family drama creates moral dilemma - HELP!

[Carol_is_fit]

It sounds like you've drawn more than one line in the past. Now is the time to stand behind them. You aren't doing her any good by not forcing her to grow up, learn how to take care of her own finances, and become a responsible contributing member of society. I have both a brother and a sister with similar stories. I stopped enabling both a long time ago. My husband and daughter were at risk and I had to put them first. For your own peace of mind and your own safety, please cut her off now. It hurts like crazy to watch someone you love go through this, but she's made choices along the way that have led her to where she is. She will never learn to make better choices until the free ride is over.

Carol

 

[dbelden1]

Thanks Carol and Debbie for sharing it helps to know that I am not alone (not that I thought that I was the only one dealing with this situation) but having the affirmation that I AM doing the right thing and have acknowledged the enabling side of my own self, (as I am the peacekeeper of the family) it is a struggle that I will, with the help of my wonderful DH and my Cathe buddies, continue to prevail over!

 

[pink_fortitude]

Dani,
First of all, my heart goes out to you because I know how painful it can be when a person you love lives a destructive life.

My situation is a bit different than yours but maybe my story can help you "stick to your guns."

My 20-year old son is an addict. He, too, struggled after his father left the family when he was only 7. It wasn't the divorce that hurt my son, it was the fact that his father lost interest in him afterward.

I remarried a man that took my son under his wing and was an incredible stepfather to him but nonetheless, it didn't fill the void. My son started down a drug path junior year of high school, dropping out as your sister did, just a couple of months before graduation.

I had him in therapy when he was younger and all sorts of evaluations as he got older when it was obvious that he was really struggling.

What started with marijuana had become a full-blown heroine addiction by age 18. I spent the next year of his life, continuing to help and seek out the best care, etc. He had off and on jobs and I paid his car insurance when he was out of work, doctor bills, etc.

I did everything I could to keep him safe, even after he started stealing from us. I just thought I had to work harder to help him and I did everything humanly possible.

I didn't know it at the time - I had become his enabler.

I am telling you all of this because, until I stopped helping him, his behavior never changed. I have small children in my home and I could no longer help him at their expense. I evicted him from my home and gave him nothing but a meal here and there.

Sounds harsh, yes. But a recovering addict told me that I was not helping my son. By continuing to enable him I was "keeping him from feeling the pain he needed to feel to get help." Boy - that hit me like a ton of bricks.

So Dani, as hard as it was to say no, and believe me - I know that was hard on you. You did the right thing. Yes, she may end up homeless like my son did and she may get angry at you and cry to you and do whatever she needs to break you down to give her that help. Stay strong. It is what is best for her.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you!!! That could be the story between my uncle and my grandpa - only my grandpa kept giving DU money and made sure he always had a roof over his head and a car no matter how many time DU went to jail or got into accidents or got evicted... until one day my DU overdosed on cocaine at the age of 35. You did the right thing!!! All the advice that DG got from the police and from other councilors was to let him fall, let him hit rock bottom, but DG couldn't do it. Now he lives with a constant guilt that he sent DU to his grave and caused the very thing he wanted to prevent. I am sending you so many hugs for standing strong and doing what needed to be done. Your son will thank you in the end.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Missy

 

[Worknprogress]

Thanks for your compassion Missy. It's not a story I share with many because when it's in your family, you feel shame. But I could relate to Dani in so many ways that I just felt I should contribute.

I am so sorry to hear about your DU and my heart breaks for your Grandpa. I hope I never have to bury my son because of an overdose but I will always worry to the day I die. Hearing that story though, helps me keep strong.

 

[jgarr44460]

I have another story I would like to share and hope you continue to stick to your guns. I have a brother (53) who has had his 5th , yes 5th DWI. Been in and out of rehab and jail many times. I was asked to help him over the years after our parents passed and did for a time. He moved in when my children were younger and we had to ask him to move out. Too many women, not a good influence on the kids. He has borrowed money and does not pay it back. He can't hold a job, pay his bills or keep a relationship. He has stolen money and jewelry (sp?)from family and girlfriends. The "straw" for me was when I received a phone call from a guy he met in jail asking me to go see my brother. I didn't even know he was in jail let alone giving my phone number out to inmates. Jeez. I have written him off - harsh maybe but I had to do what was best for my family. I have been told that al anon would be a good place to get the perspective I needed to stick to my guns. Something to think about. I do worry about him but I can't enable him and don't feel you should your sister. Just my 2 cents. Good luck to you - I know this is very hard to do.

 

[dbelden1]

Thanks for your compassion Missy. It's not a story I share with many because when it's in your family, you feel shame. But I could relate to Dani in so many ways that I just felt I should contribute.

I am so sorry to hear about your DU and my heart breaks for your Grandpa. I hope I never have to bury my son because of an overdose but I will always worry to the day I die. Hearing that story though, helps me keep strong.

I too was a little anxious and hesitant to post my situation here, but sometimes trying to explain the situation to people who have NO idea about your specific situation makes you think even harder about it and puts things into some sort of perspective when you start hearing what others have to say. Thank you Missy for posting your personal situation as well... I am SO thankful that my sister has not gone down the drugs road through all this! It would have been so easy with the sort of low-life she hangs with. Hopefully your story will have a happer ending as it sounds like things may have made a turn for the better in your son's case! I keep waiting for that here too!

jgarr44460 thanks for putting another perspective on this too... It just goes to show that the best of intentions, as well meaning as they may be, don't always turn out for the best. I do not want to have that sort of guilt hanging over me...

(((((((((GROUP HUG TO ALL!)))))))))