Cheap Guy???

D

divagirl

Cathlete
Been dating a guy for a while and he knows that I don't do dutch dates since he tried that once before when we dated months ago. Saturday night we went out and he made a comment that him going out used to cost him $6 since he's given up drinking and now with me he's back to spending $60 and says "I guess that's the price you pay". I shelled out $30 that night towards parking and drinks etc just to chip in. Sunday morning at breakfast he actually asked me if I wanted to split the bill. I just looked at him and said "I guess if we have to but I don't know how much I have on me" (as I'm going through my purse). He then just threw down the money for the bill and said he'd get it. I feel like more often than not when this guy opens his wallet to do anything for me its a problem. I know he has a house and is putting alot into to fix it up but I think I'm just about done with all this.
When things are right shouldn't the relationship just start off easy and fall right into place without all this struggling?
Isn't a guy basically supposed to show the girl a good time and pick up most of the tab without a question?
 
<<Isn't a guy basically supposed to show the girl a good time and pick up most of the tab without a question?>>

Ummmm...nope.

divagirl, you're probably not going to want to hear this, but I'll say it anyway.

In this day and age, I wouldn't ever expect a guy to pay my way on a date. When DH and I were dating we split costs, and we still do that now. For instance, if we go out to dinner he may pay one time, and I may pay the next, but it all evens out.

As a note, owning a home ain't cheap, so you might want to give him a break. I know when DH and I first purchased ours 10 years ago, our social spending decreased significantly.

ETA - Actually, I always found picking up the tab myself to feel kind of empowering!
 
I think it depends on the situation. If a guy asks me out, I would expect him to pay. If I asked him out (which I've never done) I would pay. Once you get into the relationship it's different, though, IMO. Once DH and I had been going out for a while s/he who had the bucks paid. Sometimes I paid for the movie and he got dinner, that sort of thing. I don't remember exactly but I do know it was never an issue and that I never expected him to pay for everything after the first date.

Some relationships come easily and some relationships require more work. Both can be strong. But the bottom line is, it has to be worth it to you.

HTH,

Sparrow

'Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
I agree with Sparrow. If you issued the invite, you pick up the tab.

As things move further along in the relationship you should settle into some kind of equitable habit. My ex husband & I split everything 50/50 no matter what b/c our salaries were about the same. My ex BF made a lot more than me, not to mention he would never ever let me even buy him a drink, so everything was on his dime.

IMO much of this depends on your respective incomes. I'm not saying sit down & do the math every time you go out, but if he makes a lot more than you do it's more a matter of consideration than anything. I don't care if this is the "new millenium" or if it's "empowering" to pay your own way. The bottom line is women still make less than men for doing the same jobs, & this is one small way we can even the playing field a little.
 
Ditto what Sparrow said. I think I would raise an eyebrow at some of those comments, though...a relationship that works well shouldn't be weird like that. Maybe he is just not ready for a relationship in that respect? Anyway, if it feels strange to YOU, it probably isn't what works.


Live with sincerity, love with passion, and dance like you mean it.

Debbie
 
I've never been comfortable with guys wanting to pay for me. I'm highly stubborn and independent though :) If a guy takes me out to dinner, the next time we hang out I like to pay...or at least contribute. Now that I'm living with my SO, we share everything.

Brandi

http://www.picturetrail.com/jackieboy
 
I tried to edit my post to add more but I was timed out. So...


Divagirl, I was thinking about you while I was on the treadmill and this thought came to me. I agree with Debbie that some of his comments are odd. BUT, he may be trying to feel you out on this. He may be 100 percent into you but be put off if you are sending the energy that you think it's his "job" is to show you a good time and pick up the tab for it. IMO, that's not really a point of view that's condusive to a longterm relationship/partnership you know? Maybe that's where his weirdness comes in, because he likes you but is unsure of this situation?

Just my thoughts. No offense intended.

Sparrow

'Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
I agree with alot posted but I do think there's a difference when a guy makes you feel like you are a burden . If I had money I wouldn't have a problem paying for more things but I don't and I was invited on these dates. I even specifically said do you have anything around the house to eat but he wanted to go to breakfast. Personally I think the more someone wants to do for you the more you want to do for them. There is just such an issue with this guy over money that I've never experienced with anyone else.
 
Some guys are just really hung up on money so it may be a personality thing. (I couldn't deal with that, personally.)

I generally follow the rule that if you ask me, you pay, and vice versa. I don't have any problem with a guy paying my way, nor do I have any problem with me paying his. But the situation shouldn't be awkward or feel weird.

Diva, is this the same guy you said you don't feel particularly passionate about but that you were friends before? Not to offend you or anything, but does he think this is a "friends with benefits" type of situation as opposed to a relationship? That might be a reason for his weirdness.

Good luck,
Marie
 
You may be right Sparrow...plus I know he had issues with his last girlfriend and feeling taken advantage of. This always seems to be an issue for us that causes friction. I have to say though I was also put off by his crankiness from being hungry this weekend too. He got short with me and then instead of apologizing said it was because he was hungry. When I was quiet, he asked if I was over it yet. Didn't really like that very much.
 
>You may be right Sparrow...plus I know he had issues with his
>last girlfriend and feeling taken advantage of. This always
>seems to be an issue for us that causes friction. I have to
>say though I was also put off by his crankiness from being
>hungry this weekend too. He got short with me and then
>instead of apologizing said it was because he was hungry.
>When I was quiet, he asked if I was over it yet. Didn't
>really like that very much.

Egads, no! Kind of rude, if you ask me. Does he show this lack of respect often?

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Yes Marie, it is the same guy. However, in lots of other ways he's extremely affectionate and thoughtful. No offense taken at all. It's definitely not a friends with benefits, BUT I think he's just as leery as me because of all our stops and starts over the last 9 months and we always seem to have this same issue. I'll end it although once he beat me to the punch but then he'll call me, want to see me again and we find ourselves back in the same situation. There's a friendship and an attraction and a HUGE money issue between us. :) Or could it be a Trust issue?
 
So, there are past relationship issues for him, but maybe other parts of what is going on is his personality. You have to determine what you can and cannot live with. I know there are very good parts, from what you state, but only you can decide if you can live w/ the whole package. I know you take the good w/ the bad in a long term partner, but I believe there are limits to both ends of the spectrum. It this were me, and I am only giving a general opinion here, I would not want to plan a future with someone who makes me feel that way. This is only what I am gathering thus far so you can take it or leave it. I hope this does help some.


Live with sincerity, love with passion, and dance like you mean it.

Debbie
 
My perspective...

I'm 23, and I guess I'm kind of modern on this. I think it is unfair if either party has to pay all the time. When you are first dating, I think it is nice to split the bill. If one person says they'll take care of it, the other gets it the next time. If he pays for the movie, you pay for the popcorn.

I think of it this way... If we automatically expect men to pay, we are taking ourselves back in time. Do we want to go back to a time where men had most of the power? Probably not. Just my opinion.
 
I'm like Gayle. But regardless of that, it should NEVER be a struggle. When I was dating my DH, we would both try to pay and then both give in and let the other pay half or say you can get it next time. Both parties should be erring on the side of being generous and caring, and nobody should be trying to get out of paying. It sounds like you're both trying to get out of paying, and I don't think a good note to start out on. If neither one of you is feeling generous towards the other, frankly I think that tells you a lot about the relationship.

-Nancy
 
Wow, I can't believe some of the replies on this!!!

Ok..........VERY strong opinions on this one DivaGirl.

I know you have expressed frustrations with dating and finding the right guy in other posts. I know dating gets old BUT DON'T EVER LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE IN A HURRY TO FIND LOVE.
So many of my friends have done this and are treated like crap now by their DH's or significant others. I never did that and I found one of the most wonderful men out there!

As far as paying?? I am somewhat old fashioned in the sense that the first couple of weeks I do expect the man to pay, unless he was really, really broke. I think if he is really interested and really likes me he will makes sacrifices in other areas. If he is really broke, he better sit down with me and say he would like to pay but can't. Period.

After the initial phase, I would say whoever asks the other out should pay. If you invite him, it is your responsibility. BUT, if he asks you out, he should be able to pay for it or explain why he can't (and it better be a good reason) without snide comments or telling you after the dinner has already been eaten.

Based on his comments, I think you should lose him. If he asked whether you are "over it yet" he is treating you bad and you are letting him. No offense here PLEASE, but are you codependent? Seriously, analyze what you want out of a man and stick to that. If you really think men should pay don't compromise on that. There are men out there that will cut out their Starbucks to pay for you. Most men, if they cut out other things, can afford to take you on dates. Assuming you are not getting drunk on $6 martinis. I mean, the expense has to be within reason. You expect certain things out of a relationship. Figure out what those things are. The way he is treating you now, he might as well have a neon sign that says "YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT TO ME". Sounds harsh, but do you think that is the case??

Plus, you say he is "fixing up" his house. I am assuming those projects are not necessary, fundamental things. If it is just home improvement, well, no sympathy there. He has to decide whether he wants home improvement right now or if he wants to pursue a life partner. Dating costs money. If you don't have it, don't ask women out on dates. Period. The fact that you dated him before with these problems, and the fact that they keep happening, is a total red flag. Basically, he is saying to you that his home improvement is more important to you right now. Yeah, no thanks!!!!

I am curious. When this guy calls you to get back together, do you wind up in bed???? I have many girlfriends that are in this vicious circle with their "boyfriends". No good....

You are worth it. DON'T COMPROMISE ON WHAT YOU WANT.

I am sure you will make the right decision for you. ;-)
 
Diva Girl -

If y'all have been dating on and off for 9 months, then maybe it is time to start sharing in the expenses. When I was dating my DH, we started out with him paying for everything and going out on real dates. When it got to the point where we were just a couple and hanging out at home with take out food and renting a movie, it was time to start splitting. We were both in school and didn't have a lot of extra cash, so we knew to keep everything within reason. He took me out to some nice steak dinners to begin with, but after that, it was just not within his budget to do it all the time.

His comment about "used to spend $6 and now spending $60" sounds like he may think you are taking advantage of him and he therefore might have some fear and resentment about that. He is trying to figure you out, just like you are trying to figure him out. If he thinks you are dating him just to get some free drinks, then he might not be sure that you truly like him.

But in the end, regardless of who pays, he should always treat you with the upmost respect. If he is not treating you with respect, than just lose him. I don't think that comments about how much he is paying is necessarily disrepectful, he may just be trying to hint at you that he is ready to start splitting the bill, without having to actually tell you straight out.
 
>Been dating a guy for a while and he knows that I don't do
>dutch dates since he tried that once before when we dated
>months ago.

That says it all right there. You had expectations. You made them known. If he can't pay, don't go. He will quickly realize that if you are important enough, he will have to make sacrifices or make dinner for you and eat at home (that is an option too, you know
:) )
 
I was just reading this over again and thinking about your situation. I think that the issue is that, like most women, you want him to wine and dine you and show you how much that he wants you to become someone special in his life. That is the typical way a dating relationship starts. After a while, you would generally become a couple and not go out to fancy dinners any more and just split the cost according to your income. However, your situation is a little different. You have stopped and started several times, so maybe you never got to the point where you are in a serious dating relationship where you would feel comfortable enough to not worry about the wining and dining. So you still feel that he needs to start over again each time and show you how serious his intentions are by paying for you. But from his perspective, he was probably happy to pay for you at first, but is now tired of having to start over again each time and show you that he cares by paying for you. He is also a bit put off by the fact that after all this time, you are still insisting that he pay.

So what you both need essentially is the same. You both need to know that the other person has the right intentions going into this relationship. So I think you may be right when you said that maybe it is not a "money" issue, but a trust issue.
 
>Isn't a guy basically supposed to show the girl a good time
>and pick up most of the tab without a question?
Yeah, back in the day when women "put out" in exchange for being pampered.

If he invited, then maybe he should pay, but I think after you've been out with someone for a while, dutch is the fairest way to go.
 
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