Sister had to have pregnancy terminated at 5-1/2 months

[Cruncholi]

Hi everyone. I don't post on this forum much, since I do not have a child yet. However, I thought maybe someone could give me some advice.

My sister had to have her pregnancy terminated a week and a half ago. She was 5-1/2 months along. She and her husband found out that the baby did not have any kidneys or bladder and it had very little lung tissue also. This was discovered when she did not have adequate amniotic fluid and further tests were done to determine why.

My sister (and her husband) feels depressed, sad, and miserable. I don't know what to say or do for her. She is also nervous to try again, even though they really want to have a baby. This would have been their first. I can only listen, but I do not know what to say.

Can anyone give any advice?

Thank you.

 

[autumn]

RE: Sister had to have pregnancy terminated at 5-1/2 mo...

Linda,

First, let me say how deeply sorry I am for your sister and her husband's loss... and the loss your family has suffered.

Many years ago, I was a nurse on the bereavement team. We cared for families who had lost a baby. Listening is one of the most important things you can do. A simple "I'm sorry" and letting them talk. Avoid cliches such as: "The baby is with God now", "You are young... you still have time", "There was something wrong with the baby anyway." Let your sister and her husband guide the the conversation.

Here is a poem on the importance of listening that is part of the bereavement training manual:

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask kyou to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked for was that you listen
not talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cnets will get kyou both Dear Abby and
Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do
for myself, you contirbute to my fear and weakness.

But, when you accept as a simmple fact that I do feel what
I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to
convince you and can get about the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious, and I
don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand
what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some
people because God is mute, and he doesn't give advice or
try to fix things. "They" just listen and let you work
it out for yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to
talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I'll listen to you.

Anonymouns

I'll post or email more later. I have to run.

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and God bless

Autumn

 

[jaypea]

Hi Linda. The advice you received was very good. I am sorry to hear about their loss, and I am sure they need people to be around them right now and just listen/comfort them. Your sister, husband and you are in my prayers.
-Jen

 

[Cruncholi]

Thank you both for your responses. This is very helpful.

 

[RachelA]

I was so saddened to read of your sisters,brother in laws and families loss.
You have received some great advice above..
There are also some books available dealing with the loss of a baby which you and your family might find helpful . "A Silent Sorrow- Pregnancy Loss-Guidance and Support for You and Your Family" by Ingrid Kohn and "Trying Again- A Guide to Pregnancy after Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss" by Anne Douglas and John Sussman (both available from amazon) are books that some of my friends found useful after pregnancy loss.

God bless
Rachel

 

[melanalyus]

I'm sorry for the loss of your little niece/nephew. Fotunately, I don't have any personal experiences...but it hurts deeply to hear that someone did. I said a prayer for your family. Although I really can't give advice...lots of prayers and a loving ear will never fail.
Beautiful poem and advice given above.

**Melanie**
Justin born 1/17/04
Jory born 4/9/94

" Take care of your body like it will last a lifetime. Take care of your soul like it will last for eternity"

 

[autumn]

Linda,

Sorry for the delay. I have had time to think about it, and the best advice is simply listening. Listen to what this loss means to your sister (which it looks like you have done) and hear how you can help. Truly listening to someone who is grief stricken can be uncomfortable, and you may wonder if certain topics should even be discussed. It is perfectly healthy for your sister to talk about what happened to her… and keep going over it. In addition to “I’m sorry”, you can tell her you are sad for her or that you are her for her and want to listen. You could even ask simple questions such as how she is doing with all of this? What you can do for her? If she has mementos (ultrasound pics, picture, handprints/footprints), she may wish to share these and talk about them. Remember that the intensity of her grief is greater due to the hormonal changes. Every experience with loss is unique so there are no right words.

In addition to listening, you can help by touching, crying with her, remembering the baby’s due date, birthday, and death day anniversaries. You may also consider a remembrance gift (baby ring, tree or rose as a living memorial, etc.)… when my colleague and friend lost her daughter a group of us wanted to do something special on her DD birthday. The Eskimo legend “Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy" has a special place in my heart. My dad and I spent hours when I was a kid watching the California skies… we wee on the look out for UFOs… we talked and talked. When I read the legend, I immediately thought of my dad and when he passed away we included it on his memorial card. My friend asked for a copy of the legend when she lost her DD. So, a group of us named a star after her DD and had the legend printed on the certificate. So, there may be some gift that you could give that would be significant to them.

I hope your sister has a compassionate health care provider to answer her questions. I can give you lots of information re: listening (principles, listening levels), the stages of grief, checklists (am I grieving normally?), responses to the loss of a baby: men/women, do’s and don’ts, communication leads, what to expect, support, etc. Whatever you would find helpful… just let me know.

Your sister is blessed to have you! Take care and God bless!

Autumn