Will having a child give your life purpose??

[naughtoj]

I am 29 years old, unsure if I want kids, hubby wants them for reasons he cannot explain. I have hit a time in my life when I feel like I am "looking for something", that I feel incomplete. I am not really a career person, just want to like what I do and make some decent money at it. So far, I have been searching through career fields and settled on nursing, for the science of it and the flexibility. I will be starting school in July. I know no one is going to advise me to get pregnant now (GASP!) before nursing school, but I still want your opinion.



I feel like my life has no real purpose, like I am going nowhere. The thought of pregnancy excites me, but I don't know if it is just because it is something new. My hubby and I have a great relationship. I see having a child as being financially devastating, but I always see glasses half empty and the reality is financially we are not too bad. Do you think I really want to have a child but because of my personality talk myself out of it or do you think I am using having a child to fill some other hole in my soul?


I wonder sometimes because my family acts like I would be a bigger success in life if I had just had children and done nothing professionally. Sometimes I think deep down I am just trying to win their approval. It is hard to tell what I really want. Is it a child or my family's seal of approval? Why did you all want kids, especially your first??

 

[wendymin72]

Hi Janice.

Wow, that's a tough one...

I am pregnant with my first child. I don't have any reason which I can clearly explain or put my finger on for wanting children. This is just something I knew I wanted for years.

IMO the decision to have kids is not a decision that one comes to consciously...I think it's just a feeling that comes from inside one's self...it's in your heart and in your soul and you just know one day that you were meant to have a baby, or vice versa if having children is not in one's future...

Sorry I couldn't give you a more defined answer!

HTH. Good luck with nursing school!


Have a great work out!

~Wendy~

I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN

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[purple_magada]

Hi Janice. Before I had my son I was unsure about kids. I knew that I wanted children but wasn't sure when and the whole thought was scary. When I became unexpectedly pregnant everything changed. You cannot imagine the love that you feel for you child. It is undescribable (sp?). I couldn't imagine my life without our son.

As for the financial side of it, the first year didn't really cost us much. My mom had a baby shower for me and I got plenty of clothes, etc. I nursed my son his first year so I had no formula cost. I also used cloth diapers the first few months so I didn't have to buy diapers. Our biggest cost is daycare but he is worth every penny.

Good luck in nursing school! I"m sure that you will know when and if the time is right for you.

 

[dlavie]

I'm a dad to 16 yr old twins, both special needs. I don't know about the "purpose" part. I had plenty of "purpose" before parenthood. All of my purpose and priorities changed shortly after becoming a dad.

Your life has purpose now, you maybe haven't discovered it yet. Some people never do. Some people wander aimlessly and then have a blinding flash or inspiration and then they know. Two diverse examples: Mother Theresa as a young nun taught at girl's school that had no poverty and hardship, when another nun advised her not to go into a certain section of Calcutta because that's where the poor lived, she then knew her life' mission. Larry Bird, one of the greatest players in the NBA never touched a basketball until he was 13 and even then he didn't like it.

Your life will definitely have purpose after you have a child, you may feel like you lose your identity though. After 16 years I still bristle when an adult refers to me as Scott's dad or Dal's dad. Of all my titles I do like "Dad" the best.

It's not a decision to go into quickly, you'll make the right choice.

Dave

 

[shopaholic]

Noone can tell you the right choice for you. First though, you need to feel better about yourself and figure why you feel so lost. I am a therapist so I do recommend some brief counseling to help sort out your feelings. I have 1 18 month old and love her dearly but as you stated a child is financially draining and especially in the beginning is emotionally draining and you get little in return. On the flip end, I have neighbors across the street in the late 40's who now regret not having a child. I waited until i was 32 to get pregnant because I feared how much it would change my life, it did , but I was so ready the changes were welcome. Along with the stress, a child brings alot of joy into your life.

 

[naughtoj]

I appreciate all your responses. I agree with Shopaholic in that I have to get to the root of my feelings. I am in that process now. Again, thanks all!

 

[leighanntx1]

Have you considered therapy to get to the root of it all? Not that it works for everyone but my DH really had a great experience when he was struggling with life's purpose.

We have been married for over 6 years and went back and forth forever about having children. I always wanted to be a Mom but DH was not so sure. He is already looking forward to retirement (I am 32 and he is 35) and since we both knew I would stay home, that certainly puts a kink in really early retirement. I am an accountant and once I quit, our income will drop by a third. In the end, we just decided to go for it and put it in God's hands and since we were pregnant in one month, we are taking that to mean that it was meant to be.

I wish you the absolute best of luck in your soul-searching. Having children or not is such an extremely personal decision and such a tough one. It definitely changes your life in every way.