Hitting Rock Bottom or damn near close....

Pinny150

Pinny150

Cathlete
I am finding that something has to give or I'm just going to lose it completely.... My once inspired, happy, smoke free life has vanished and I feel so out of control I feel I could break down at any moment. Those that I check in with regularly know of all the details of the past months for me, but I won't bore with too many of the details now.......

I have taken so many punches since January I don't know how I can manage to get myself back up again, between my mothers sickness, a horrible accident, wisdom teeth removal, a cyst that ruptured on my ovary, hospital bills, dental bills, and now I've been called back for an MRI after my first mammogram at 30 years old. (they tell me it's based on family history, but it doesnt' make it any easier or less scary)

My confession is the stress got so bad a few months ago that i bought a pack of smokes. It has gone downhill since...quit for a few days, then something else would happen, and I would go back...etc...I have never felt so down, hopeless, worthless, and guilty all at once. Especially after having quit so long and accomplished so much fitness-wise. I have lost almost ten pounds since I've had my wisdom's out almost a month ago. I don't feel motivated to work out, go out, socialize, I absolutely have to make myself.

I dont know if I am smoking again because Im just that depressed or I'm just not strong enough to deal with what comes my way. I don't know if I need help or just wait to hit rock bottom before I decide to do something. Someone suggested "talking to somebody"...but how does that work? My primary doctor thinks I'm superwoman, in fact a lot of people do...how do I admit to anyone that it's all just a front, and really I feel like the weakest, most unhappiest person in the world......

Sorry to unload, but for those of you who have the hit the bottom (and tried to hide it)....how did you do it? How do you go through hell and come out the other side intact??
 
first off, huge huggs to you. i'm so sorry your going through and have gone through so much. i can't say that i have hit rock bottom but i have been through difficult times: father died same week mom went in to have a histerectomy which was the same week my brother got in a terrible car accident all on top of school finals. what helped me was to go see a psychologist so i could express my feelings and find ways to cope without them being bad for my health. This helped tremondously. That and being open with friends and family about how i was feeling. I also tried to keep myself busy with positive things: exercise, spending time with friends and family, etc. I'm not sure that this helps you at all but wanted to know that i will pray for you and send good vibes your way. this board will give you lots of support. hang in there.
 
Pinny150 said:
I am finding that something has to give or I'm just going to lose it completely.... My once inspired, happy, smoke free life has vanished and I feel so out of control I feel I could break down at any moment. Those that I check in with regularly know of all the details of the past months for me, but I won't bore with too many of the details now.......

I have taken so many punches since January I don't know how I can manage to get myself back up again, between my mothers sickness, a horrible accident, wisdom teeth removal, a cyst that ruptured on my ovary, hospital bills, dental bills, and now I've been called back for an MRI after my first mammogram at 30 years old. (they tell me it's based on family history, but it doesnt' make it any easier or less scary)

My confession is the stress got so bad a few months ago that i bought a pack of smokes. It has gone downhill since...quit for a few days, then something else would happen, and I would go back...etc...I have never felt so down, hopeless, worthless, and guilty all at once. Especially after having quit so long and accomplished so much fitness-wise. I have lost almost ten pounds since I've had my wisdom's out almost a month ago. I don't feel motivated to work out, go out, socialize, I absolutely have to make myself.

I dont know if I am smoking again because Im just that depressed or I'm just not strong enough to deal with what comes my way. I don't know if I need help or just wait to hit rock bottom before I decide to do something. Someone suggested "talking to somebody"...but how does that work? My primary doctor thinks I'm superwoman, in fact a lot of people do...how do I admit to anyone that it's all just a front, and really I feel like the weakest, most unhappiest person in the world......

Sorry to unload, but for those of you who have the hit the bottom (and tried to hide it)....how did you do it? How do you go through hell and come out the other side intact??
Click to expand...

Unloading is one of the best things that you can do. I hit rock bottom several years ago, a job that literally drove me to drink, which brought on a bout of depression that hit me square between the eyes like a 2 X 4.

What worked for me was realizing I needed help, and simply could not do this alone..so many people feel as though they are either too weak to seek help, or too proud to seek it. Not me...I ran as fast as I could to my primary doctor and was 100% open and honest, my life simply sucked at that moment, and I wasn't about to sugar coat it.

Turns out, I am genetically disposed to depression, all of the males in my family have dealt with it to some degree. I was placed on antidepressants for life, due to my history, and began to educate myself on the disease as much as a layperson can...I learned about the benefits of exercise on mental illness, realized at the time I was diagnosed I was only lifting 12 ounce curls..that had to change, and it did.

I made my life not about myself, I made it all about my wife, and the realization that I had someone who depended upon me made all the difference in the world..I joined a gym, and found myself yelling at the top of my lungs, in a public gym, no less..how I would not let this defeat me..it's been 10 years, I'm still standing, working out harder than I ever have thanks to Cathe's challenging tapes, admitting that I need to pop a tiny little pill to help keep Humpty Dumpty together again, and like I said, I will not be defeated...my wife deserves a healthy husband, I owe that to her.

My recommendation...focus on something/someone you love, and make it about them. I wish you all the best...be honest with your physician, yourself, and your loved ones...it'd be great if this thing called life came with a how-to manual..it doesn't....but we are all worth the fight..all the best!!

Jerry
 
Iris,
I've been worried about you. Did you get last week's pm? You have had such a tough time, and I didn't even know about the MRI.
No one is Superwoman, and we all put up fronts in different ways and times. Everyone will still respect, enjoy, and care for you when they see the real you. In fact, since others will probably be able to relate better, they'll appreciate you even more.
You need to take care of yourself. I'm pm you my cell if you want to talk. Oh, and we've missed you on the check in. It's okay if you haven't exercised, ate like a horse, and slept on the couch for a few days, whatever. Just check in, please. We do care.
Cookie
 
I have never been through as much as you have all at once, but am totally in agreement that if you can find a psychologist to talk to that you may be able to find ways to deal with what comes your way that will be more beneficial than the way you are dealing with what has been thrown at you lately.

Perhaps the issues that are hitting you will have to run their course, but you need to learn to find better ways to deal with the hard times. Someone who doesn't know you can look at your life much more objectively than either you or family or friends and may be able to offer you support in a different manner.

Don't hope that it will go away or wait until you hit rock bottom, you are smart enough to realize it is too much for you right now so please help yourself now.

Does your primary need to refer you or can you just go to a psychologist without a referral? If you need your primary to refer you, take Jerry's advice and "spill the beans" leaving no bean unturned. No need to keep up a "wonder woman" front to your doc !

Go find some professional help and we will be here for your cyber support ! ;)
 
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

I really don't have much for advice, but know that there are a lot of people here who are routing for you! Try not to think about everything all at once. Just take it one day at a time! You can unload here anytime and I think it would be a good idea to find someone disinterested to talk to as suggested. Someone who can listen objectively and guide you through this.

Try not to worry too much about the repeat mammogram. You can't do any good for yourself worrying about something you don't know. Over the last four years, I have been called for repeat mammos three times. Yes, it's nervewracking and you get scared, but try to just tell yourself to wait until you get the results.

Know that I'll be sending positive thoughts your way for a good outcome and better things ahead of you!

Take care!
 
Hang in there. This has been by far the worst summer for me EVER. The thing that helps me to get through all the tough times is being grateful and happy for what I have. I have a place to live, food to eat, 2 beautiful kids, and my health. It may sound strange but things could be worse. I could be homeless, jobless, with only a few month left to live (which is my poor mother in laws situation-terminal lung cancer-they don't know if she'll make it through September). Try to take things a day at a time, .. and remember we're all here for you. Sending hugs to you. Nick Vujicic always makes me feel greatful for what I have.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9026810297916989221
 
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omg, I am dang near wearing your shoes so to speak.
I am dealing with deaths of pets, shingles, co-dependent dementia 76 yr old mother , new diagnosed diabetes for my bad self, arthritis, crack head 50 yr old brother who now has the mind of a 5 year old, etc etc etc. I weigh 168 since quiting smoking and now am fat. I haven't been able to work out much because of these relentless fricken shingles. The only reason I haven't went out and bought a pack of smokes is because I am broke and do not want to have to re- quit.I have no patience for redo's. I can only suggest trying some anti -depression meds and counseling. I have found that I not only smoked for the addiction to nicotine but it calmed my nerves down. I am now in the midst of learning how to deal with stress in new ways. This is what I am working on which is wise advice from a counselor..
PUT YOURSELF FIRST! Take care of yourself the very best you can. Eat right, sleep right, destress right. Get yourself a good support network. Make yourself your priority one!! The reason is because if you are being the best you can be then you can handle what life hands you easier and calmer. After time goes by you can look back and say to yourself "hey, I did ok during that".
Here is what is working for me so far. I started walking every eve with my dog and puppy and daughters. We have even started knocking on neighbors doors whom we know a little bit and asking them to join us with their dog. I have to walk slow because of my arthritis and tiredness from shingles but its fun , stress free and I like getting to know my neighbors and of course I am head over heels hanging with their pets.
I am also playing board games with my girls more and every sat eve we all go to my moms for cards. My daughters and I have learned how to play Triplee, Crazy Eights and Hearts. Its fun and free and we just go every sat no matter what for a few hours is all.

My point is you have to think out of the box and find things that are fun, free and destressing. Look at each situation and say to yourself..is this the best way I can handle this.
But...above all..you must make yourself PRIORITY ONE. Take CARE of yourself the very BEST you can..please remember this. The rest will fall into place one way or the other..
Peggy
 
I've only quickly read the other responses because I was so eager to respond. I first just want you to know that you are NOT alone. There are so many of us that either have gone thru times like these or are currently going thru them. So many of us understand how you're feeling this very minute. But you've taken a HUGE step in opening up and admitting you're not Superwoman. Talking is hugely important in getting to the bottom of all this. We have to take a step back from pretending and realize that we are human and that, although we are strong, we need help.

I won't bore you with the issues I've dealt with over the past 7 years. But rest assured that I understand what it feels like to hit that rock bottom, and it's not pretty. It's a hard fall and a hard struggle back up. But you can't and shouldn't do it alone and you can't hide behind the Superwoman persona.

Strip yourself down. Become a totally open book for all to see. Admit to those you trust (as you've done with us here) that you are having trouble, that you're struggling and that you need their help.

Jerry suggested to find somebody in your life to work for, and I agree with that, but you MUST work on and for YOU! You come first because if you can't help yourself, you can't help anybody else no matter WHO that is. Most importantly, you must believe that YOU ARE WORTH IT! You are worth the hard work it takes to get back to the top.

Hugs, prayers, and constant positive vibes are yours.

Gayle
 
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Wow...thanks everyone...I should have come here awhile ago. But being the way I am, I always just push everyone away and try to work it out on my own. I have discovered that it's not working for me this time!

I know we all have our struggles, it is so nice to have support, even though we've never met. My hugs and prayers to you all too!

The sad thing is, I remember giving advice to new non-smokers, among other regular problems just a year ago..........I just wonder how it all comes crashing down around you and you find yourself in that black hole:(

And for those of you who are going through struggles right along with me, do you ever ask yourself who you pissed off??




 
Pinny150 said:
And for those of you who are going through struggles right along with me, do you ever ask yourself who you pissed off??
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.....all the time! LOL I'm a firm believer in karma and what comes around goes around, so I often wonder what I've done wrong. But this belief in karma is a double-edged sword......when my DH was ill I prayed for Him to take care of me and the kids and to keep us safe. Well, DH didn't make it and I was in a very dark spot asking who WAS I to be saved yet not DH. What had I done to deserve to live? And I've tried to live my life in a way to SHOW that I DO deserve to be on this earth.

Sorry if that's too deep or getting into the topic of religious beliefs. But that 'who did I piss off' thought is double-edged.

ANYWAY.....it really does make a huge difference to speak up and speak out.

Gayle
 
I could have written your post about 10 years ago. I did go talk to a therapist and it was very helpful. I do agree you should put yourself first as Gayle says however what kept me going - one day at a time - was focusing on my children. Find something to put your focus on instead of the accumulated bigger picture. Is there a hobby or craft you enjoy - I used to lose myself in making a new quilt. Anything to re-focus myself. One day at a time it get's a tiny bit easier I promise. As for the mammo - MRI, I have a horrible family history also. My Mom and sister (currently) have been through breast cancer. I have recently had to go through a mammo and been told - oh now you need an MRI because your family history is terrible. Not because of anything found in the first test. It is frustrating, stressful and at times makes you angry. Waiting for the results is the worst. Hang in there - and know that you ARE NOT ALONE. Huge hugs to you-
 
Cookie57 said:
Iris,
I've been worried about you. Did you get last week's pm? You have had such a tough time, and I didn't even know about the MRI.
No one is Superwoman, and we all put up fronts in different ways and times. Everyone will still respect, enjoy, and care for you when they see the real you. In fact, since others will probably be able to relate better, they'll appreciate you even more.
You need to take care of yourself. I'm pm you my cell if you want to talk. Oh, and we've missed you on the check in. It's okay if you haven't exercised, ate like a horse, and slept on the couch for a few days, whatever. Just check in, please. We do care.
Cookie
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Iris...we miss you! Ditto with what Cookie said, check in when you get a chance! Im so sorry your going through such a hard time:( it looks like you've gotten alot of great advice and i hope your starting to feel better.

Great big HUGS to you! :)
 
Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through all this at once, it sounds incredibly stressful! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, this horrible period of your life will get better and one by one everything will get resolved and the trauma of each thing will fade somewhat. Hopefully next year you will have a balancing year of good news and happiness, I am wishing that for you.

You might think about getting a therapist referral from your doc, and just go to a session or two to see if it makes you feel better. I never thought of myself as the therapy type, I also am the problem solver for everyone else and everyone tells me how strong I am, but it was a huge relief for me to talk to a therapist.

Don't worry about the smoking just now. I've read that nicotine is one of the most addictive substances in the world, more so than heroin or almost anything else, most people who quit have to "practice" several times before they finally do quit completely. Obama can't quit smoking and he's otherwise extremely disciplined and measured in his actions. This is something you will definitely conquer again so don't be too hard on yourself right now, berating yourself is not what you need to be doing right now.

Cyber hugs to you, hang in there!
 
Iris, I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time! If you need to talk , pm me your phone number. Remember we're all here for you. You gotten alot of great advice here. It will get better. (((((HUGS)))))
 
I am sorry for all that you are going through! HUGS to you and wishing you success with all that is confronting you.

Regina
 
Pinny150 said:
Wow...thanks everyone...I should have come here awhile ago. But being the way I am, I always just push everyone away and try to work it out on my own. I have discovered that it's not working for me this time!

I know we all have our struggles, it is so nice to have support, even though we've never met. My hugs and prayers to you all too!

The sad thing is, I remember giving advice to new non-smokers, among other regular problems just a year ago..........I just wonder how it all comes crashing down around you and you find yourself in that black hole:(

And for those of you who are going through struggles right along with me, do you ever ask yourself who you pissed off??




Click to expand...

As a matter of fact, I do...check out my post "How's your week been" on this forum.

Seriously...I was able to laugh about everything, so there's hope for me yet, I guess.
 
banslug said:
I've only quickly read the other responses because I was so eager to respond. I first just want you to know that you are NOT alone. There are so many of us that either have gone thru times like these or are currently going thru them. So many of us understand how you're feeling this very minute. But you've taken a HUGE step in opening up and admitting you're not Superwoman. Talking is hugely important in getting to the bottom of all this. We have to take a step back from pretending and realize that we are human and that, although we are strong, we need help.

I won't bore you with the issues I've dealt with over the past 7 years. But rest assured that I understand what it feels like to hit that rock bottom, and it's not pretty. It's a hard fall and a hard struggle back up. But you can't and shouldn't do it alone and you can't hide behind the Superwoman persona.

Strip yourself down. Become a totally open book for all to see. Admit to those you trust (as you've done with us here) that you are having trouble, that you're struggling and that you need their help.

Jerry suggested to find somebody in your life to work for, and I agree with that, but you MUST work on and for YOU! You come first because if you can't help yourself, you can't help anybody else no matter WHO that is. Most importantly, you must believe that YOU ARE WORTH IT! You are worth the hard work it takes to get back to the top.

Hugs, prayers, and constant positive vibes are yours.

Gayle
Click to expand...

I smell what the Gayle-ster's cooking here!!! Although my life is all about DW, I had to improve myself so I could be there for her, the path I was on was leading me into dogdirt, and she deserves the best hubby possible, although I am still marvelously flawed..I'll never stop working to improve in all facets of life!
 
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