Need Advice on 2nd Baby

[alandrum]

Hi, Congrats to all you ladies on here that are prego. I have a 9.5 month baby. I want to tell you my story and get some advice from you active moms out there. Right now I work 4 days a week in the corpate world and will need to go full time in 3/06 when I am done with my masters. My husband is a nurse. He wants to be a CRNA which he would have to go back to school for. He has to have one year of ICU experience so he would not even be able to apply until next Aug and then the whole process tasks abotu a year. So he would not start until the fall of 07. At that time I would be 31 and my sone will be 3. I will have to be working full time because he can not work in the program. They do not let you so it is not even a choice. He will be very busy and will not be able ot help out much. That leads me to my question. Should I have another before he goes to school or after?? Do not bring money or daycare in to the decision because we do not mind taking loans because he will make a good amount when done and his mom is watches Jacob now and will probably watch both of them or Jacob might go to daycare at my work if we feel he needs more interaction. So it is more about can I handle it on my own. Jacob is a doll. He sleeps good, eats good and is just plan good. I picture doing this with Jacob and I have no worries. The worries come in when I think about what this new child could bring and if it ending up being a lot more work then Jacob could i do it on my own. My husband will be around but for 2 years he will be very caught up in studying. Or do I wait until he is done and have kids that are 5 years apart. I just would like my kids to be close and want a close family. So i really want to have another one before he goes to school but i am scared I will not be able to handle it and I do not want my husband to not be able to concentrate on school. When he is done I will be able to go part time also. If I do it before I will have to get pregnant early next year. Remember also that I will be supporting our family during this time too. Thanks for any advice you can give. Amanda

 

[autumn]

Amanda,

I don't have any definitive answer for you. My first, my almost 5 y/o DD, was an easy baby. Everything was easy. My second, DS, is more difficult. He nursed all the time... I was a pacifier. He took longer to sleep through the night. He has refused to cooperate with his 1 year pictures for 2 weeks in a row now... sorry that is fresh in my mind from earlier today. DS is more demanding.

I see your concerns. I am happy we didn't have children when I went through nursing school or the Nurse Practitioner program. I completed my MSN after Sydney was born and while my DH was traveling Monday-Thursday to Chicago. I only worked part-time... very part-time teaching for the local ADN program and PRN in the family planning clinic. It was tough... I felt like a single mom. My DH completed his MBA a few weeks before DS was born.

Only you can answer the question if you can handle it on your own. Do you think you can handle it on your own if your baby is a more demanding baby than Jacob? I am sure you CAN, but do you want to?

Autumn

~I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is.~

 

[shopaholic]

Autumn, gave some great advice. You need to decide not if the time is right for you but for this second child as well. Will he/she get the same patience/love as your first did? Only you know the answer.
Don't feel 31 is old, I had my first at 34. Good luck, it is a hard decision.

 

[alandrum]

Thanks for your help ladies. I think I should wait because you are right what if I do not have the patience to give them both the time and love they need. I am so afraid I would hurt Jacob and I 's relationship. It could also put a strain on our marriage. I do not worry about waiting until my early 30's to have another but I worry that Jacob and the other baby might not be close if they are 5 years apart. Do you think they will still hang out and be close when they are young? I just want to have a close family and i worry the age difference would ruin that. Let me know your thoughts and experiences. Thanks

 

[lanesv]

Hi!
Well, your question is a complicated one and like others said, it really comes down to when you're ready and feel able to handle it.

That being said, the only thing I can offer as a mom of two toddlers (19 months apart) is that should you decide to try to get pregnant now, you will adjust and you will be amazed at how you are able to handle everything. We as mommies have a great ability to adapt to challenging lifestyles, and honestly, once you've had one baby there is a lot less anxiety (than when you went through first time motherhood stress). Every age difference has it's pro/con's so in the end you just had to trust your instincts.

I'm not sure if that is helpful at all! Just know that regardless of the age difference, your children will benefit from their interaction with one another. I also understand your stress, we recently have decided to try for baby #3! Actually, we won't start till this Fall, and we're looking at about a 3 1/2 yr age difference between the new baby and my second. I'm looking forward to a bigger age gap as I hope it will make things a bit easier on me. Good Luck!!

 

[Erin-F]

While only you can decide about when is the right time to have your second child, I thought I would give you my experience with the larger spacing. I have 5 kids, and with the 1st 4 we stuck to a spacing of 2 1/2 to 3 years. Number 4 was a real rip snorter -- much more emotional and expressive of those emotions. He was very physical as well. And mischievous . . . oh my goodness! We have some great "funny only MUCH later" stories about his toddlerhood and preschool years. It was, quite frankly, exhausting. It led us to the decision that if we had another, it would have to wait longer than previously. I just was not ready, and Nicholas wasn't ready FOR me to, to bring another child into the family. Long story short, we decided when Nicholas was 5 that wanted a 5th child, and were finally ready. It made the spacing between our youngest and the next oldest sibling just over 6 years. Between my youngest and my oldest is 14 years. I was very worried about the sibling relationships. Like you, I wanted my family to be close. Becca ( now 2 years old ) is absolutely nuts about all of her siblings, and vice versa. Just today 4 of the 5 were gathered on the living room floor, playing with blocks together. Nicholas, who is now 8, is her favorite story-reader. I have more freedom to do things like shower, work out, pull weeds in the yard, etc. because there are older siblings around to help keep an eye out for her. I still try to do my workouts during her naps, but if Becca wakes up before I'm done, instead of the workout being over, like with the 2 1/2 year spacing, I can ask a sibling to entertain her until I'm finished. Even a 5-year-old can play peek-a-boo through crib bars or otherwise keep the giggles coming long enough to finish up, and maybe even rinse off in the shower( I always hated nursing while sweaty, although Becca didn't care ).

I'm not saying that 5 years or more is the BEST spacing. I think we made the right decision for our family with the closer spacing of the other kids. So many factors go into child spacing, that there isn't, CAN'T be, one spacing that is right for every family, or even for every child within the same family. Because I also believe that the spacing between Nicholas and Becca was the right decision for our family. And even when we decide what we think is best, sometimes things totally out of our control change the outcome, such as how long it takes to conceive, miscarriages, and social conditions ( Sudden loss of a job, for example ). Our choice for spacing was actually a bit closer, but a miscarriage 6 months prior to conceiving Becca pushed things back. With all of the love and care you have to offer your kids, you will have a close, loving family no matter WHAT the spacing between them. Just the fact that you are concerned about it will mean that you will make encouraging those relationships a priority. You are obviously a great mom. The spacing of your kids won't change that.