Can You Love Someone But Not Like Them?

[Jonezie]

I think I've figured out a subject for my dissertation when I start my Ph.D program. Because I've tried to do some research on this subject but there just isn't a lot out there. Here's the thing. My ex-boyfriend and I stopped dating about a year and a half ago. And I promised him...promised...that we could stay friends and that I would always be there if he needed me. But we've been spending time together lately...once or twice a week...and I'm finding that I can't STAND to be around him.

It's hard for me to say this, and perhaps it's more accurate to say I can't stand who I AM around him. It's hard for me to be his friend and not comment on his life, especially since he so often calls me for advice. Like when we are watching TV and he's sees a woman he can't stand and calls her the b-word (We get into big arguments about this but I just don't want to hear that, you know) while simultaneously flipping off the TV. Or when he complains to me all the time about not having any money (the government is, in fact, garnishing his wages because he totally bailed on a student loan) and then spends the little money his dad left him when he passed away earlier this year on a motorcycle.

He is a good man underneath his thick candy shell...and I feel like I made a promise to him that I shouldn't break. But I feel like I can be more loving towards him when he is not standing in front of me. When we are together, I feel like the most horrible version of myself. Uninspired, bitchy, critical...the word ogre comes to mind.

This man doesn't have any family left, except for a distant brother. And not a lot of friends in the area. And he tells me I am his closest friend. But how can he still want to hang out with me when all we do together is argue?

Have any of you had this experience? With a friend? An ex? I'd love to hear how you handled it.

Thanks!

Jonezie

 

[RapidBreath]

Just let him go. Don't be his friend. You would have stayed together if it was going to work. Don't do this to yourself.

 

[LasVegasFitGirl]

FAMILY MEMBERS!

I'm sure there's a bazillion examples of people who love members of their family but can't stand to be around them.

 

[janie1234]

I'm sure there's a bazillion examples of people who love members of their family but can't stand to be around them.

Yup! I'm raising my hand on this one. Sometimes in order to like myself I have to stay away from family. There are times when I feel like they suck the life out of me and that makes me not like myself. I say slowly wean yourself off of him, . .then tuck tail and run. Doesn't mean you are not still friends but you have to think of you and his impact on you.

 

[DirtDiva]

Jonezie, I think most of us who have lived several decades knows someone like this. I feel that way at times about my own husband . I think when two people become really close, there is that tendency to relax and you get to see an inner glimpse at the real person. After awhile that becomes the norm if there are no complaints, and the other person figures you accept them for who they are...which is a classic female trait after all. Thankfully as we get older and smarter and lose some of that excess estrogen, we can just tell it like it is, which is why I think you are less willing to tolerate that now. Did you ever notice that people treat you how you *allow* them to treat you? I think its hard to walk away from someone you have loved and shared with, but at the same time I'd limit my exposure. For some reason I am seeing you with a stopwatch and chanting: "wait for it"...the next time you are together.

 

[Jonezie]

Jonezie, I think most of us who have lived several decades knows someone like this. I feel that way at times about my own husband . I think when two people become really close, there is that tendency to relax and you get to see an inner glimpse at the real person. After awhile that becomes the norm if there are no complaints, and the other person figures you accept them for who they are...which is a classic female trait after all. Thankfully as we get older and smarter and lose some of that excess estrogen, we can just tell it like it is, which is why I think you are less willing to tolerate that now. Did you ever notice that people treat you how you *allow* them to treat you? I think its hard to walk away from someone you have loved and shared with, but at the same time I'd limit my exposure. For some reason I am seeing you with a stopwatch and chanting: "wait for it"...the next time you are together.

DirtDiva...LOL! That's actually not a bad idea...limiting my time with him. And maybe meeting in a neutral place instead of him hanging out at my house for hours. And Janie, I like the idea of weaning, then running.

Thanks to all of you for responded! You're right. We all have family members we love but don't like to be around. But they're family, so you're gonna have to see them sooner or later. But what about friends? I read a book once that said you should eliminate all friendships that don't mutually benefit both parties (i.e. where you are giving more that you are receiving a majority of the time). But breaking up with friends is HARD to do! Is there a friendly way to say "I'm just not that into you?"

Jonezie

 

[Calee]

This doesn't help at all, but wanted to add my vote to FAMILY members. I want to support them and be accepting, but at the same time these same people make me want to pull my hair out.
I have heard as someone mentioned, all of the relationships in our lives should be symbiotic not parasitic. If only we could all follow that advice! My stress levels would drop instantly .

 

[fitatfifty]

Hi,
You know often times we do not listen to our gut feelings. I have learned over the years that when I am in someone's company regardless if it is a close friend or aquaintence I am aware of how I make them feel and how they make me feel. The results become very obvious and then I know what to do. Choose wisely who you really want in your life based on your values as your time is just as valuable as their's. HTH.

 

[carres1973]

Oh, goodness yes! I love my children but don't like them half the time! They drive me absolutely INSANE! And just like you with your ex, I don't like the person I am around them sometimes. I yell and nag at them more than I do my husband! It doesn't help that my daughter is 12 and has already started the eye-rolling and major attitude! UUGGHH!!!

I am not sure what you should do about your ex. The thing is, he isn't family, so you aren't "stuck" with him but he is counting on you as if you were family. Is there anything that calms you? Maybe do yoga or meditate before you guys get together. Find an object (preferably something you can't injure him with!) and bring that with you to focus on when you start to become "ogre-like." Or, gently explain to him that you don't like the person you become when the two of you are together and ask if you can go your separate ways.

Carrie

 

[LasVegasFitGirl]

Friends?

I choose not to have friends that don't have the same view of life as me or drag me down. Same with family and I don't HAVE to see them. I can love them and be respectful to them, but they do not have to be part of my life. Plus, the most important people in my life are my husband and kids. I put the majority of my energy in them.

 

[MidgetDogg]

I've had that experience, but when I do... I cut the person out of my life. The negative energy that is generated is just too much of a stresser for me. I can't stand to be in the same room with my ex-husband for more than 5 minutes. He irritates the bejeezus out of me and I feel the tension creeping up my spine almost immediately.

I enjoy being by myself enough to not bother with people that don't make me happy. And I know enough people who I really do enjoy. Let the ex find a new friend.

 

[Jonezie]

Or, gently explain to him that you don't like the person you become when the two of you are together and ask if you can go your separate ways.

Carrie

Carrie...LOL! This is where the ogre part comes in. I love how you say "gently explain to him." And you're right...that's how a nice person would do it. But with him, my fangs just seem to come out. I've been anything but gentle about telling him that I don't like us together. And yet...he still wants to come around. He seems to be more afraid of being alone than being in a positive relationship (which I don't get). And he pulls this on me...he says "I KNEW you were going to abandon me. I knew it!!" And then I feel this guilt...and intense desire to not be a foregone conclusion. To not be the one who "abandons him." You would think I would know better...that I wouldn't fall for this...but I just don't know what to say to him.

I've had that experience, but when I do... I cut the person out of my life. The negative energy that is generated is just too much of a stresser for me. I can't stand to be in the same room with my ex-husband for more than 5 minutes. He irritates the bejeezus out of me and I feel the tension creeping up my spine almost immediately.

I enjoy being by myself enough to not bother with people that don't make me happy. And I know enough people who I really do enjoy. Let the ex find a new friend.

MidgetDogg...it's so true! I look back at this person that I was with for two years and think "HOW in THE WORLD did you date him?!?" I can't stand to be around him for more than a couple of hours at a time. And I hope you all understand where I'm coming from...but I'm almost embarrassed that we dated. I wonder if anyone else has had this experience. Not because he was, or is, in any way a bad person. But because I settled for someone that was so not in alignment with who I am.

I think that's why it's hard to be around him. When I'm with him, I HAVE to be the person I was. And not the person I've become. But how do you make someone understand that? Without crushing their feelings? Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about his feelings...but I do.

Thanks...to everyone...for listening and giving me such great input!

Jonezie

 

[Fit_mommy]

Oh yes! I love a certain cousin of mine because he's blood and I grew up with him, blah blah blah but I do not like him anymore because of what he has said and done to his mother (my aunt) over the past few years. They got in an argument over something pretty trivial which somehow snow balled and ended in him screaming at her and telling her she will never see her grandkids again. He walked out and that was the last she heard from him. Very sad, very uncalled and I can not stand him for it.