Being integrated into a step-family

R

red_mct

Cathlete
Ladies, I would appreciate your perspective.

As some of you may recall, I have two sons from my first marriage. I am engaged to a (usually) wonderful guy who also has a son from his first marriage (a lot older than my kids, though). My SO and I have been together for four years (off and on - we had a distance relationship in the beginning) and have lived together for the last year. We were officially engaged at Xmas but we have not set a date yet. Anyway, this weekend his parents had a big wedding anniversary party, and as a gift for them, his sisters arranged for a photographer to take a professional picture of the grandchildren. They told my SO beforehand that it was "grandchildren only," which of course meant that my kids were not welcome.

So... intellectually, I understand their reasoning, but emotionally it felt like such a blow to me, and a clear indication that they don't and won't consider me or my children part of the family. Needless to say, this really colored my interaction with them for the rest of the weekend. I was really really upset about this after the party. My SO and I talked it out but I feel bad even saying anything; I mean, this is his family and they have a right to do what they wish.

If you're still reading this, thanks. My questions: am I overreacting? How would you feel in this situation? Should I have said something? I should note that his parents made a point to introduce my kids as their "future step-grandchildren," which really sent me to the bathroom in tears after everything else. So it's just his sisters who are insisting on the distinction...
 
Marie, {{{{{HUGS}}}}}. I would've felt bad, too. I'm so glad that his parents were warm, loving, and welcoming to your kids and that's the most important thing, I think.

Are his sisters generally cool towards you and your children or did this just seem to come out of the blue? Is is possible that they don't view you as "family" at the moment simply because you're not married yet? Do you think they would've included you if you and your SO were married?

That had to be tough, Marie, but you're a class act and I'm sure you handled it with class and grace.
 
No, I don't think you're overreacting. I'm sure his family, or sisters, or whoever made this hurtful decision did not realize it would hurt you, but nevertheless of course it would make you feel bad.

I have to say, having once had a stepdaughter myself, that stepfamilies cause some of the most emotional & difficult situations I've ever experienced. I didn't have the added factor of my own children, but it was definitely THE biggest challenge in our relationship.

My advice to you is to try not to take this stuff too personally. I think as time goes by & your new in-laws begin to feel as though you're truly a part of their family these types of things will stop happening. Keep your chin up & remember how much you love your fiance.

You'll have to do quite a bit of that in the years to come, stepkids or no stepkids.......after all, he is a man......;-)
 
Red Mct,

I hope once you are married and officially in the family, they will change. Any hoo, I for one, since you have already showed that being together for four years is serious business, I would have had your children in on the pictures. You are already, (in your heart and mind), are part of that family. Seems his parents understand that. You just never know what other people think. Except it and go on. You and he alone, have an extended family, so just concentrate on that for now. That is a huge step.

Take care,

Janie

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all."
-My mother, Mary Cooper-
 
I hate to say this, but I am going to side with the SO sisters. First, you are not married yet. Even after 4 years, things happen.

Here is my story...Just before I got married my Aunt and Uncle took in a foster child. My aunt (to whom I am close to) assume the foster child would be invited to the wedding. My Aunt considered the foster child her own. My mom had to explain to my aunt that the child would not be invited. My aunt and uncle took it well, I think. My mom and I thought, everyone is going to ask who this kid is in the pictures, and I would have had to answer "My Aunt's foster child." I thought that would be strange. .....Fast forward 4 years, my aunt and uncle adopted the foster child, great kid and 1st cousin....Today, 15 years later, Yes, it would be great to have my cousin in the pictures and video, but that is the choice I made.
 
Marie - It's a very tough situation. I can kind of see both sides - as I have two step kids myself, but I think it was really cruel of your SO's sisters to make such a stipulation when everyone was there. My step kids live with us full time, and we have had the standard step parent/step kid issues, but I have to say that whenever the kids were with us to any family function (even extended family - I have a huge extended family, and even before I was legally married to my DH) they were welcomed with open arms and included in every photo. They are, after all, kids, and should never be made to feel unwelcome or not good enough in any way.
 
Marie--My DH's family has been torn apart because of these situations and, unfortunately, I have been viewed as "Switzerland" within the dynamic, and have been part of numerous uncomfortable situations. The advice I always give is to communicate. Hopefully, your SO's sisters didn't realize the hurt they would cause by their actions, and would feel terrible if they knew. Talk to them about it. Be open, curious, and nonconfrontational. Try to just gather info on why they made this decision and then you will be better prepared to handle the emotions that it caused. I am sorry that you and your children are going through this. :)
 
I can see why your feelings were hurt but I can also see where the SO's family is coming from. You two aren't actually married yet so I wouldn't include you in family "professional" photographs until you are. Also, regarding the kids I don't think it is fair to expect that just because you and SO are together that everyone in the family has to accept your kids as their own. Would be nice if they did but sometimes it takes time a long time.

My brother has been in a SERIES of long term relationship (two marriages) with women most of these woman have had children. With the stepkids from the first marrige we TOTALLY and completed integrated them into the family from the first meeting and then after the divorce we NEVER saw the kids again. My brother's ex wouldn't let us anywhere near them. Literally broke our hearts. So, now we are lot more cautious.


KIM
 
My DH's family accepted my kids for the most part. MIL and FIL treat them the same as all the ones "born into the family". I do have two BIL's who don't.

Oh well, different people see things differently. I am thankful for my MIL since my own mother passed away when I was 25, Dad remarried and he passed away when my kids were nearing the end of elementary. Unfortunately, my Step Mom hasn't spoken to anyone in the family since Dad left us.

And my Ex's parents have been gone quite a while also. My IL's are what my children have left. So thankful they accepted all of us the way they did.

Keep positive and possibly after you are married things will change. If not, as mentioned before, build your own family unit and possibly some "pseudo in laws" who will give your children the love they deserve from extended family.
 
Big Dicisions in stepfamilies. I can see this from both sides. Since you two are getting married, your children should have been included in picture. But on the other hand, since you are not marrried yet, i can see why they don't want to take a chance with having your children in picture.
I am about to have to make a dicision kinda like that too. Me & husband is celebrating 25th Wedding Anniversary in November. I want to put it in the local newspaper along with our picture & list of our kids & grandkids names. The thing is we have 2 kids & 5 grandkids together, & he has 3 kids from a previous marriage, whom one of them is not his bilogical kid. And also 8 grandkids from his previous marriage. Since we have a poor relationship with his "other" kids & grandkids, because they do not call or come around & have anything to do with us, their mom has alot to do with that. I really do not want to list their names in the paper, I really just want to put "our" kids & grandkids.
But i was thinking if i did include them, i would just list them as (Also 3 children & 8 grandchildren from a previous relationship), & leave it at that. Because these kids of his do not celebrate our anniversary. When they were kids, they had high hopes of their mom & dad getting back together, although that was never gonna happen, i busted their bubble when we got married. They are grown & got kids of their own & still act just as childish as they did back then.
 
Marie, first off, ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))!

I am really removed from this kind of decision so I don't know if I can offer anything, really. My DH is a stepson though and I've been curious over the past 8 years together how his family handles situations similar to yours.

First off, I suggest perhaps talking to your future sisters-in-law about this issue so you can see where they are coming from. Of course I'm absolutely sure it has nothing to do with YOU or your kids! Perhaps this is the first time they've had step-anythings in their larger family and aren't quite sure what to do with it. I know I wouldn't!!! So I hope you can talk it out with them... not specifically about your kids by name, but perhaps more generally ask them how they would like you to refer to them to your own kids (step-Aunt? Aunt? etc) and maybe start a dialogue that way. I think it would be absolutely fantastic if you could do so with your future parents in law as well, since you already know you appreciate their attitude. Maybe they can help you out by "balancing out" the room, and offering their perspective to their daughters about What Family Is to them.

This is clearly an emotional issue for you since it's dealing with both yourself and your kids! I can see their side to things when it comes to family photos, though. I know I *definitely* felt odd being invited to stand next to my future DH at his sister's wedding (as it was the first time I'd met her!!! but the photo was just DH and me, none of his family) but I also felt equally strange excluding my future BIL (who is now my ex-BIL, :() from my wedding photos. I did so because they weren't engaged at the time. I also know I will look to my DH for guidance when it comes to steps in my own family in the future.

All said, I just think in dealing particularly with weddings (and wills, but that's a different post!), lines need to be drawn. I know it's a hugely emotional issue and I would like to think I would have drawn a different line than your future SIL did, but I can't be sure. I JUST WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE ONE PHOTO AT ONE WEDDING DOES NOT DETERMINE HOW THE REST OF YOUR RELATIONS WILL GO WITH YOUR IN LAWS. I think that is extremely important!!!

All the best, Marie.
 
Marie,
What a difficult situation to be in. My FIL remarried after most of his kids were grown (DH is the youngest and he was 16 when FIL remarried). At our wedding we had three family photos - one with just MIL, one with FIL and wife, and one with everyone.

All of our nieces and nephews refer to FIL's wife as "Marguerite", even though they were married at the time that the children were born. Our DD is the only one who calls FIL's wife Grandma. My MIL (I con't ever think of her as a step MIL) has told me how much that means to her. It hurts her that none of the other grandhcildren call her Grandma. But that's my situation, not yours.

It's too late to go back and change anything about that weekend. You can't change the past. Let them know you were hurt, that you hope it's not an indication of how they feel about you and your kids. But AmyG is right - don't let one photo or one weeked determine how the rest of your relations will go.

Good luck and lots of {{{{{HUGS}}}}}!!


"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Satchel Paige
 
Marie, first of all lots of (((((hugs))))). You really need to have this issue clarified before you marry, cause if your in laws don't accept you and your children now, they won't after the marriage. I have lived this for 24 years and it has been hell. My step children are my age , and my grandchildren are close to the same age as my children. They grew up together stayed in my home three to 4 weeks in the summer. You would think they would be close right, not.I came close to divorcing my husband over issues with his kids and i still don't know what happened there, all i can say is God intervened. His girls are being "nice", but don't turn your back on them.
I think since you and your SO are planning on getting married they could have done a shot of your kids in one of the photos.
These types of situations really breaks my heart, people are people and we're supposed to love one another. I can't see ever hurting a child in any way and esp. their feelings.
Talk to your future spouse and make sure your future- in- laws are accepting you and the boys.
Usually if one buys a cow and it has a calf, you don't throw the calf away. ( not that i'm comparing you to a cow) you keep both. This is just an old country saying. Many blessing come your way, Pam
 
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