Need advice/support for a friend

E

elsie3

Cathlete
Hello everyone!

You guys are the best at support and advice, so I just know that someone will be able to help me.

I have a good friend who is struggling right now. She's afraid she might have a body image problem. Here's the scenario: She is in her late 30's and has always been thin and able to eat whatever she wants. But things have now changed and she will gain weight. She is a runner and has been trying to run more and eat better, but is still having trouble. To compound the problem, her husband is currently serving in Afghanistan and will be coming home in October for a short visit. She's afraid that he will think she's gained weight and won't find her attractive any more. Personally, I can't see a difference--but we know every flaw on our own bodies way too well, don't we? If I understand her correctly, she is having a problem with the "rules" all of a sudden changing on her. She would like to be able to still eat the things she likes, but isn't opposed to adopting some eating changes. As I mentioned, she is a runner, but I don't think she does any type of strength training. And she just got a stress fracture in her foot from her increased running. She's also afraid that the fracture might have been caused by her eating too few calories in an attempt to lose weight.

I've always had a weight problem; and while I can completely relate to how it gets harder and harder over the years to keep my weight down, I don't know what it feels like to be her. Has anyone out there gone through the same thing: i.e. being thin and able to eat anything one day and then all of a sudden not being able to? What did you do? What advice would you give?

Any input would be appreciated. I've referred her to this site, but I don't know if she's checked it out yet. If not, I'll print your replies and give them to her.

Thanks,

Carol F
 
Carol,

Hi! I don't know all the details, but her body may be in starvation mode. Maybe she is not eating enough calories now. That stress fracture is not good at all. She may be overdoing her running. She may need to decrease her mileage and do some cross training and weight lifting. Maybe her body needs a nice week of rest!

If she has been under stress. The body releases a hormone called Cortisol that can make you gain weight around the middle. Some Yoga and stretching could help ease the stress.

I am sure her husband will still find her very attractive!!!

I hope she starts feeling better emotionally and physically. Keep us posted.

Have a great day!!

Beverly
 
Tell her that she have a good friend who wants to help her. In this time a good friend is a treasure.The people that loves her is going to still loving her overweight or thin.If his husband loves her he is still loving her when he will come back and if he won't stay loving her do not deserve the effort. You have to be fit and healthy for you not for anyone else.Cathe workouts can help her. These are fun, and the fun factor is very important to stay working out. The weight training will help her to lose and mantain the weight, you know the muscle burn more calories.I would buy ME and present this to her.And what do you think about to working out together? . I was overweight two years ago and I lost 40 lb working out and taking care my eating habits a little. I had a day of indulgence in the week. During this day I could eat pizza, a dessert and that helped me.I have not been in the same situation as your friend but hopes this help.
 
Hi Carol F.

I actually had kind of a different response to this than everyone else (except for the part about you being a caring friend). I think your friend could be at risk for depression, an eating disorder, or both. I'm a psychologist who works with this population, so maybe I'm just wary, but your friend is vulnerable in several ways that potentially set her up for this. She is alone with lots of uncertainty about how her husband is faring over there (just because she hasn't mentioned concern about this doesn't mean it isn't here - perhaps just too scary to talk openly about) and what will happen when he gets back. Her body is changing after years of being a certain familiar way. She just got a stress fracture, likely because she isn't getting sufficient calories (these injuries are very common in eating disordered individuals). Lots of life related uncertainty and stress + body dissatisfaction and fear + behavior that is associated with dieting/restricting = vulnerability for the development of an eating disorder. These disorders appear to be all about body concerns, but they are also in large part a way of coping or dealing with an uncertain world (this may sound strange, but how many of you have started to diet when other things were going wrong in your life? Doesn't dieting give you a sense of control, at least at first?). She is so much in this position right now.

So, what should you do? While this site is a wonderful resource, I found myself thinking that perhaps your friend is needing something more than exercise advice. Maybe she needs you to just be there and listen to the deeper concerns (believe me, just having someone willing to listen is so powerful). Maybe you could probe about the difficulty of having a husband so far away - while she might break down and cry, you didn't make it happen - you freed her up to consider and express emotions she couldn't do before. Don't feel guilty and apologize - just sit with her and listen and give your support in the way that you give it. You don't have to solve it either - just validating how hard this must be for her will do wonders. Of course, she may say, nah, I'm fine with it, I'm really just worried about the changes in my body. If she does, let me know, I'll be interested. I just feel a lot of empathy for how much in her world must suddenly feel confusing and fearful.

Hope this helps...
 
Hi: I'm the friend. Thanks so much for your thoughts and ideas. I will keep in mind that cortisol detail. And I think maybe it IS time to do some strength training. Now that I can't use my foot for six weeks, I don't have much choice. But don't worry - it turns out the injury was just tendonitis - I'm not starving myself. Thanks again.
-Pamela C:D
 
Hi: I'm the friend. Thanks for the wonderful thoughts. And, yes, I do have a wonderful friend. I am very lucky that way.
-Pamela C
 
From Carol's friend: a big thank you for taking the time to share your ideas on my situation. I think you could sense that there are a lot of issues here. Most of all, my friend has really been there for me in just the way you described in your response. And you are right - sometimes that has been the best "cure" of all! She listens and VALIDATES me all the time and that is something I truly treasure! As for my husband, he has said a few comments in the past that have made me overly sensitive to his concept of how "fat" or "skinny" I am. I try to get confidence on my own, but I'm not very good at that. As for worrying about him - I really don't worry as much as you might suppose. It would make sense to, but I believe I have been blessed with an incredible amount of peace concerning his safety. I miss him a lot, and I am anxious for his return, but I am also VERY WORRIED about what our relationship will be like when he comes back. That is where most of my current stress comes from - that and parenting issues with special needs children. There's a lot on my plate right now, so I really appreciated your ideas and it helped me keep things in perspective. Thank goodness for friends, eh?
-Pamela C:D
 
Pamela,

Hi! I just wanted to say, starvation mode does not mean you are necesarrily starving yourself. It means you may not be eating enough to compensate for all the running. I think I may have upset you. I did not mean to..

Sorry

Beverly
 
I wanted to chime in here for a few reasons. My BF was deployed overseas with the Army for 14 months and returned about 6 months ago. About three months before his return, he came home for leave for 8 days. I was so nervous on both returns I thought I’d die! There are so many emotions and difficulties within a deployment for the party left at home and just as many emotions that come into them visiting or coming home “permanently” that are so hard to understand until you are experiencing. My advice to your friend is to take care of herself in all ways. Emotionally, physically, mentally, every way there is. When he comes home to visit, he wants to be with the ones that he loves, have some home cooked food and disconnect from the desert. He will love to see you no matter what and I think you will be surprised in that he won’t notice minor changes in your body. Just seeing you and holding you after a long, difficult separation is going to amaze him. The thing that I noticed when my BF came home is that he was so happy that everything at home was running smoothly. He never even noticed the little things that I was worried about the weeks before his return.

On the fitness front, it’s always better to feel confident than upset about your fitness, right? Since you are grounded by your tendonitis, why not try some weight work? I bet that it will be very effective on your body b/c you are shaking it up with something different and new and that you will see results from the variation. You can baby those legs for a bit and shift your focus. Then when you are ready, you can bounce back. It’ll be good for your body and soul and those changes will boost your self confidence!

GOOD LUCK and thank you to your husband and your family for sacrificing for our country!
 
Thank you so much! It is good to hear from someone who knows how it feels. You are probably right about him just being glad to see me. And I think I will take your advice and work on some strengthening exercises. It is probably just what I've been needing anyway. Thanks for the support and the advice and the gratitude. You're great!
 
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