Competition- is there something "different" about me??

amyg

amyg

Cathlete
I was at lunch the other day and everyone was talking about how they scored on their SAT exam, what grades they got in college, how many times their friends had to take the bar exam, etc. I completely tuned out. I could not care less about competition like this!!!

I've gotten quite a bit of criticism because I'm in law school and just not competitive. What is wrong with me?? *I* don't really see anything wrong with myself (and in fact, I see a lot of things *right* with myself), but this keeps coming up and I can't see an end to it.

The only thing I can come up with is that my sister is 4 years older than me and she was just super book smart. She skipped kindergarten and was the one with a 4.3 gpa leaving high school and 1590 SAT scores. I remember being really young and recognizing I was never going to be able to beat her at anything. I consciously chose other things so that I wouldn't feel badly when comparing her to me. I definitely wanted to be an apple to her orange!!

So why am I still dealing with this?? I'm almost 29, I don't begrudge her anything she is doing, I'm fairly happy with my own smarts and my own accomplishments in my entire life. So why do I feel badly and feel different because I just couldn't care less about competition??

I *love* to compete with myself, with my workouts and my runs, etc. I don't push myself, but rather track where I am and affirm myself this way. Is anyone like this?? Does anybody think I'm doing something wrong? I am completely baffled why other people care about this...
 
RE: Competition- is there something

I hear you Amy. I am not a competitive person but love to push myself to new limits. I think that sometimes people mistakingly perceive lack of competitivness to passivity or weakness. I'm not competitive and I pity the fool who calls me weak! My in-law's family are very competitive in so many ways and it really gets to me sometimes, it's not enough to be right for them even in a 'compromise' someone has to be MORE right, however that works?!? There is definitely nothing wrong with you not feeling competitively driven, it doesn't mean that you aren't as hungry for success as anyone else, you just have your own way. I think it's laudable to resist pressure to compare 'wins and losses' with others as some personal barometer. You are continually striving for your own personal best and that is wonderful.

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Hi Amy,
I wanted to say that I don't think there is anything wrong with you AT ALL! My older brother and I are fairly close in age and we were both super competitive with each other, pretty cutthroat at times}( After I became involved with my DH though (who is the complete opposite and absolutely freakin' awesome) I really took a step back from my relationship with my brother. He, however, is still the exact same way, and not just with me, but with sports, games, knowledge, breathing, sheesh:p Now, spending time with my brother can really get on my nerves, as the competition is so one sided (can't really compete with someone who refuses to cooperate, lol).
Actually, I don't know you very well, but from every post I've read on here you seem like a sincere, fun, sweet, and kind person who actually reminds me a lot of my best friend and as such I don't think that you should change one bit. :+
I am currently working on my PhD and there are quite a few competitive people around, and then there is the group of us who are friends, much more mellow, who simply go our own way. I know I'm much happier now than I used to be, because measuring myself against others was not only impossible, but gave me no control over my own success. IMO, you have it exceptionally together and shouldn't give it another thought.
Mattea:7
 
RE: Competition- is there something

I get a LOT of grief for not being competitive in my law studies, and I get a lot of grief in my family for trying to make everyone just be themselves.

It's so confusing, I waste all kinds of time trying to get it all straightened out!!!

Thanks for your support, Laurie. LOL at how you put someone thinking you're weak. Nobody thinks I'm weak, but I do think they must believe I'm slow. Argh.
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Wow, Mattea, thank you!!!

I'm the same way since I met my DH 8 years ago. Everyone said I "seemed much calmer"... when now that I think about it, I just stopped listening to all of them!!! (Well, at least I tried to stop listening to them. I'm not there yet.) I just wish they would all Butt Out and let me live my life!!!!! I would never dream of telling someone they are "too sensitive" or some such nonsense!!! Let them lead their own life!!!

Thanks for your kind words- I'm going to show them to DH!!! ;)
 
RE: Competition- is there something

You are not weird at all, Amy. I'm not a very competitve person, and when people talk about who did the best, has the best, etc., I could not care less. What matters is that you are happy with your life and have done well by your own standards. Thinking this way is far healtheir than comparing yourself to others!
 
RE: Competition- is there something

LOL, okay Gina, then how do I get them all to shut up?? :p
 
RE: Competition- is there something

I have been struggling with a similar kind of problem for a long time. My father always said I wasn't competitive enough and always implied that I was too weak to make it in the world.

Now, as a lawyer, I am surrounded by other lawyers who are very aggressive. But for me, it's all about helping clients. I like to take the extra time to get to know my clients as people, and I don't always bill them for every minute we spend talking. I make suggestions to the client that may not be the best thing for my firm or for me, but that I think are best for the client. At my firm I am not known as the most aggressive attorney, or the attorney who bills the most hours or makes the most money, but I am generally known as the attorney who the clients like. The other attorneys in my firm all send their clients to me for estate planning. I have frequently been told by the other attorneys at my firm that I am highly respected and valued. I get great reviews every year, and have received every raise I've ever asked for.

I'm learning that it takes all kinds to make a world, or even a law firm, and that people like me have a valuable place in the world and in a law firm. Our firm has its share of aggressive litigators. It also needs "nice" estate planning attorneys like me who can make a client feel comfortable and who can sympathize with his or her situation, especially after he or she has just lost a loved one.

Short story long, be what you are and don't compromise. The world needs you just the way you are, Amy.

-Nancy
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Nancy, I'm writing that last line down somewhere. Great quote to remember :)
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Hey Amy,

You are A-OK girl! I can't stand to compete with others and would also tune out the conversation you described.

Now, competing against myself, well that's another story. I expect myself to one-up myself all the time. Maybe we could go to therapy together on this issue.:)

I work REALLY hard on not comparing my boys to one another, but rather on emphasizing their individual strengths cause they compete like crazy against one another and it drive me nuts! But my DH says that will only get worse between brothers.

Anyway, back on topic, be yourself, enjoy yourself, and don't stress over this. :)
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Ditto what everyone else had to say. I have no words of wisdom for you but here's a {{{{{BIG SQUEEZY HUG}}}}}.

Michele:)
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Just wanted to chime in and agree with everyone else's post. I don't think you are weird at all. This was one big reason I stopped being a musician. I went to college for music and couldn't stand how competitive the other musicians were with me and eachother. It was a DAILY struggle dealing with these people and after awhile, I just had no desire to make that a part of my life. It was entirely too stressful for me. So, I guess I'm saying that I understand how you feel and to let you know that there are other people in the world out there who feel exactly the same way as you do.

carolyn
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Amy:

I am the same as you. I have never been interested in competition in anything, sports, grades, professionally, nuthin.

I do what I do for me only and the standards I set to achieve I determine them myself. Others can do what they want.

The world needs us quite frankly, as antidote to all those pushy aggressive people!

As Nancy says, people like us because we are busy being open and receptive to them rather than competing with them.

Stay just as you are,
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Amy - that's why I had a hard time in outside sales. I wanted the customer to buy our products because it was the best fit for them, not to beat out the competition. I much prefer customer service where I can help resolve problems - not create them!

I do like to challenge myself, and I'll try to get others to challenge themselves especially health-wise, but I don't compete with them. So, like everyone else said - you're not weird. You're a wonderfully, sweet, friendly person and that's a very, very good thing. I think the world needs more people like you.
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Hi Amy -

Just wanted to chime in and say that nothing is wrong with you! Obviously you can be successful without being aggressive and competitive. I was told by my high coaches that I wasn't competitive enough, I hate when people act competitive in board games (makes it no fun), and certainly did not act competitive in law school. At my law school there were not as many outwardly competitive people - everyone just played it cool and acted like they didn't care, but secretly stayed up and studied all night trying to get ahead. I thought it was silly. I just did my best and that is all I can do. And it turned out fine.

My sister is hyper competitive. We are close in age (she is 1.5 yrs older) but she has always tried to be better than me, in sports, games, careers, etc. What makes it so annoying is that she clearly cannot be happy for me when I succeed. When I get a good job, I can't talk about it in front of her because she is jealous. When I buy a new car, she gets so angry. Now it is a "race" to her on who has kids first. She realized that now I am thinking about it in the next few years, so she decided she had to have them first and got all mad about it. I scares me to think of how she is going to try and compare our kids to each other. So I think being too competitive is a bad thing. Stay the way you are.
 
RE: Competition- is there something

It's funny you mention that about your sister. I think my sister is very competitive with me, even though it was the other way around for the first 15 years of my life (and then I stopped competing with her- she doesn't have anything I want!! LOL).

Two weeks after my DH and I announced our engagement, she started dating a guy and saying "I think he's the one". She was living in Hong Kong, came back, and started dating him. It was bizarre!!! And they got married 9 months after my DH and I did.

She has also told me she does "not allow" me to have kids before she does. THE WOMAN IS INSANE. I just kind of looked at her when she said that. WTH?? Oh well. Her problem!

I really do feel okay about myself, and all of your comments are much appreciated!!! I just need now to figure out how to get other people to stop picking at me... because that's exactly what it feels like!!
 
RE: Competition- is there something

I think there is a big difference between being lazy and being uncompetitive. Whoever is giving you grief may be thinking you are being lazy, but instead you are doing the best that YOU can do without worrying about what the others are doing. Competitiveness is comparing your best with someone else's best, which can sometime be unproductive and just cause more stress. As long as you are doing the best you can, then I don't see how they can find fault with you. My parents were always great about that - they always said that they would be happy as long as I am doing the best I can. If that is B instead of an A, then that is fine with them. But if I could have gotten that A but just didn't try for it, then that is not right.

Also you have to keep everything is balance in your life. You can't be the best at everything all the time, you've got to pick you battles. Sure, you are smart enough to make all A's all the time, but you also have a life and a husband. So just do the best you can in your life situation, and that is all you can do. If anyone is unhappy about that, that is their problem.
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Diane and Amy, your posts are so interesting. A little sibling rivalry is one thing, but your sisters have both taken it to an irrational level. Imagine deciding to get married or have kids based upon competition.

I had a friend who was kind of like that. She refused to come and visit me in my new apartment, and I suspected it was because she heard it was nicer than hers. She also dumped me like a hot potato when I started dating my husband, and I suspect it was because she was jealous that I had a boyfriend. She just turned 50 and is still single. I think there's a reason for that. }(

People are so fascinating.
-Nancy
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Amy, how about saying something like the following: "I'm happy the way I am just as I'm sure you're happy the way you are. Let's make a deal. I won't try to change you and please don't try to change me. This way, we can both be the people we were created to be." If you feel you need to, you could also say that if you ever WANT advice, then you'll ask. And then just move the topic to something else. After you say that, you can then ask them, "So what else would you like to talk about?" As long as you don't "engage" in their statements and don't become defensive, and state something like the above or change the topic, eventually they will get the message that they won't be able to affect you. It may take awhile but if you stick with it, it will work. Believe me, it DOES work. I'm living proof of that! Good luck!

Bam
 
RE: Competition- is there something

Amy - you sound great. Stay the way you are.

I used to be very competitive but realize so much of that is not on the really important stuff (like being a good person). Sadly I was one of the people who wanted to be one of the first to get married, buy the house have the kids... ugh... Sadly it took a lot of tragedies before I learned what is really important and it's NOT always being first.

Great post Amy. Nancy you always shed such good light on things too.
 
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