why do the people we love the most hurt us the most?

C

cookiebaby

Cathlete
Hi everyone! I need to vent. My mom is driving me crazy. My mom has always been unhealthy, sedentary and living on high fat foods. She is overweight, diabetic and suffering from other diseases related to poor lifestyle habits. She has throughout life tried every diet and fad out there. She sticks to nothing. As a child, she didn't show us to be healthy. She didn't believe in exercise and we ate lots of fast food and junk food. As I got older, I educated myself on nutrition and training. I did have a period where I ate horrible and gained weight. Now I am eating great, working out, and feeling wonderful. All my life, my mom has thrown diet books in my face and criticized me about my weight. So I go to her house and she is all upset about my weight loss and says I only did it by taking laxatives and vomiting. NO way!!!!!!!!!!! And then she totally dismisses what I am doing and replies " Well you'll only gain it all back" So I got upset and left. She then calls my sister and says I think I'm all that and stuff. She totally doesn't talk to my other sister who is beautiful, thin and smart. She is jealous. Is it my fault about her life? THen she sends me a diet pill ad in the mail. What am I to do? She is driving me mad!
Cookiex(
 
I think it's great that you have enough perspective to see that her motives are motivated out of her own insecurity. Most people can't see that. You won't be able to change her; as you know now, the only time people change is when they want to change.

However, even though she's your mom, you don't have to let her little dramas affect you. Her relationship with your other sister is their problem. If you mom picks on YOU you can choose to either address it ("Mom, what would make you say something like that to me?" "Excuse me, did you just say what I thought you said?") or ignore it. Or pretend you misheard her.

There are some people in this world that get their energy from other people's distress and sadness. Some refer to them as psychic vampires, only halfway jokingly. The way to deal with them is not to give them what they want: your unhappiness or being upset.

You have the distance to see why she's doing this; now just take it one step further and stop feeding it. I bet it stops. Good luck, and good for you for breaking the family pattern!


242/151/135
 
That is such a touchy topic b/c she is your mom, but at the sametime, no one as the right to treat anyone that way.
I think that overweight people ,think that thin people never eat.And that is the only reason why they are thin.I don't consider myself to be thin, I think I am average and I still get people asking me if I eat very much.Imagine someone commenting on what you eat.
Your mother is obviously a very unhappy person who wants everyone else around her to be unhealthy and miserable.It is easier then we think to get caught up in it.If you spend to much time around someone, then you are bound to pick up their bad habits.She also sounds like a very selfish women.Instead of congratulating you on your weight loss and healthy lifestyle,she wants to you feel bad about yourself and bring you down.
Over the years (probably before you were born) your mother must have had some what of a hard time.Maybe something happened in her childhood (hurt) and she as been covering things up with food.She is obviously very unhappy on the inside.
If she were anyone related to me, I would tell her, that her attitude and selfishness does nothing for me.If she doesn't change the way she treats other people she will be seeing alot less of me.Tell her that you love her but you hate the way she is acting.I would also ask her why she feels the need to bring you down.
You know the saying.."Misery loves company"
Good luck,
Lori
 
Hi Cookie,

Gotta tell that I love that name.

About your Mom - it all comes down to control. She wants to control you. Self discipline leads to strength and independence.

As hard as it is for me to believe - my mother has been less than kind to me about working out and eating right. I have lost 2 sisters to cancer so you would think that she would be happy that I want to take care of myself. Instead she thinks it takes time away from what I should be doing - spending time with her eating junk and playing cards. I hate cards, I want to be up moving. (I have to admit to liking the candy though). My Mom points out every negative article about working out that she comes across.

Bottom line - don't let her get to you.

JoJo
 
I'm going to get roasted for this .... but just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean you owe her anything. Honey how could her life and the choices she made be YOUR fault?????????? It's not. She's an adult - the same as you - and she has made her choices. She has to live with the consequences of those choices - you do not. Short of ignoring her for the rest of your life (and I am not suggesting you do that) you have very little choice at all. She is who she is, and you are who you are. Still, she is your mom, so be there for her when she needs you, and let her know you love her. But you most certainly don't have to let her bully you, or insult you, or hurt you like this. Giving birth to someone doesn't mean you have the right to treat them like crap for the rest of their lives. Your mom sounds like an extremely immature and unhappy person. Been there. Your mom and mine could be clones, from what you've written here. Hang in there! You have a life to live, and I think you should live it and try not to let her get to you.

Carol
:)
 
Catew,

What an intelligent, wise, and thoughtful post. I love it, too, that you gave me a name for "psychic vampires." We all know them, but I didn't know what to call them until now.

Shari
 
It sounds to me like your Mother is very selfish and thinking only of herself. I mean, really, what MOther calls up the "other sister" to slag off her child? Just doesn't sit well with me i'm afraid. Sounds to me like she is blaming overone else but herself for the state she is in and when someone (you) take charge of your life and health and weight she doens't like it and would rather think that you did it some unhealthy way. Sigh... frankly let her think what she wants. I would however tell her you love her, but calling up the sister and speaking badly of you is unacceptable and you don't appreciate that.

Wayne.
 
Your mother sounds like she has a lot of demons.

It always amazes me when I hear parents treating their children so poorly. The really sad thing is, until you come to terms with it and understand it, our parents the power to wound us beyond words.

I have a daughter and a grand-daughter and I have always tried to encourage them and help them. But, on the other hand, while my Mom doesn't sound as sick as yours, she can be extremely passive/aggressive.

I suggest talking to a counselor of some sort, even if it's through your church. Sometimes just vocalizing, like you did in this post really helps.:7
 
I agree with many of the posts. Your mom is being selfish and very unkind, not to mention extremely disfunctional. It is completely selfish of her to treat you in that manner. If a complete stranger treated you like that, I'd be offended...but given its your mother, its 5 thousand times worse. You don't need to be in a disfunctional relationship and need to articulate this to her, in a highly mature manner. Perhaps you should tell her that she should seek the assistance of a professional to help her interact with her family members in a non-confrontational, negative manner. If she won't seek assistance, then you need to read some books about maintaining your sanity with a very unhealthy individual. I pray for you because I know how difficult a challenge this can be. I am sorry your mother isn't treating you properly. I do hope that she seeks the help she needs and you cope with it the way you've changed your life style and habits for the better! Good luck! All the best.
 
Hi there,

I truly sympathise. I have had similar battles with my mother. It is truly amazing how much our parents’ words can really hurt in a way that others don’t. My mother’s comments about my awful skin and plump backside (made over 15 years ago) haunt me to this very day when neither are an issue any longer!!

I actually confronted my mother in the end about this and various other things. It was not easy and she was very, very upset. However, now that I am a mother myself and am constantly affirming my young son rather than putting him down, I realised there was something fundamentally flawed in her behaviour and that I was perfectly justified in airing my grievances.

Be realistic as your mother may never change or may not appreciate your comments or even accept them as being true. Talk to her, in love, and be prepared to accept whatever she dishes out, knowing that, most importantly, you have relayed the message to her.

Best of luck – you are in my thoughts
 
Cookie:
While reading your post I actually felt a shiver, in that I could have written it myself. I've dealt with the same situation for years (unhappymother, jealous of my accomplishments, constantly trying to upset me) and I've never really talked about it b/c I thought I was the only one!! I've never been able to grasp the concept of a parent being so.......mean (for lack of a better word)to their child! I feel for you and although everyone close to me has told me to just ignore her and try not to let it affect me, that's just almost impossible when it's your own mom.
The only thing that helps me is assuming that what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger. It also assures me that when I do have children (none yet!) that I will never hurt them in this way b/c I've been on the receiving end. Good luck in dealing and stay strong!
 
My mom also can literally suck the life out of me but over the years I have slowly learned not to let what she does or says affect me, as someeone else posted just because she gave birth to you does not mean she has the right to torture you. My mom used to do all the above crud... trying to push my buttons, jealous, overly opinionated. Until I started not taking her calls as much and just backing off..now she probably talks to me once a week and she does not have as much time to complain and push my buttons. I love her but I do keep her at a arms length and if she starts walking over the line, I will just be "too busy" for her. She tends to get the hint. I too have tried to convert my mother to a healthier lifestyle to no avail (even though she had breast cancer at 41), she is very inactive and eats poorly. You can not force a lifestyle on someone they have to want it for themselves and until then there is nothing you can do. As far as insults about your lifestyle, I really do think it is about jealousy that you have a strong willpower to stick to fitness plan...think about the days that you have to push yourself to workout when your sore, exhusted or just feel like s@#$. That is where the willpower comes in and I think that creates jelousy. Because you are strong inside and out..I think that eats at people.
 
Thank you everyone for your posts. They were kind and very thoughtful. You are all my friends! It is nice to know that I'm not the only one with a crazy mother. I do love her but I am going to have to keep her at a distance. She will always be who she is. On a side note, my older sister (the healthy, beautiful, thin one who my mother doesn't talk to) is going to be in a fitness magazine! She also got a proposal to pose for Playboy (she said no to that but it is nice they asked and think she looks so good at 40)I'd like to be in a magazine too. THat inspires me!!!! Cookiebaby
 
If it is any consolation, my mother (long deceased because she self destructed) NEVER was pleased with anything I did.

I can remember her exercising to Jack Lalayne (sp) and doing a Royal Canadian Airforce workout.

She looked great and never had a weight problem.

But she never supported me when I took dance classes (my father is who enrolled me) and she thought if I worked out I was being "selfish" and neglecting my family.

She died at a young age -- it is scary that I am almost as old as both my parents when they died.

Just try to accept your mother for who she is. You can't change a person -- but you can change how you respond to a person.
 
You will get no roasting from me, Carol. What you said is dead-on!

Just because a person is blood related to you is no excuse for mental abuse and being an emotional vampire like this Mother is doing!
 
RE: why do the people we love the most hurt us the most...

Cookie, I actually began to cry reading your message. I know how painful it is to have someone cut you up about something you've worked hard to succeed at. First, I admire you and have a lot of respect for you for putting yourself out there and changing your own lifestyle on your own. You deserve a huge applaud. Seems strange to me that she is upset with you that you've taken her advice(I mean she threw diet books in your face, afterall). To think, she could actually take credit for at least pushing you to go the distance. I'm thinking that, yes, she might be jealous indeed(that you did it completely and first), and even more I'm thinking she probably feels more like a failure than ever simply because you went ahead and did what she hoped to do by learning how to eat right, change your bad habits.. etc.
I am just guessing here, trying to analyze her thinking a bit.
So, I'm guessing that rather than excuse herself for her own unhealthy lifestyle, she is cutting you up with the idea that if she couldn't do it herself than no one could possibly do it themselves either, without the help of meds and other such wrongful assistance.
I don't think that deep inside her head she actually believes what she is saying when she hurts you with her words. Deep inside, she is probably just wollowing in her own anger with herself. Sometimes, Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.
Maybe she feels so much self pity that she has to make you feel as though it won't last, as it apperently did not work for her. Perhaps she is too ashamed to ask for help, but inside she is possibly desperate for help.
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics: It is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and seperates the victim from reality.
I think that after you leave your moms feeling terribly hurt, your mother is feeling terribly guilty, and rather than admit her mistake, disturbed, she then calls your sister in an effort to gain sympathy. she see's her self as a victim, and I don't think she sees that she is part of what you did for yourself. Not that I think it would make a difference, but if you understand that each time she sees you, it makes her see that a healthy lifestyle can be achieved and her feelings of failure just eat her up all over again...then you can understand that she isn't actually saying these things to hurt you, she is using these hurtful words as a scapegoat for her own self pity.
It isn't about you...it is about her. She says to you "you will only gain it back again". If you think about it, this is the first thing we think to ourselves when we attempt to BEGIN any weight loss effort that seems unachievable. a sort of "why bother" spiteful energy. she isn't talking about you, she is talking about herself and it's easier to put the blame on someone else when you are consumed with self pity.
What to do? Let her say what she will. she is venting her own pain. only talk about YOUR success when she isn't around, by all means don't send her anything about dieting etc. and next time you go to her house, stick a daily meditaions calendar up on her fridge.
http://www.calendars.com/xq/asp/TID.{C9A0997E-F688-4962-BC66-9686897FBA40}/PID.1/MGID.-1/IID.9584/qx/product.htm <copy and paste in your urrl.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~Good luck sweetie, you are better than "all that!"
 
RE: why do the people we love the most hurt us the most...

The mother/daughter relationship is a hard one. Harder than dealing with one's father. I think the best advice, and I don't recall where I heard it, was, "you cannot change how the situation is, but, you CAN change the way you choose to REACT to it" This has helped me alot.Dianne
 
RE: why do the people we love the most hurt us the most...

> I think that overweight people ,think that thin people never
>eat.And that is the only reason why they are thin.I don't
>consider myself to be thin, I think I am average and I still
>get people asking me if I eat very much.Imagine someone
>commenting on what you eat.

This is so true. It has happened to me quite a lot, but recently I had a very dear friend insinuate that I had an "eating disorder", and it devastated me! I am thin, but I am healthy as a horse. I work hard to be healthy and it hurt to the bone that she thought my weight was due to an unhealthy lifestyle. I confronted her in a nice way about her motives, and she just dismissed it, saying she didn't know what possessed her to say such a thing. :-( I'm thinking jealousy, a misplaced sense of helpfulness... who knows?

Another thought, regarding the orginal question about why people we love the most hurt us the most.... I think it's because we do love these people that we allow them to affect our serenity and well being. You don't care what someone you dislike says or thinks, therefore when someone you love (your friend, parent, etc) says something hurtful, it cuts even deeper.

My advice is to maintain a good relationship with your mom if at all possible, but take away her power to hurt you. Don't give any validity to her comments or actions, and that will help your state of mind. Good luck! :)
 
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