Need some advice, please!

[Michele S]

Hi all!

I need to vent more than anything else and since I'm sure my husband is sick of hearing me, I decided to come here. Hope nobody minds!

My brother's wife has relationship "problems," to put it nicely, and at this time, is not speaking to her own parents, four of her five siblings, my father, my sister and myself. This also includes all of the spouses of the above-named people. Of course, in every situation, including my own, she claims that it's NOTHING that she has done, although I can honestly say that I have no idea what I did to offend her (as she has never told me) and after over a year of her giving me the cold shoulder, I have given up trying to smooth things over. I have tried speaking to her, to no avail. I talked to my brother about the situation, to no avail. He suggested everyone just "letting it go," and I have tried since then to hold out the olive branch, which has been thrown back at me each time. So at this point, I've decided to literally just let it go. While I love my brother, I cannot and will not play childish games with his wife.

The problem is that my brother has two children whom I adore. My niece just turned 14 and my nephew is 12. Since this situation arose with my SIL, her punishment to me is that her kids are not allowed to have contact with me or my family (I have two kids, 6 and 3.) This hurts me to no end. While my nephew is still the same towards me when I do get to see him, I am starting to feel the distance from my niece. I know part of it is her age - the teenage years - but I'm sure a lot of it is the influence of her mother.

She is graduating eighth grade first in her class. I called the other night to congratulate her, left a message for her to call me; no return call. I sent an e-mail to her which was deleted. She is having a graduation party next Saturday (the 11th); I received an invitation on the 1st, with the RSVP due on the 2nd, while other people got their invitation a month ago. In January I spoke to my niece about the situation and just told her that no matter what ever happens that I love her and that I'm always here for her, and I felt much better after doing so. But it's so hard to know that you're purposefully being pushed out of someone's life.

I guess I'm just curious as to what other's thoughts are on this. Do I just wait it out until she's 18 and out from her mother's stronghold? I try so hard to not be emotional about this, but I really do miss the relationship I had with these kids!

Enough rambling, but thanks for listening!
Michele

 

[robyn6002]

That's so sad. I can feel how much this hurts you.

Gosh your SIL sounds horrible. How awful to use her kids as pawns.
Any possibility your brother would divorce her?

I feel the same way about my SIL... so I ONLY call him when I know she is out and get to talk to my brother and his little girl. I'm a single Mom so can not for the life of me fathom WHY he stays with her... well I told him one time when they had a fight that my loyalty is always with him. I do want a relationship with him but not his wife.

Is there anyway you could see the kids when she is not around? Maybe when you know she is busy have them over?

Agree doesn't sound like things are going to improve with her

 

[luvtorun]

Oh Michele, can I sympathetize with you. My brother is divorced from the most horrible woman. She was my sister-in-law for 13 years and made me and everyone in my family, including my brother, absolutely miserable. She is one of those who knows all and doesn't mind telling you she does and never misses the opportunity to point out how wrong you are and how inadequate you are in all sorts of areas, preferably with an audience. She cheated on my brother back in 1999 with someone 30 years her senior, she was 35, he was 65. They are divorced now but she is still the 65-year-old's "kept woman". My brother is remarried to the most wonderful woman, I consider her my sister, we just dropped the sister-in-law. His life is so much better now except for one thing. His ex-wife has the three children. My brother let her be custodian parent because with joint custody because at that time he was working swing shifts and wanted to do the best for this kids so they could stay in their own home, my saint of a brother even let her keep the house for the kid's sake and he left. He will get a sainthood for what he has sacrificed for those kids. His ex-wife's sole objective in life is to make sure those kids know that he is a "dead-beat dad" and does very little to contribute to their upbringing which, of course, is not true. He actually pays more than the state dictates that he should pay and pays her car payment and car insurance. The children are girl 16, boy - 11, boy - 8. The 16-year-old has pretty much turned against her father as has the 11-year-old, on occasion - he is a lot like his mother, as long as you are doing for me, I am okay with you, ... not "what have you done for me but what are you doing to do for me now". It is just awful. I told my brother one of these days these kids are going to see this through adult eyes and then they will see what he has done for them. I could go on and on... Michele, when I read your post, it struck a cord in me. I know our situations are a little different, your brother is still married to your SIL, thank goodness I don't have to deal with my ex-SIL anymore. The 13 years they were married, I lost my brother. He was not "allowed" to have a relationship with his two sisters. It was the saddest 13 years. In the last 5 years, we have really made up for lost time. I have my brother back with his wonderful new wife. I hope your situation gets better, I really do. I feel for you.

 

[momsenergy]

Faith in Prayer has always worked for me and my family. This is one of those situations that we cannot control and need help from our Father in Heaven. He can help to soften her heart towards you and your family. He hears every one of our prayers and never does one go unanswered. I don't mean to preach on this forum but when it comes to family I know how sad the situation can be. It really hurts. He will make it right at some point. She obviously has some serious problems if she can't even see that doing this to her children has very bad long term affects on them. Pray that her heart will be softened and that she will have a change of heart.

Yolanda

 

[Michele S]

I just want to thank everyone for responding so quickly and for sharing your thoughts. My SIL is definitely someone who is in things for her own benefit: if she's not getting something out of it, forget it. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 1997 at the age of 58. My SIL does not acknowledge her existence. She has even come into my home where my mother has been and completely ignored her. That has become the biggest source of disagreement between my family and her - she does not have an ounce of compassion for anyone!

I do pray for her, almost constantly, that somehow her heart will soften and she will see that the things she is doing are wrong. Although it seems every time I ask God for help, I find out something else that she has done (for example, the graduation party) and I start to wonder what God is trying to show me. I think my brother puts up with a lot from her for the sake of his children, but I often wonder if it is worth it. Her kids have been so isolated from everyone, especially now since they only have real social contact with the small group that she allows it with.

Thanks again! I do believe that what goes around comes around; I just wonder how long that actually takes.