My husband and I have been married for 6 years and it seems he's changing in ways I don't feel comfortable with. I've tried talking to him about it on multiple occasions but he reverts right back. I posted some time ago about my husband ordering porn from our cable station behind my back even though he knows I don't approve and never have. He's still doing it and then will deny it! He also is always following me around the house talking explicitly to me that I feel is very derogatory. He says he's joking and that any wife would wish their husband wanted them this much. I don't think it's me he wants. He's by nature a joker, a trait of him I've always loved but this kind of joking makes me nauseated and distances me even more. I'm a child of sexual abuse and he knows this. I feel our marriage is seriously being affected by this.
My changing husband
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acatalina
Cathlete
Did you see the movie TRUST THE MAN??? You gotta see it...I kept going that's us....
MY dh is the same way, but knows when to back off.The look. It is not romantic, makes you feel cheap. They don't get it. It is a man thing... All they think about is their 3rd leg... LOL...
I don't know what they get out of porn. I personally think it is gross , tasteless and perverted. Maybe they fantasize...Who knows.
I would rather watch a good love story.
It is time to talk and vent...
MY dh is the same way, but knows when to back off.The look. It is not romantic, makes you feel cheap. They don't get it. It is a man thing... All they think about is their 3rd leg... LOL...
I don't know what they get out of porn. I personally think it is gross , tasteless and perverted. Maybe they fantasize...Who knows.
I would rather watch a good love story.
It is time to talk and vent...
lesliemarie
Cathlete
I might really be in the wrong place to say this, But, Have you thought about if he is like this now and is getting worse, What would he do if you ever had a daughter? Yes sometimes it can be a man thing. I am sorry he is like this to you. Maybe a therapist can help him and you with this?
dss62467
Cathlete
I think that's a little alarmist. Guys like porn. My husband has a few video tapes that he got back when we were first married. Somebody told him it would add "spice" to our sex life if we watched them together. Well, I DON'T like porn. I find it offensive and a major turn-off, so I never watched them with him. He's still got them and I'm sure he pulls them out when my daughter and I are out of the house.
I don't, in any way, feel nervous about it and us having a daughter. He's an excellent father - and a normal man.
Now, as a husband..well...that's a whole other story that's a bit too personal. Let's just say, he tried that whole "other women..." crap on me. It changed the relationship forever and not for the better.
I don't, in any way, feel nervous about it and us having a daughter. He's an excellent father - and a normal man.
Now, as a husband..well...that's a whole other story that's a bit too personal. Let's just say, he tried that whole "other women..." crap on me. It changed the relationship forever and not for the better.
Boy can I ever sympathize!!! My ex husband was exactly like this and worse. Porn all the time he would even sneak out in the middle of the night to go to all night porn stores and stuff. I would wake up and have no idea where he was. He called phone sex numbers all the time our phone bill was through the roof. It drove me nuts. I tried talking to him did no good. He too made comments to me all the time saying the same things like I should be glad he wanted me so much. Most of the time I didn't want to be in the same bed as him. He was a joker too everyone thought he was funny but they also could see he was out of line with it too and thought he treated me like crap. It got worse and I eventually divorced him I'm not saying that is the answer for you just citing my own personal experience. Once I left him he was broken and said he would do anything to get me back therapy whatever. Too late he had worn me down. Not sure if he would have changed with help I knew he was kind of that way when I met him but I stupidly thought it was no big deal. We were married for 7 years so I see your dilemma. Don't know what to tell you for the best short of sitting him down and telling him how unhappy all this makes you. Also when I thought about it years later we've been divorced 9 years now I realised that he had been this way since early teens just by going on conversations over our married life. He was always obsessed with sex even then and it just ballooned as he got older. Of course I don't know anything about your husband but has he had these tendencies before or is this just over the last 6 years??? I firmly believe my ex suffers from a sexual addiction but I'm not an expert to be able to say that for sure but I lived with all this long enough to know things were very wrong. Anyway didn't mean to go on and on but I totally sympathize with your situation. If you like you can e-mail me personally I spent a lot of time in therapy and feel bad that someone else is going through this too. Good luck Teresa
LauraMax
Cathlete
Are you sure he's changing? Might be that he's always had these tendencies but is now comfortable enough in your marriage to express them to you.
I really think counseling is in order here. Perhaps not even couples counseling but just someone for you to talk to, vent to, & help you accept your husband for who he is. Although I do think it would be helpful if you go together, at least for a couple of sessions. Sometimes it's easier to discuss touchy subjects w/a stranger who's a professional than trying to deal w/it on your own.
Just a suggestion--I'm no relationship expert (I'm actually an utter failure at relationships) but I'm sorry your hurting & hope you can work this out.
I really think counseling is in order here. Perhaps not even couples counseling but just someone for you to talk to, vent to, & help you accept your husband for who he is. Although I do think it would be helpful if you go together, at least for a couple of sessions. Sometimes it's easier to discuss touchy subjects w/a stranger who's a professional than trying to deal w/it on your own.
Just a suggestion--I'm no relationship expert (I'm actually an utter failure at relationships) but I'm sorry your hurting & hope you can work this out.
Well, whatever anyone's feelings on the porn issue, or even porn-=in-your-marriage issues, the reality in this situation is that the spouses have polar feelings on the issue. That's what's important here, not whether porn is inherently right or wrong or indifferent.
Also, the fact that the husband does not appear to recognize the impact of his behavior on his wife is a red flag to me. I hope the OP seriously considers finding a good counselor.
Good luck,
Marie
Also, the fact that the husband does not appear to recognize the impact of his behavior on his wife is a red flag to me. I hope the OP seriously considers finding a good counselor.
Good luck,
Marie
Timber99
Cathlete
>Also, the fact that the husband does not appear to recognize
>the impact of his behavior on his wife is a red flag to me. I
>hope the OP seriously considers finding a good counselor.
>
I disagree. I think he certainly recognizes the impact and understands how his wife feels. She's told him and they've had conversation. Apparently though, he doesn't care. His behavior says that it is "his way" and that he isn't going to act differently or bend to make her feel better. He's just going to do what he wants to make himself happy. It's a selfish attitude and it's not the way someone should behave in a marriage.
I had a somewhat similar situation in my past, where my ex and I didn't see eye to eye on porn, etc. and after years, it greatly affected me...and later, us. After all, when you have that creepy "I don't even want him next to me in bed" feeling, what happens to the intimacy in the relationship? It wasn't until I had a healthy sexual relationship afterwards that I truly realized how awfully this had effected me and my attitude towards sex, my relationship, etc. I literally was to the point where love scenes (PG rated) in a movie would tick me off.
Everyone's situation is different and you need to decide what to do about yours. My only advice is to think long and hard about what makes you happy and what you want in life. Everyone deserves happiness and you have the power to achieve it. Don't lie to yourself that things will change if he isn't doing anything to change it. Nothing happens on its own.
Good Luck
ETA: If you'd ever like to talk in more detail, feel free to write me at [email protected]
>the impact of his behavior on his wife is a red flag to me. I
>hope the OP seriously considers finding a good counselor.
>
I disagree. I think he certainly recognizes the impact and understands how his wife feels. She's told him and they've had conversation. Apparently though, he doesn't care. His behavior says that it is "his way" and that he isn't going to act differently or bend to make her feel better. He's just going to do what he wants to make himself happy. It's a selfish attitude and it's not the way someone should behave in a marriage.
I had a somewhat similar situation in my past, where my ex and I didn't see eye to eye on porn, etc. and after years, it greatly affected me...and later, us. After all, when you have that creepy "I don't even want him next to me in bed" feeling, what happens to the intimacy in the relationship? It wasn't until I had a healthy sexual relationship afterwards that I truly realized how awfully this had effected me and my attitude towards sex, my relationship, etc. I literally was to the point where love scenes (PG rated) in a movie would tick me off.
Everyone's situation is different and you need to decide what to do about yours. My only advice is to think long and hard about what makes you happy and what you want in life. Everyone deserves happiness and you have the power to achieve it. Don't lie to yourself that things will change if he isn't doing anything to change it. Nothing happens on its own.
Good Luck
ETA: If you'd ever like to talk in more detail, feel free to write me at [email protected]
debbydarestobefit
Cathlete
I've worked as an addiction counselor for many years. Not all people who enjoy porn are addicted, however, a number of people do go on to develop an addiction to it. How does one know if it's developing into a serious problem???... When it starts to interfere with other important aspects of one's life ... such as a marriage.. and then continue with it despite the problems. You can't control another's behavior, but you can agree to some limits as to how his behavior affects you directly. I suggest counseling also. Best wishes, Deb
xxx_dana_xxx
Cathlete
doesn't anyone ever try to imagine what the husbands might be experiencing from the wives in these cases? he is the subject of his own universe, he is not just an object in yours
he's not getting enough sexual attention from you. period
have you stopped having sex with him? do you reject him in bed, has all "dirty" sexuality that might have existed when you first got together stopped? men want sexual attention from their women. they have needs to, egos, feelings, but they are not WOMEN, they don't want you to hold their hand and tell them they look pretty, they want unexpected BJs in the middle of the day--thats their candy and flowers. sorry that that is reality--but it is.
he's a man, he wants sex, dirty hot sex AND romantic sex, sex you start, sex he starts. he wants it with YOU, you are his woman. do you want his marriage to you to feel like an unbearable life sentence in which he has to squelch his sexuality in constant deference to your genteel sensibilities? do you think men get married so that they can walk on eggshells forever always worried that their nature's as men will offend their wives?
how unfair it seems to me for women to tie down a man and then squelch his natural sexuality no matter WHAT he knows about your past. if your past makes it impossible for you to fulfill a husbands sexual needs you should either let him go, let him watch porn or encourage him to cheat on you.
he's not getting enough sexual attention from you. period
have you stopped having sex with him? do you reject him in bed, has all "dirty" sexuality that might have existed when you first got together stopped? men want sexual attention from their women. they have needs to, egos, feelings, but they are not WOMEN, they don't want you to hold their hand and tell them they look pretty, they want unexpected BJs in the middle of the day--thats their candy and flowers. sorry that that is reality--but it is.
he's a man, he wants sex, dirty hot sex AND romantic sex, sex you start, sex he starts. he wants it with YOU, you are his woman. do you want his marriage to you to feel like an unbearable life sentence in which he has to squelch his sexuality in constant deference to your genteel sensibilities? do you think men get married so that they can walk on eggshells forever always worried that their nature's as men will offend their wives?
how unfair it seems to me for women to tie down a man and then squelch his natural sexuality no matter WHAT he knows about your past. if your past makes it impossible for you to fulfill a husbands sexual needs you should either let him go, let him watch porn or encourage him to cheat on you.
gettingstrong
Cathlete
OMG, Please ignore the above post. It is insulting and completely ignorant!! Please do a little research on porn additiction before you post. The original poster NEVER said she did not want sex or explained 'how' she wanted sex.
SHAME ON YOU FOR POSTING LIKE THAT
SHAME ON YOU FOR POSTING LIKE THAT
>he's not getting enough sexual attention from you. period
Sheesh, this post is right out of the middle ages. (insert rolling-eye smiley)
BTW, Christine, I don't disagree with you, I just think it's difficult to tell from the limited information how much the poster has or has not shared with her spouse about her feelings and/or how he might be reacting. You may be correct that he's disregarding her feelings. Or she may not be communicating how uncomfortable she is. Regardless, I do think they need to see a counselor. Hopefully it will work out.
Sheesh, this post is right out of the middle ages. (insert rolling-eye smiley)
BTW, Christine, I don't disagree with you, I just think it's difficult to tell from the limited information how much the poster has or has not shared with her spouse about her feelings and/or how he might be reacting. You may be correct that he's disregarding her feelings. Or she may not be communicating how uncomfortable she is. Regardless, I do think they need to see a counselor. Hopefully it will work out.
Timber99
Cathlete
he is the subject
>of his own universe, he is not just an object in yours
>
Okay, this is the only thing that I can agree with in your post. The rest is unnecessarily harsh and has a nasty tone. While you could ask a poster to think from the other side and point those things out, you need not add fuel to an already burning emotional fire. We come here for support and perspective, not to get beat up.
>he's not getting enough sexual attention from you. period
>
How on earth would you have enough knowledge to know this? Maybe he gets all the attention in the world but that's not enough. If someone watches porn, it doesn't mean that they aren't getting sex.
Nature as a man? All men watch porn? All men talk dirty on phone sex? All men like dirty sex? All men want dirty talk. Not the case at all. Being a man, or a woman for that matter, doesn't predispose you to any certain sexual preference.
>how unfair it seems to me for women to tie down a man and then
>squelch his natural sexuality no matter WHAT he knows about
>your past.
If you see marriage as "tying down a man," then your logic applies. Otherwise, yeah, not so much.
ETA - to red_mct, I agree 100% It is difficult to tell without the whole story and either of our logic could apply. My post was just my gut feeling from what I saw.
>of his own universe, he is not just an object in yours
>
Okay, this is the only thing that I can agree with in your post. The rest is unnecessarily harsh and has a nasty tone. While you could ask a poster to think from the other side and point those things out, you need not add fuel to an already burning emotional fire. We come here for support and perspective, not to get beat up.
>he's not getting enough sexual attention from you. period
>
How on earth would you have enough knowledge to know this? Maybe he gets all the attention in the world but that's not enough. If someone watches porn, it doesn't mean that they aren't getting sex.
Nature as a man? All men watch porn? All men talk dirty on phone sex? All men like dirty sex? All men want dirty talk. Not the case at all. Being a man, or a woman for that matter, doesn't predispose you to any certain sexual preference.
>how unfair it seems to me for women to tie down a man and then
>squelch his natural sexuality no matter WHAT he knows about
>your past.
If you see marriage as "tying down a man," then your logic applies. Otherwise, yeah, not so much.
ETA - to red_mct, I agree 100% It is difficult to tell without the whole story and either of our logic could apply. My post was just my gut feeling from what I saw.
Liann
Cathlete
>doesn't anyone ever try to imagine what the husbands might be
>experiencing from the wives in these cases? he is the subject
>of his own universe, he is not just an object in yours
>
>
>he's not getting enough sexual attention from you. period
>
>
>have you stopped having sex with him? do you reject him in
>bed, has all "dirty" sexuality that might have existed when
>you first got together stopped? men want sexual attention
>from their women. they have needs to, egos, feelings, but
>they are not WOMEN, they don't want you to hold their hand and
>tell them they look pretty, they want unexpected BJs in the
>middle of the day--thats their candy and flowers. sorry that
>that is reality--but it is.
>
>he's a man, he wants sex, dirty hot sex AND romantic sex, sex
>you start, sex he starts. he wants it with YOU, you are his
>woman. do you want his marriage to you to feel like an
>unbearable life sentence in which he has to squelch his
>sexuality in constant deference to your genteel sensibilities?
> do you think men get married so that they can walk on
>eggshells forever always worried that their nature's as men
>will offend their wives?
>
>how unfair it seems to me for women to tie down a man and then
>squelch his natural sexuality no matter WHAT he knows about
>your past. if your past makes it impossible for you to
>fulfill a husbands sexual needs you should either let him go,
>let him watch porn or encourage him to cheat on you.
>
Is this post for real????
>experiencing from the wives in these cases? he is the subject
>of his own universe, he is not just an object in yours
>
>
>he's not getting enough sexual attention from you. period
>
>
>have you stopped having sex with him? do you reject him in
>bed, has all "dirty" sexuality that might have existed when
>you first got together stopped? men want sexual attention
>from their women. they have needs to, egos, feelings, but
>they are not WOMEN, they don't want you to hold their hand and
>tell them they look pretty, they want unexpected BJs in the
>middle of the day--thats their candy and flowers. sorry that
>that is reality--but it is.
>
>he's a man, he wants sex, dirty hot sex AND romantic sex, sex
>you start, sex he starts. he wants it with YOU, you are his
>woman. do you want his marriage to you to feel like an
>unbearable life sentence in which he has to squelch his
>sexuality in constant deference to your genteel sensibilities?
> do you think men get married so that they can walk on
>eggshells forever always worried that their nature's as men
>will offend their wives?
>
>how unfair it seems to me for women to tie down a man and then
>squelch his natural sexuality no matter WHAT he knows about
>your past. if your past makes it impossible for you to
>fulfill a husbands sexual needs you should either let him go,
>let him watch porn or encourage him to cheat on you.
>
Is this post for real????
materialsgirl
Cathlete
>
>Is this post for real????
>
I certainly hope not. This person has posted inflammatory, baseless posts like this before, only to run away and never be seen again in the same thread. Methinks we have a troll on our hands....
>Is this post for real????
>
I certainly hope not. This person has posted inflammatory, baseless posts like this before, only to run away and never be seen again in the same thread. Methinks we have a troll on our hands....
I agree. If something is making someone uncomfortable in a marriage it needs to be addressed. Telling her to be more sexual and implying it is her fault is way out of line!!!! I talk from experience after my marriage failed because of this problem my ex flat told me he had screwed up and realised what he had done. He finally saw how it had affected me and he was truly sorry. I went on to marry again and have a healthy sex life but the past still gets me sometimes. The effects linger so I hope she can find a solution to this. Teresa
pink_fortitude
Banned
Okay, I don't want to ruffle any feathers here because I know that this can be a painful and touchy subject, but do you think that DH is feeling insecure? You have posted in the past about not feeling attracted to your husband because of his weight gain, and that you had been thinking about an ex who was a rocker around your 7 year anniversary. I know that you may not have told your husband how you felt, but do you think he may have been picking some things up just from your behavior? Surely if you were thinking about another man he may have noticed that you weren't as interested in him for that time. I am not saying that what he is doing is right since it is deceitful and it hurts you, but perhaps you have been sending him messages that are making him feel like you don't want him and this is the only way he knows how to act out. From your previous posts, it does sound like you guys really do love and care for each other, so I know that you can work this out. It may be time to go to a counsilor to help you guys work through things.
Missy
Missy