Personal and Long: Need Advice

endorphin_junkie

endorphin_junkie

Cathlete
Hi Everyone, I'm reluctant to post this but can't talk to my family about my dilemma. I have a pretty good idea what I need to do but need some objectivity and unclouded perspective. As many of you know my husband died almost 9 years ago. It has been extremely difficult at times but I have maintained a relationship with my in-laws and husband's 5 siblings in great part for the sake of my 3 Girls (aged 12, 15 and 17). My MIL died in June of '05 and during that summer my FIL spent a lot of time with us and I was happy to let him grieve and heal through time spent with his grand daughters (his legacy as he calls them). At one point he said something that made me bristle something to the effect of 'being my bloke until I met someone'. I was uncomfortable with this and said 'No you are my father-in-law and grandfather to my Girls'. I talked to my SIL about this and she was kind enough to say to him that he needed to remember that I was his daughter-in-law and that forgetting that could risk his relationship with his grand daughters. Fast forward to last Thursday. My FIL is here, he has just deposited $3 000.00 into my Girls bank accounts for them to travel abroad and bought my youngest a beautiful Yamaha flute. The Girls were at school and he and I were having coffee in my kitchen. He told me that the woman who has been his companion (since shortly after my MIL died) can't have a sexual realtionship with him for a variety of reasons. He joked that it was probably not such a bad thing because at 78 he didnt' know if he still had that in him. He had a wonderful relationship with his wife and they were still like kids after 61 years together flirting and very affectionate. He told me he missed this very much and I responded that it was very sweet and refreshing to see how their love and attraction to each other had endured. He smiled at me and took off his glasses, I thought he was going to cry but he came and hugged me, told me he loved me and kissed me, then he tried to kiss me AGAIN and cupped my breast saying something completely inappropriate, in that instant I was thinking a million things, anger, disappointment, confusion, shock, revulsion......I put my palm on his chest and pushed him away saying 'Ooohh, you're being bad'. I can't believe he did that to his son, to me, to my Kids, he took the relationship I have built with him and his family for 20 years, cheapened it, mocked it, tore it to shreds and threw me for a loop that I still haven't come down from. I am so pi$$ed that he did this and I don't know where to go from here. He was here on Sunday for a half hour, the Girls were here and I just kept my distance (no greeting, no contact, cool demeanor). My Kids adore him, love the stories he tells them about their Daddy and I know he is no threat to them but I don't want to be anywhere near him and need him to know that what he did was selfish, inappropriate, hurtful, destructive and........... I am mad at myself for the way I reacted. Part of me wishes I had thrown his sorry a$$ out the door but another part wants to give him the benefit of the doubt that he got caught up in a moment and lost his fool mind. I can't bear to talk to him face to face as his anger can be explosive, I am inclined to write it down and mail it to him (or not mail it to him depending on how I feel after). What a mess!! I don't want to tell his daughters and desperately need some advice or thoughts. Thanks all.

Take Care
Laurie
 
Oh Laurie---this is such a betrayal. (((hugs))) to you as you try to digest what has occurred. I have no wise words right now, except know that I would be in total shock. Please don't blame yourself for a thing. You did nothing wrong.

24-72 hours to metabolize, process this all and think about the response--because it is so complicated with the connection your daughters feel because of their dad.

If I could beam myself to where you live, while you rest for a day or two, I would whack him with a rubber mallet....being 78 is no excuse...
-Barb
 
Wow. I am so sorry you are dealing with such an awkward situation.

I think the best approach is always straightforward and honest when you have to deal with a tough think like this. I would tell him very gently that you understand how much he must be hurting, but he needs to respect the fact that you are not interested in a relationship other than DIL and GF to your children. Give him that benefit of the doubt during the conversation and tell him that you KNOW that he just got caught up, and you KNOW he would never do anything to harm you or jeopardize his relationship with you and your girls. People generally have a hard time engaging in bad behavior after you have just told them you know they won't!

Put it all out there, but do it in a gentle and understanding way. He is probably having a tremendously hard time dealing with his grief and loss. I can't imagine what it must feel like to spend your whole life with someone and then not have them there when you are 78 years old. From the ages you listed, it looks like he and his wife were together since he was 15 years old! All of a sudden, the only thing he has ever known to be his life is gone.

Just a thought, but is he engaging in any other wierd or inappropriate behavior? There may be a health problem behind his actions, as well. 78 isn't remarkably old, but it is an age where some people start having some problems where they are less able to exercise good judgment.

Good luck. I hope it all turns out for the best!

Stephanie
 
I agree that you just need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. If face to face is too much, then you should at least write it down for him. No one has the right to make you feel like he did and you need to tell him that in no uncertain terms. I think you have been more than kind up until this point and you really need to draw the line. Also, your daughters are old enough to understand what's going on. If he does not back off, I don't think there would be any harm in telling at least the oldest daughter. If you were being stand-offish toward him, chances are they already know that something is off.

Of course, all of this is very easy to say for someone outside of the situation. I hope you can get everything resolved with the best possible outcome. It may be necessary for you to distance yourself for a while. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
 
I echo Stephanie-
Also, please dont disregard her last paragraph- I work with the elderly who are sick and have had this type of thing happen.... it is extremely unsettling but I have found that within hours they dont remember it happened. The Drs tell me its one of the possible incidences w/ dementia & senility.
I would still have a talk tho- but dont be surprised if he really looks at you like YOU"RE crazy!
 
{{{{{Laurie}}}}}

Oh my! How confusing, angering, and shocking this must be! I honestly don't know what I would do in this circumstance.

The nurse in me can't help but ask if you've noticed any subtle signs of mental deterioration and/or depression? In view of his age, the recent loss of his wife, and the fact that they had a wonderful relationship, this may be a possibility. Is there any family history of dementia? Has he lost many friends to illness or death? Is there anything else about him that seems off to you?

I think it might be a good idea to talk to your SIL. I know you to be a kind, decent, and level headed person. I'm sure you can find a way to broach the topic and do so with kindness and sensitivity. I would approach it out of concern for him and family. It's important to make sure there's no underlying medical condition that is affecting his judgment and reasoning. I would probably avoid contact with him in the absence of a third party, and if he's found to be mentally and physically healthy, then a good smack might be in order!

{{{{{Laurie}}}}} Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Barb, thank you, you're right it is very complicated. Now where is that rubber mallet?

Judy, I PMed you back. Thanks.

Christine, thanks for the hug Girlfriend, I needed that.

Stephanie, thanks for you thoughtful reply. I'm printing it out and will keep it with me as I write a letter which may or may not be sent.

Muffin Top, thanks for your perspective. I really do need to let him know that he crossed a line and not just sweep it under the rug. My 17 y.o. definitely knows something's up as I was skittish with him around yesterday and made darned sure I wasn't in the room alone with him.

I really do appreciate that you wonderful ladies would take the time to read this, respond and help me sort it out.

Take Care
Laurie
 
Laurie,
I have no great words of wisdom, just wanted to lend support and say everyone here feels for you. I hope you find advice and resolution from someone experienced here. Take care...
 
{{{Laurie}}}

I'm so sorry. Perhaps talking to a counselor will help you figure out how to move forward from here? I think it will be good to have someone you can speak with objectively. What an awful situation. I will be thinking of you.

Take care,
Marie
 
Laurie,

I am so sorry you are in this dilemma. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom. Just know that this is not YOUR fault and you did NOTHING to provoke his behavior. He is lonely and grieving and sad and he crossed the line in a big way. If it was me, I would avoid seeing him for a few months. If he wants to see the kids, fine, but I would refrain from contact with him until you have a chance to deal with this. I would then make it clear that this is unwelcomed and that if he crosses the line again, you will have to re-evaluate his place in your life and may choose not to see him again. This is all I can think of...

I am sorry...BIG HUGS to you and your children (and to him, even though what he did was so wrong).

Dianna

http://www.picturetrail.com/Luv2WorkHard
 
Here's my thoughts on this, keeping in mind that my SO is almost 78, and is up to no good with flirting not-so-innocently with chicks in their mid-40's:

This stuck out for me that you said, "My FIL is here, he has just deposited $3 000.00 into my Girls bank accounts for them to travel abroad and bought my youngest a beautiful Yamaha flute." Hmmm, then he pulled the inappropriate stuff, eh? Betcha he thought the money thing would endear you to him even more so he thought this would be a great time to make his move.

If it were me, I would have a little talk with him, not yelling and screaming of course, but VERY firmly telling him that you are do not want the same type of relationship that he does, and that you do not want him to touch you like that again.

Sorry, I think what you have there is a horny old man who needs to be put in his place pronto.

I'd love to get Bill's (0 Pushups) thoughts on this.

"You can't win them all - but you can try." - Babe Zaharias http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-004.gif[/img]
 
Oh, Laurie. I am so sorry. I think you should take some time to sort out your feelings and think about what you want to say and do.

One thing that occurs to me is to confront him and tell him straight out that if he doesn't apologize and swear that nothing like that will ever happen again, you're going to tell his daughters and bar him from seeing his grandchildren.

But you are right, he is disrespecting 20 years of relationship. Has he been drinking lately or taking any drugs that could be distorting his judgment? I can't imagine why he would be willing to destroy his relationship with you and risk destroying his relationship with the rest of his family to do something so stupid. It just doesn't sound like something a rational person would do.

Best,
Nancy
ETA:<--I love your avatar!
 
((((((((MASSIVE HUGS))))))))))) Laurie!!!!

I have no advice as I'm not good at this stuff at all but I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and I will pray that you can get this worked out so that your daughters' relationship with thier grandfather can be kept in tact!
 
Oh Laurie....I am so sorry to read about your FIL's incredibly innappropriate behavior!!! I can only imagine the shocking way you must have felt. I really have no other advice than what has been offered. I know if it were my FIL, I would definitely wait some time but then have a talk. This was completely out of line for any age of a man. Of course writing him might be better if you are worried about his temper. I just feel so bad about you having to go thru this...:(...sending a http://www.digitalmediatree.com/library/image/12/hug.gif[/img] and you will be in my thoughts and prayers....Carole
 
Laurie,

You must have been shocked out of your mind! What is with that? For heaven sakes, I just don't understand men sometimes. I've never had a son, so I just can't comprehend what is on their minds. I hear these stories a lot lately, and it just makes me wonder. WHY?

If you sit down and talk to him and he gets mad, too bad. Shame on him.
I'm stumped on what to say to help you.

I'm so sorry, prayers are going your way.

Janie

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return"
Nature Boy by eden ahbez 1908-1995
 
Traci, that 'you're crazy' look is part of what I am dreading. Perhaps I will get that reaction but in my mind right is right and there are no excuses.

Michele, sad to say he really has no 'friends' to lose. He and his wife built a 'kingdom of 2' (as stated to me by my BIL) and besides his companion there are no real friends. Thanks for you kindness and caring.

Fach, thanks for you supportive words.

Marie, that could be a possibility, it really is an awful situation, I feel so betrayed and can only begin to imagine what a child must feel when betrayed by a trusted elder.

Dianna, thanks, I can avoid him until December 16th when we all gather at his home for an early Christmas celebration. In the past few years I've come to really dread these occasions but will certainly take some action before then.

HB, that thought most certainly crossed my mind, I'll be damned if he thinks he can cop a feel by spending on my Girls. I've pretty much decided that if anything remotely similar ever happens then I will sever all ties with him and he won't see the Girls as long as I have a say in the matter.

Nancy, funny you should mention the drinking. He quit drinking right before I started dating John, that is until he started spending time with his companion. She is a steady drinker and he has started to drink again (just to be 'sociable' in his words). When he told me this many months ago I though 'nothing good can come of that!' I will certainly take my time to digest this and confront him in a way that allows me to be assertive and for both of us to keep our dignity.

Wendy, thanks, there so much at stake with this, bonds that go so deep but seem so fragile right now.

Carole, thanks for your hugs, kindness and compassion. When I'm emotional I write much better than I speak and it does keep me free and clear of his unpredictable temper.

Thanks so much everyone, you have no idea how much you have helped me process this. You've really helped me to move forward and get out of the knotted concentric circles I've been winding my way through all weekend. Your collective kindness, intelligence and thoughtfulness is a truly wonderful thing.

Take Care
Laurie
 
Laurie,
You have gotten some good advice thus far, but I was wondering if it is possible that he wasn't being a "dirty old man" but a sad and lonely old man. This in NO way excuses his behavior, but it may change your perspective of the situation. Perhaps you have been so kind and supportive during his grieving process, that he "misplaced" his feelings as something more sexual. Often, that is the only way some men know how to express their feelings of love and appreciation.

Again, I am not suggesting that you blow off the inappropriate advances, but try to figure out WHY he may have done that. If the behavior seems totally out of character and something that may not have happened before your MIL died, then perhaps there is more to it. You have known him for 20 years and he is an important part of your daughters' lives, is that worth ruining for one foolish mistake on his part?

I think you should definitely talk about it, but keep it between you and him. Starting with a letter may be your best option.

Best of luck to you!
 
So sorry to hear about your experience. I agree with others who think that dementia might be coming into play here. It can make people act very differently.

But I'd also like to add one my two cents on one more thing...I know you are making sure that you are not alone with him at any time, but I think you should also be careful about his being alone with your children. I know you don't think he is a threat to them, but like I said, dementia can really change people and of course it is extremely important to protect your daughters. If he is capable of inappropriate behavior with you it may be possible that he could harm them. Better to be safe than sorry.

I hope all goes well with your situation...good luck.
 
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