Need your advise.

H

haydee

Cathlete
It's not often that I ask for help, but in this situation I'm totally clueless.

Below is an e-mail that I receive from someone from the gym.

Is she my friend? No.
How long have long? Not long.
Is she stable? I beginning she's a loony bin--I could be wrong...?????, but she is OVERWHELMING, she follows people around the gym crying about her situation at home with her boyfriend. She's trying to get a job at the gym, but truthfully we can't hire her. Even if my dh & I could hire her, we simply think she's not capable of making a shake without talking to the member, who is waiting for it, for more than an hour+++.

Ok, here's her e-mail:
*************************************************************

Sorry I missed you at the gym last night...not feeling too well now either...aggrevation (ulcer).
He started a whole new abuse cycle!!!!...and I have to figure out what to do about this.
He threatened that if I call the police he will kill me...I have to figure this out carefully...it's dangerous...

I may see you tonight...I may ask someone else to call PO for me and give them address

************************************************************

I don't know what to make of this.
http://www.PictureTrail.com/haydee1

Haydee
 
Wow, she's really crying out for some help. I think I would print that out and take it up to the police dept. and let them take it from there. Thats scary if what she says is true. Not sure they can do anything with an email, though.
 
Wow Haydee, that is totally freaky. I think Debbie's right--the police can't do anything w/an email from a 3rd party. Do you know anyone in your local police department? Maybe you could talk to them.

Another option is contacting someone with a local women's shelter, maybe they could help.

I would NOT reply back to her though. That would just encourage her & this sounds like a mess you definitely don't want to be in the middle of. It could potentially put YOU in danger. Although I have no doubt you could handle yourself. ;-)
 
Debbie,

This woman has (so she says) gone to the police numerous times. She was given a report to fill out and return it so if he "hits" her again, he would be arrested. Does she turn in the report, NO.

Ok she comes to the gym discussing all of this with dh & I and we were like, "ok, so what are you going to do". She says, "I don't know. I mean he's not such a bad guy. He gets mixed up with the wrong crowd at times, but he ok". I say to her, ummmm, have you read or watch the news lately?

The only reason why we talk to her like this is because she doesn't try to listen to you. Meaning that if you're explaining a situation similar to her's and what that particular woman done about it, she cuts you off in the middle of your speech and starts talking about how he does this to her, verbally abuses her, physically abuses her. So once again, I take her to the side and TRY to explain to her that the report was given to you for a reason. Instead of this woman listening to you, she starts again, with he's just disturbed. This is the third or fourth time she's gone to the precinct and was asked if you want to press charges, and she always come back to the gym with a blank paper.

Now this guy did leave at one point. And what happened, she opened the door for him and let him in, why, because she felt sorry for him. She said, "well it was freezing outside and he had no shoes on his feet and no coat on his back". Ok J...., I know when he left he had those items, she says "I know, but he got into an argument with his friend and walked out without them".

I'm about to lose my mind because I try to help her, but I am not a expert in this type of situation and I've even explained that to her.

I know she's been through a lot, first off she's lost her dh, & twin daughters 15 yrs ago all at once. The four of them was hit by a car and she was the sole survivor but she's spent A LONG TIME in the hospital.

I'm going to stop here b/c this is getting too long.

http://www.PictureTrail.com/haydee1

Haydee
 
Ok I apologize for calling her a loony bin, but she keeps doing this and then in the next second, she acting like she's 12 years old.

I guess I'm annoyed because I can't help her x(. And I KNOW she's going to show up tonight. She sort of make you feel like screaming at her sometimes. Behind the front desk gets so busy sometimes, the loud music, people signing up, we're making shakes.....you get the idea and then she starts, and she doesn't move out of the members way and cries in front of them........

Now she's asking a young kid in the gym to show her some fighting skills. Meanwhile she's told dh, she has fighting skills but she doesn't like to use them. I just don't know what to make of her. She claims she's a personal trainer, yoga instructor, writer, free lance something, I don't know....


http://www.PictureTrail.com/haydee1

Haydee
 
It sounds like she needs professional help of some kind. Do you and your husband own the gym and she's a member? If so, would it be too harsh to take her into another room in private, ask her to sit down and ask her to listen before saying anything. Explain to her that you are concerned for her and have tried many times to help point her in the right direction. That you believe she should talk to a professional about her problems, that her life is in danger. BUT, that the gym is a place for people to work out, blow off steam, but not air their personal problems over and over.
 
Hi Haydee,

It sounds like you have your hands full. From your description, particularly the last part:

"Meanwhile she's told dh, she has fighting skills but she doesn't like to use them. I just don't know what to make of her. She claims she's a personal trainer, yoga instructor, writer, free lance something, I don't know...."

It sounds like she may be telling some "untruths" in other areas. Do you know for sure that there is actual abuse happening?

It sounds as though you've put her in touch with the people/agencies that could help her. She really is the only one who can get help.

Good luck...
 
Wow! What a tough situation you're in! No, I certainly would not hire her! You'd get way too caught up in her drama, and honestly, she sounds like she's a few bricks shy of a load.

Okay, this is going to sound cold, but have you ever had proof that he is abusing her? The women I've known who have been abused keep very quiet about it. They're terrified to let anyone know in case HE finds out and beats them more. I'm not saying that she could not be simply reacting in a different way, but it's not a typical reaction.

There is something very wrong here, but I'm not sure it's wrong in the way you think it's wrong. Of course I don't know the whole situation, but my gut instinct is that she's, at least in part, lying. You may have to step away from the desk, pull her aside and tell her that unless she is prepared to press charges, you cannot help her and that you feel her being there when her SO is threatening to hurt her is putting your other clients in danger and you simply cannot take that risk.

*Steps off the B*tchy box*
 
I'm going to take what may seem like a rude tact and say, this is totally not your problem and you don't need to do anything, Haydee. (Although I commend you for trying.) If she is in an abusive situation, she is the only one who can fix it. She seems to understand how to do that and where to go to get help, but refuses. Which is totally foreign to me if she is in as much danger as it sounds like.

On the other hand.... she may just be saying this stuff for attention.

Wow, I sound so bitchy, but the reality is, we can't fix anyone's situation for them, you know?

I hope it works out for you. Definitely don't give her a job!!

Marie
 
>It sounds like she needs professional help of some kind. Do
>you and your husband own the gym and she's a member? If so,
>would it be too harsh to take her into another room in
>private, ask her to sit down and ask her to listen before
>saying anything. Explain to her that you are concerned for
>her and have tried many times to help point her in the right
>direction. That you believe she should talk to a professional
>about her problems, that her life is in danger. BUT, that the
>gym is a place for people to work out, blow off steam, but not
>air their personal problems over and over.
>
>
Yes we do own the gym with other partners. We've even asked her to go to church with us. She has once and now there's always excuses as to why she can't make it on Sundays.

I really don't want to get mixed up into any of this.....

Aww man, she sent me another e-mail.

I am not responding.


http://www.PictureTrail.com/haydee1

Haydee
 
>Okay, this is going to sound cold, but have you ever had proof
>that he is abusing her?

You know Christine the first time she said she was physically abused, well she came in the gym and showed us her arm, I swear I didn't see anything but what looks like if you were playing with a cat and he nipped you once. No bruises on her face, she wasn't limping or doubled over, she just kept saying, "he took my $$ and he's even took my hairbrush, now what would he want with my brush".

She's not a member of the gym. The reason why she was allowed in the gym is because she claimed she needed a place to train her clients and my dh said she could use the gym. At the time she seemed like a sensible woman.

http://www.PictureTrail.com/haydee1

Haydee
 
Ok here is her 2nd e-mail to me:
**************************************************
Sorry...to tell you my stuff...not sure where/who to speak with.
I respect a female perspective and Christian at that.

It's just sometimes he's nice/er to me and claims (maybe does/did) look for work..but then gets angry and just says forget it. Sometimes the nice (hopeful me ) just unbelievable rude, crude, verbally/mentally abusive (in past physical). It's just exhausting. Make's it hard to think straight, do my writing job, functioning. It makes my ulcer act up (also makes it hard to eat...eek!).
Still trying to get clients too. I am normally VERY motivated when I'm feeling better physically.

But I will try to be there tonight.

Plus...weight loss you mentioned...aggrivation diet (ulcer &)...and after rent and bills (esp this last month) about $10 (mostly $10 lately!) (a good week...occassionally $12-$15--most adults spend that or more on food in ONE
day) for 2 adults to eat on for full week, will do that too. He needs to bring in$. Have to be very careful in food choices (prices)....latley buying him pasta on sale (goes a long way!). Me cheap lo cal/lo fat proteins & fruit/veggies on sale. (I'm going to just spend that on food for me...and let him 'figure his own food thing out')

And I need reliable clients,
as well. I am sincerely trying on that front!

I couldn't get a clear/er answer the other night about 'cards/flyers'. I will bring in mock ups, as soon as I can...but I understand...the other partners have bigger priorities, so they will look when have a chance.

Anyway look forward to seing you later.

Peace,
J
***************************************************
She what I'm talking about?
Try to read this as listening to a sweet innocent child because this is her tone of voice now.

http://www.PictureTrail.com/haydee1

Haydee
 
I think you've tried to be a decent, caring person and help her. She, for whatever reason, (needs attention, needs therapy, etc.)hasn't taken that help and will probably continue to behave in this way and suck you into her drama, real or imagined. History is the best indicator of future behavior.

If you feel like you really need to cut ties with her, you may need to tell her that you can't allow her to use the gym any longer.
 
>If you feel like you really need to cut ties with her, you may
>need to tell her that you can't allow her to use the gym any
>longer.

I SWEAR I was just telling this same thing to a co-worker. Now I have to think about how to put it to her nicely.....maybe nicely.

http://www.PictureTrail.com/haydee1

Haydee
 
This is going to sound terrible, but I would pull her aside and give her the number to your local mental health center. She is disrupting your gym. Think about the other members who acutually pay. Nothing you do or say seems to help, so I would tell her that unless she gets help and stops bringing personal stuff to her job, she can't continue there. This person has issues besides possible abuse. She goes from talking about being abused to eating pasta. You should cut the cord, in as nice a way as possible. Melissa
 
Hi Haydee,
From what I've read in your friend's emails, I do not think she's being abused. I don't know why but my gut is strongly telling me she's not being abused. It's POSSIBLE she might either have mental illness, messed up mentally from the accident 15 yrs. ago, or is really crying for attention. Her DH might not abuse her but he might ignore her fully and she doesn't get attention from him. She might be one of those people who wants people to pity her, etc. She sounds a lot like my aunt. My aunt was NEVER abused. As matter of fact, she abused her own husband. And he abused their eldest son. Like Marie said, it's not really your problem but as a person with a heart, you just want to help. I wish you a lot of luck and please let us know what happens.

Lisa
 
Haydee, from the sound of the last note, it does indeed sound like she recognizes you have a soft heart and is trying to manipulate you into employing her - all of the talk about needing $$, etc.

The whole thing is very, very odd.

I'd definitely find some way to cut the ties and get her out of your gym!

Good luck,
Marie
 
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