Children invited or not invited to wedding - etiquette

S

sophiem

Cathlete
It seems there are two camps on this. One camp is that weddings are a part of family and children are a part of that and should be included in attending a wedding and reception. The other camp is that children can be a distraction, they can become bored and misbehave, etc. In our situation, we have a family member whose 2 small children misbehave and are rarely supervised. Unfortunately, putting Mr. and Mrs. Smith on the invitation won't be enough of a clue for them to not bring their children. If they attend, they will be flying in from out of state.

My daughter, the bride, is uncomfortable putting "adults only" on the invitation because she feels like it comes across as cold, although she is very concerned about these kids. I read a suggestion somewhere to put on the R.S.V.P. card "Number of adults attending ________". I've heard others say that you should allow them to come, but provide a babysitter and let the people with children know that. Still, then the bride is having to find a quality sitter and then pay them for hours of babysitting? Seems alot to ask.

Forgive the ramble. Anyone that could throw me a line here on ideas, experiences, etc., would be great so that I can help advise my daughter.
 
When I got married, I put No Children on the invitation. DH ad I actually got into a fight about it but I would not back down. I turned into Bridezilla. My reasoning is that it is my day and I don't want anything to interfere with it or go wrong. Unruly children were a no-no.
Your daughter has to put her foot down and make a decision. Is it going to be about her or is it going to be about pleasing everyone else. No matter what, someone is going to be Pi**ed off.

Maybe your daughter or a close family member can talk to the couple about the behaviour of their kids. That may work also.
 
I've never had to grapple with the issue, but I've read plenty of Ann Landers and Dear Abby columns on the subject.

I would suggest putting "Adults only please" (don't forget the "please" but don't overemphasize it), AND put on the RSVP card "Number of persons attending" (that keeps the invitees honest about how many they intend to bring). And the bride-elect, unfortunately, will have to compare the RVSPs to the invitees on the guest list, to make sure they are not trying to squirt kids in under the wire.

I'll bet you a day's pay, however, that at least one couple thinks their moppet is just so darn cute that your daughter couldn't POSSIBLY have meant them too, and you'll find that out on the wedding day when you're in the worst possible position to do anything about it.

A-Jock
 
RE: Children invited or not invited to wedding - etique...

When DH and I got married we decided that we did not want all sorts of kids there. We DID, however, want our nieces and nephews there so that is where we drew the line. When we addressed invitations for our sisters we added "and Family" to the invitation to show that the children were invited. When we addressed the invitations to all others with kids we left that part out to show that the kids were not invited. One couple with a child that was not invited questioned whether thier daughter was invited when they received the invite and did not see her name or "and family". They were told no, the girl was not able to attend. They said they did not have a babysitter so couldn't come. That was fine with us and not another word was said about it. We were not going to feel guilty. Everyone else with kids who were not invited were able to make it. This particular couple, we feel, was just being spiteful because that's the way they are.

I agree with your daughter that terming it "adults only" is harsh and I would not choose to do that either. I would hope that if this couple gets an invite with no indication that thier child is invited, that they would question it before ASSUMING it was an addressing mistake and just bring the child along! Is there someone close to the couple that can talk to them after the invites have been received and non-chalantly try to find out if they think the child is invited and is coming? Either that, or, just wait for the response and if they put "3" then you know a call needs to be made to advise them of thier mistake.

HTH and sorry for rambling! :)
 
I feel it's OK to put the request No Children on the invitation. Sometimes you have to just spell it out so everyone gets the message. Out-of-control children have no place at a wedding.
Just Do It! :)
 
I think it's fine to say "Adults only, please." I don't think children really belong at a wedding; even the very cute ones get really bored within a short time, they generally don't like the food, are sliding all over the dance floor, etc.

I do think, however, if these people are flying in from out of state and you do not want their children to come, that you do provide the name of someone who can babysit. I have a cousin who actually arranged for two sitters to come to her mom's house and then provided that information on an insert inside the invitation for her guests with kids. That worked out really beautifully.

Good luck! I hope it works out for you!
Marie
 
RE: Children invited or not invited to wedding - etique...

We put adults only please on our invites. We did have a few kids but they were part of the wedding ceremony. I just didn't want ill-behaved children running around disrupting my day. If kids were better behaved I would have no issue having them at weddings. I went to many weddings as kid.

Also, I think it's necessary to spell it out these days. I've actually had dinner parties and had people show up with their kids and say, "Hope you don't mind." So, lack of manners being what they are today, I'd spell it out -politely.

Ok. Well now that I am depressed by the state of humanity, I'm gonna hunt down some java. :D

Sparrow
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
I think it's really up the bride and groom whether they want children. I got married about 5 years ago in a daytime wedding, and I loved having my wonderful nieces and nephews and several other children at the wedding. But I didn't invite EVERYONE's children. For example, I didn't invite co-workers or distant relatives to bring their kids. I just invited the kids I wanted. I had quite a few great kids at the wedding, and I even supplied little toys and coloring books and stuff at the place settings. The facility where I had the wedding had a person on staff to babysit, but as it turned out I think only one or two kids actually used the babysitter. The rest were out on the dance floor having a great time!

My general feeling was, that if it was a close relative, I invited their kids, but I must admit we don't have any problem kids in our family. If there were a particular family where I wanted to exclude the kids, I would just go right ahead and do so and use any method available to make my wishes clear. I'm just saying that you should consider all the extra joy and fun (and photo ops!) that comes from having kids at the wedding. Then, if your daughter decides to exclude them, she should do so with impunity.

-Nancy
 
We just didn't include "and family" or the children's names on the invites, everyone caught on except my one cousin who wanted to bring her 13 year old girls - I said no (actually my mom did :))- she and her husband said they couldn't make it b/c they wouldn't be able to find a babysitter. It wasn't that I didn't think they could behave, I just have lots of cousins and relatives w/ kids and had to draw the line at "no kids", I don't think you can selectively invite some kids without hurting feelings.

I always cringe when I see "adults only" or "no children" on an invitation... I think that most people understand how invitations work. Maybe she could include a short note to the couple explaining that the wedding is adults only due to the size of the guest list, etc.

Good luck!
 
RE: Children invited or not invited to wedding - etique...

We always assume that if the invitation says "and family," it means that the kids are invited. If it doesn't say that, we leave them at home. I wouldn't expect a friend to invite my whole family, but would expect to bring children if it was family member's wedding. Last summer, my daughter baby sat for 2 families from out of town whose children weren't invited. They rented a room at a hotel with a pool and provided meals, games and any transportation. She kept the kids at the church, while the ceremony was taking place, then went out to a fast food lunch with the parents and kids, then back to the hotel during the reception. It seemed to work out well for all involved.
 
RE: Children invited or not invited to wedding - etique...

Weddings have changed so much over the years. When I got married 21 years ago it was common place to invite children. When I was a kid weddings were treated as family affairs and kids always went to the reception.

Kids today, however, are not trained in social skills IMHO. My and earlier generations were more and better disciplined. Also, we interacted more with the people in our environment--we didn't have electroic games and such...but I digress--LOL!

I think if you don't want out of town guests to bring children you should provide a babysitter. I think it's unfair to expect out of towners to buy a gift, spend time and money on travel with possible hotel expenses, and expect them to fork over money for a babysitter too.

When we put together a 50th wedding anniversary bash for my inlaws, kids were not invited to the dinner at a 4* french restaurant (obviously, kids would not have liked that). Instead, we hired babysitters, reserved a conference room at a local hotel, ordered in pizza's and provided all kinds of snacks, rented videos, supplied games and coloring books,etc. We paid for all of it because we felt it was too much to ask of our out of town guests. We truly loved the people we invited and didn't want anything to hinder them from sharing this special occasion with us.

Michele
 
RE: Children invited or not invited to wedding - etique...

When DH and I were married 10+ ago we had an adult only(this to us was teen and up) reception also but mainly for the fact that we had so many people to invite that room became an issue and children were easiest to eliminate and the family and friends that were coming from out of town did not have small children. The only person that this effected was my sister with at the time her newborn son(3mths) but we had a friend volunteer to leave the reception early to care for the baby. Sometimes it just has to be done, in our situation my FIL is one of 10 children and each of those kids had 3+ kids and now those kids have kids :) and it was not in the budget to rent out Madison Square Garden for our reception! I would say it is your DD and SIL wedding and if they would rather have a Adult only reception then so be it, but I would also try to provide a babysitter.
 
RE: Children invited or not invited to wedding - etique...

Thank you so much for all the great feedback. I'll have lots of good options to throw her way.
 
RE: Children invited or not invited to wedding - etique...

If the bride and groom don't want children there then that is the way it should be. However, there are things you should consider...

1. Be specific yet polite on the invite. That way, there is no room for interpretation and therefore she doesn't have to spell it out to any individuals. That could be uncomfortable.

2. If you say no kids, then no kids. My mom went to one like this but the bride told her "Oh, you can bring your granddaughter"...well, parents approached my mom and they were MAD. "We had to get a sitter...pay X amount per hour...why were you excluded from the rule"...well, the bride said it was o.k....now the Bride is on the sh!t list.

3. If no kids, be prepared to have some not show up at all...the parents may not even come and it wouldn't be out of spite, either. I didn't attend a (family) wedding because my children were not invited. I was not one bit offended...it's just that we don't do things/activities were our children are not welcome, we wouldn't have any fun without our kids. I know we were not the only ones who did not attend for that same reason...that may mean no wedding gift, too!

Bottom line, they should do exactly what they want to do regardless of what others think. It's their day! However, be prepared for all possible outcomes.
 
Augh. I feel your pain on this one. My DH's family seems to think that EVERYONE wants to be around all of their kids all the time. DH is #9 of 10 kids. His mom is the oldest of 9. ALL of these people live here. One of his aunts is a few years older than us, with little kids -- she brings them to every function, even when she's the only one invited!!

To handle this, our wedding invitations stated Adult Reception to Follow Immediately (our ceremony and reception were at the same place).

I did hire a sitter (well, my mom did ;)) for any out of town guests who had to bring kids (but did not announce this to locals who could get their own sitter).

If the reception is at a hotel, the sitter can watch the kids there. In my case, the sitter was at my parents' house.

There were no unwelcome guests at the wedding. No one complained to me about the adult-only reception. And the young kids from out of town were happy to have Disney movies and snack food for the night.

ETA: Weddings are expensive to throw. $20 for a plate of chicken nuggets and soda adds up quickly. Then you throw in the parents who do not supervise their children, and suddenly the bride, the groom and all the other guests have an unwelcome distraction. I would not skip a family function because my kids were not invited. Not all functions should include kids. Birthday parties? Yes. Holiday picnics? You bet. But expensive weddings that take months of planning? That is a very personal choice on behalf of the ones footing the bill.
 
I just personally think it is rude to say no kids invited. That is just my personal opinion. If you invite a single person you say, and guest, but you don't specify who they can and cannot invite. They could bring the most annoying person on the face of the earth, which I have seen happen. heheheh. I just think that weddings are people events, and if you invite a whole bunch of people, you have to accept them all, old, young, annoying, getting drunk off their butts, whatever. I have gotten a couple of invitations lately saying, no kids, and I just thought it was very rude. Like I said, just my own opinion.
 
I agree with both sides presented here. Your wedding should be everything you want it to be. If having kids there would ruin some aspects for you then it's your option to request that they not come. You have to accept that people may choose not to attend to your wedding though.

How important is it that people come to your wedding? Just as it is your choice whether or not to invite families, it's their choice whether or not to come. If they choose not to attend I don't think it would be out of spite any more than your choice not to invite the kids. I haven't been invited to anything that excluded my family and depending on the event and how important it was to me, I probably wouldn't go. It's a matter of how we've always functioned, I have only hired a sitter (a home sitter, not daycare) a handful of times in my kids' life.

I guess it depends on the overall feel of the wedding. There were tons of kids at my wedding and I think it added a lot to the fun.
 
RE: Children invited or not invited to wedding - etique...

From someone who has been there....I highly recommend you not have them if you don't want them. As much as I love my nieces and nephews during my wedding ceremony, my young nephew yelled out, "I got to pee." In order to quiet him, my dear father took him to the bathroom. My father wasn't available to light the candles for his part during the wedding ceremony because of my nephew's outburst. It does not give me warm fuzziesx(

Just don't be afraid to say no...

Robin
 
RE: Children invited or not invited to wedding - etique...

>From someone who has been there....I highly recommend you not
>have them if you don't want them. As much as I love my nieces
>and nephews during my wedding ceremony, my young nephew yelled
>out, "I got to pee." In order to quiet him, my dear father
>took him to the bathroom. My father wasn't available to light
>the candles for his part during the wedding ceremony because
>of my nephew's outburst. It does not give me warm fuzziesx(
>

I should add.... my DH disagrees, he thought it made our wedding funny. Men, got to love them... :)

Robin
 
I've never had my kids excluded for anything. And I wouldn't go if they would ever be. That wouldn't seem right to me.

After reading "wedding posts" over the past few years, I've noticed a truly cultural difference concerning weddings compared to Dutch / European weddings.
 
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