O/T-So Upset

kittymom

kittymom

Cathlete
I don't know what to make of this: Last night I was "with" my BF of 12 years-we have never had any trouble in this department but for some reason we did last night. He looked at me and told me that I really ought to watch a porn movie to get some ideas. That really hurt my feelings. What do you think of this? We have never had problems in the bedroom, but now I am scared-this is bizzare behavior for him.

Sorry so long,
Trying to understand,
Shan

;(
 
I think you should ask him why he made the comment. Do you know if he watches porn when he is not with you? If so, is this something new or something he has always done? If you don't know, ask him if he is watching porn....out of all of this you should be able to tell what is going on with him. Then you need to decide what YOU want to do about it...


~Marietta
FITXME
http://www.picturetrail.com/fitxme
 
Be very careful of that. My husband was a porn addict for 14 years and is finally in therapy and our marriage almost crumbled because of it. He is a great guy, but started watching porn at an early age and just became addicted. It is the number one addiction right now for men, expecially with the internet here. With that said, it is possible to watch and enjoy porn together only if YOU feel comfortable. If you don't, don't do it. Just my 2 cents and my experience.

Susan
 
I agree. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. If he has other ideas, he should be able to talk to you about them not tell you go watch some porn. I'd talk to him and ask him to be perfectly honest with you. You guys have been together a long time and it just seems odd that all of a sudden he would say that to you. And pretty sucky too IMHO.;)

Kali

www.PictureTrail.com/kkali
 
We must be VERY prudent with such delicate subjects here Shan lest the flames begin or the content goes beyond 14A with respect to our younger fellow Catheites.

What I hear from your post is that BF is very quick to blame you, not much of a partnership from the sounds of it, it takes two to get into these situations, ideally it would take two to find what works best for both of you. Where is his creativity and drive to please??? He looks at you and tells YOU what to do, I don't think soooo? Perhaps this is a symptom of bigger problems or a red flag. After 12 years together the partnership should be solid and your feel for each other finely tuned, doesn't sound like that's the situation. It's disturbing to me that he blames you for something shared and intimate, no wonder your feelings are hurt. I'm sorry your hurting but maybe it's time to stand back and take stock of the whole relationship, not just one aspect.

Forgive me if that's harsh, but, I can only make assumptions from what you have posted.

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
Thank you all for your opinions. I just did not know where to turn. Laurie you were not harsh-maybe that is what I need to do is take a long look at this whole relationship.

Again,
Thank you all
Shan
 
I agree with Laurie. I think the most important thing in a situation like this is communication! Ask him the reasoning behind his comment. Tell him how it made you feel and if he's not willing to talk about it in a caring and respectful manner then it may be time to look at your relationship a little closer.

Katie
 
I agree with Laurie 100%. Just want to add...if he wants something in the bedroom, I'd hope after 12 years he would talk to you about it versus sending you to a video store. Our time is far to valuable to be "guessing" and "assuming".
 
I can't help but think that everyone is taking this a little too seriously. It sounds like he's just looking for a little variety to spice up your lives. The fact that he suggested porn makes it sound like he doesn't know where else to get ideas from, when in fact there are much better resources out there (my friends are great with this stuff, but granted most people as open as them). He did lay the burden on you, and that may be because he's afraid that his suggestions might be a little too wild and offend you. Or maybe he's just lazy! At any rate, the fact that you get to control the direction in which this experiment goes is a good thing. Have fun!
 
I think that after many years, sometimes couples need to think about new and exciting things to “spice it up.” Perhaps this was his way of saying that? I don’t think it was fair that he suggested that *you* be the person to find the new thing, but are you sure that he wasn’t asking you to do that with him maybe? Think back…sounds as if you were shocked and so maybe, you misinterpreted? Either way, you guys have been together a long time and if this is bothering you or you aren’t sure, you need to just ask him and have a talk. I bet it won’t be nearly as bad as you are expecting!
 
I know this must be upseting to you, but try to keep your cool.
Guys are weird, period. At least he is talking to you in some manner and not just closing off and going out to look elsewhere so take it as a serious sign. Guys usually don't communicate well and this might be the best the poor thing can do, remember he is a male.

Now, If it were me, I would probably say something to the effect of "great idea baby I've been meaning to talk to you about how inefficient you've been lately in bed" but then I can be mean and that wouldn't be very mature and probably wouldn't help matters! LOL but if he was not nice about it, don't let him get away with it either.
I have been with someone who is a porn addict and it's not a good thing. But from your post it doesn't sound like that is the case. He may just be wanting to spice things up a little or even just see how you would react. Don't do anything you're uncomfortable with but try to see it from his point of view too. Just remember you are just as entitled to satisfaction and pleasure as he is and don't let him make you feel like it's all your responisiblity.
Paula
 
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