Dealing w/Death

Timber99

Timber99

Cathlete
When I was 19 (I am now 31) my father died very suddenly. He was a very fit, healthy person that ate well, jogged regularly and took very god care of himself. He worked hard and took very good care of his family and was just the most remarkable man that I have ever met. At the age of 51, he died suddenly from cardio myopathy. It shocked everyone that he knew (even doctors). My dad was my best friend and this just blew my world apart. Nothing has been the same since, although our family put the peices together and we are doing well. It's just that little peice that I always feel missing without him, esp. at certain events, etc.

The thing is that since then, the death of others just doesn't phase me nearly as much as it would have years ago. Sometimes I feel no emotion. I feel bad and I miss that person, don't get me wrong, but there is almost no reaction for me anymore. For example, my mom called to tell me that my Uncle died this morning (he was very ill and I knew this was coming any day now) and I didn't shed a tear. In recent years, we haven't been close but in general my family is close and so he wasn't a "distant relative." It just seems like a consequence of life and in fact, I am tearing up now writing this than I did when she called!

I know that I have very good control of my emotions in general and even more so b/c of my profession (attorney) but sometimes when the girls at work joke that I am "heartless" (b/c they all cry under pressure and I don't flinch), I think, "yeah, I guess I am." Sometimes it makes me feel abnormal, I swear. BF is no help (through no fault of his own) b/c after his dad's death, he is worse than I am (his dad suffered greatly)!!! I know my mom thinks I am a nut but I just had nothing to give her this morning. I can hear in her voice that she is questioning if I care at all and I felt badly.

Do you think that this is just a consequence of my experience or is there more to this? Have you ever had someone in your life that went through this?
 
Christine
wow kinda weird your name is Christine, as my neice who was 17, was killed in a car accident on feb 6th 2004 her name was Christine she was the most beautiful girl full of life she was my twin sisters daughter who was like my daughter and also a sister to my 3 boys after her death nothing phases me either i hear of people dying and it is like yes that is sad but not as sad as the loss of my neice I do not know why maybe because she was so young like your father and so full of life I just wanted to let you know your not alone I have no answers but I am sorry for your loss
Lisa
 
Timber you are not the only one who feels this way. I do too. Ever since my favorite grandparents died when I was in my teens, deaths just do not effect me as much. I guess its all just relative. I loved them so much and then they were gone. I was devastated, the grief subsided, and I have never felt that kind of pain when someone dies since then. I also am questioned as to why I dont cry when learning of other deaths. I just cant. It would be faking it and thats not right either. I cant help the way I do or dont feel. Thats just the way it is. Dont beat yourself up over NOT feeling the way someone else thinks you should be feeling. I hope it helps you to know you are not alone.

Suzanne
 
Christine,

When my father died a couple of years ago I really didn't cry that much...but there were a lot of extenuating circumstances that I won't go into here. A month after he died my 16 year old niece died suddenly of complications associated with pneumonia. I cried and was upset for my sister but still was able to make decisions she asked me to make regarding the service and such and I was the one who watched over my family at this traumatic time. When my Dad died, I was the one who made most of the arrangements because the rest of my family was a mess and couldn't or wouldn't function.

I have a logical view of death. It's certain we are all going to die and what we leave behind in our acts and deeds is the proof of who we were. In that proof we continue to live on.

Now, having said all this, if I were to lose my DH, daughter or granddaughter I would feel lost but I really think I would be able to continue to function and make decisions. I would think that's what
they would want and expect me to do.

Edited to say, the biggest trauma in my life was when I chose to divorce my first husband and actually followed through on it. Even though this wasn't a death, I was married to him for many years and breaking up our family was devistating to me, although I knew I had to for mere survival. This event changed me.

I know this didn't help you much but it helped me to write it down.
 
I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle and father. I can sympathize with your feelings. My father recently died, it wasn't as sudden as your father's death, but it still was a shock. Also a "young", healthy, man in the prime of his life struck down. I was there when he died and I am still traumatized by it. (Not a peaceful passing despite hospice care) :( But ever since then I have been very emotionless when it comes to death. A cousin died recently and suddenly and all I could think was that's too bad. I think for me I am blocking my feelings because my father's death was so painful. I don't want to feel like that again. Probably not the best way to deal with death. I know at some point I will have to deal with the pain and let things go.

Everyone deals with death differently, so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. I agree with a previous post that death is part of life and all you can hope for is to make the most of it while your here. Hope this helps, you're not alone. Hugs to you. :)
 
My dad died when I was 13 of a heart attack right in front of me at the dinning room table(I'm 32 now). I'll never forget that day. He was in his eary 60's. He wasn't the picture of perfect health but he enjoyed the life he lived. I do remember that it didn't really hit me or affect me until later. I think that sometimes we try to go through life with a tough exterior in order to be strong for others when deep inside we do feel the emotional pain but just deal with it differently. I think I cried more during the Sept 11th events then I did at my dad's funeral. I agree that you shouldn't let someone else tell you how you should feel during times like that. Everyone is different. I know that I think about my dad alot and am sad because I really never got a chance to "know him". I know that I tend to feel really uncomfortable at funerals (not that they should be a pleasant experience) and I think it's because I was dealing with death at a very early age. It didn't seem real to me. Anyway, you are not alone (or a nut) for feeling the way you do.

Kimbra
 
Hi Christine!

I'm so sorry to hear of both your losses. I just had to reply - we just last month lost my FIL to a sudden out-of-absolutely-nowhere, where the heck did that come from, fatal heart attack. (It's actually why I haven't been around here for a while) He was 55 and in great shape. My DH and he were best friends, they were building the extension on our house together. This came from absolutely out of the blue for us.

For us, this was our first experience with this. I feel like prior to this experience we were wrapped in a blissful naive bubble. All of a sudden, the reality in life came crashing down on us. I have a completely different outlook on life now. It's not as safe to us anymore. I don't know how I will react to another death in the family, but I feel like the next time I will not be as naive, as if I almost would expect it now. Does that make sense?

I would not feel 'heartless' or any less sensitive for how you're feeling or how you react. You had to grow up at the age of 19 quicker then a lot of other people. Losing someone so unexpectedly, ESPECIALLY a father who is a best friend, has to harden you to live in general. You suddenly have to take on a lot by yourself, without his guidence. And one of those things you take on is the reality of life, and that we all will die at some point.

Also, on top of that, you know that your father is somewhere beyond what we can comprehend - He has taken the next step. As much as I feel like I am now not naive to death, I also don't feel as afraid of it anymore, because I know he's there. Maybe that also helps you from becoming upset, because your uncle is now with your father..

My heart goes out to you....
 
It probably is a consequence of this experience. Like they say. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I lost my dad about 18months ago. I'm 45 and he was my biggest supporter and hero all my life. He had an extended illness so it was no shock that he died but yet it was. I find that nothing seems to compare in intensity to losing my Dad. Other things just don't seem as significant although they are important events.

I think you should be proud that you are a survivor and that people look to you for strength. Loss is a part of life. My dad always told me that when you lose someone you love there is only one thing to do. Get up in the morning and live your life the way you're supposed to because that is the only thing you can do.
 
Brenda,

Your Dad was very special person. I can tell just by how he advised you to deal with death.

I'm sorry for your loss.
 
I think the hardest death for me thus far was my grandmother when I was in grade 3.I grew up in a very religious home and I can remember only being 8 and praying that my grandmother would make it.
Since then I don't think anything as hit me as hard or I don't even know if I have come to terms with "death". All my immediate family are still alive and I don't think I will deal with their deaths very easily when the time comes...and who knows, I may be the first to go.
In the past years I have a had bestfriend die of cancer at age 21 and my grandfather die at age 99.With both deaths, I mourned them but when the funeral was over, I was done. I got up, wiped the tears away and I know for a fact that I didn't deal with my bestfriend dying like I should have.I soon moved on and I didn't think about her much after. I think it was just to hard.And when I see her family its hard b/c I remind them so much of her.And when I talk to them they just wnat to talk about her.She was so full of life and so afraid of death.She would call me night after to night to come over.I was only 15 at the time and I spent numerous nights with her while she sobbed.
I never did get to say good bye to her b/c Iwas out of town when she died.That was over 10 yrs ago now.
I think death definitly changes us and we all deal with it differently, no doubt about it.
Lori:)
 
Wow, you have all suffered so many losses. I am so sorry for all of them! I have been lucky and really haven't had anyone that close to me die......yet.

Not really related, but..I guess, in some cases, the fatal heart attacks that "come out of nowhere" can sometimes show us the importance of yearly check ups. It really is a silent killer.:-(
 
Christine-
I think we all have stories of how death has affected us. My "first" death (of a close family member) was 3 years ago, when my FIL had a fatal heart attack on the dance floor at my wedding. It took me about a year to "get over" the shock, and I definitely deal differently with death as a result. I can't tell if it's me afraid to go into the emotional upheaval again so I deny some of the emotions, or whether I've somehow developed a thick skin. I'm not sure which one I'd prefer.
I am sorry for everyone's loss who has posted, and those who haven't posted but still experienced a huge loss such as these. It is undeniably the price of life, which personally just motivates me to enjoy as much of what I do as I possibly can. In the end, that's all we can do. Someone told me at my FIL's funeral he had told them once, "if I die dancing, I'll die a happy man"... which gave me a lot of peace. It was a gift from him to tell me everything was okay on his end.
Take care,
Amy
 
I get told a lot that I am cold. I'm not really, just very pragmatic. Like a lot of the posters here, I think we just have to suck it up and move on. I know I wouldn't want people to be basket cases about me dying! What purpose does that serve? Death is a part of life, we all die and most of us have to deal with many deaths before we die. That too is part of living. You have just learned how deal with death and continue living, which is the incredibly wise advice someone's father (sorry, I forget who) told her.


Take care, and please don't beat yourself up. You are fine.
 
I lost my brother in 1998 suddenly and tragically. 9 months later I had an uncle die, later that year another uncle died, and then shortly after that my grandmother died. While I loved my uncles and grandmother very much, none of their deaths affected me like my brothers did. I was probably also still numb, but I was somewhat emotionless while going through the loss of each of them. I am a very emotional person too. For me, it was just the way I dealt with it.

I do think that the way you deal with death now is a consequence of your experience. But I don't think it makes you heartless. :) I think it's just a way of coping.


Brandi


http://www.picturetrail.com/jackieboy
 
Hi Christine.

I feel for you...I understand...my dad died in 95 when I 23 of cancer. He was only in his late 50's! It was not sudden like your father but when he got sick, the prognosis was pretty good. No one expected him to die. His death was the hardest for me to deal with to this day out of anyone who passed before or after him!

I don't know if I am affected any less by death now that he has passed but I can certainly understand how you may very well have subconsciously built a wall up to shield you from ever feeling the kind of pain/grief/sorrow again that you felt when your dad passed away!

Don't feel badly for this. It's not something you made a conscious decision to do...it was your body's way of protecting itself emotionally.

Just my 2 cents.:)
 
Christine -
I know how you feel and I don't think you are heartless. I have had a family member murdered when I was 18 ,my sister died when I was 28 of Luekemia, my Mom took her own life when I was 38 and my dad died from a massive heart attack 5 months after that.Those are just the highlights.My dad was also my best friend in the world and I miss him terribly. I have been told I can be cold or unfeeling, but I think over time you just realize how natural death really is and as another posted you just suck it up and move on. That does not make you cold.
For me, I can feel sadness about a persons death but have learned to not wallow in it so that I can still enjoy the time I have here on earth. I know exactly what you mean about nothing ever being the same. I am so sorry to hear of your losses.
Take care
 
Christine,

My sympathies for your loss. I have more experience with the death's of loved ones than I can recount here. I would like to share my sister-in-law's story though. Her husband was 40 years old when he died very tragically on September 11, 2001. He was on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center. We were all shocked and devastated. My SIL was so very composed throughout the whole experience. We never saw her cry. She had a 5 year old daughter and another baby on the way (due in October). I never thought of her as cold or heartless. I thought of her as unbelievably strong. Others have/had their own opinions of her behavior but that is/was their problem in my book. Months later they found some of my BIL's remains in the wreckage. SIL had a service and a burial at that time. I was with her when she viewed the remains and I witnessed the complete breakdown of a human being. I believe that there are a multitude of factors that determine how we react to the tragedies in our lives. There certainly is no right or wrong answer when it comes to how each one of us deals with death.
 
Thank you all for your kind words. Its nice to know that I am not alone and that others think this is an understandable reaction to circumstances. I know that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to respond, but I often feel like I am just completely off base...then I feel badly b/c I don't want someone to think I am not sympathetic, cold or harsh.

Thanks again everyone!
 
Sorry about your loss. I've lost a lot of people, not including the standard grandparents, inlaws, which just kinda goes this life.

Painful loss when I was in HS, my best friend was shot and killed by his friend while they were playing with what was usually a blank gun, lost my WONDERFUL father 3 mos after I split with my ex (my kids were 1 and 3). 5 years ago I lost my boyfriend (by then best friend) to cancer.

Re those of you who say you are cold. I use to be as well and definetly think it's a coping strategy. My closest women friends were are STRONG TOUGH woman - not the emotional type. This last year my son went through some very serious (life threatening issues) and my mother was locked away (mentally ill) - all of a sudden all my years of being tough vanished.

I now I find I'm SO MUCH stronger as I can deal with my vulnerabilites, rather than being strong by supressing them. Sadly I find I'm moving away from so many of my woman friends - who just can't deal with things but just get tough by suppressing things. They are just experience such a smart part of the emotional spectrum.

Death is natural. I dont fear it for myself but I want to be here quite awhile longer to be with my kids. Death for old people isn't so tough, it's when it gets the young folks and the young Moms and Dad not being with their kids. My mother is 80s, not sure how many more years she has. Perhaps it will be sad when it happens, but certainly not like others I've experience.

I actually went to counseling for my "coldness" I just felt I was holding back and needed someone to help me through it. Mine was not related to the death I experienced but was a coping mechanism for dealing with my mother.

Interesting thread and hope folks cope with this
 
That s so difficult, dealing with death and there's almost no easy way to do it. I have observed that sudden deaths are much more devastating than long illnesses becasue when someone is ill long before they die, the stages of grief are gone through and people seem to move through them more readily it seems to me. Life often offers practice runs though. We suffer losess, big and small, throughout and we grieve them. If we are paying attention, we learn how to cope and some methods are better than others. A lot of t depends on who you are. The stages are denial, depression, anger, acceptance, by the way. Sadness and depression seem quite natural but anger is a hard emotion to feel, particularly when you love someone.

In the West, we are trained to believe that death is to be feared but should it be when it is one of those very certain things in life? When we avoid it and in particular, try to protect people from it, it can be that much harder to bear, not just losing a loved one but any loss. I like the way Buddhists contemplate sorrow so that it loses it's sting. We move so fast, never being fully present and then we are struck with sudden loss and we are devastated. I think loss unleashes fear and it returns us to such times as we were helpless and it is the worse feeling. Some want to just get through and do that inwardly with no show of emotion. No one gets to tell a grieving person what is appropriate for them. I am intense and I emote and I make no apologies for that. :) It's even worse when those less affected expect someone grieving to move on too quickly. It must be given it's time and then let go as memory fades and new ones come in to soften the pain but it's part of the whole experience we call life. If, in time, as much as is needed and that's up to each individual, you are able to say goodbye, to let go and say I have had this and now it's gone and I must let it so that I can move one and find a new way of being happy without that person, then life becomes livable again. It's a shock to realize that you are coming to terms with loss and I think we can feel guilty over that too.

Joy and sorrow are counterparts in life. They can even be experienced silmultaneously if you look at life with eyes wide open and remember to be grateful for what has been given even when it seems to be lost. Sometimes a loss is an eye opener and it prepares us for what is to come in this uncertain life.

No one can lose a real love. It's kept in the heart. :) Time eases pain and then when you look back, you find yourselff smiling over memories and you may be sad but you know someone who loves you would want you to be happy and you start living again. That is the best way to honor the dead when grief begins to loosen it's hold and you find yourself noticing that it's a beautiful day and you might want to feel the sun on your face. It may feel like the warm touch of your beloved and it can be good and sad at the same time. Be happy even when you are sad. Take time and feel your feelings but know that what is out of our control is out of our control and we have nothing to fear if we can surrender to the truth that a happy life is a great thing to shoot for but it is also unrealistic to think that sorrow won't come knocking. To know that you can lose anyone and still end up being aware of the beautiful things that life has to offer is a gift but it is far from easy. It is a miracle to walk the earth and there are some people you will never willngly say goodbye to. Knowing that and doing it anyway is huge. No one handles it the same and if the end goal is to accept and live your life, you will be okay.

Death introduces us to our fears and our sorrow and if we train ourselves to know that there will come a time when we will accept that that s true, we can get through grief however it comes upon us. There is no choice, it is a part of life and some will experience many more losses than others with no rhyme or reason to it. When I have found myself hardening,or bitter, it turned out to be a phase and a protective one at that. It passed and I was again in touch with my open heart. Not always in regard to death but loss can feel like that and the stages are quite the same. I jump feet first into all slings and arrows and let it out and look hard at each thought and feeling until they begin to make sense again and I know that I born to be happy, to love and to serve and that can be done when life is tragic or no but it's important to have people who love you who will care for you in grief when you may not want to do that yourself and then you will be safe until you are ready to face the new day and accept that life goes on.
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
 
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