Sorry to rant...

S

Shaz

Cathlete
I enjoyed reading the post below 'Why don't people understand'.

I have a similar problem with my mother, which irritates me SO MUCH. She knows I enjoy exercising regularly, but EVERY TIME my partner I go to visit, she comments that I'm too thin and that I have lost weight (my weight is correct for my height and has always been stable). Sometimes, she gets the scales out, and tells me to jump on! Also, I often find out from my partner later that she has taken him aside and quietly asked whether I am eating - it infuriates me! Especially as she herself is overweight and unfit. Why isn't she pleased that I have a healthy active lifestyle? She tells people that I'm a "fitness fanatic" (I exercise 3-5 times a week), and that I am only that way because I don't want to look like her. She doesn't understand why I use weights, and asks why I would want big muscles.

When I was a teenager (I'm 29 now), she used to try to diet, and at one of her slimming clubs, she complained to the organizer that her daughter was slim even though she ate more than her. Apparently, she was told that it was because I was young and that I would probably put on weight as I got older. She came home and and couldn't wait to tell me this - she was actually happy at the thought of me gaining weight! What's that about?

Sorry for such a ranting post guys! Sometimes it helps to vent. I know a lot of you are mothers yourselves, but would you do this to your daughter?

Sharon.
 
Hi Sharon :)

I have absolutely no plausible excuse for why your mom would feel that way, but then again, why do ANY of our mothers do and/or say the things they do? :)
One thing is apparent though, she is obviously miserable with herself, maybe she just can't get the motivation to change what's making her so miserable.
Have you ever sat and talked with her about joining you in a fitness routine of some sort? A buddy-type workout? Maybe you could be motivation enough for her to stick with a plan that will work, plus give you both an area of bonding that can be special to you both.
I know that for years I smoked, and despite the warnings, written and verbal, I could never quit. But what finally did make me quit was just my baby daughter asking me. She simply said to me one day, "Mom, if you loved me, you'd quit smoking." I looked into those big brown eyes that looked back at me with such love and sincerity, and that was it! That was the day I quit and never smoked again!
Maybe you can have the same influence with your mom. Maybe she just needs a gentle nudge to get started down a road that will make her just as happy and personally satisfied as it's made you. :)
Just a thought :)
But no matter how it turns out, just remember you do what you do for yourself and your health and well being, and for no one else. And deep down, I bet your mother is not only proud of you, but a bit envious as well. It takes effort to create a healthy lifestyle and maintain it, and not everyone is willing to go the extra/ or give up the extra to achieve the greater good.

Take care,
Donna
 
She just sounds preoccupied. Our mom's always have SOME one thing (or a number of things) that they like to pull out that really gets to us...I know it's hard, but keep smiling and try to take it with a grain of salt. Has this behavior on her part waned with age? To me, it seems like that's the pattern (in my instances, anyway) and I am so thankful for that. Hopefully the same will be true for you too.
Good luck with your mom :)
Kathy
 
Hey, Sharon!
Wish I could help, but my mom is a passive-agressive type who will complain like crazy about something, but when presented with a solution, comes up with millions of reasons as to why the solution won't work. My grandmother is the same way.

I used to hear "You'll change your ways when you get older, mark my words!" from both of them. Guess what? At 41, I am no more like them now than I was 20 years ago.

Although she has improved, Mom still will revert to her old behavior. I finally realized that my best bet was to ignore the comments, complaints and thinly veiled insults used to try to pull me into the mire with she and my grandmother.

One other thing...this is drastic...on certain issues, I took a hard line. Both Mom and my grandmother know there are some subjects that are off limits and that if they push it, I'll choose to stay away from them until they can leave it alone.

I feel for you! It's a tough situation to be in!
Maribeth
 
Some people just plain love to complain. I have a 96 (97 in September) year old aunt who THRIVES on misery, hers and everyone else's. She always has, this is not something she started to do as she got older.

I agree with Maribeth on taking a hard line....sometimes you have to do that because some people just won't listen. No one has to take that stuff.
 
Hi, Sharon! Don't apologize for ranting . . .

I think one of the dark, unacknowledged truths about mothers' relationships with daughters is competition and power, and sadly, I think your situation with your mother is more about your mother's competitiveness with you, and the lack of power she has over you in an area where apparently she has failed. I have the same situation with my mother and sister, although in a more sweetness-and-light, dripping-with-concern kind of way (edged with envy!). My mother and sister both are in almost total denial that fitness is crucial to health AND body-fat management; they hate exercise so they search for every ding-dong "option" to "lose weight". And I'm the one who's tagged "The Fitness Fanatic", and I'll never have the right to call THEM "The SITNESS Fanatics".

IMHO, I don't think you'll ever change your mother's orientation toward you, buddy-talks notwithstanding, because at the end of the day I don't think it's about the relatively narrow issue of slimness / fitness but instead about something much more complex and pervasive. Just stick with what YOU KNOW to be the reality, and let her dig away . . . or walk away when the digs get to be too much for you. Whatever you do, stay in touch with your fitness friends, like the ones here, because fitness is a lonely business within and outside the family.

Annette
 
Sounds like your mom has been jealous about your body.....for a very long time now.Sometimes my mom will comment on me being to thin,which I am not,and then somedays when I go home and if I eat a cookie or something she will say,I thought you were on a diet? I don't know where she gets that from. I do watch what I eat but if I want somethinf I will have it.
I got mad with my mom yesterday and I think I made her cry.I was being a little short fussed and I think that she was upset because my sister just went back home.But she keeps asking me the same questions over and over again.So she asked me at 2:30 the same question she asked at 9:30 and I said mom,you just asked me that question 2 hours ago,and she said no, that was 9:30.I'm tired of being yelled at.And she went in the bathroom. I felt bad but she had me drove.Then she wouldn't eat her dinner,I felt like I was dealing with a teenager.
So I called her last night and I said are you still being suckie, and she said I'm not being suckie, your always yelling at me.I got mad with her on Sunday morning to.I worked ll weekend and she was calling here at 8 and she let about 50 rings go in.Obviously , no one is awake.Then at 8;15 another million rings went in.I hate it when people do that.Anyway, we sort of made up but I will have to try to be more patient with her.One of these days she won't be here anymore....
Lori
 
As good ol' Doctor Phil says, you teach people how to treat you. If you let relatives get away with that stuff, they will do it forever.

I refuse to allow myself to be manipulated by relatives.
 
I turn off my ringer at night and turn it back on after I am ready to hear calls. I also turn it off during my workouts, it is distracting.
 
Well,

I just want to say that, following all the ranting about mothers, I want to praise the heavens for giving me the most marvellous mother I could have wished for.

She is not perfect, but she raised the six of us on a low income, demonstrates a great philosophical approach to life, is not afraid to show and share her passions (gardening her acre of English country garden, classical music, opera, grandchildren), supports me in every single endeavour once she is convinced that I know what I want and how to get it, calls me from London once a month for a long chat and taught me through her warm example how to be a loving mother for my own children.

Mothering is the hardest job I have ever done in my life. I salute her and all mothers the world over.

Do we sometimes mistake criticism for love, care and our mother's concern for us which they will, by the way, take to their graves with them?

I read in Julian Barnes' novel "England, England" (which is not a nationalist tome by the way, in case you were wondering...) that after the age of 25 you can't blame your parents for your own life.....

We need thicker skins ladies. My Mum used to say, "sticks and stones will break my bones but calling never hurt me..."

Over and out

Clare
 
Clare,
I second your emotion. My mother was far from perfect raising five of us, but you know the old saying, "everyone does the best they can with what they have." (Or something like that.) Sometimes I get angry with my mother and then I realize she is the only mother I have. She does care and when I need her she is ALWAYS there for me.

I have mentioned this numerous times on this board and don't mean to beat a dead horse, but I have severe kidney problems and I don't know what I would have done without her emotional and financial support.

My husband didn't speak to his mother for thirty years and read in the obituaries she had passed away. He has regretted it ever since. Once a loved one is gone, they're gone forever. (I lost my oldest son due to a car accident when he was seventeen.)

We do, indeed, need to cherish our loved ones.

Sherry
 
I don't think any of these women who have posted are ungrateful for their mothers, but some people's relationships with their moms are worse than others. I think it is ok to rant and rave about the insensitive and sometimes subtley cruel things mothers say to daughters, and possbile to do so without losing sight of how important a role it is in the first place. Thick skins developed without talking about the problems that caused them can't be healthy. Our mothers are not perfect people, and sometimes the things they say are just flat out mean spirited...we all do it because no one is perfect. Just because someone is a mother doesn't mean they can't be mean spirited at times. Almost anyone can reproduce, but not everyone can do it without damaging their offspring in some way, whether intentionally or unintentionally, its just a fact of life. I think talking about what makes you mad and figuring out what mom's motivations are for saying those things can help you to work on not letting it bother you so much, and even become sympathetic to her, but you can't do that without talking things out somehow, be it here, or with other family members, friends, whatever.

Anyway Shaz, I'm the same age as you and my mom has the same idea about fitness - not to do it basically. She just 'diets' when she needs to lose weight, and can barely pick up a sewing machine with two hands that I could lift with one, and I'm no muscle woman. For some bizaar reason she only picks on my twin sister about weight and exercise, she has other areas she saves for me. Mothers, can't live with them... can't live without them, but thank God for them!
 
I just wish it were wildly accepted that it's good to polite and courteous to your kin! I don't believe that it's only the younger generation that has no manners.....their elders taught them by example.
 
Thank yo for all of your thoughts on this, it does feel good to vent one's frustrations here.

I do appreciate my mum, and do realise that she cares greatly for me. I also realise that the comments she makes regarding my weight, etc are more to do with her own issues. But, it has been going on ever since I can remember. There is no way I would even go swimming with her because I know that she would inspect my body and make comments. I think I have a fairly healthy attitude to diet and fitness - a result of taking an interest in fitness info, and also from studying biochemistry, including how the metabolism works, etc. But, it could so easily have gone the other way. Her preoccupation with my body could easily have resulted in me having body/food problems. I have a cousin who is anorexic, and I know the heartache that causes to the whole family, not just the individual. So, while I try to understand her, she does make me very angry.

Anyway, thanks again for listening.
Sharon.
 
I'M GOING THROUGH THAT RIGHT NOW. AND MIND YOU, IT'S MY HUSBANDS FAMILY. IN THE 17 YRS THAT I HAVE BEEN W/ MY HUSBAND THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT.
 
I'd like to make a comment about my relationship with my mother I can do it here as none of my siblings will see this(that guilt for you.

Up until I was 12 it was good but then when I hit puberty it got really bad. My mother and I just did not get on I don't think for a long time I liked her very much.

I have learnt something over the years, the first being that just because you are family does this does not mean you will automatically get on. Secondly some terrible things happened to my mother when she was young which coloured her prespective. Thridly I also realised she is not a good communicator and in trying to 'give me advise or warnings' she has often made me cry (which I hate doing).

What has helped me most is that my mother is not always right (about me) even if she says she knows me better than anyone else (she doesn't), also she does a lot of wonderful things when I was growing up and even now (I have learnt to adore her). We will never be great buds (my mother is mother she will never call herself my friend) but I do respect and love her.

I can now ignore her negativity (I can be as negative as her so I don't blame her too much). The most startling thing my mother said to me reently was how guilty she felt when she discovered that the kidney problems me and my siblings inherited came from her, and she has always felt bad about that (??).

Also remember all the good/bad information we have been given over the years our parents have also been given probably more so I know my mother has problems with nutrition and exercise advise but she is older (entering her 70's) than me, she is great to me so dont let her get to me too much (when I don't agree with her I ignore her comments).

My advise would be if you don't think it is relevant to you ignore it, people will talk about you just keep on proving her wrong by being the fittest and healthest you can be.

Starbuck
 
Sometimes when my mother goes on like I just want to say 'For Gawd's sakes shut up woman!', but I don't of course (well, maybe once or twice).

I think these women grew up in a different era and they are too old to change their habits, their opinions and their tastes.

Yen
 
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