TarHeelMom
Cathlete
Hi Cathe!
How terrific to hear from you and that you're all doing so wonderfully! I hear you about having those pesky computer problems -- been there, done that way too many times.
I've also lived through those first few weeks with a First Little Boy wanting to treat New Baby Brother like a rag doll! Just thought I'd pass along a little idea to you for what it's worth -- take it or leave it, as some famous person often says. ;-)
When Evan was born, Alex was 2 years + 7 months -- not too far off Eric's age. He did exactly what you're describing -- he treated Ev like a little toy even after he seemed to get pretty happily adjusted to Evan's being around. We didn't see many outward signs of jealousy or frustration or anger toward Evan, but we figured that Alex must be feeling some negative emotions because he was so unaccustomed to sharing his parents' time, and that maybe the attempted "man-handling" of Evan had a little bit of aggression in it. It got a little nerve-wracking after a while to have to watch them both like a hawk.
I spoke to my pediatrician about the situation and he suggested an idea to me that ended up working very well for us. He said to buy Alex a new stuffed animal, a really cool one that he'd love, and to present it to Alex with a special "letter from Evan." The letter said something like this:
"Dear Big Brother Alex,
Mommy and Daddy helped me pick out this special present for you. It's a big lion (that was Alex's favorite animal at the time
) that you can name and keep with you all the time. I'm still too little to play with you, so while I'm growing bigger, I would like for you to play with this cool lion whenever you feel like playing with me. And if you're feeling unhappy with me or mad at me, you can punch or shake the lion. That won't hurt him, but it would hurt me if you did that to me. When I get bigger we can play and talk and wrestle around and stuff. I'm really looking forward to that.
Love, Your Brother Evan"
We read the letter to Alex. We reminded him (for the umpteenth time) that it isn't right to be aggressive or violent with others, especially those who are littler than you, and it isn't okay to punch, hit, squeeze, shake, bounce, etc. another person, especially a baby. And, we said, when a baby's as little as your brother is, you can't even safely PLAY with him physically. BUT, we said, it IS okay and perfectly normal to sometimes feel frustrated or angry or annoyed or jealous about your brother, and to WANT to punch him, squeeze him, etc., and it IS okay to WANT to play with your brother. So, we said, we think Evan's given you a very special present and a great idea --when you're feeling those angry or annoyed or frustrated things about Evan, or you're just wanting to play with Evan, you go and get your lion instead.
I thought the whole thing might be a bit much for a child Alex's age to absorb, but I figured heck, we'll give it a try. Well, I'll tell you, it really worked.
We reinforced the messages from Evan's letter a lot over the next couple of weeks, and we began to see a real change in Alex's behavior and attitude toward Evan. The most dramatic was that he almost completely stopped trying to "play" with Evan like a stuffed animal. That was wonderful. But we also began to feel that Alex was using the lion to "vent" some completely normal confusion and jealousy about Evan, and that was gratifying, too. For example, if I was feeding Evan and knew I couldn't give Alex my attention at that moment, I would say "Alex, honey, why don't you go get Punchy (the lion's name) and you guys sit with me while I feed your brother, and we'll watch Sesame Street, okay?" And sure enough, Alex would get Punchy and he'd sit by my side while I fed Evan, all the while pulling on the lion's ears or yanking its tail. It seemed to me that he was using the lion in the intended way, even if he couldn't articulate that or wasn't even aware of exactly what he was doing.
The other thing we did, and obviously you and Jon are doing it so well, is to reinforce just CONSTANTLY to Alex that Evan had not taken his place, and that we adored him, and that he had his Mommy and Daddy's WHOLE hearts, not just a "half" of our hearts now. I used to tell him that it felt like God let me and Daddy grow another whole heart just to hold our new love for Evan, and of course that made sense for God to do because our FIRST hearts were all totally filled up with love for our FIRST baby boy! That story always produced a giggle and a hug.
I hope this idea might help a bit -- I remember so well what a wild time those first few weeks and months of having two little ones are, with so many adjustments for everyone to make. It's an emotional roller coaster for sure -- mostly unbelievable joy, but of course constant great fatigue (it's no coincidence that it's harder to recover from this second pregnancy!) and also a little worry that your first child is feeling secure and loved and not neglected. And if you're devoting time to Number One, you worry that your SECOND child is getting his fair share of you, too --- and then what about a "fair share" of your time and energy for your husband, or for yourself? It's a challenge!
Take extra good care of yourself and let us hear from you when you have time. We'll be right here (just like ET says) ready to start chattering about the next video series, and waiting for more Fernee Brothers pictures!
One last little side note: I was thinking about all of this earlier this morning after reading your post, and I told Alex what I was going to write to you about. He's 15 now, you know. He remembered all of this -- the lion, the explanation, and how his parents had TWO HEARTS. And the TWO HEARTS memory produced a smile (well, at 15 he's too cool to giggle, I guess!) and a big hug! Woo Hoo!!! So glad to see he's not too old for that!!!
http://www.clicksmilie.de/sammlung/sport/sport003.gif Kathy S.
How terrific to hear from you and that you're all doing so wonderfully! I hear you about having those pesky computer problems -- been there, done that way too many times.
I've also lived through those first few weeks with a First Little Boy wanting to treat New Baby Brother like a rag doll! Just thought I'd pass along a little idea to you for what it's worth -- take it or leave it, as some famous person often says. ;-)
When Evan was born, Alex was 2 years + 7 months -- not too far off Eric's age. He did exactly what you're describing -- he treated Ev like a little toy even after he seemed to get pretty happily adjusted to Evan's being around. We didn't see many outward signs of jealousy or frustration or anger toward Evan, but we figured that Alex must be feeling some negative emotions because he was so unaccustomed to sharing his parents' time, and that maybe the attempted "man-handling" of Evan had a little bit of aggression in it. It got a little nerve-wracking after a while to have to watch them both like a hawk.
I spoke to my pediatrician about the situation and he suggested an idea to me that ended up working very well for us. He said to buy Alex a new stuffed animal, a really cool one that he'd love, and to present it to Alex with a special "letter from Evan." The letter said something like this:
"Dear Big Brother Alex,
Mommy and Daddy helped me pick out this special present for you. It's a big lion (that was Alex's favorite animal at the time
) that you can name and keep with you all the time. I'm still too little to play with you, so while I'm growing bigger, I would like for you to play with this cool lion whenever you feel like playing with me. And if you're feeling unhappy with me or mad at me, you can punch or shake the lion. That won't hurt him, but it would hurt me if you did that to me. When I get bigger we can play and talk and wrestle around and stuff. I'm really looking forward to that.Love, Your Brother Evan"
We read the letter to Alex. We reminded him (for the umpteenth time) that it isn't right to be aggressive or violent with others, especially those who are littler than you, and it isn't okay to punch, hit, squeeze, shake, bounce, etc. another person, especially a baby. And, we said, when a baby's as little as your brother is, you can't even safely PLAY with him physically. BUT, we said, it IS okay and perfectly normal to sometimes feel frustrated or angry or annoyed or jealous about your brother, and to WANT to punch him, squeeze him, etc., and it IS okay to WANT to play with your brother. So, we said, we think Evan's given you a very special present and a great idea --when you're feeling those angry or annoyed or frustrated things about Evan, or you're just wanting to play with Evan, you go and get your lion instead.
I thought the whole thing might be a bit much for a child Alex's age to absorb, but I figured heck, we'll give it a try. Well, I'll tell you, it really worked.
We reinforced the messages from Evan's letter a lot over the next couple of weeks, and we began to see a real change in Alex's behavior and attitude toward Evan. The most dramatic was that he almost completely stopped trying to "play" with Evan like a stuffed animal. That was wonderful. But we also began to feel that Alex was using the lion to "vent" some completely normal confusion and jealousy about Evan, and that was gratifying, too. For example, if I was feeding Evan and knew I couldn't give Alex my attention at that moment, I would say "Alex, honey, why don't you go get Punchy (the lion's name) and you guys sit with me while I feed your brother, and we'll watch Sesame Street, okay?" And sure enough, Alex would get Punchy and he'd sit by my side while I fed Evan, all the while pulling on the lion's ears or yanking its tail. It seemed to me that he was using the lion in the intended way, even if he couldn't articulate that or wasn't even aware of exactly what he was doing.
The other thing we did, and obviously you and Jon are doing it so well, is to reinforce just CONSTANTLY to Alex that Evan had not taken his place, and that we adored him, and that he had his Mommy and Daddy's WHOLE hearts, not just a "half" of our hearts now. I used to tell him that it felt like God let me and Daddy grow another whole heart just to hold our new love for Evan, and of course that made sense for God to do because our FIRST hearts were all totally filled up with love for our FIRST baby boy! That story always produced a giggle and a hug.
I hope this idea might help a bit -- I remember so well what a wild time those first few weeks and months of having two little ones are, with so many adjustments for everyone to make. It's an emotional roller coaster for sure -- mostly unbelievable joy, but of course constant great fatigue (it's no coincidence that it's harder to recover from this second pregnancy!) and also a little worry that your first child is feeling secure and loved and not neglected. And if you're devoting time to Number One, you worry that your SECOND child is getting his fair share of you, too --- and then what about a "fair share" of your time and energy for your husband, or for yourself? It's a challenge!
Take extra good care of yourself and let us hear from you when you have time. We'll be right here (just like ET says
) ready to start chattering about the next video series, and waiting for more Fernee Brothers pictures!One last little side note: I was thinking about all of this earlier this morning after reading your post, and I told Alex what I was going to write to you about. He's 15 now, you know. He remembered all of this -- the lion, the explanation, and how his parents had TWO HEARTS.
And the TWO HEARTS memory produced a smile (well, at 15 he's too cool to giggle, I guess!) and a big hug! Woo Hoo!!! So glad to see he's not too old for that!!!http://www.clicksmilie.de/sammlung/sport/sport003.gif Kathy S.
