At What Age Should I Have "The Talk" With My Daughters?

aveggiegirl

aveggiegirl

Cathlete
My girls are 8 and 5 years old. My "plan" was to wait until they started asking me questions. At this time in their lives I do not feel they are ready for me to bring it up. However, the deacon at our church has been speaking very openly about topics such as contraception, abortion, pre-marital s*x, etc. (I do not want this post to lead into a debate about these issues, please.) I am very uncomfortable when he talks about these subjects when my daughters are there. Last week I took my girls to another church. I have been attending church for over 40 years and he is the only one who has ever been so frank about this.

Today my husband spoke to him about this. DH did not ask him to change what he says but to post in the bulletin when he is going to be the speaker for the next week. DH told the deacon that he didn't think the words were appropriate for a 5 and 8 year old. The deacon disagreed, saying that this would be an opportunity to have a conversation with my children before they hear it on the playground. The deacon, I believe, has good intentions. He has two girls and one day his daughter, when she was younger, came home from school asking questions about things she heard from her friends. I can see his point...but I just don't know......

What do you think? BTW...I never asked my mother any questions and at 40 years old I am still waiting for her to have the talk with me. ;)
 
I would stick with your original plan and talk to them when it seems like they are starting to ask questions. You know your daughters best!

I do wish my mom had talked to me more about TTM and the crazy hormone changes that go with it. I was very emotional as a teen and cried a lot without understanding why and all my mom said was "that happens sometimes."
 
I would start giving them info as needed. For example from toddler age onward, a child needs to know that inappropriate touching by someone needs to reported to a trusted adult. That no one is allowed to touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable etc. Then TOM needs to be explained to girls when they are 9 or 10. Girls are starting earlier and there is nothing scarier than a girl starting her period and not knowing anything about it. Sometimes you can feel them out by asking if they have any questions about things they may have heard about. If they are asking questions, try to make sure you understand what exactly they are asking. I remember a little story (probably from Reader's Digest) about a little boy who asks his parents, "Where did I come from?" So they got all nervous, sat him down, and started from the beginning and explained it all, where babies come from etc. After they were done speaking, the little boy gave them a bewildered look and said "Ok, Bobby, my friend, came from Cleveland."
 
I always answered questions when asked giving only the information that was asked and not offering additional information. My daughter asked all the questions by the time she was 8. My sons were older...my husband had the talk with them at 10 or 11 before it was discussed in school although my older son said he had it all figured out before then.
 
I was never talked to about those kinds of things and kind of figured them out on my own or from friends. I'm 30 now and I think I knew pretty much the whole story by the time I was 10 from friends, older cousins and magazines.

I did have a friend whose mom was extremely open about sex issues and I was always kind of jealous that my parents were so uptight. The mom kind of treated it as an ongoing conversation and would just talk about things as they came up in peoples lives or on tv, or as the kids asked questions. I think she really made it seem like a natural part of life, but that was also partly her personality - just very approachable and honest.

I'm not sure that I would wait for them to ask questions, like you and me they might never do that. I guess you have to try to judge their maturity level and talk to them when they seem like they would understand. Also, if one of them is shy it might be easier to let her know they can talk to her doctor or maybe get her a book? I think it really depends on their personality and yours, so you might have to feel them out to see when/how, but if you feel at some time they are mature enough to hear it, I don't think it could hurt aside from a bit of awkwardness. Good luck!
 
I found out about sex when I was 8 years old, because I had asked. My mom didn't go into much detail, except to explain that that's how babies were made, and then she promptly added that the proper way to go about in it is to get married first. ;) There were some awkward moments when I was 11 or 12 when girls would talk about condoms or hickeys and I had NO idea what those were (and I was mocked mercilessly for my innocence!) That said, I kind of wish I had more info on those sorts of things when I was younger because I didn't like being the only person in my middle school who didn't know about half the crap we went over in health class....but at the same time I could never in a million years imagine either of my parents talking to me about sex...we're just quiet and uptight like that. :p

I do think it might just be best to wait til they ask questions, but when they do ask questions, I'd suggest just giving them the full scoop instead of the bare minimum info. B/c honestly, I can only imagine that the older they get, the more difficult/awkward it is to talk about sex, b/c they'd rather not hear it from you, but their friends.
 
Yep, I would give them info as they are ready for it. If they ask a question give them a basic answer w/out too many details unless or until they ask more. My 8 year old hasn't asked anything yet but my 11 year old pretty much knows the basics of the birds and bees. I've got boys and my oldest has really come to me more than to my hubby. I just let him know a few years ago that anytime he has a question I would answer anything he wants to know. He was 7 when I was pregnant with my 3rd and that's where most of the questions started. I still keep things basic and on a need to know basis. He's in 5th grade and they just had a puberty class, so some more questions came up.

Perhaps if your kids heard the sermon you could ask them if they have any questions about what the Pastor talked about and if not, I wouldn't force the issue. They will go to you when they are ready. I think the important thing is just letting them know you are there to answer any questions they have. HTH!
 
You got some great advice here already. Keep an open dialogue with your children and they will let you know when they are ready to learn about a topic.

It bothers me that the Deacon disagrees with your request. Every child is different and I get irritated when people tell me when is the right time to disclose information to my child. I'm the best person to decide when it's time to talk about any topic with MY child.

I feel this way in regards to any sensitive subject, not just sex.

So I guess I'm encouraging you to not doubt yourself when it comes to your children no matter what the deacon says.
 
Thank you very much ladies. You have all given me some very good advice and much to think about. I appreciate your willingness to help me.

Have a great day!
 
The only thing I would offer is, make sure whatever decision you make, that the deciding factor is not your discomfort with the subject matter, but rather, your children's need to know. Knowledge is power in this world, and as long as you can explain it in such a way that it makes sense, is accessible to your children, and is consistent, I see no issue with giving them that knowledge earlier rather than later. The earlier you explain, the more likely you are to be able to shape the message in a way that will form their thoughts on it for the future - taking the power away from the schoolyard, the Deacon, TV and the internet.
 
I really think having small discussions leading up to more intense info is definitely ideal. TOM talk should start SOON...girls are starting earlier...some even at 9 years old. I wish my parents had had some talk with me. My info all came from school and books. Better they get it from you...

Surprised about the church thing...not sure what to tell you there. Our church has a "children's church" time when children leave and the sermon continues...
 
Well, I had the talk about puberty with my daughter when she turned 9 and it was actually kind of funny. I drew her pictures which made us both laugh. As far as The Talk... I give her little snippets here and there when the time seems right, but she has no problem asking me questions and I'm always completely honest. It actually surprises me how at ease she is with asking me and telling me things that I never would have with my mother. Then again, she's an only and I was the youngest of 3. I'm not married, so she and I hang out together a lot and talk all the time.

I think that the younger the better, just keep it at a level that's not over their heads. And she'll be acquainted with my Ob-Gyn soon too, so she's comfortable talking to the doctor about anything she isn't comfortable talking about with me.

I don't plan on saying "you have to be married first", since it's obvious to her that I don't feel marriage is for everyone and she knows my boyfriend stays over when she's at her father's. But, he's been my BF for almost 3 years, so I do stress how important it is to be mature, respectful and loving.
 
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I've been struggling with this too. My oldest boy is 9, and I'm wondering when I should start talking about things with him. I don't want to offer up info before he needs/wants to hear it... Or before he can handle hearing about it. But, I also want to make sure he is comfortable enough to ask about it. You know? So every now and then I ask him if he wants to talk about anything, or if anything is on his mind, and I assure him that he can talk to me about anything and everything. He has noticed certain things like his legs getting hairier, and I told him that soon lots of changes would start happening to his body, and that's normal and he can talk to me or his daddy any time he has any questions... I just think it's good to open the door a bit. They may want to ask something but might feel odd or embarrassed.
 
First of all, your deacon is an ass. How dare he decide that HE should dictate what your children hear or not hear.

We visited our sister church and the pastor said in his sermon that there was no Santa. My children believed in Santa at that point and I was LIVID.

Anwyay, remember that if YOU are uncomfortable talking about sex, your children will pick up on your discomfort and may never ask you questions. It's all about keeping the communication lines open which is VITAL. You want your girls to be able to feel confident that they can go to you for ANYTHING.

Shannon Ethridge has a Christian-based book for pre-teen girls called "Preparing your daughters for every woman's battle" which the women of our church are going through with our daughters. Ms. Ethridge suggests very early on - 6 or 7 I believe - because our children are sometimes thrust into circumstances beyond our control.

(There was an incident here where this teacher had the entire 2nd grade class take off their clothes and making a few of the students perform oral sex. This went on for a while!)

My daughter is 11 1/2 and is still squeamish about this topic, but I want her to know that I am not embarrassed or uncomfortable about any topic, especially something as important and complex as sex.
 
Ummmmmm---- OMG!!! To quote....


(There was an incident here where this teacher had the entire 2nd grade class take off their clothes and making a few of the students perform oral sex. This went on for a while!)


WTF?!?!?!?!??!?!?! I hope to God and all Powers that be this is not true and if it is..... this person should be jailed for the rest of their life .... AFTER some VERY serious and painful torture!!!!!!!!!!!! :mad::mad::mad:PLEASE tell me this isn't true!! My DS is in 2nd grade and this made me want to puke and hurt that person! :mad::mad::mad:

Pam
 
MadnNatsmom said:
"First of all, your deacon is an ass." :D

You just made me smile.

How dare he decide that HE should dictate what your children hear or not hear.

We visited our sister church and the pastor said in his sermon that there was no Santa. My children believed in Santa at that point and I was LIVID.:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

Anwyay, remember that if YOU are uncomfortable talking about sex, your children will pick up on your discomfort and may never ask you questions. It's all about keeping the communication lines open which is VITAL. You want your girls to be able to feel confident that they can go to you for ANYTHING.

Shannon Ethridge has a Christian-based book for pre-teen girls called "Preparing your daughters for every woman's battle" which the women of our church are going through with our daughters. Ms. Ethridge suggests very early on - 6 or 7 I believe - because our children are sometimes thrust into circumstances beyond our control.


(There was an incident here where this teacher had the entire 2nd grade class take off their clothes and making a few of the students perform oral sex. This went on for a while!):mad::mad::mad:

My daughter is 11 1/2 and is still squeamish about this topic, but I want her to know that I am not embarrassed or uncomfortable about any topic, especially something as important and complex as sex.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the suggestion about the book. I will check into it.
 
Thanks again everyone. You are all so wise.

Just to let you know, my girls do know about TOM already. They have for years beacause when they were little they would always follow me into the bathroom. They saw the box of tampons, questions were asked and I answered honestly. It was no big deal to them. They know that TOM is a woman's natural way of cleaning itself, and that it will happen to them when they get a little older.

It's all the other stuff that I'm wondering about. (They don't even know that boys have different body parts.) If they asked I would answer.

Good luck to everyone else going through the same thing.
 
pjlippert said:
Ummmmmm---- OMG!!! To quote....


(There was an incident here where this teacher had the entire 2nd grade class take off their clothes and making a few of the students perform oral sex. This went on for a while!)


WTF?!?!?!?!??!?!?! I hope to God and all Powers that be this is not true and if it is..... this person should be jailed for the rest of their life .... AFTER some VERY serious and painful torture!!!!!!!!!!!! :mad::mad::mad:PLEASE tell me this isn't true!! My DS is in 2nd grade and this made me want to puke and hurt that person! :mad::mad::mad:

Pam
Click to expand...

I wish this was untrue, but . . . :

http://www.thegrio.com/news/calif-school-eyes-accounts-of-sex-by-2nd-graders.php

The teacher claims he was not involved, but SERIOUSLY!!!!!?????????? It wasn't just ONE student. Several were involved. You can't tell me that several EIGHT year olds acted out on their own!
 
My talks with my daughter just went to a higher level this morning while she was watching A Baby Story on TLC and they mentioned condoms. That led to a "what's a condom?" which gave me the opening I needed. Little did she know what asking that question would lead to. LOL. I'm actually glad for the show for giving me an easy way to give a matter-of-fact answer.
 
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