I am supposed to be moving in with my SO in 6 weeks. He works many long hours and his apartment is an absolute disaster. This past weekend was one of the worst I've seen it. Dishes in the sink from days, empty food boxes on counter, etc.etc. He promised me before that he won't be messy once we live together. Last night I got upset when we got back from our weekend trip to walk into his apartment again to see this mess. I was very tired and I just started crying and said I was afraid to live with him if this was the way he was going to be. He laughs and assures me again that he's a bachelor now and would not be like this once we live together. I know he's put in ridiculous hours at his business but its just too much. My friend thinks he will not change or will for a little and then go back to his ways. She suggests I just move out on my own for a while and see how he treats my place when he's over. I don't really know what that would do. Any suggestions? I know he will most likely be upset that I don't trust that he'll change but I only know what I see. I have no idea how to handle this.
relationship/messy question
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allwildgirl
Cathlete
Speaking from experience, he won't change. If he doesn't have time now, why would he have time once you move in? Clearly he doesn't care about living like that, but if you're there picking up after him I'm sure that will be just fine with him too.
Do you talk to a therapist about these issues? Sorry I can't seem to recall if you said you do or not. Seriously though, if you're feeling this much anxiety over a situation such as this, you really need to stop and think about the larger picture.
Chances are he might work to keep a tad tidier but I'm guessing he's not your next Neat Freak Monthly poster child.
Debbie
I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!
Chances are he might work to keep a tad tidier but I'm guessing he's not your next Neat Freak Monthly poster child.
Debbie
I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!
CoralOcean57
Cathlete
Agree with others. Absolutely will not change just because you move in. Only difference will be that you'll be doing the cleaning up so it won't be so messy. Unless you're comfortable with nagging him all the time to wash the dishes and throw out the trash, etc., etc.
roses_92123
Cathlete
Take this word of advice that my mom gave me....and I learned the HARD way how much these words ring true.
"Anything that you find to be an annoyance about your mate, multiply this by 10 once you live together. If that is still something you can deal with, more power to you."
Maybe that isn't true for everyone, but for me, it was so true that it was eerie! My ex was a slob and swore he would change. Did he? Absolutely not. I ended up being the maid until I got sick of it.
Just my opinion...but he likely will not change his habits unless HE wants to change. He won't change simply because of the addition of you in his presence.
"Anything that you find to be an annoyance about your mate, multiply this by 10 once you live together. If that is still something you can deal with, more power to you."
Maybe that isn't true for everyone, but for me, it was so true that it was eerie! My ex was a slob and swore he would change. Did he? Absolutely not. I ended up being the maid until I got sick of it.
Just my opinion...but he likely will not change his habits unless HE wants to change. He won't change simply because of the addition of you in his presence.
Never mind what a slob he is....a more important issue is, have you ever lived on your own? I thought you wrote once that you hadn't. I really think you owe that to yourself. Who cares if he's upset if you change your mind. This should be a time when you're finding out about yourself and becoming independent, not taking on somebody else's habits and lifestyle.
Sorry, it's just my opinion.
Sorry, it's just my opinion.
materialsgirl
Cathlete
I agree with everyone else - he will not change. Trust us. He may make some effort at first, but will eventually go right back to his old ways, and you will end up frustrated and unhappy. You would be well-advised to not move in with this guy.
Tete is right on! If you have never lived by yourself, you really need to do that first. Also, moving in is a big deal...moreso if you are moving in with him because he can throw you out at any time (I know you think it won't happen, but you'd be surprised at the power plays people use when they are angry). If you wanted to be assured that that wouldn't happen, get an apartment where you are both on the lease or get him to put you on his lease. At least that way he couldn't just throw you out...you would have tim to move out or he would. I realize this is the last thing you want to be thinking about when you are getting ready to start a new phase of your relationship, but it is a reality.
As far as him being a slob...people really don't fundamentally change. He has been like that all his life and will probably not change in the next few months (or not for good). It takes a lot of work to change something like that. There always seems to be an excuse (work, activities, etc.). If it bothers you now, it will bother you much more when you are living together.
JMO...hope I'm not being too harsh.
As far as him being a slob...people really don't fundamentally change. He has been like that all his life and will probably not change in the next few months (or not for good). It takes a lot of work to change something like that. There always seems to be an excuse (work, activities, etc.). If it bothers you now, it will bother you much more when you are living together.
JMO...hope I'm not being too harsh.
He will never change! I speak from experience. My DH is a slob in the house (but immaculate in his appearance) and I have spent many years picking up/cleaning up after him. But you know it is a trade off. He does all the stuff I hate doing. Sure sometimes I get angry but then I think what if he wasn't here. I would be heartbroken. He is kind of like a tornado passed thru. Believe it with all the best intentions--it doesn't change.
Tess_ATL
Cathlete
OK I am going to be the lone voice of dissent here. I have the opposite situation. When DH first met me, I was a disaster. I came from a household where my mom did all the cleaning and organizing, so I never really had to do much for myself. When DH and I got married, guess what? My house was a disaster because my mom wasn't around to clean for me. DH lovingly called me his "tornado." Over time, I have changed. DH really helped me a lot, by encouraging weekly cleaning sessions, fussing at me to put things away after I use them, and helping me to organize things. He is VERY good at organizing and I'm so lucky that he is patient with me. I've gotten so much better and our house is tidy 90% of the time. Maybe your fella just needs an intervention, KWIM? Here's an idea - talk to him, heart to heart like, and maybe plan a weekend before you decide to move in, where you help him clean up and get organized. If he can maintain it on his own for say, 3 or 4 weeks, then you move in and give it a shot?
DH lovingly called me his "tornado." Over time, I have changed. DH really helped me a lot, by encouraging weekly cleaning sessions, fussing at me to put things away after I use them, and helping me to organize things. He is VERY good at organizing and I'm so lucky that he is patient with me. I've gotten so much better and our house is tidy 90% of the time. Maybe your fella just needs an intervention, KWIM? Here's an idea - talk to him, heart to heart like, and maybe plan a weekend before you decide to move in, where you help him clean up and get organized. If he can maintain it on his own for say, 3 or 4 weeks, then you move in and give it a shot?
Timber99
Cathlete
>OK I am going to be the lone voice of dissent here. I have
>the opposite situation.
I have to be the second, but from a different angle! My bf lived like a true bachelor before we moved in (I moved into his house) & he now lives completely different! Sure, little things still arise but they are definitely negligible.
No kidding...there were rooms filled with "stuff," crumpled papers & piles of mail everywhere, leftover stuff from two roommates back, a half ripped apart basement damaged from a flood that remained as it sat from the flood (a year prior), items in the cabinet that were expired for years (we "celebrated a 5 year anniversary" for one ), hadn't vacuumed his rugs in forever, took garbage out only when necessary. He never made the bed, rarely folded blankets on the couch, had laundry lying on the floor at times.
Since we moved in, he makes the bed almost every day (he gets up second during the week)(no joke, only has missed maybe twice in three months), he makes a true effort with house cleaning, he thinks of things to do to make our house clean and stay clean, he never leaves laundry out or on the floor, etc. He really goes the extra step to make sure that he isn't living like a bachelor anymore.
Don't be negative everyone...I know you are all thinking "yeah, wait a few moths/years/etc.!" ha ha
So, I guess I am in the majority of people that thinks that your bf can change and might end up being courteous!
Has he promised to do other things in your relatioship? What was his follow through with those?
>the opposite situation.
I have to be the second, but from a different angle! My bf lived like a true bachelor before we moved in (I moved into his house) & he now lives completely different! Sure, little things still arise but they are definitely negligible.
No kidding...there were rooms filled with "stuff," crumpled papers & piles of mail everywhere, leftover stuff from two roommates back, a half ripped apart basement damaged from a flood that remained as it sat from the flood (a year prior), items in the cabinet that were expired for years (we "celebrated a 5 year anniversary" for one
), hadn't vacuumed his rugs in forever, took garbage out only when necessary. He never made the bed, rarely folded blankets on the couch, had laundry lying on the floor at times. Since we moved in, he makes the bed almost every day (he gets up second during the week)(no joke, only has missed maybe twice in three months), he makes a true effort with house cleaning, he thinks of things to do to make our house clean and stay clean, he never leaves laundry out or on the floor, etc. He really goes the extra step to make sure that he isn't living like a bachelor anymore.
Don't be negative everyone...I know you are all thinking "yeah, wait a few moths/years/etc.!" ha ha
So, I guess I am in the majority of people that thinks that your bf can change and might end up being courteous!
Has he promised to do other things in your relatioship? What was his follow through with those?
Miss Lee
Cathlete
I think the real issue here is whether or not the OP can tolerate her SO's lifestyle and habits. She became tearful at the site of his messy apartment.
I would have no problems living with a slob if I was getting a lot from the relationship otherwise, and I think that's the real issue here. If a person is otherwise happy in a relationship, I don't think sloppy housekeeping is a deal breaker.
I would have no problems living with a slob if I was getting a lot from the relationship otherwise, and I think that's the real issue here. If a person is otherwise happy in a relationship, I don't think sloppy housekeeping is a deal breaker.
I have to have another conversation I guess. He has really only had to promise me one thing which yes he has followed through on. He lived with 2 other girls at different times in his life and swears he was not messy like he is on his own. I was overly tired last night hence the tears but this is a huge concern of mine. I have a hard enough time keeping myself in line and I will make him pay for a house cleaner if I need to.
crazystepr
Cathlete
I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. My SO and I have been through the same thing when I moved in with him. I had some crying fits like you when I told him I could not live like this and that I wasn't his housekeeper. He's really worked on it and get this--he actually sprang for a housekeeper! She comes in once every two weeks (I know, there are still daily dishes to be done, laundry to do, pick-up, clean up--which we both share now.) He has really, really worked on it.
I also used to live with one of my sisters who is identical to your SO in this way. We compromised and I had to stop being so anal about it and she had to make an effort (a BIG effot) to clean more and pick up after herself. I think that you two can make it work. You need to talk about it an make it clear to him that if he doesn't make an effort, you're out. See how he reacts to that. But, in my experience, I've had huge success with this issue. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Good luck!
Allison
I also used to live with one of my sisters who is identical to your SO in this way. We compromised and I had to stop being so anal about it and she had to make an effort (a BIG effot) to clean more and pick up after herself. I think that you two can make it work. You need to talk about it an make it clear to him that if he doesn't make an effort, you're out. See how he reacts to that. But, in my experience, I've had huge success with this issue. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Good luck!
Allison
janiejoey
Cathlete
Sloppiness is not to break up over. There must be some other issue/issues you are not mentioning. That is the least of your worries.
Before my son got married, he was just like that. He came from a family of expert cleanliness. When he did get married they both changed and made a great life for one another. Their house is spic and span and their important issues are being worked on as days go by.
Look into your heart, is that really what you are worried about?
Janie
The idea is to die young as late as possible
www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey
Before my son got married, he was just like that. He came from a family of expert cleanliness. When he did get married they both changed and made a great life for one another. Their house is spic and span and their important issues are being worked on as days go by.
Look into your heart, is that really what you are worried about?
Janie
The idea is to die young as late as possible
www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey