I was going through our bills this morning seeing what I could help pay when I discovered an astronomical cable bill of $145! I looked and found 3 pay per view movies were charged at like $12 a piece! Huh? I called the company and found they were porn channels. My husband ordered these movies 3 weekends in a row when I was either at work or out somewhere. I'm going to talk to him about this tonight, but I'm upset. I feel like he is keeping secrets from me. Money is tight and I am upset he is spending it on this trash! I work out hard to keep a very fit body and after 5 years of marriage I still always try to look good for him. The fact that he didn't tell me is very upsetting to me and makes me wonder what else he keeps from me. Am I jumping the gun or do I have a right to be upset?
Would you be upset?
- Thread starter db5
- Start date
I am VERY conservative on most things, so i agree with the previous poster. Porn is not ever acceptable in our home. My DH was looking at internet porn last July, while I was pregnant. I flipped out and all but walked out. I find it offensive and consider it infedelity in our marriage. We worked hard on it, and it took a good 6 months before I was over it...and even now, i'm still leery of his time online. He knows its a deal breaker now.
JMO,
Jessica
JMO,
Jessica
I have to agree with Liann. I would also discontinue the cable and schedule an apt. with a marriage counselor. I think men take this kind of thing very lightly but it can be devastating to a woman. In answer to your question though...I'd be very upset but I would also let him know that it won't be tolerated.
Ashley
Ashley
coradora
Cathlete
I'm sorry, but other than the money, I don't see the big deal. A LOT of upstanding, well adjusted people watch porn. Men, in particular, are more visually stimulated than women. I don't think most of men look at porn with any intention of hurting their partner, and porn certainly does NOT mean they love or lust after their partner any less!
I do think, however, that this is something that couples should discuss early in a relationship. If a woman is particularly sensitive about it, she should let her partner know up front and not expect that he would have the same feelings about it as she does.
This is just my opinion and really, who cares what I think except me and my husband. And we are still going strong after 18 years together, mostly because we understand that neither one is a mind reader and talk about issues that are bothering us (usually after a lot of yelling
)
Corrie
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
--Aristotle
I do think, however, that this is something that couples should discuss early in a relationship. If a woman is particularly sensitive about it, she should let her partner know up front and not expect that he would have the same feelings about it as she does.
This is just my opinion and really, who cares what I think except me and my husband. And we are still going strong after 18 years together, mostly because we understand that neither one is a mind reader and talk about issues that are bothering us (usually after a lot of yelling
)Corrie
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
--Aristotle
DianneGallagher
Cathlete
It might not be quite considered infedelity, but now there's a definite "trust" issue and that's a major obstacle to overcome in any relationship once it's broken.
Good Luck
Good Luck
I agree with everyone. I also don't think that men (most men anyway) look at porn with intentions of hurting their partner, BUT it would still kill me if I found out my husband was sneaking it behind my back. I would put all the blame on me because it's my low self confidence that would make me feel this way. If I were a confident woman it probably wouldn't bother me in the least. Good luck to you and I hope you work everything out!
Barbara
Barbara
candi
Cathlete
I see a trust and possibly an addiction issue here. A man viewing porn is not that significant and typically has nothing to do with the way their partner looks.
I think your marriage is suffering from something less superficial than your DH viewing porn. Knowing that money is tight and your DH spent it on something like porn, there may be some sexual addiction issues beginning. This needs to be nipped in the bud.
Seriously, didn't he think you'd notice the cable bill? If he wanted to look at porn and do it behind your back he's have better luck with the internet so it's almost like he knew you'd find out. What's up with that?!
I think your marriage is suffering from something less superficial than your DH viewing porn. Knowing that money is tight and your DH spent it on something like porn, there may be some sexual addiction issues beginning. This needs to be nipped in the bud.
Seriously, didn't he think you'd notice the cable bill? If he wanted to look at porn and do it behind your back he's have better luck with the internet so it's almost like he knew you'd find out. What's up with that?!
No, I would not be upset. But that's me and applying it to my situation with my husband. I recommend that you approach him CALMLY AND RATIONALLY and ask him about it. Communication is key. See how he responds and reacts. If you go at him on the attack for this you will immediately put him on edge and on the defensive which will assure you a reaction that you will NOT like. Take a deep breath and talk to him and then do some listening too.
brigitterenee
Cathlete
Porn shmorn, no big deal. It is so popular for a reason... it is natural. There is nothing worng with a bit of porn imo. Maybe it is his way of releasing a bit of stress. Try offering to watch it with him maybe. I personaly do not think it is right to judge someone for watching a bit of porn... do not attack your husband with this. If you are upset try talking to him calmly, this way he will feel ok to open up to you. Now if he is watching 10 movies a week or something.. then i would think that is a bit of a bad path to be traveling.
Good luck.
Good luck.
LauraMax
Cathlete
I would be upset, but more b/c he didn't trust me than b/c he was watching porn. Partly b/c he didn't trust enough to tell you he was using it, & partly b/c he didn't trust enough to perhaps try to spice up his sex life with YOU (going on the assumption he was looking for something different) rather than a bunch of strangers on TV.
Liann
Cathlete
>Porn shmorn, no big deal. It is so popular for a reason... it
>is natural. There is nothing worng with a bit of porn imo.
>Maybe it is his way of releasing a bit of stress. Try offering
>to watch it with him maybe. I personaly do not think it is
>right to judge someone for watching a bit of porn... do not
>attack your husband with this. If you are upset try talking to
>him calmly, this way he will feel ok to open up to you. Now if
>he is watching 10 movies a week or something.. then i would
>think that is a bit of a bad path to be traveling.
>
>Good luck.
It's natural to want to pay money to watch other people have sex? Ewe... I guess I'm just old fashioned when it comes to this topic. I would be just livid if I found out my DH was doing something like this behind my back. He'd get attacked very "personally" with a frying pan. Totally kidding of course! I'd have to sit him down and have a long talk with him about why he did it behind my back and discuss how that made me feel. It would definitely be a trust issue with me and a "self image" issue.
>is natural. There is nothing worng with a bit of porn imo.
>Maybe it is his way of releasing a bit of stress. Try offering
>to watch it with him maybe. I personaly do not think it is
>right to judge someone for watching a bit of porn... do not
>attack your husband with this. If you are upset try talking to
>him calmly, this way he will feel ok to open up to you. Now if
>he is watching 10 movies a week or something.. then i would
>think that is a bit of a bad path to be traveling.
>
>Good luck.
It's natural to want to pay money to watch other people have sex? Ewe... I guess I'm just old fashioned when it comes to this topic. I would be just livid if I found out my DH was doing something like this behind my back. He'd get attacked very "personally" with a frying pan.
Totally kidding of course! I'd have to sit him down and have a long talk with him about why he did it behind my back and discuss how that made me feel. It would definitely be a trust issue with me and a "self image" issue.maggiethecat
Cathlete
Lianne,
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My husband and I went throught something similar a few years back, and it was a very difficult time for both of us. Let me first say that though I am against porn, I realize not everyone is and it is not my right to make that decision for them. But, if porn is to be allowed into a marriage, that has to be a decision both participants in the marriage make and are comfortable with. In my situation it turned out that my husband was a porn addict. He had never told anyone. It was shocking to me as he was always the guy who left the bachelor party when the strippers showed up. He reacted very badly when I found out. It required a LOT of compassion, but also firmness to help him with this. From my point of view, I told him, It was not necessary for him to agree with my anti-porn stance and I was not his mother so it was not for me to keep it out of his life. I am his wife, however and will not tolerate secrets or sneaking - it's just not how I want to live. If he wants porn in his life than he can be a man and defend his views to his wife even if I don't agree.
He did not want porn in his life - he thinks it is childish and stupid but for a variety of emotional reasons he could not break the addictive nature of his behavior and he went into therapy. It is kind of interesting that his addiction to porn had nothing to do with sex, really.
If your husband has this addiction he may have difficulty not protecting it. Progress really began to happen for myself and my husband when I let him know that I was not denying him access to porn, but was very honest with my views about it. I was also honest with the fact that I find it difficult to respect that particular behavior. That is my point of view and I am entitled to it. I don't have to like porn, and he doesn't have to like that I don't like it, but neither person can conform to another's view point unless they are truly swayed in their own heart and mind. If he had wanted to keep porn it would have been a problem we would have to revisit often in our marriage, but it wouldn't end our marriage. I guess I'm saying the problem wasn't so much the porn as it was the dishonesty. I can handle just about anything, except a lie. If I don't know what the truth is, I can't deal with it.
He owes it to you to let you make up your own mind about his behavior. This may be way too threatening if he really respects and loves you - his fear of losing you or your respect might be too much. Though it can also be a lack of respect/selfishness issue - and I can't know in your case which it is, only you can.
Stand up for yourself, but also give your partner the room to stand up for himself. This is such a touchy area for so many marriages and yet often times people just kind of ignore it.
Face it head on, in the light of day you can deal with anything.
I hope this wasn't too confusing - I'm emotional about this so it can be hard to write about.
I am thinking of you and your husband and sending strong, compassionate vibes your way.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My husband and I went throught something similar a few years back, and it was a very difficult time for both of us. Let me first say that though I am against porn, I realize not everyone is and it is not my right to make that decision for them. But, if porn is to be allowed into a marriage, that has to be a decision both participants in the marriage make and are comfortable with. In my situation it turned out that my husband was a porn addict. He had never told anyone. It was shocking to me as he was always the guy who left the bachelor party when the strippers showed up. He reacted very badly when I found out. It required a LOT of compassion, but also firmness to help him with this. From my point of view, I told him, It was not necessary for him to agree with my anti-porn stance and I was not his mother so it was not for me to keep it out of his life. I am his wife, however and will not tolerate secrets or sneaking - it's just not how I want to live. If he wants porn in his life than he can be a man and defend his views to his wife even if I don't agree.
He did not want porn in his life - he thinks it is childish and stupid but for a variety of emotional reasons he could not break the addictive nature of his behavior and he went into therapy. It is kind of interesting that his addiction to porn had nothing to do with sex, really.
If your husband has this addiction he may have difficulty not protecting it. Progress really began to happen for myself and my husband when I let him know that I was not denying him access to porn, but was very honest with my views about it. I was also honest with the fact that I find it difficult to respect that particular behavior. That is my point of view and I am entitled to it. I don't have to like porn, and he doesn't have to like that I don't like it, but neither person can conform to another's view point unless they are truly swayed in their own heart and mind. If he had wanted to keep porn it would have been a problem we would have to revisit often in our marriage, but it wouldn't end our marriage. I guess I'm saying the problem wasn't so much the porn as it was the dishonesty. I can handle just about anything, except a lie. If I don't know what the truth is, I can't deal with it.
He owes it to you to let you make up your own mind about his behavior. This may be way too threatening if he really respects and loves you - his fear of losing you or your respect might be too much. Though it can also be a lack of respect/selfishness issue - and I can't know in your case which it is, only you can.
Stand up for yourself, but also give your partner the room to stand up for himself. This is such a touchy area for so many marriages and yet often times people just kind of ignore it.
Face it head on, in the light of day you can deal with anything.
I hope this wasn't too confusing - I'm emotional about this so it can be hard to write about.
I am thinking of you and your husband and sending strong, compassionate vibes your way.
I would be very upset. It would be like a punch in the stomach and would break my heart. I am so sorry you found out this way. Now that you have, you can ignore it or confront your husband. I don't know if I could confront my husband and be loving about it at the same time!
Last year when I was in a Christian book store, I bought my son a book on what I thought was about sexual purity, dating and marriage. Here it turned out to be about porn. LOL I about died when he told me. Anyhow, he said it was a good book that made him think. It's called, Every Man's Battle. Here's a short description from the website: By Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. A practical, detailed plan to help men find freedom from sexual temptation God's way. Includes a special section for women, designed to help them understand, empathize, and support the men they love.
On the website, New Life, they have a message board and more help for those dealing with this issue. If you go to their homepage, there is a drop down menu on the right titled Every Man's Battle.
http://www.newlife.com/
Last year when I was in a Christian book store, I bought my son a book on what I thought was about sexual purity, dating and marriage. Here it turned out to be about porn. LOL I about died when he told me. Anyhow, he said it was a good book that made him think. It's called, Every Man's Battle. Here's a short description from the website: By Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. A practical, detailed plan to help men find freedom from sexual temptation God's way. Includes a special section for women, designed to help them understand, empathize, and support the men they love.
On the website, New Life, they have a message board and more help for those dealing with this issue. If you go to their homepage, there is a drop down menu on the right titled Every Man's Battle.
http://www.newlife.com/
I think this is a very personal question. Some people (as noted by posters on this thread) think it is no big deal. For others it is. It really depends on the couple. I don't like porn when it's a solo activity, but sometimes my SO and I watch on the lighter channels (the not-quite-porn stuff) and it is actually really good for a laugh because the acting and storylines are just atrocious. Plus we spend a lot of time talking about the quality of the boob jobs (generally very bad) and since we watch with captioning on the TV, it says stuff like, "Climactic moaning," which is just hilarious to us.
My EX had a serious problem with porn, though, so I am very leery of solo activities, like I said. I would be uncomfortable if I thought my SO needed or wanted to look at stuff like that without it being something the two of us were doing. I would definitely be uncomfortable if I thought he was sneaking around.
Good luck. I hope you two can talk it out and reach an agreement.
Marie
My EX had a serious problem with porn, though, so I am very leery of solo activities, like I said. I would be uncomfortable if I thought my SO needed or wanted to look at stuff like that without it being something the two of us were doing. I would definitely be uncomfortable if I thought he was sneaking around.
Good luck. I hope you two can talk it out and reach an agreement.
Marie
pink_fortitude
Banned
I just wanted to let you know to please, please PLEASE don't take it personally. Watching porn has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, what you look like or what your husband feels about you. It doesn't mean that he isn't happy with your sex life or that you aren't giving him something. I would, as Rogue suggested, talk to him about it CALMLY and RATIONALLY. Let him know how it makes you feel, but don't let him see you get upset because that would be entirely counterproductive IMO; you want him to know that he can go to you with things without you flipping out, otherwise he will just keep it to himself and try even harder to hide it.
I know that there are many people who this doesn't bother, and that is fine, but you don't have to accept it if you aren't okay with it. I, personally, am NOT okay with it and would never accept it. What the heck else is marriage for if not to enjoy each other and meet each other's emotional and physical needs?
Missy
I know that there are many people who this doesn't bother, and that is fine, but you don't have to accept it if you aren't okay with it. I, personally, am NOT okay with it and would never accept it. What the heck else is marriage for if not to enjoy each other and meet each other's emotional and physical needs?
Missy
teddy16410
Cathlete
I'd be upset IF my DH & I had agreements about porn. My DH and I have discussed and come to comittments about that subject so if either of us "changed" the rules I'd be hurt, angry, feel lied to.
Your level of anger & hurt leads me to believe you all have discussed this topic and its place in your relationship... If you have not then I suggest a more rational approach... You need to talk openly and honestly about this just as you do about all pieces of your marriage. The debate over weather porn is right or wrong is between the couple IMO. In my marriage it has no place - I am not a prude or uptight (quite the contrary) but it is an agreement we made when we married. What was your agreement? That sets the stage for the conversation in my book.
Good luck.... & I feel your pain.... been there before.
Your level of anger & hurt leads me to believe you all have discussed this topic and its place in your relationship... If you have not then I suggest a more rational approach... You need to talk openly and honestly about this just as you do about all pieces of your marriage. The debate over weather porn is right or wrong is between the couple IMO. In my marriage it has no place - I am not a prude or uptight (quite the contrary) but it is an agreement we made when we married. What was your agreement? That sets the stage for the conversation in my book.
Good luck.... & I feel your pain.... been there before.
gettingstrong
Cathlete
I'm sorry to disagree with some of the posters, but to me porn is a serious evil in our culture today. It negatively affects the user, their s.o. and I cannot feel that the women (or men) participating in the movie or whatever are in a good place in their lives. Many are addicted to drugs or have very low self esteem and no self respect. If you really feel its ok, then how would you feel about your dd (or ds) being an "actor" or model? Do a search on porn addiction and see what you learn.
I have a lot of experience on this, but unfortunately, my outcome has not been as good as Laura's. If you want more info on my experience you can pm me.
Perhaps it is NOT an addiction. Not all users become addicted. How is your sex life? I would also check his online activity if possible. Check the history file and also access the cache file in case he deleted stuff from the history file. You can access this under the tool bar at the top of your screen, then select internet options and the temporary file will be there.
I truly hope you can resolve this. I would definitely not ignore it, but take your time, research and TRY to approach him in a calm manner. Not easy to do! Praying for you. Marnie
I have a lot of experience on this, but unfortunately, my outcome has not been as good as Laura's. If you want more info on my experience you can pm me.
Perhaps it is NOT an addiction. Not all users become addicted. How is your sex life? I would also check his online activity if possible. Check the history file and also access the cache file in case he deleted stuff from the history file. You can access this under the tool bar at the top of your screen, then select internet options and the temporary file will be there.
I truly hope you can resolve this. I would definitely not ignore it, but take your time, research and TRY to approach him in a calm manner. Not easy to do! Praying for you. Marnie