Need DB advice, please...

C

ChicagoJen

Cathlete
Hello all,

I normally only post about fitness questions, but I really need some advice on my relationship and I was wondering if anyone could offer some words of wisdom... so here goes... : )

I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years... we are very happy together and he is a really nice guy. He is 27, I am 30.

Needless to say, in the last couple of months I've been wondering 'where this is going'. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage a couple of times (I've brought it up) because I'm ready for this level of commitment.

His stance? He wants to do everything but get married.He wants to spend basically every night together, share everything together, etc... Now he wants us to buy a house together in the next few months (we currently live apart) Now, call me old-fashioned here but this seems a bit backwards and I definitely voiced my opinion about this. : )

He says that he sees no reason to get married except for when we are ready to have kids. What? He approaches marriage like it's some work contract, rather than a special commitment between two people.

Well, I just don't bring it up anymore and secretly hurt inside. I guess that he's getting everything he needs from this level of our relationship, so why does he want to go further? This complacency is really frustrating to me.

Furthermore, the last thing that I want is to be proposed to on the premise of an ultimatum like, "either we make some plans to get married or I'm out of here", so I don't say anything.

I'm thirty and I'm ready to get married, dammit! LOL! : ) When I speak to my brother, who has been happily married for 10 years, he tells me that my boyfriend really doesn't know what he's missing and that marriage is great! I wish that more men felt the way that he does (sigh)...

Well, thank you for at least letting me get this off of my chest... take care everyone!

Jen
 
Hi Jen,
This is exactly what happened with my best friend and her now-husband. She was ready for marriage and he saw no need for it because he said they were happy, why mess with it? She didn't pout or mope, she simply told him that she was ready for marriage, she loved him, but that she needed that "piece of paper", and her needs were her top priority. She would not sublimate her happiness for his. She was not going to deny what she really wanted. She did tell him that if the relationship wasn't going forward she was going to re-evaluate things. I guess he must have believed her, because they've been married for 13 years.

I do believe that your relationship isn't meeting your needs if you're hurting. I also agree that an ultimatum is not the way to go. Who wants to force someone into marriage? Can you sit down with him and tell him what you want from your life, and that you would love to have him share in it? You may have different goals. I hope that you can work it out, but don't sell yourself short. I'm trying to figure out what Dr. Phil would say. He'd have a cut-thru-the-crap answer.

Take care,
Dawn
 
Hi Jen,
Tough situation to be in, hey? I personnally don't know what to tell you , b/c I have never been in that situation .But from my stand point,I think that you should be patient with him.Men don't like being rushed into marriage, thats a given(for the biggest part)nor do they like to feel threatened or cornered.I think that if you give him a ultimatum you may push him into something that he may not be ready for right now, but at the sametime he doesn't want to lose you.
With all that being said, alot of people do it backwards these days.I lived with my husband for 3 yrs before we got married and we were going out for about 4 yrs before we got married.We didn't buy a house until we were married though.Only b/c we couldn't afford it,if we could have, we would have! I have a few friends who lived with their boyfriends, in their houses, and now are married.And I have a friend now, who is currently building a house with her boyfriend, they have only been going out 1 1/2 yrs and she makes most of the money.
You say he is a nice guy, then do what your heart is telling you to do.I know that you are ready for marriage but he isn't.That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or want to spend the rest of his life with you.I know it isn't easy to wait, but if this is who you want to spend your life with, then you may have to.And who knows maybe next month he will be ready.
I think it is a good idea to live with someone before you get married.I have heard alot of people say that the first 3 yrs of marriage is the hardest.I think that that statement only concerns the people who have never lived together.I have loved the first 1 3/4 yrs of my marriage so far.
Anyway, I hope everything works out for you.I don't know if I was any help but I don't want you to make a descision that you may regret in the future.Or you could always get pregnat and then he will marry you!!!!!}( }( }( Just joking!!!
Lori
 
Under no circumstances should you buy a house or sign a lease with a boyfriend without being married to him, nor should you enter into any purchase of real or significant personal property. In a marriage, should the relationship end there are legal protections for you in terms of the division of assets; in a non-marital relationship it's Judge Judy country all the way.

If he's getting everything out of you that he wants without the commitment and responsibilities of a marriage, why on earth would he feel compelled to get married?

If you're willing to continue on as you are, frustrated with the status quo and going along on his terms, then by all means say or do nothing. However, if that gets to be too much for you, leave him unequivocally and find somebody else. There are plenty of men out there, good decent men, who are interested in being married. Takes a bit of looking, but they're out there.

A-jock
 
Jen-
If you want my opinion, I think it's a great idea to live together for a while before getting married. I did it that way, and was very comfortable with it. I liked taking commitment in stages rather than all at once. I guess I understand how your boyfriend feels. I don't think you should feel hurt. I think that people who don't rush into marriage take the commitment very seriously, perhaps more seriously than those who do rush in. He sounds totally commited to you. I can understand giving an ultimatum at some point, but after only two years of dating, IMHO that would be premature.

Hope this helps!

-Nancy
 
I have to agree with Aquajock on this one! No way no matter how much I loved someone would I buy a house with someone without being married. If you think marriage is a commitment, wait to see what comes with a house!! You have to of course do what ultimately feels right. As far as living together before you're married, I'll just share my experience. I dated a guy for 7 years we lived together for 2 years. At the time, it was great living together and sharing an apartment, and we did break up later, but it really had nothing to do with us living together. I am currently happily married to someone else and we didn't live together until after we were married and let me tell you it made our marriage that much more exciting and special!! Whatever you decide to do, just stand by your morals and approach it in an honest and forthcoming way. You'll be glad you did.

Good Luck,

Stacy
 
Hi Jen,

In my opinion, you NEVER really know someone until you've lived with them. I dated a guy for more than four years, then lived with him. The relationship lasted less than a year after that. I really got to know ALL his negatives - and I'm not talking about trivial things like leaving dirty laundry around.

Looking back on it, I know I dodged bullet. If I'd married him without knowing this stuff, I'd surely be divorced and probably in therapy.

My husband and I lived together for five years before getting married. During most of which, neither of us were sure if we'd end up getting married. All in all, I believe it helped our marriage. Experiencing the mundane as well as the exciting together for a while gave us a more realistic idea of what marriage is like. It also helped us figure out if our individual life goals and married life goals would fit together.

I hope this helps. Take care.

I'm editting this to also add that I wouldn't buy any real estate at this point in your relationship. There needs to be a real long-term commitment before doing that.
 
Well, there are at least two ways of looking at this:
1) Look at your boyfriend's parents. Did they have a good marriage? Did they divorce? Is there some kind of dynamic in that relationship that he finds negative? These could all be reasons why he's not into the idea of marriage, even though he loves you. I'm rather marriage phobic myself, as I've seen pretty bad examples of male/female dynamics during my childhood, so I can relate. [If you know French, there is a, in my opinion, wonderful song by Georges Brassens called "Le non-demande en mariage" (the "non proposal") in which he proclaims his love, but also relates all the reasons why he doesn't want to be married.]

3) Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
 
Hi Jen, I think the ultimatum is a bad idea too. However, if I was in the situation, I would not play house. I would not buy a house with him and I would not do that many sleep overs. That way, he will realize that if he wants to live with you and be with you every night he has to step up to the plate. I did live with my boyfriend before we got married. We lived together for 3 years and got engaged. Now we have been married for 3 years. So I didn't follow the plan myself, but if he didn't want to get married for a long time, this is the approach I would take. I think he will come around once he realized he can't live with you.
 
Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for all of the advice. You've all been great. You made an interesting point. Yes, his parents divorced and his brother (about his age) is going through an absolute mess of a relationship with children involved, etc... DB explained to me that this is why he has "issues" and doesn't want to rush into anything, but he sure can rush RIGHT INTO MY BED! : )

And I love the 'playing house' comment that was also posted. LOL! It's so true. One of my girlfriends calls it, "Livin' with your panties in your purse" because your always packin' a bag to sleep over or he is... That's what I feel like! Yuck! I'm not twenty years old anymore and this is getting old!

I think that I really just need to step back and take some time to figure out what is going to make me happy... :D Perhaps we are just at different points in our lives and I need to determine whether I'm willing to wait it out... I'm not sure...

Thanks again, everyone, for support, kindness, and a dose of tough love! You guys are great!

xo,
Jen
 
Hi Debbie,

I think that you definitely have a point here. The constant sleep-overs, the dinner-cooking,just being with each other every night, etc... etc.. just has to stop. I think that we both truly appreciate each other, and our relationship, but what's the incentive for him to move forward with things? There isn't one... Point taken and thanks for the great advice! ;)

xo,
jen
 
This reminds me of my relationship with my fiance. In Aug. it will be 6 years together and he asked me to marry him just this December. We had been dating for 3 years, living apart when he bought his house. I told him either I move in or I was out of the relationship. He did want to live together, but he was worried it may not work out so I kept my apartment for about 4 months until both of us knew living together was working out for both of us. In the past, we were at each other's place every night.

Sounds like your guy, just takes things really slow like mine. If you know you have found a good guy, I'd say stay with it. My Future Sister in law bought her house with her booyfriend a few years before they were married, but they knew they were heading in that direction. If you do buy a house together, just get some legal document incase things don't work out so both of you are covered.

I just turned 31. I thought I would have been married by now and thinking of having kids. My fiance just got layed off so we may not have enough money for a wedding which may delay a wedding until I am 33 or 34. And kids WILL come after we are married. I guess it's a good thing I have no desire to have kids at this point. Good luck and I think it will all work itself out.

Beth
 
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