Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship Related

R

roses_92123

Cathlete
My friend recently got engaged after a year long relationship. Prior to their engagement, both of them had numerous friends of the opposite sex.

Her SO is always getting phone calls from his "girl-friends" who call him up to talk about their relationships and asking for advice. Last night he was on the phone with one of his female friends for over 3 hours.

Now...I have mixed feelings about this. She calls me this morning and says that it never bothered her before but that she couldn't imagine being married to him and he continues to remain so close to so many females.

I really don't know what to tell her. On one hand, I want to say that she knew he had female friends when she met him. On the other hand, I think it would be appropriate for him to tone down his interaction with these other women, especially if he is getting married.

What do you ladies think? What do you consider "appropriate" conduct for your husband when it comes to relationships with other women?
 
Hey Rose, that's a hard call! I think that it must be hard, especially if he has had these friends for years. BUT 3 hours on the phone? gimme a break. I'd tell my husband (we celebrated one year a few weeks ago) that he needs to keep those conversations to a limit.I think he can have female friends, but there needs to be a line drawn where they are both comfortable too.

eerr, I don't think I helped much :)

Take care, tina
 
What is he, Dr. Phil??? Nothing wrong with female friends. Yes, tone it down though now that you are getting married (that should happen naturally, in my opinion though). No, a 3 hr conversation is not appropriate unless the there is some huge tragedy.

Just my opinion. ;)

Your friend needs to clear this up now especially if she could "never imagine being married to him" if he were to have all these female relationships. If she doesn't nip it in the bud it will end up causing major problemos.

Interesting topic!!:)
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

Rose,

I am not married, but I would not want to put the kibosh on my husband's or boyfriend's friendships. If I felt a certain friendship were *too* flirtatious or if it was a matter of him talking to the SAME person every night (or frequently) at length, then I might have an issue with it. But if this female friend was having a crisis of some kind and needed a friend to talk through it, it wouldn't necessarily raise a flag for me that they'd had a three-hour conversation under those circumstances.

I have had a few longtime platonic guy friends who were forced to not have to contact with me by their girlfriends who felt threatened for no legitimate reason. It's unfortunate, IMO.

It sounds as though this guy has always had LOTS of female friends...if she trusted him before and did not suspect anything shady, why does her perspective change now that they're getting married? I think a big mistake people make is thinking or expecting that a person changes once they're married. I would think that all friendships, to some degree, will naturally get toned down a little once a couple is married, but I don't see a reason that he can't keep his female friends. If there's no trust, then there probably ought not be a wedding.

~Cathy http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/4.gif

"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and the persons we were destined to be." -George Sheehan
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

As for what to tell your friend, I would not get in the middle. It could come back to bite you in the a$$. Sometimes friends want advice on SO's but then later on they get mad. I do think that I would get mad if my DH spent 3 hours on the phone, but I would just talk to him about it and let him know how I felt.
LD
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

>Rose,
>
>I am not married, but I would not want to put the kibosh on my
>husband's or boyfriend's friendships. If I felt a certain
>friendship were *too* flirtatious or if it was a matter of him
>talking to the SAME person every night (or frequently) at
>length, then I might have an issue with it. But if this female
>friend was having a crisis of some kind and needed a friend to
>talk through it, it wouldn't necessarily raise a flag for me
>that they'd had a three-hour conversation under those
>circumstances.
>
>I have had a few longtime platonic guy friends who were forced
>to not have to contact with me by their girlfriends who felt
>threatened for no legitimate reason. It's unfortunate, IMO.
>
>It sounds as though this guy has always had LOTS of female
>friends...if she trusted him before and did not suspect
>anything shady, why does her perspective change now that
>they're getting married? I think a big mistake people make is
>thinking or expecting that a person changes once they're
>married. I would think that all friendships, to some degree,
>will naturally get toned down a little once a couple is
>married, but I don't see a reason that he can't keep his
>female friends. If there's no trust, then there probably ought
>not be a wedding.
>
>~Cathy
>http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/4.gif
>
>"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and
>the persons we were destined to be." -George Sheehan


Yeah, I agree with this pretty much. I think the guy is a bit strange but this is awesome advice! Way to go Cathy! You'd make a great wife, lol
}(
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

I think it is disrectful of the relationship for the female friends to continue calling knowing that he is getting married. It would be appropriate for the female friends to call the girlfriend and tell her the nature of the friendship. Even though it is purely platonic, I think the female friends should have enough respect of him to offer that to her.
 
I have friends male and female and have spent hours on the phone with them. It's rare, though. My DH is gone a lot (he works evenings), so he doesn't probably know I've been on the phone for so long, but it doesn't bother us.

What I get mad at is when he's on the phone with his friends (male) when I want him to pay attention to me!! :p

We are both frank with each other about all of these relationships- I don't see the point of hiding any of my relationships (or types of relationships); my DH is my primary relationship I care about, and he knows that. I guess we're both lucky that everything else pales in comparison! ;)

Bottom line, it will be different with every couple. This may sound harsh, but your friend needs to talk it out with her fiance, not you.
 
Whether or not it's appropriate is for her to decide so I wouldn't get in the middle of that. The only advice I would offer up, as stated above, is that she most definitely needs to address her concerns BEFORE getting married!
 
Thanks everyone for your perspective on this situation! I had a long talk (not 3 HOURS long...but long enough!!) with my friend last night and told her that she needs to address him directly.

You all are right...I should not get in the middle because I don't want my advice to sway her and then come back to me later.

I was just curious on some unbiased opinions and I appreciate the input!!!

Thank you! :)
 
Hey Rose,

I'd tell your friend that she needs to be honest with herself and figure out why this bothers her - the REAL reason. She should then decide what she is comfortable with (in terms of his communicating with other women) and communicate that to her SO in an open, honest way. Once she communicates her true and honest feelings with him, he should feel honored that she has trusted him enough to reveal her true and honest self (never easy, IMO!) AND he should want to do whatever it takes to make his partner feel better. She should always feel #1!

Many times feelings of jealousy or insecurity come from our own self-esteem issues, which are painful and hard to share even with those you love. He needs to nurture her at those times (and vice versa) - it will make the relationship stronger in the long-run. Love commits itself to bringing benefit to the other person.

I am blessed to have a wonderful marriage of over 20 years. I'm not an expert, but I do feel blessed!

Best of luck to your friend!
Liz
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

He had these friendships with other women when he met her. If she wanted that to change (which IMO she shouldn't have the right to force him to end his friendships) she should have spoken up in the BEGINNING of the relationship. Waiting until you are engaged or married to want things to change is too late. It's not fair. It's not right. Okay, so the 3 hour convo is a bit extreme but one long conversation is not the end of the world...
Now there is a difference between simply not wanting him to maintain these friendships or wanting him to "tone them down" and getting suspicious that something more is going on. If she now or at any time in the future truly feels and suspects "foul play" then she has every right to say something!

JMHO!:)
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

Hi Rose,

I have had conversations like this with my girl friends, and the unmarried ones don't understand why it would be threatening if, after they get married, they continue to be close to people of the opposite sex. They get upset that their right to their previous friendships might be denied. But the married ones get it. I wonder if when you get married, you just have a different perspective??

I personally would be very upset if my husband talked to his "girl friends" on the phone at all really. After you get married, in my opinion, your opposite sex relationships need to diminish greatly. I think it's great if you hang out in a group with your spouse present though. I know my husband feels the exact same way.

Why do I think this way? Mainly because people who spend a lot of time together, away from their spouses, tend to have a greater chance of having an affair. That doesn't always happen, but I've decided to not put myself into situations to start developing feelings for another man.

Even if I've been friends with someone a long time and never had feelings for them before, it can always develop in the future, and I'm not willing to sacrifice my marriage to capricious feelings.

I was dating someone for 4 years and had close guy friends for about the same time. At the end of the 4 years, I had become quite close to one of my friends (to whom I had NEVER had the slightest attraction) and suddenly I found myself dumping my boyfriend for my friend instead. ok, so that relationship was probably never meant to be anyways, but you get the point.

It's interesting to note that most of the time, we get upset if we think something is being demanded of us (being forced to give up previous friendships, or feeling pressured to take on husband's last name, or getting nagged about having kids.) I don't think the actual "event" is what bothers us. It's being controlled. For me, it was SO easy to give up past friendships because I wanted to for my husband, because I loved him and didn't really want to spend time with anyone else. No one told me I had to, I just wanted to.

Maybe your friend should consider if this guy's the right guy? Or she could just ask him if it would bother him if she talked to her guy friends every night (in a nice tone of voice of course!). It might help him to understand her perspective.

On the other hand, my brother and his wife got married later in life, and his wife had several close friendships that had developed for a long time. I think for her, it was hard to imagine not being close to her guy friends, but they've been married 3 years now, and they only get together with other couples or in groups. I think she's very happy with how things turned out.


Or I could be all wrong....just my opinion though.

Good luck to your friend!!

Alison
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

I totally agree that, if it bothered her that he has friendships of the opposite sex, she should have addressed it right away. And not now that they are getting married. Why is it any different when you are married. How fair is that, to all over sudden cut off friendships that you have had for a long time, even before you knew your current girlfriend/boyfriend/fiance(e)??

I value my friendships, male or female and I will not dump them, just because I got married. Nor did I expect my DH to abandon his friends, male or female, that he has had for a long time, just because I am in the picture now.

That being said, I do have a couple of male friends who I talk to on a regular basis, I sometimes vent and sometimes it is very helpful to get the male perspective on things, which I think benefits my relationship with DH.

I think it is a matter of trust. If I can't trust my partner and think he/she will cheat on me if the occassion arises, well, then it may not be the right relationship. Can't have your partner live in a bubble, if they want to cheat, they will cheat.

On top of it, why is it such a problem with the opposite sex, friendship is friendship. To go to the extreme, they could all over sudden turn to the same sex for a relationship or affair, who knows. Can't prevent anything from happening by limiting their exposure to other people.

Quite frankly, I think the more you keep tabs on your partner and the more you distrust, the worse the relationship will be and the higher the possibility they will look for something outside the marriage.
 
I don't really agree with the "giving up past relationships" when you get married. As long as they're just friends, why should that stop just because you're married? Heck, DH and I both had exes attend our wedding, and we've maintained friendships with them. I've actually made male friends since I got married, and it's never caused a problem. Now, I don't spend three hours on the phone with them--hell, I don't spend three hours on the phone with ANYBODY!

I think that you probably should just let her figure it out; like someone else mentioned, if you say something either for or against him, it could very well come back to bite you in the butt. She needs to figure out why it bothers her NOW, and it didn't before. Cold feet, maybe? Or she could have been hoping that a bigger committment could have changed him. Just be there for her to vent to. That's what she needs more than anything, probably.
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

>I totally agree that, if it bothered her that he has
>friendships of the opposite sex, she should have addressed it
>right away. And not now that they are getting married. Why is
>it any different when you are married. How fair is that, to
>all over sudden cut off friendships that you have had for a
>long time, even before you knew your current
>girlfriend/boyfriend/fiance(e)??
>
>I value my friendships, male or female and I will not dump
>them, just because I got married. Nor did I expect my DH to
>abandon his friends, male or female, that he has had for a
>long time, just because I am in the picture now.
>
>That being said, I do have a couple of male friends who I talk
>to on a regular basis, I sometimes vent and sometimes it is
>very helpful to get the male perspective on things, which I
>think benefits my relationship with DH.
>
>I think it is a matter of trust. If I can't trust my partner
>and think he/she will cheat on me if the occassion arises,
>well, then it may not be the right relationship. Can't have
>your partner live in a bubble, if they want to cheat, they
>will cheat.
>
>On top of it, why is it such a problem with the opposite sex,
>friendship is friendship. To go to the extreme, they could all
>over sudden turn to the same sex for a relationship or affair,
>who knows. Can't prevent anything from happening by limiting
>their exposure to other people.
>
>Quite frankly, I think the more you keep tabs on your partner
>and the more you distrust, the worse the relationship will be
>and the higher the possibility they will look for something
>outside the marriage.
>
>
ITA Carola! I couldn't have said this better myself! I don't want to sound like a cliche, but 'affairs' are usually a symptom of a larger problem. They generally don't occur just because you are around people of the opposite sex.
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

>How fair is that, to
>all over sudden cut off friendships that you have had for a
>long time, even before you knew your current
>girlfriend/boyfriend/fiance(e)??
>
>I value my friendships, male or female and I will not dump
>them, just because I got married. Nor did I expect my DH to
>abandon his friends, male or female, that he has had for a
>long time, just because I am in the picture now.
>
>That being said, I do have a couple of male friends who I talk
>to on a regular basis, I sometimes vent and sometimes it is
>very helpful to get the male perspective on things, which I
>think benefits my relationship with DH.
>
>I think it is a matter of trust. If I can't trust my partner
>and think he/she will cheat on me if the occassion arises,
>well, then it may not be the right relationship. Can't have
>your partner live in a bubble, if they want to cheat, they
>will cheat.
>
>On top of it, why is it such a problem with the opposite sex,
>friendship is friendship. To go to the extreme, they could all
>over sudden turn to the same sex for a relationship or affair,
>who knows. Can't prevent anything from happening by limiting
>their exposure to other people.
>
>Quite frankly, I think the more you keep tabs on your partner
>and the more you distrust, the worse the relationship will be
>and the higher the possibility they will look for something
>outside the marriage.
>

I agree completely. How sad to think that some folks get married (or become part of a couple) and then drop their unattached friends, choosing only to spend time w/ other couples or the spouse alone.
 
RE: Would You Consider THIS Appropriate?--Relationship ...

>Yeah, I agree with this pretty much. I think the guy is a bit
>strange but this is awesome advice! Way to go Cathy! You'd
>make a great wife, lol
>}(

Hey, thanks! :) Feel free to send an eligible guy my way! ;)

~Cathy http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/4.gif

"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and the persons we were destined to be." -George Sheehan
 
Would she feel as bad about it if he had been on the phone for 3 hrs with a male friend talking about a relationship? I think if she trusts him, a friends a friend. On the other hand, I think 3 hrs is kind of long for any friend(s) if it happens a lot. Is this also a general problem of this man spreading himself to thin helping his friends?
 
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