Advice needed (not about exercise).

L

Loopy Lou

Cathlete
Hello ladies (and gents),

I know this is a very personal question and I hope that it is not offencive to anyone.
I would like to know how you would feel/what you would do if you found out that your partner had used a prostitute in the past.
I don't know what I feel, i'm very confused and upset, and need some other perspectives. Thanks.
 
Was this before you and your partner were together?

I've actually been in this situation, with my first husband. It happened before we were together, but I was more than confused and upset. Frankly, I was horrified. That sort of thing is just NOT in my realm of understanding and falls well outside my idea of moral and ethical behaviour. I can't really articulate why. It just does.

I don't really have any advice to offer you. Just lots of hugs and understanding. If this is something you can't reconcile yourself to, perhaps counselling would help?
 
I've been in that situation, too. I still don't know what I think about it. It just strikes me as so.... icky and dirty. It's important to remember that it is no way a reflection of you, though, and maybe your partner was a different person then.

((hugs)) to you.

Marie

edited because I cannot spell!
 
'I was horrified. That sort of thing is just NOT in my realm of understanding and falls well outside my idea of moral and ethical behaviour. I can't really articulate why. It just does.'

This expresses exactly how I am feeling. It was before we got together, but I still feel hugely unsettled. To make matters worse, my partner refuses to talk about it. It came up in conversation but now that I know he won't discuss it! I feel quite sick. It is probably irrational but I also think that if he was that desperate for sex then that he needed to do that, then whats to say i'm not just a free prostitute! One that also cooks for him etc. Does that make any sense? Would you end a relationship because of this?
 
> It was before we got
>together, but I still feel hugely unsettled.


I think the whole idea of prostitution is disgusting, degrading to women in general, and perpetuates the idea that women exist for the pleasure of men, but I'd bet that many men have been with prostitutes. It doesn't mean they were 'desperate for sex', maybe just that they were out drinking with 'the boys' and did it on a dare or just to try it. To get a true perspective on it, I think you'd need some male opinions, which might be quite different from those of most women.

If it happened before you got together, then it's no reflection on you.

I wouldn't end a relationship because of it, if it's the only problem.

It's in the past, and maybe it should stay there. Your partner's unwillingness to talk about it further may indicate he's embarassed about it, or that your reaction is very hostile.
 
Perhaps 'desperate for sex' was the wrong choice of words. What I mean is that if he could have had sex with someone that he knew had no feelings for him and that he had no feelings for, then what's to say he isn't doing that with me.
Katheryn, you are probably right that he was out drinking etc etc but I still don't think that makes it o.k. I wish I could be fine with this but whichever way I look at it I feel angry and disgusted. I don't want to end the relationship but I don't think I can look at him in the same way.
It is in his past. However it is very much in my present.
 
Eva, I do think it's important to recognize that men do not equate sex and love the way women do. I'm not sure if that's physiological or sociological or some combination of the two, but it is, unfortunately, the reality that men have long been given "permission" to have sex without any sort of emotional attachment to the other person, while society still sort of frowns upon women doing the same. This isn't to excuse his behavior, it's just to point out that you shouldn't put yourself in the same bucket as women he may have just slept with in the past, you know what I mean?

I'm really mangling this, but I do hope you recognize it wasn't and isn't about you. I suspect he is not talking about it because he thinks you're overreacting. (Not saying you are, just likely he thinks you are, or like Kathryn said, is embarrassed.)

Marie
 
Thank you for your input guys. It is really reassuring to know that I have somewhere I can talk about these sorts of things. I think I just need some time to digest this information.
 
Since I can't spell and even miss things when I preview the message, forgive all my edits.

Since it occurred before he knew you, I would not dwell on it.

I know this is not an easy thing to do, but please try not to dwell on something he did before he knew you.

We all do stupid things, so try to let it go.

Easier said than done, I know.

But the more you dwell on it, the worse you both will feel.

If he does not want to talk about it, then don't try to force him into a conversation about something stupid he did in the past.

He probably regrets what he did like crazy and that is why he does not want to discuss it.

The past is over and since this is prior to his knowing you, then try to get past the hurt.

It is not like he betrayed you. He did not even know you.

If my husband judged me on some of the stupid things I have done in the past, then our marriage would not have lasted the almost 20 years it has lasted.

As I said, everybody does something stupid one time or another.

I don't think you should feel you are a prostitute at all because he probably does not feel that way about you. He probably loves you with all his heart or he would not have married you.

Think about it: There is no such thing as a free prostitute. It is a contradiction of terms.

I don't know you or your husband, but I bet he feels as hurt and confused as you.

I hope you are able to resolve this hurt and confusion.

You have every right to feel that way, but his past behavior does not mean he would even think about doing it again.

God, I can't believe I wrote this.

If I offended anybody, please forgive me in advance. I am not God and I am not perfect, and at times my view is not the norm.
 
Shelley, I agree with you 150%!! Today's culture is way too lax on moral issues! It's all about choices:) Good luck!:)

Listen to your conscience.
 
Amy,

You expressed my sentiments exactly. I could not have put it into better words myself.

I do understand that it is difficult not to be disgusted and hurt by what he did, but we all do things that we later regret and we don't want to be judged on our past mistakes. (I've done somethings that I am not happy about and if I ever tell my boyfriend about it then I would hope that he could see that I was feeling 'desperate' then.) And just because he did it once, it doesn't mean that he will do it again.

If you love him then learn to let it go. Don't pressure him to talk about it if you can't discuss it without recriminations and blame. You should concerntrate on the here and now, and work to build a better future for you and your family.

Best of luck.

Yen
 
The thing is that I don't think I was over gudgemental. I tried to breach the subjuct in a friendly manner. Also, before he clammed up he said that he didn't regret it. He therefore doesn't think it was a stupid mistake. You are right about the fact that it is the past. But don't you think that it says something about his character? And if it is in the past then why can't he be open with me about it? For that matter when does the past become the past? If I did something stupid today then does that mean tomorrow it should be forgotten?
It's weird some days I feel alright about it and some I feel awful.
 
Hello Eva,

Well, I can only answer from my point of view and how I feel if somebody asks me about my past.

Suppose I told my boyfriend about something that I did in the past that I know he would consider 'good behaviour' or moral. At the time, I didn't see anything wrong with it and I still don't see it as wrong now. I don't regret it then and I don't now, but it is something that I am embarrassed about and don't want to dwell on it. It's not that I want it to be forgotten, I just don't want to be constantly reminded of it. I just want to put it behind me and concentrate on the person I am with now.

My decision to tell is because I believe a good relationship is based on trust and honesty. But, and here is where I can understand your partner's stance, I don't want to be interogated about the whys and wherefores of why I did what I did. My reasons for doing them are also in the past, they don't exist now. It's hard sometimes to explain about your past actions: what seems perfectly logical then seems ridiculous now.

What you want to know is whether he will do it again. Because he says he 'didn't regret it' you are afraid that he will do it again: if he express shame and remose then that is like telling you that it will never happen again. Why don't just ask him straight out, 'Will you ever do it again?'. If you can't live with his answer then you should seriously consider whether or not he is the person you want to be with.

He told you about it, that shows that he wants to be open and honest with you. And although he might say that he doesn't 'regret it' he, nevertheless, clammed up which shows that he is not happy (embarrassed) about it. I think you should judge him on how he treats you now rather on this one incident that happened a long time ago. Is it worth ending a relationship over this? Because if you push it too far that is what could happen.


Yen
 
Since this was before the two of you....I think it's one of those things that you should just try to stop torturing yourself with. It's in the past and you should let it go. I wouldn't ask him about it, he's probably not very proud of it and feels it has nothing to do with who he is today. LET IT GO!!!!! And when you feel it "making you crazy" do something to calm yourself.
 
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