what would you do?

L

laura35

Cathlete
Hi,
Tonight my son had a baseball game and ended up sitting the bench 4innings before my husband pulled him out of the game and we ended up leaving. My son also sat 2innings the last game they played. My son and its not just because he is my son but he is a good baseball player. To top it all off his coach is our dentist. My husband doesnt want my son to play baseball for him anymore because of this. I also felt bad for my son because he sat there like why am I not playing. The coach let a kid who hasnt showed up to hardly any of the practices or games because they were on vacation,play every inning which I dont think is fair. My son has attended every practice and all games. Well this was their third game. First game ,he did play all innings. I just dont know what to do,it really makes me feel bad for my son and also, my other two children are scheduled to go visit him(the coach) at his office for dental visits.
Yes the coach has a son on the team that never sits the bench. I could see if he played my son half the game and sat him out half the game but that wasnt the case. He had plenty of kids to rotate on innings.Why would someone want to make a kid feel bad like that?Especially zachary is very athletic and loves sports and was really getting into baseball being it is his first year playing. I hope the coach didnt make him not want to play baseball again. But myhusband sure wont let him play on his team anymore. As a mother, it really is bothering me and makes me want to cry at how my son seemed to feel. anyway,didnt know if anyone had similiar experience before?
 
Laura,

I don't have any children, but my friend has three children who all play basebal, they are on traveling teams and so forth and she goes through the same thing sometimes. One of her girls is the one of the better players, and a lot of times the coach makes her sit the game out. My friend was very angry about this and went to talk to the coach about it. His answer was that she is so good that he wants to give others a chance.
I know that this is not a good answer on his part but thought I would just mention it to you. Can you talk to your sons coach about it?

Another thing my friend mentioned, that baseball has become so competitive in grade school, that sometimes the coaches forget about the kids and just focus on the winning. But then again, you say Zachary is good, so I don't know what the coaches reasoning is behind this. Could he be jealous that Zach is better than his son? Just random thoughts of mine.............

Kathy
 
Talk to the coach before you yank him off of the team. You said he sat four innings, but that was NOT the whole game. The coach may have put him in later had you waited. Please talk to the coach before you do anything else.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain ;-)
 
thanks for the replies. I dont know the reasoning for him sitting out but like I said lastnights game wasnt the first time and that is why my husband is fuming. I know each kid should have to sit out innings but it should go for all kids ,not just certain ones. My husband doesnt want me to talk with the coach because I offered to. He says he knows why we had zachary leave the game. I guess before I got there my husband went over and said, your sitting the bench again,right in front of both coaches and nothing was said. He has a game on sunday and I guess I will see if the coach calls when zach doesnt show up for it,If he does we will tell him why,at least this is my husbands thoughts. I agree about just wanting to win thing, he gets pretty rude with the kids sometimes. I feel sorry for this one little boy, he has no patience with him and it shows. You shouldnt coach if you cant tolerate kids who need to be shown things more than once. anyway,thanks for the advice!
 
How old is your son? My feeling is no child, athletic or not, should sit out more than two innings in a row. Shame on this coach! I think that your husband is being childish, not talking to the coach. Men, have such a different way of dealing with things than women. We talk too much, them - not enough. I sit on the local Rec Board that oversees sports for children under 7th grade in our community. We would not allow a coach to have a kid sit out for so much. We are not the most competitive league in the area. The largest town has try outs and some kids don't make the cut. I think this is ridiculous for second grade baseball!
Heather
 
I have a similiar story to where my son would sit on the bench in basketball. And again not just because I'm his mother, but he could play some good ball. It seemed the coach played the same ones all the time. My dh said that he would just as good as them if not better. Now we wouldn't say that if it weren't true.

The coach would play him for a few minutes and then pull him out after he has scored! What the heck was that? And it came to the point where my dh was so frustrated that he said he wasn't attending anymore games. Well I told him that was extreme and I would come and support him whether he was on the bench or not. Of course, he continued to come to the games.

So I know where you're coming from and hopefully we will have a better experience with the situation next time. It is high school ball with him this year and I think he is a bit intimidated.

kim
 
Laura. I can see what I am in for. My daughters go to a Charter School (No sports). The city that they go to school sent me a list of activities for them to get involved in for a non-resident fee and this fall I am signing them up for soccer. They will be 6. They also offer training as a facilitator which my sister and I are going to do, he told me my children will have a better chance of getting on a team if I go for the facilitator he said they don't expect parents to run out and get a soccer coaching degree so they use volunteers called facilitators. Anyone know anything about this I have to wait for the camp to get more info.

This is going to be a terrible issue for us when the kids get older and choose their own sports my hubby and I don't have anything to do with sports so we will be dealing with this competitive issue. You guys will be in for hearing (reading) a lot of venting.

beth6395
 
I may not be qualified to give advice, as I don't have children yet, however, I was a nanny for a number of years. That being said, I see how this type of thing can affect self esteem. You should be thinking about how pulling him off the team without speaking up is going to affect Zachary. Your essentially teaching him how to quit when he doesn't get his way. Now, if he's really uninterested in playing that would be one thing, but it sounds as though he wants to play based on your post. You need to talk to the coach - he's your dentist, that ought to make it easier for you to talk to him since you have a relationship already. I think you need to do it (not your husband), and in a non accusitory manner. There may be a perfectly good reason - if there isn't then you can express your displeasure. Bottom line is you need to think about what kind of message you are sending to your son.

Good luck, I hope he continues to play.
 
Hi Laura,

I am so sorry to hear that you and your family are so frustrated!

My biggest thing is what kind of message are you sending your son by quitting the team? If he is good and loves it then pulling him may be something to reconsider. Quitting because he does not get to play as much as the 3 of you would like may teach him the wrong lesson. I think he will learn so much more by sticking with the team. Also, I would kindly talk to the coach about it. He may have a method to his madness. I'm not sure keeping another boy from playing because he missed games and practice due to being on vacation would be all that fair either. That boy didn't schedule the vacation, mom and dad did. He may have cried about missing baseball.

Try to be patient with the situation and understanding. What really matters is that the kids are having fun and learning. No one wants to sit on the bench and watch but it's part of life sometimes. Even Barry Larkin sits on the bench from time to time.
 
I haven't read the other responses, so I may be repeating what others are saying, but why don't you speak to the coach and ask him? Just pose it as a question and give him a chance to respond before letting him have it. If he has no good reason, of course, then you can let him have it. }(
-Nancy
 
I agree with those that say don't just quit the team. I don't know how long you have been involved with youth sports, but it's a jungle out there! My son played baseball when he was younger with the city program. All kids got to play for at least part of the game - unless you missed practices etc. That being said, each year he had different coaches and some were nice "Dads" and others were "killer 'gotta get a win' coaches". My daughter played soccer with the YMCA. That was always a good experience. Its too bad youth sports has gotten so competitive with some players really excelling and others not getting to play. When I was a kid, we had team sports and then intramural sports for kids that wanted to play but weren't the cream of the crop.

The other problem with quitting the team because the coach doesn't act fair in your opinion is that this will occur at some time in school. There are fair teachers that care for their students and mean ones. You know at some point he will have to deal with an unpleasant teacher and you won't be able to pull him off the team then (unless there are some really big problems). I don't know if you get what I mean - I'm having trouble expressing what I mean in writing this morning!

I know how you feel. My son really enjoyed playing baseball, but quit when he was 14 because at that point only the really excellent players headed for the high school team were left. He was a mediocore player and felt left out. It was tough because he loved playing so much , but going to the games was really hurting his self esteem because he was not in the "superior" group. Wish there was another way for him to play. Marnie
 
Quitting the team 'aint quitting if there is the option of a different team whose coach has a philosophy of the game and teaching that you agree with.

You are your child's advocate. Speak up, whether this coach is your dentist or not. As your child's dentist he serves you in an entirely different capacity than as your child's coach and you should not hesitate for a moment to ask him exactly why he is not putting your child into the game.

At this age, each child, regardless of ability, has the right to equal playing time and to be played in all positions on the team. If you don't get that, then you fight for it, you speak up, you criticize where necessary and iof that all fails, you find a team and coach where both you and your son feel comfortable.

So your husband won't speak to the man, so what? My husband is the same and I don't give a monkey's. I go right up to the coach after repeated coaching behaviours with which I disagree and let him know that his coaching practices are unfair. When I get the chance to evaluate the coach officially, I use this opportunity to let the organization know that not all their coaches are sterling examples of sportsmanship.

Clare
 
You have to decide what lesson it is you want your son to learn. There will always be people in his life who don't treat others fairly. This time your son suffered, next time your son might be the favorite. Neither case is right, but they're both reality. Not talking to the coach is childish on your DH's part. The coach may have had a good reason not to play your son - maybe your son sassed him or maybe your son told the coach he wasn't feeling well but your son didn't want to tell you that because he didn't want to disappoint you. You'll never know until you talk to the coach.

At this point, I'm sure the coach isn't all that happy about having a player pulled from the game early by his parents. It was only the third game for goodness sakes. Tell DH to grow up and go ahead and talk to the coach. The coach is probably wondering what the heck happened to Zachary.

My daughter is a competitive gymnast. She has had a coach that didn't treat all the gymnasts fairly. At first, we told her that life is not fair and deal with it. When it became grossly obvious that he was selectively picking on our daughter, we confronted him in a non-accusatory way. He gave us his reasons, he said our daughter gave him attitude and that she wasn't respectful to him or the other coaches in the gym and that she goofed off a lot. We questioned her and the other coaches about this. Turns out he seemed to be the only coach who had an issue with her attitude or work ethic. We gave our daughter the option of moving to another gym or dealing with him. She decided to continue dealing with him because she felt the benefits of going to this gym outweighed the negative of having to put with him, even though it impacted her ability to compete. Fortunately, there were other coaches she deals with on a regular basis. Bottom line, she learned how to handle life's difficult situations. She wasn't always happy about it, but she is now glad that she stuck it out (that coach was recently fired).
 
thanks for all the advice everyone. The coach called me at work today and immediately said, I messed up , didnt I and I said yes you did. He said he totally overlooked zachary because he is such a quite kid and he meant to put him in the 3rd inning. He said he was truly sorry and that zachary is a good baseball player and he wants him on his team. He offered to talk to my husband but I told him I would discuss it with him. Needless to say ,my husband thinks it was intentional and he dislikes the man. He said it was up to me but that he wasnt going to any more of the games. I told him he was acting like a baby and he said my mind is made up,nobody will treat my kids that way. I think after sundays game that he will go but he needs a few days to get over it. I told him, like everyone else said that it would teach zachary to quit whenever something doesnt work in his favor. That I wanted to let him continue to play and if it happened again then I would take him out. I think also that he will pay more attention to who he plays and who he doesnt. Plus I told zachary that he had practice tomorrow and he said okay. If he would have said I dont want to play then maybe my choice would have been different and I explained to him that the coach said he was sorry and I told zach next time ask the coach himself, hey am I gonna play I sat out 2innings. I told him he has to speak up,not be shy also.hopefully this will be okay then. again,thanks for all the advice. oh someone asked how old, he zachary is 8yrs old. A sweet 8yr old at that!!!
 
I think pushing him to speak up is a wise move...

As for your DH, hopefully he will come around. If not, he is hurting himself and his son....you guys pay the price, not the coach. If he wants the coach to bear the brunt then he can get his teeth cleaned elsewhere but even then he won't be out of business. The coach called you and apologized. What more can you ask? He was an adult about it, your DH should do the same.

I am glad you are all on the road to resolution and Zachery still wants to play! That is fantastic!
 
Hi Laura,
It's so great you posted this and are getting support.

I agree with what others have said about taking the higher road on this and forgiving the coach. At 8 the "tune" of the message all the adults are sending will stick like gum (IMHO!) My husband coached baseball---was really affable, not a snot ---our neighbor coached basketball, more competitive, more of a snot--but a good heart: they both made mistakes playing kids and it's only when parents speak up, develop a relationship with the coach that good things can happen.

The important thing is your child likes baseball. How frustrating to sit out four innings, but another part of a team sport is cheering for your team mates. You could save face on this with DH by saying that "Oops" mistakes happen and we should have intervened sooner, next time, your kid can know that he can speak up, while your sitting on the bench: watch the game and cheer!! And if you start to feel bored or wonder why you're not playing, speak up right then. It's a great life skill to learn. Don't sit and stew, try to think and act constructively!

I hope your DH feels better soon. My kids are in 8th and 5th grade now. Maybe you have older kids, too? I really see how the tone the parents take in those early grades with sports really sticks into middle school.

It's important IMHO (for whatever that is worth!!!!) that kids know sometimes mistakes happen that lead to hurt feelings and you need to step up to the plate and carry on. No kid is every the Star or the dunce of the team. It's a group effort.

Maybe something to take up with the coach in an ongoing way is :Team Spirit rather than just approaching it along the lines of equal play time. Can the coach start saying more things, like "we are a great team." "Everyone here is important. " "It's not all about winning or losing, it's about learning how to play the game well."

Sportsmanship is important on the part of kids, parents and coaches.

Another suggestion: on teams my kids have been on, especially baseball, parents have divvied up coach-assisting duties, e.g. freeing up the head coach to watch the game, "coach" and "direct" and allowing other dads to be "play-time" manager or equipment manager. That also takes some pressure off the head coach to focus on the game and know that all players are being treated equally.

Baseball is a tough sport for young kids. There's a lot of waiting time, and a lot of pressure when you're up to bat in front of others. I think it takes a lot of parent support to keep kids feeling good.

Sorry I'm rambling on here....
good luck....
Barb
:) :) :)
 
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