Am I being selfish?

J

Jill L.

Active Member
I have a question... My husband lost his dad a couple of months ago. He was very ill for the past couple of years. He had congestive heart failure and renal failure. This is the first father's day since he died. We live on Long Island and my father in law lived in Florida so we never saw him on Father's day. Anyway, I was not trying to be thoughtless or anything I just out of habit invited my dad and stepdad to our home for a steak dinner. I didn't even think for a minute that this would not be okay. My husband says that he just wanted to be with just "us". Meaning me and my daughter and that since I see my family all the time, we could have made it another week. I already invited them and the plans are set so he's going along with it but says he's probably not going to eat or anything. He says I never think about anybody but myself. That remark really sent sparks... I don't know. I almost feel like he's the one being too melodramatic. But! Thank God I'm not in his position. Losing a loved one is difficult enough... Losing a parent? I don't even want to go there.

What do you guys think? Am I being too selfish? Is it too selfish to want to honor my father and step dad who have been there for me my whole life? If I knew it was going to bother him so much, I guess I could have just taken them to breakfast or something and then we could have had the rest of the day to mope together which is what he is planning to do.

Help!!

Jill
 
I don't think you're being selfish. Grief is hard, but life goes on, and eventually he'll probably see that. Father's Day is a day to honor father's in our lives. Maybe, he could honor his father in some special way on that day too. I think if he needed to skip out on what you were doing that would be okay, and everybody should be understanding of that. I once planted a tulip garden in honor of someone I lost. I've heard of people having a drum circle, a day in prayer, celebrating, buying a boat, going on a trip, or whatever might celebrate that persons life.
Heather
 
Hi Jill.

Gosh, there are so many ways to look at this. While I can understand your husband's pain and not wanting to really celebrate this coming Father's Day, as much as he feels YOU are selfish, he is being selfish too. I think there could have been a compromise made that would have made you both happy but IMO it's not your job to read his mind. If he was having issues with this Father's Day coming he should have said something to you ahead of time so that you could figure out a way that you would both be happy. He lost his father and it's a terrible thing! I know, I lost my dad 10.5 years ago a week before Christmas! Anyway, it's awful and I know how badly he must be feeling but that doesn't mean that life must stop. He needs to move on and he needs to let you feel free to celebrate the people in your life on this holiday! Sorry for rambling on...anyway...all in all...NO, I do NOT think you are being selfish. You did not know how he felt in the first place so there was no opportunity for you to offer a viable solution to the problem that would make you both happy!

HTH!:)
 
i don't think you are selfish. and i don't think he is either,he is just going through a rough moment. but he should let you spend time with your family. if he doesn't want to celebrate then maybe you all can go out to dinner and he can stay home or something. dh lost both his grandparents at this time as well(they raised him since he was 3 years old b/c his mother was VERY young). if we learned anything its to spend time with the loved ones we still have on this Earth. his grandparents were in so much pain that,while it was hard, were relieved that they were no longer in pain. we miss them but they would have wanted us to go on and continue spreading the family joy around. my dad is not my "real" dad but he took role as dad. dh would never stop me from spending ANY time, especially father's day. i don't have much time b/c of dad's illness, and you don't know what can happen tomorrow. life is short, and God has plans we are not aware of. Its importante to make these memories and have these moments to say i love you NOW, while we can. i hope dh can move on see this as well. death is hard, but its makes us learn about life.

i hope it works out for you, my condolences to your entire family for your loss.

kassia

http://www.picturetrail.com/ldy_solana

"And do what thee wilt as long as ye harm none"
 
Jill -

Hmm, this one is tough as we each grieve in our own way. But, I actually do think your DH is being selfish by expecting you to ignore the two fathers in your life because he lost his. And, I'm just awed that both men will come over at the same time - they must be pretty incredible.

As I said, we each grieve in different ways. I lost my mom in January due to cancer. We thought we had more time with her, and she died two weeks before I was scheduled to go out (my parents live across the country), and spend more time with her. I will always regret that I did not see her more. But a few days before Mother's Day, my DH got a call from his sister in India saying that his mom was in a coma. The first words out of my mouth were to go. Yes, it's different, but if he had invited to our house for Mother's Day, I would have been thrilled. As Kassia said - what my mom's death taught me is to really appreciate the people in my live as I never know when they will no longer be apart of it.

That being said, I also agree that maybe a compromise is in order. Can you and your DD take your dad and step dad out to dinner instead of cooking at home? That might just solve the issue, give your DH space to grieve and miss his dad.
 
Thank you so much for all your help. Compromise is rough. Being that he just wanted it to be "us" and leave them for a different day. I offered to leave and see them for a couple of hours but he got mad and said "see! Why do YOU have to leave?" "Why can't you just stay here with me!!" "We, (meaning him and my daughter)are your immediate family" "We come first"... I guess I just started feeling guilty like something is wrong with me. I just really don't see it that way. I know myself. If it were the other way around I would never in a million years deny him seeing anybody in his family. If it were Mother's day, Christmas anything. I look at my whole family as one unit. Not just him and my daughter. I guess that's the difference.

Oh well... I guess tomorrow is just going to be very uncomfortable. I will keep you posted.

Thank you again.... It felt good to be able to talk...

Jill
 
Jill,

You could not have been expected to read your husband's mind about this. I can see both sides. He is still obviously grieving very much and is unable to see the importance of you spending time with your fathers. Where we who are distanced from this see that your DH, due to his recent loss, should certainly understand the importance of time with your fathers while they are here.

I like the suggestion of you taking your dads out and then spending the remainder of time with your DH making him feel very special. I guess it's a time to look at the picture as if it were reversed and understand that different people grieve differently and for different lengths of time.

I wish a beautiful father's day for all the men in your life.
 
I can see DH's point - when I had a stillbirth, the last thing I wanted to do was go to a baby shower, see babies, or other pregnant woman. After the delivery, they put me on the MATERNITY WARD, which was cruel, from my vantage point. But, I was young and didn't speak up.

He wishes he could have Father's Day with his father, and it probably would hurt too much to see you share the day with your father. I don't think he's being selfish, but since you've made plans, maybe he could take that opportunity to go golfing with a buddy when you're having your dinner.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain ;-)
 
Jill, I don't think you're being selfish. And I'm not sure I'd use that word in connection with your husband either. It does seem, however, that your husband has difficulty coping with grief, and his way of coping is to isolate himself, expecting you to isolate yourself as well. It could also be that he is simply envious that your Two Dads are still living while his father is not, and that he is simply and understandable angry that his father is gone. And that anger squirts out sideways at you, because you're there.

I don't know what the answer is at this late date. I feel for you - I do think you're in for an uncomfortable time tomorrow regardless of who does what with whom. I do believe, however, that life is for the living, and your daughters deserve some time with their grandfathers, and you deserve some time with your fathers. And your fathers deserve some time with you all.

A-Jock
 
I like the idea of taking your Dad's out to eat, and allowing your DH to stay home alone if that's what he chooses. He may not be up to going out with friends that day. I don't think either of you are being selfish, and you both deserve to spend the day the way you want to.
-Nancy
 
>Jill, I don't think you're being selfish. And I'm not sure
>I'd use that word in connection with your husband either. It
>does seem, however, that your husband has difficulty coping
>with grief, and his way of coping is to isolate himself,
>expecting you to isolate yourself as well. It could also be
>that he is simply envious that your Two Dads are still living
>while his father is not, and that he is simply and
>understandable angry that his father is gone. And that anger
>squirts out sideways at you, because you're there.
>
>I don't know what the answer is at this late date. I feel for
>you - I do think you're in for an uncomfortable time tomorrow
>regardless of who does what with whom. I do believe, however,
>that life is for the living, and your daughters deserve some
>time with their grandfathers, and you deserve some time with
>your fathers. And your fathers deserve some time with you
>all.
>
>A-Jock


YEP YEP YEP! Well said, Ajock.

I don't know....I lost my Dad less than a month ago. While I will think of him often tomorrow, I am not going to wallow in sorrow. My Dad would not want that. I am going to celebrate the person he was!! I realize he is gone from my physical world now but that doesn't mean I can't have a party with him! I talk to him everyday!

I understand your husbands sorrow but I do however think it is selfish on his part to rob you of celebrating your father's life. I can maybe understand him not wanting your father and the "celebration" at your house, but why can't you leave for a bit to see your Dad? Grief or no grief, that would not fly with me. The best compromise is, you go see your Dad with the kids and go home an have a nice dinner or something with hubby. Let him know that your are sorry for his loss and acknowlege how hard this day might be on him. BUT..for him to say "it is always about you", I think that is very unfair under the circumstances.....

GOOD LUCK! You are not a bad person, just a loving daughter! My sincere condolences to your husband and your entire family. His father is at peace now. Take care.
;-)
 
Need to add here...

Your husband sounds like he may need some additional help working through his grief. Would he talk to anyone, say, a grief support group, even? If everyone has pretended that life should just go on without any more mention of his father's passing, he may be angry and need to talk. How is he doing otherwise??
 
Hi All!!

Well I just wanted to let you know that our day turned out very well!! DH was much, much better! This morning I gave him a good breakfast, my daughter made him some cute father's day gifts, I gave him some special gifts he has been wanting, we went to the cemetary, came home and both my parents came over. We went in the pool because it was a brutally hot day, had a great steak dinner and now we are just relaxing. I'm thinking that the thought of the day totally stressed him out or something. But he really was back to being his old self again. Weird.... Men in general are weird. I'm totally convinced of that. Oh well... I guess we just march on from here. I feel like I have a bunch of secret friends now. You guys are great.... Thank you so much for all your thoughts. It really helped me feel stronger about how I felt and it gave me insight as to what he could be feeling as well. Janice I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. It is a tough time no matter what. I read a great book by Dr. Weiss.... It's called "Many lives, Many Masters... Excellent reading. It's a true story. I highly recommend it. It's about a women who has the ability during hypnosis to go back into previous lives. She explains what was happening to her after she died from that life and how she is reborn into another. She also explains how the soles you meet in this lifetime are probably soles you've known in previous ones. I found that book to be very comforting for me. Not to conflict with other beliefs you may have, and I don't want to offend anybody, but it did help me.

Well thank you again.... you guys are really wonderful....

Jill
 
Oh, Jill, that happens to my mother all the time since my Dad died. She will dread a particular day, like his birthday or father's day, and then when the day actually comes she's past it and has moved on. Sounds like that's what happened to your DH. So glad you and he had a great day!! :D
-Nancy
 
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