D&C -- feelings/length of recovery, etc.

[zoelda]

Long story short. I was pregnant with twins. One did not have a heartbeat at 9 weeks. The other just did at about 13 weeks. I started bleeding, had an ultrasound and had to have a suction currettage all within 48 hours last week. I thought I was "cool" with the whole thing... or as cool as one could be anyways... and I started running/stepping 4 days post procedure. I was fine the first 2 days and then started bleeding, so I stopped working out. I have a ton of weight gain, cannot stop binging on horrible food and feel like I am completely falling apart. I have not been able to go back to work because I can't trust myself around people -- could start swearing at them/crying at them... have no idea! I actually left the house yesterday and stayed in a hotel. Everyone just keeps thinking that how bad I feel is all in my head and will go away as so as my hormones settle. I just hope this is true. I am so absolutely screwed up... and that is putting it majorly politely. I am depressed, dysfunctional... and I do not think things will ever be okay and I will be able to workout again. I know I sound melodramatic and silly... but I just want to get healthy and get back to being able to feel good physically/mentally again.

Zoelda

 

[FiddleFit]

Zoelda,

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking to lose a baby, and must have been even more dreadful losing both of the twins. Have you talked to your doctor about the renewed bleeding? I just had a D&C yesterday, to complete a miscarriage that happened last week. My understanding is that I should not have any more bleeding until I get my period again, in about 4 weeks. Please consult with someone about this, if you haven't done so already. As for your emotional state, I would expect that that is a very individual thing. Every person probably handles these sorts of things very differently. One emotion I experienced after my miscarriage that surprised me was anger. I was quite angry at my body for not sustaining the pregnancy. Do you have anyone you can talk to for grief counselling? Sure, your hormones probably play a part in all of these feelings, but that does not mean that the emotions are invalid, or that there isn't much more to your feelings than hormonal adjustment. You have been through a very, very difficult experience and now more than ever you need to assert your own feelings and be compassionate to yourself. You do not need to live up to anyone else's expectations about how you should be feeling. There is no right or wrong way to react to losing babies; there is only your *own* way. Please talk to someone about the bleeding, and keep talking to us, or find someone trustworthy to talk to, to help you get through all of the emotional confusion.

I am thinking of you, and wish you warmth and comfort. Please take care, and let us know how you're doing.
Sandra

 

[zoelda]

Sandra,

Thanks so much for the kind words. I hope you are recovering well, and I am sorry to hear about your loss. Anger is definitely a problem. Rage would be more accurate description. I thought it was just my typical response... more to things being out of my control than WHAT was going on. I don't know. I wasn't as surprised by the anger as I was the sadness. Logically, I don't see why I should be more than disappointed as my body knew enough that things weren't right with the baby and acted accordingly, but everything just seems so out of control with everything -- anger/depression. I will try and get a doctor to see me on Monday. I won't go back to the doctor who did the surgery. I usually see midwives, so I had to see an OB and I hate him. Probably just me right now... but he was rough with me when he examined me initially and I get totally freaked about that stuff which is why I was so happy to find the midwives in the first place, so now I am freaked out about going back there. Everything happened so fast that I did not have a choice about the doctor. SIGH.

Thanks again for taking the time to right such comforting words here to me when o much is going on with you... they are appreciated.

Zoelda

 

[FiddleFit]

Zoelda,

Oh, there is little that is logical about losing a baby. From a medical standpoint, it is probably very straightforward, but from a personal standpoint, it is crazy and confusing. I completely agree that the feelings of being out of control are very stressful and diffcult to deal with. I compensated for that in my own way of asserting more control over the other areas of my life that were still controllable - eating, working, exercising. When I wasn't crying or grieving, I made an attempt to eat better, exercise daily, and keep my work deadlines. I figured there was no point in letting one part of my life ruin all of my life. The miscarriage event would eventually be "over with", but the rest of my life will continue to go on, and I don't want to be picking up the pieces all over the place. Damage control was my main approach. But this was my own way of dealing with things, and not necessarily how someone else should do it.

If you were already under a midwife's care, than I would think she is the ideal person to be speaking to right now. If you can call her today, do so, and tell her how you're feeling, and about the bleeding. I hope, if you need further medical attention, that you are able to see another OB. How awful that during such an emotionally difficult time, you had to be subjected to an insensitive practitioner. If he's the one who made you feel that this whole thing was a logical process, and you "should" be feeling fine, then tell yourself he's crap and talk to someone who actually knows a thing or two about childbirth. I envy you having access to midwife care.

By the way, I doubt that the bleeding started again because of your exercising. Don't feel guilty about that, or beat yourself up over it. I'm not medically trained, but just from what I've learned myself this past week about D&C's, exercise should not have caused bleeding that would not have occurred anyways.

Take very good care of yourself. You will eventually recover, in your own time, at your own speed.
Sandra

 

[hope]

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss as well. I had a D&C back in the spring after we discovered that the baby had died but my body just didn't realize it. Anyways, a few days afterwards, I started running a fever and having very bad cramps and ended up in the hospital on IV antibiotics. The infection may have just been coincidental, but while I was there, they did an ultrasound and found that I had a lot of blood still in my uterus. Apparently my body had not fully responded to the drug they gave me after the D&C to clamp down the uterus and stop any bleeding. I did not have any heavy bleeding until about three days after I was released from the hospital at which time I started passing enormous clots. My point in relating all this is that perhaps you've had something similar in that your uterus hasn't fully shrunk back if you are still having heavy bleeding. Whatever the reason, it is worth getting it checked out.

As far as your emotions are concerned, you've been through a major loss. Compounding this loss is the enormous fluctuations in hormones. Some people are very sensitive to the changes in hormones. I am one of those people--I have PMDD and have had episodes of postpartum OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) after the birth of some of my children. A great book that I found explained why I felt the way I did is Women's Moods. I highly recommend it. Because of the trauma that you've been through, you may need some medication to help your brain chemistry settle down. If you continue to feel terrible, I would highly recommend you address this with a doctor or therapist.

I wish you the best. Just remember that it is OK to feel however you do and to give yourself time to grieve and heal emotionally.

 

[zoelda]

Thank you so, so much for your email. I will definitely check out the book! I was reluctant to see someone about meds (I have had to be on them in the past) because I keep thinking by the time they take effect I'll have to stop taking them because hopefully I'll be healthy (physically) and we can try again. If things do not get better though, I may need to focus on getting physically and mentally healthy enough to try again and not be just thinking about "how soon?"

 

[shellnc]

Hi,

I'm very sorry for your loss and I can totally relate to your emotions. I don't necessarily know exactly what your feeling, but you'll see below that I totally understand the frustration of the emotions and how people react to them.

I actually just had a D&C today. I went to the doctor Monday at 9weeks 5days due to a small amount of brown discharge. Previously, I had seen the heartbeat at 6weeks 3days. It turns out the baby stopped growing at a little over 7weeks. This was my third pregnancy. My first was a blighted ovum--just a sack. I had a D&C when I should have been 9 weeks. I was absolutely devasted--my new invisioned life changed and I had no control over it. After the D&C I still had pregnancy symptoms for a while. I was a mess and my husband was too, but I didn't feel that he understood my roller coaster like emotions. My second pregnancy gave me my wonderful son who is currently 22 months. I was so nervous the entire first trimester. This was my third pregnancy, and I was a little catious due to my past experience. I can't explain how I feel this time. It's totally different than the last. I feel guilty that I don't feel the same devastation. I wonder if I did something wrong or if I was so busy in my life that I didn't have time to want it bad enough (which is crazy because the conception was totally planned and took a lot of work). This time around it makes me angry and emotional when people go on and on about their sympathy. But, I do realize they don't know what to say really either. I actually had a nurse this time tell me that "it happened for a reason and at least I already had a child I should be greatful for." I know she was trying to help, but what does my child have to do with this child that was growing in me? I love my child more than anything and I am grateful to have him, but just because I have him she made me feel like I didn't really have a right to grieve over this loss. As you can tell, I'm still a little emotionally "crazy" right now.

All I do know is that I can't imagine my life without my son. If my first miscarriage wouldn't have happened I would have never of met this little person who has totally changed my view of the world and my view of myself. I will always remember the devistation I first experienced, but my son has totally helped me overcome it. Having him has been an awesome experience for me. I just keep thinking that same thought for when I finally do have baby number 2. These life trials have made me realize how much I want to be a mother. I hope you can feel the same one day.

As far as working out, I took it easy for about a week after my D&C. I think I did some light walking and that was it. I bled for 5 days. At first it was red and then at the end it was brown discharge. So far this time, I'm hardly bleeding at all--it's pink to light brown currently. But, it's just the first day. I've red the length and amount is different for everyone. I think I'm going to rest through the weekend and then pick up some light exercise for a couple of days and see how it goes.

Take care of yourself and best wishes.

shellnc