O/T: Domestic Violence Info

[Aquajock]

As somber a topic as this is, I would like to briefly discuss it in hopes that someone somewhere here in these Cathe environs may be helped by it.

I'm a paralegal who works on domestic violence prosecution matters ranging from assaults, violations of protective / restraining orders, harassment/stalking, damage to property, terroristic threats, burglaries, interference with 911 call, and a whole host of other crimes that occur within the context of a spousal or intimate relationship. In spite of the explosion of attention, research and resources that have been devoted to domestic violence in the past 20-30 years, it is a subject that is still poorly understood, especially be victims of this kind of abuse, especially by younger women who are less experienced about the vast arrays of human behavior.

Domestic violence endurers/survivors, whether or not they are married to their abusers, often feel that they are the ones who are crazy, that the abuse is their fault, that they have to walk on eggshells around their partners, and that they are alone. They often feel isolated from friends, family and help, and social isolation is a common tactic of abusive intimate partners.

Domestic violence overwhelmingly is not about "anger management" or momentary lack of control. It is about the need to have power and control over one's intimate partner, and is far more often than not a distinct personality type rather than an easily fixable psychological/behavioral problems. Domestic violence tends to escalate over time, both in terms of frequency and severity, and can include ANY action that causes the target of the abuse to fear for her physical and material safety. It can take many, many forms, and abusers can wear many, many faces. I have personally seen that it cuts across educational, socioeconomic class, racial (whatever that means) and cultural lines. And while it is true that men can be the targets of domestic violence, and while it is also true that domestic violence does occur within same-sex relationships, it is overwhelmingly a man-on-woman thing.

IF YOU FEEL YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, TALK TO SOMEONE! Preferably a trusted professional who has knowledge of this issue, and can direct you to resources to help you sort through the many issues that go along with this. Domestic violence advocates and other professionals are skilled as well in maintaining victim safety, and you are not committing yourself to a course of action if you speak with them.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is:

1.800.799.7233

All calls to this number, as well as to any local domestic violence agencies, are strictly confidential.

Please know that there is help for you if you are in this situation.

Annette

 

[mogambo]

From the Raleigh NC News and Observer today

Terror in the family

By RUTH SHEEHAN

OK, there's a dispute. Estranged spouses need help dividing the assets. Divorced parents need an assist in figuring out child custody and child support.

A mediator is assigned by the court, or brought in by one of the lawyers, and a judge says, "Fine, settle it."

In many instances, this leads to happier customers and happier settlements, not to mention saving tons in court costs.

In most cases, it's a true win-win. Unless the case involves domestic violence.

Folks who work with victims of domestic violence say they have been concerned about a growing trend toward dispute settlement in domestic violence cases for the last few years.

"It's deeply problematic," said Kit Gruelle of Family Violence and Rape Crisis Services in Pittsboro. "Here in Chatham County, we have men beating up their wives being sent to anger management courses for 10 weeks."

The courts have been slow to respond to advocates' concerns.

Unfortunately, their poster child surfaced July 1 in Orange County.

Alan Douglas Gates is charged with murder in the deaths of his adult daughter, her friend and the friend's 2-year-old son. Gates, it turns out, appears to be one of the less-than-stellar graduates of dispute settlement.

Five years ago, Gates was sent to the Dispute Settlement Center instead of being prosecuted on charges of assaulting his son and threatening to beat his wife and kill another man.

Two months ago, he was sent back, after being charged with beating the daughter he is now accused of killing.

The question is: How do you settle a dispute with a man who can't control his violent impulses?

This is a man who had thrown his son off the back of a pickup truck. While it was moving.

This is a man who beat up his wife and daughter on numerous occasions. On June 11, in fact, his estranged wife obtained a restraining order against Gates.

Of course, he had already agreed, as a way to settle his recent dispute with his daughter, to stay away from her anyway.

Obviously, none of it worked.

And that's no big surprise, said Leslie Starsoneck, executive director of the N.C. Council for Women and Domestic Violence Commission.

"Domestic violence just isn't a good fit for mediation," Starsoneck said. "Negotiation in violent relationships is about the victim trying to stay safe."

Starsoneck noted that mediators employed by the Administrative Office of the Courts normally discourage mediation in cases of domestic violence. They are at least trained to be alert to the skewed power dynamic in a relationship where domestic violence is present.

As for private dispute settlement organizations, Starsoneck said, some are better than others. But none should be taking on cases of domestic violence. Certainly not cases serious enough to be referred through the courts.

When one person, however mentally ill or drunk, beats up his family members, that isn't a dispute. That's one person terrorizing his family. It's a crime. And no amount of mediation is going to settle that.

Ruth Sheehan can be reached at 829-4828 or [email protected].

 

[kristina]

Aquajock,
Thanks for taking the time to post on this issue. A very good attorney friend of mine was almost beaten to death by her husband back in 1994. I couldn't believe it. None of us knew he was abusing her. She was mortified that as an educated, intelligent, beautiful and strong woman she had let herself get into this horrible situation and was just too embarrassed to tell anyone. SHe kept thinking she could "fix" it, even though intellectually she knew better and had had clients she had helped out of the same situaton. Of course I, and her friends and family, would have been devasted if she hadn't made it, exacerbated by the fact we would never have known of her pain and had a chance to help. She reached out and is remarried, healthy and happy now.
Sadly, it can and does happen to people from all social, racial, and economic levels.
K

 

[getnfit@38]

Hi Annette,

I read this earlier and debated whether or not to post, but I believe I will.
This touched me very close to home as I was a victim of domestic violence for 6 years in my first marriage. I wanted so desparately for my daughters to grow up in a family with both their parents, that I endured (silently) beatings for 6 years. And not just physical abuse, but emotional and verbal as well. It took me 6 years to "wake up" and realize that as much as I wanted my girls to have their father in their life, that maybe one day the beatings may pass from me to including them, and even if he never hit them, just growing up and possibly seeing their father beat me (which would have been inevitable) may give them the idea that it was okay for a man to treat them like that. So in the end, I left him for the overall sake of my girls. Luckily, they were too young to remember much of the verbal abuse, and they never witnessed the physical, but it would have only been a matter of time. It was extremely difficult to raise 2 small children on my own at first, but worth every minute of their safety!
For anyone who endures abuse of any nature, I hope you'll listen carefully to Annette's post and reach out. There is life after abuse, a better life, a safer life, and there are people out here willing and waiting to help you.
I've since remarried a wonderful, loving man who has shown my girls what a dad/husband/man is suppose to act like, and if I hadn't broken the abusive chains of the past, I would have never known what a real love and relationship was like.
NEVER live with abuse, there are options!

Donna

 

[jillianh]

oh my gosh Donna the more I read about you the more you are my hero. You are such a wonderful role model for taking charge of your own life. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!! You see a problem and you FIX IT - maybe not right away but better late than never and you come out stronger - literally and figuratively . Thanks for sharing your story.

Jill

 

[Aquajock]

RE: Hello, Getnfit@38

Donna, the courage that I'm sure it took to post a reply, without having the comfort of anonymity, is emblematic of the courage you've demonstrated since we first all got to know you. Thank you for sharing your experience with all of us. I'm sure that you, like me, discuss these painful matters in the hopes that someone somewhere may be spared.

Annette

 

[Aquajock]

RE: Warning signs of a battering personality

1. JEALOUSY: says jealousy is a sign of love; accuses partner of flirting, cheating; checks up on her frequently in person or over phone, even car mileage

2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: says it's out of concern, or her need to use her time well, or make good decision; breathes down her neck all the time about time spent away from him; nitpicks how she does things; if it's not his way it's not the good way and he never runs out of criticism

3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: whirlwind romances, "love at first sight"; "you're the only one I could ever talk to"; pressure for quick and exclusive involvement; makes her feel guilty for wanting to slow down or end relationship

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects partner to meet all his material and emotional needs, and expects perfection, usually along rigid gender stereotyped lines

5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut partner off from family, friends, often job and transportation, as well as money; bad-mouths partner's other social relationships and interests

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: especially the partner, but everything is always someone else's fault

7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: especially the partner: "You make me so mad" "If you'd just to as I say I wouldn't feel this way"; AND - far more sinister - "You make me so HAPPY"

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Has a conniption about mickey-mouse, mundane matters; characterizes anger and hostility as "hurt"; freaks out at simple irritations of life;

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN and expects children to behave like little grown-ups; forgets who is the parent or parent figure

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX and lack of regard for partner's moods for that kind of interaction

11. VERBAL ABUSE: profanities, name-calling, epithets, criticisms about the partner's appearance, intelligence, morals, etc.; and can involve direct or implied threats of bodily harm; also can involve constant verbal barrages preventing the partner from thinking clearly

12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects partner to serve and obey him; feels he is the authority figure, that women are inferior, are the second sex and are property

13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: very volatile mood changes predicated on nothing environmental; can go from lovey-dovey to hostile in a heartbeat; keeps the partner off-balance and continues to blame her for these swings

14. ***PAST BATTERING***: If he's done it before, either to you or a previous partner, chances are extremely likely he'll do it again, over and over. History of domestic violence criminal charges and/or restraining orders are an excellent indicator

15. ***THREATS OF VIOLENCE***: ANY verbal threat of physical force or harm should be taken seriously. And the batterer will say "Everyone talks like that."

16. ***BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS***: To terrorize the partner into submission. Pounding on solid objects, throwing things, slamming doors, etc.

17. ***ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT***: Many potential batterers think AND SAY that a shove, a push, a pulling of the hair, isn't physical abuse. "It's not like I'm hitting you!" It is. Pay attention to this.

(paraphrased from "Project for Victims of Family Violence", Fayetteville, Arkansas)

Annette

 

[getnfit@38]

RE: Warning signs of a battering personality

Thanks again Annette,

I printed this out for future reference, as sadly enough I'm sure I'll meet or know someone in the future that this will benefit.
I was amazed at how accurate this was!
Donna

 

[Seed]

RE: Warning signs of a battering personality

I would like to add that MEN also can suffer abuse from women. It's true. My mother used to beat my father and my sister beats her husband. My father was not a wimp and my BIF in not one, either. My father and brother-in-law were brought up to never hit women and so they just "take" it. Very rarely is it taken seriously when men are being abused and beaten and threatened. I use to live next to a women who hit her busband and verbally abused him constantly. He would "take" it because it's not right to hit women. These men's lives are a living hell because society doesn't believe that their "abuse" is that big of a deal. Afterall, they are men and are a lot bigger than the women that beat them. Abuse of this nature is about control and has very little to do with muscle.