Dating...opening yourself up, vulnerability -- ?

newswoman13

newswoman13

Cathlete
Happy Holidays, everyone! I've curious for your thoughts -- good, old-fashioned girl talk. Not fitness-related, but I've seen some of you give great advice before, so feel free to share your stories or perspective!

A little background: I'm 26, and I've just started seeing this guy. Nothing serious yet, but he's 33, not into games, just a real guy. Honest, healthy -- we share the same views, morals, etc.

Here's the thing: It scares the **** out of me to open up, to be vulnerable. For example, to talk about my parents' divorce, etc., things where I'm really sensitive. And, I've worked (and am still working) with a therapist who has helped me tremendously with trust issues and breaking old patterns. Ultimately, I know that a healthy relationship is about trust and opening up...I just need to face those fears without feeling like I'll be too much or too sensitive and just crumble!

Any stories or perspective you'd like to share? Tips, pep talks are welcome! I'm burning some time before teaching a class, so go ahead and share!
 
I totally get where you are coming from! Without giving you my history, I came from a very abusive home. Trust is near impossible for me and even my best friends don't know what is really in my heart because I have become so good at shielding my feelings - most people think that I am fearless because I don't allow my weaknesses to show. Only my sister understands and gets me because we went through everything together, so we get each other and have learned to rely on each other and not let each other down. There is really only one other person that I trust; she is my oldest friend and she is completely nonjudgmental and understanding. We had very similar childhoods, too. :)

This was very difficult for my marriage... my husband and I started out completely crazy about each other, loved each other like mad and couldn't keep our hands off of each other BUT I made sure that he didn't know about my past and I tried so hard to keep up appearances sake, if you know what I mean. It wasn't until about four years into our marriage that I finally allowed myself to be myself around him and tell him how I felt and told him what was really in my heart and past.

I am really not sure if what I am saying makes any sense or if it is even what you asked for, but I finally came to a realization: If you open yourself up and make yourself vulnerable, you WILL get hurt. You can rely on no man or woman not to hurt you, because they will, unintentionally or not. HOWEVER, you can't love to the fullest if you aren't vulnerable and you can't grow if you don't get hurt. You can't have any kind of healthy relationship if you aren't open, and even though you will get hurt you can always bounce back up and give your heart again because that is the only way to feel any kind of real joy. You cannot experience life with your guard up, I fully believe that and have learned that. Even though my husband doesn't understand me, he loves me and we are so much closer because I let him in. I still have to work on my relationships with my friends, and it is a huge struggle for me, but I definitely feel so much closer to the one I love the most because I let him in... I really hope that helps and I wish you luck!
 
Boy I can really relate to this. I don't know how much advice I can give b/c I've been an utter failure. :-(

But I will say this--you need to take things at your own pace. If you're not comfortable enough with him right now to talk about the really personal stuff, then don't. If he cares enough about you he'll understand.

For people who've been burned (which is probably the vast majority of us), trusting again takes time. Your relationship has to grow & mature to the point where you do trust him not only with your most intimate thoughts, but enough to love him without being afraid of being hurt.

Don't rush it. Just let it grow at its own pace.
 
Having been there, I'd add that at some point you have to get past yourself and just do it, you know? Behave your way to success so to speak. I used a lot of self-talk when DH and first got together. I'd tell myself, "yeah, it's scary, hard, uncomfortable...but so what?" I always focused on the fact that I'd rather risk being vulnerable than spend the rest of life alone simply because I was afraid to take a chance on someone.

The night DH and I met, we spent a few hours talking (it was at a pub, someone's birthday party) and then he went off to drum with the band. I decided to leave and was actually "slipping out the back" hoping he wouldn't notice me go, because I was scared of another relationship developing, as I'd recently been really hurt by someone. But then I was like, "screw it" went back in, gave him my number and left. We were married a year and 1/2 later.

HTH!

Sparrow


My garden is filled with papayas and mangos
My life is a mixture of reggaes and tangos
Taste for the good life, I can live it no other way
- Jimmy Buffett
 
Thank you ALL. It's about courage, isn't it? Whatever happens, I am working on opening myself up gently...not rushing...just taking it day by day.

Thank you again.

;-)
 
NO! It's all about caution! :)

Courage can come later, when you feel secure. Right now just be careful & remember that YOU are #1! So whatever you need to do to protect yourself & feel good about yourself should come first.
 
Lots of good advice here. Since I've used this board for advice for my new relationship which is going on 4 months now I can give a little advice myself. Realize this guy is a completely different person from anyone from your past, deal with your inner demons along the way and remember that no matter what happens you will always be just fine. First couple months were really hard for me in this relationship but I'm happier than I've ever been and love my guy dearly. Does he know every skeleton in the closet, no...but he sure does know a lot in a short time. Take your time.

Tina
 
>
>The night DH and I met, we spent a few hours talking (it was
>at a pub, someone's birthday party) and then he went off to
>drum with the band. I decided to leave and was actually
>"slipping out the back" hoping he wouldn't notice me go,
>because I was scared of another relationship developing, as
>I'd recently been really hurt by someone. But then I was
>like, "screw it" went back in, gave him my number and left.
>We were married a year and 1/2 later.
>
>HTH!
>
>Sparrow


I LOVE THAT!! Good for you Sparrow!!}(

I have several single girlfriends who absolutely REFUSE to go up to a guy and just put themselves out there. They are so frustrated being single and want to meet someone so bad, get married, and have kids. I try to tell them that sometimes you have to be the one to make the move and that guys like that but they just say they don't want to come off desperate or that it feels unnatural. So I say, guess you'll be single for a while....;-)

The lesson to learn here?? Sometimes breaking out of your shell/stepping outside your comfort zone can result in a nice suprise!!:eek:
 
Thank you, Tina. You're so right. He is not from my past, he's not to blame or fear. And, you're right again by saying "no matter what happens you will always be just fine".

Thank you.
 
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