Need advice on situation

[KimDW]

I'm needing input on my situation. First a little background.
My husband repairs brass musical instruments (trumpets/trombones etc...)and plays at functions on the side for extra cash. Over the last 5 years he's lost 2 jobs at repair shops mainly because he has developed OCD issues. He takes medication but I don't think he's really interested in helping himself. His dad has always wanted him to start his own business but it was never a good idea (and still isn't) for many reasons - mainly financially. I don't have a high paying job so I can't manage the bills on my own. He has not been "working" for almost a year (meaning bringing home a weekly paycheck) and is trying to open his own shop since October. He keeps saying he's about ready to open up. At his last job he was considered an independent contractor so that means he couldn't draw unemployment after he left there. I told all of them that starting this business is a BAD idea because my husband isn't motivated enough to do this and I can't keep struggling to pay our bills but his dad just kept pushing him to do this. He is using none of my income for any of this and so his dad is paying the rent/startup costs/utilities for this business. Everytime he tells his dad that he needs money for something (like his truck payment) his dad gets irritated. What did he think we were going to do for income while this was going on? It is not a high demanding field of work and I do not think he will be able to bring in enough money to even pay his portion of the bills. We are slowly going under and that's even with help from my mom with sometimes helping out. This whole situation with the OCD, the laziness (staying up late and sleeping until 1 or 2 or 3 in the afternoon), the starting the business has really damaged our marriage. We have no kids, been married almost 11 years. I love him but I don't think I'm "in love" anymore. And I'm just tired of it. I don't feel like I need to go out and get a second job (while I'm also trying to go back to school to maybe find a higher paying job) just because he's not working. Everytime we start to discuss money he gets defensive and upset.

What would you do? Would you demand that he go find a job because this is not working? Would you forget school and get a second job? Would you leave? If I thought this was really going to be a success then I wouldn't be questioning everything.

Thanks

 

[Faithnveggies]

No kids? Run away and be free and independent and master of your own financial destiny. Soon, before you are in situation of having to pay palimony. Just my quick 2 cents. Cut and run. Eval where you are and what kind of person you want to attract into your life. How you want to grow.
Take care and good luck.

 

[Reese777]

Perhaps you should talk to someone - a counselor or a close friend, or maybe someone that's not biased. Another thing you may try is, talk to your spouse in front of his father. Explain the situation about your finances to both of them, since in many ways your f-i-l is sort of fueling this "business" venture without concern for what it's doing to you or your finances.

Personally, I wouldn't get a second job and give up school for this. I went back to school in 2001 and finished my bachelor's and master's by 2006 and it was very rewarding. If this is a goal of yours, don't give it up.

You may find that the struggles you're going through right now are making you feel "not in love" but only YOU can determine this. I can totally understand why the staying up late, sleeping till the afternoon and not bringing in an income are driving you nuts though because my first marriage was to a person that just lived off of me. He didn't even have the OCD as an excuse or justification either - he was just a leech. It drove me to loathe him by the time I got the balls to leave.

Ultimately, you have to do what's right for you. If you have a 3rd party there, it may diffuse your husband's defensiveness and anger when you speak about money. Tell him that you're ready to leave and let him handle this venture on his own. It could be time for ultimatums.

As for my situation, I joined the Army to get us off of welfare and he continued to limp along until I could take no more and finally left him. Today (altho he's still a complete and total jerk, he IS managing a company......) You presenting an ultimatum may be a motivator for your DH.

Good luck!

 

[cheval]

I second the seek help. You need to get into marriage counseling but quick. If you have a pastor, that's where I would start. Even if he won't go with you.

Good luck,
April

 

[dss62467]

I probably am not the person to give advice on whether you should stay or go, because my opinion would be too personalized. However...I absolutely do NOT think you should get a second job! In my marriage, I make twice my husband's salary and there were times I thought about getting a second job to pay off our debt. But then I thought, HE'S the one without ambition to do what he says he "wants" to do. Always thinking things will happen for him without making them happen. Makes me crazy. So I didn't get the second job.

Maybe if he gets into something better, that he enjoys, and that pays him, he will have some self esteem. Once that happens, maybe you'll find you are still in love with him. Give him an ultimatum?

 

[lesliemarie]

I am sorry you are having troubles with your hubby, could he be depressed? or a mood disorder? the doctor changed my meds and I finally feel motivated to do things again, I feel like I have my life back again, I am wondering if he suffers that also, but I am not one to offer a diagnosis just saying maybe he should see a special doctor,

 

[crabbyella]

So sorry that this is such a hard situation. My suggestion would be to sit down and have the hard conversation and if you can't get your husband to listen then write your issues in a letter. You should set out what your family's budget is and then set out what his portion of that budget is his to provide. Set out what your current debt situation is and let him know what your cut off for getting the business started. I would point out that MANY people start businesses and still work. If the business planning takes place during the day then he could deliver pizzas at night. Spousal support really has to go both ways.

KIM