with glaring relationship dicrepensies in the family? Any books or advice on handling the situation from someone who's been there and was succesful in restoring balance would be great.
And Laura, thanks for bringing this up.

 

[TeTe]

Laura,

A friend of mine had a similar issue with her husband. It was her daughter who didn't quite come up to his standards. Her grades weren't good enough, he didn't really make an effort to praise her when she did well or to spend time with he, she got on his nerves. She even told my friend one day, "I don't think daddy likes me."

My friend went to her husband and told him that he needed to remember how important it was for a child to feel like they're getting their parents' approval. She said, point blank, "You know, one day she is going to go looking for that approval and that love, and if she doesn't get it from you, she will take it from anybody that offers it."

It didn't take long for her husband to start making an effort to get to know his daughter and to try really hard to accept a few things about her...and, actually, her behavior improved quite a bit. Maybe your son whines because it is the only thing that gets him attention, even though it's not necessarily good attention.

Good luck to you and your family.

 

[bknshape]

Our family is quite the same, two boys, one girl. In our family, my DH takes the kids to all their sport events, that way if one of the others doesn't want to go I stay home with them. When we have two events at the same time he'll take my younger son and I take the older one simply because my older son has had more opportunities with dad because he has been in sports longer. Many times we even ask our kids who they would like to take them. I know you "don't mind" taking your younger son but if you asked him, he may want his dad to go. Your DH should then look at this as a great opportunity to spend one-on-one time with his son. Both our younger kids whined for a time but the bottom line on this one is they are looking for attention. We do not tolerate whiners in our house anymore. We give them attention when they come to us with a clear voice. I think my middle son has it made! He can easily play with his big brother and his friends or with his little sister and her friends (its not so easy for my oldest and youngest). Always remember, when you start to lable kids "athletic", "whiner", "mommas boy" it make it real easy to treat them that way. Whoever said parenting was easy!

Good Luck!

 

[6Swans4me]

Hi Laura,

It sounds like there are a lot of different issues going on here.

First, I love this story I once heard. Each child asked their mother who she loved the best. She answered how she loved this particular child the best and why. But, then she continued by saying how she loved the other child the best and gave her reason. She did this for all her children. I think this is true for me too. I love each of my children the best for different reasons. Yeah, one might have a weakness where the other one has a particular strength, but they are all individuals. Hopefully, I am parenting them in a way that helps them each individually to grow and mature into a loving, self-controlled adult. What works for one child will not always work for my other child, but my goal to raise them up with good character remains the same.

Secondly, I have one who struggles with whinning. This child isn't loved less and excells in most tasks. I remind this child that when we complain we are focusing too much on ourselves and not the accomplishments of ourselves and others or being thankful. This child also needed to be taught that life is NOT fair and the world does not revolve around one person. Since we are Christians, I would remind this child about people from the Bible. For example, I would ask this child about Joesph. Did Joesph complain when he was thrown into jail for something he didn't do? What did he do instead? Feelings are feelings. How they react or act, and what they chose to think about can be changed.

Also with whinning, I've heard of some people tape recording their child doing it and playing it back for them to hear. Often, children don't realize how awful they sound in the midst of their emotions.

Next, as a mother of identical twins, I try to nurture each child's inherent gifts and interests. I allow them to choose which interest to pursue. However, there are times when there aren't any options; schoolwork for instance. The way I look at it is that they are not the same person. They are not competing against each other. They are striving for their personal best. When there is competition, there is always a loser. When one succeeds, the other should be joyful for her and not focusing on their perceived failure. This should not puff up the other one. Quite the opposite should be taught. She should be compelled to have empathy for her sister and not take too much pride in herself.

I try to tell my children that they know their siblings better than anyone else. They know their strengths and weaknesses the best. It is their duty to love one another and build on their sibling's strengths and help them when they are weak. If they can't love the people God has put together as a family, they shouldn't be trying to love and befriend people outside their family.

Lastly, your dh might feel that he is being loving by parenting the way he is parenting. Maybe, you both can discuss and agree on a game plan on how to deal with the whinning and any other parenting issues for the future.

Blessings