need advice in-law troubles

[janie1234]

Okay I need advice. I hate to ask but I want to make sure that I'm not overreacting and I know everyone here will be honest. To make a long story short. My MIL passed away. She was my best friend. Her house sold. It was to hard for me to go in the house so soon after she died to so I didn't. My husbands brothers, their wives and children went and cleaned out the house.

My SIL right after my MIL passed took possesion of all her jewlery, took it to an appraiser and is now accusing the maids of stealing jewlery since the appraiser said that most of the jewlery was costume. She sent an e-mail saying that "I thought Mom had more expensive stuff. I hope that the maids didn't steal anything." My MIL had a lot of jewlery. Catier and Tiffanys. I'm irritated because I know that the maids did not take anything because I was there with my MIL when she emptied her safe and all her valuables and because so soon after she died my SIL is appraising her jewlery. I mean who give a rats behind if it is real or not. I could care less. She also has 3 daughters who got most of the jewlery. My other SIL has 2 daughters and I have 1. My daughter got 1 peice of jewlery a locket of significant personal value but not monetary value.

My other SIL's daughter took most of the furniture 70% of it and sold my MIL's car less than a week after she died. I know it was my choice to not help empty the house to claim things but my heart was not in it. I just feel like they are all a bunch of leeches. I mean this was a person whom I loved and always will. She hasn't even been dead for 2 months. They were never there when she was alive but after she dies everyone is around to claim things.

All I wanted and got were her knitting needles, a ball of kitchen twine, my daughter got a locket, her wedding dress, and 2 antique dressers and now I'm feeling bad because I didn't claim more things to pass down to my children who were very close to her. We saw her every week when she was alive. My husband and I got into a huge fight because I told him that I felt that his family was insensitive. I am so sad.

 

[TeTe]

Wow, your daughter got her wedding dress? Sounds like you came out great!

I lived with my grandmother for 18 years. Her house was my home. When she died, I got her glasses; a 1936 Searchlight cookbook, where she saved recipes she'd clipped out of magazines and newspapers, and wrote notes to herself like "not good, don't use"; a jar of buttons; and a picture of her when she was about 16 and she looks just like me. My only regret is that I was so stupid that I didn't save every letter she wrote to me.

There are many "gifts" that you can give your children from their grandmother. They won't find the person she was in a piece of furniture or a set of dishes. Just tell them about the times the two of you had together, show them pictures of her, let them read her letters. These things are so much more important.

 

[fitxme]

Unfortunately, death brings out the very worse in people. It's so sad when that happens, but it is a reality so we just have to live with that.

It's not about what you have or what you don't have...it is what you do with the legacy that your mother in law left behind. Just make sure that she is always in your hearts and mind...that's what matters most.

Material things are nothing...they wither away eventually.

As time goes on, you will have much peace and you will feel good knowing that you did right by your mother in law. The others may not be so lucky and what a shame because you can't undo the past....we only get one chance.

 

[ImFiddY]

Please, PLEASE, step back from this. This is your husbands fight NOT yours. Dividing everything up is your husband and his sisters job. It's not your place.

I think you are taking your pain and loss and making everything all about you. Your children received some nice things. Honor your MIL by not making this a big deal. Honor her with your memories and give up this petty fight with your in-laws. How would she feel if she knew how you were causing problems in your marriage by these issues.

Stop it. Life is too short for this stuff. Let your in-laws do what they want with the estate. Shrug your shoulders and move on with your own life.

 

[pink_fortitude]

It sounds like you got the greatest gift of all: your MIL's love and friendship. You can pass that down to your children, and it will leave a legacy grander than any piece of jewelry, antique, or any other thing that you can sell for a price. The greatest things in life are not things, so don't worry about what your SILs are doing because you got the real treasure.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Melissa

 

[janie1234]

Thanks everyone. I feel better. I will cherish the memories. I think that you are all right, . . when it boils down to it, . . it doesn't really matter. The cancer took her so violently and fast. She literally died right before my very eyes, . . . . that changes a person. I thought I would have more time with her and maybe my grief is being channeled through my anger.

ImFiddy. I know that this is actually my husband, his brothers,and my FIL's battle. I would be thrilled if the brothers and my FIL made the decisions. They are the surviving kin after all. Unfortunately it is the sister in laws, making all the calls. Thing is my FIL, and his brothers, . . they really don't care about it. Not that they don't love their mom and wife it's just that they just don't find any sentimental value in the material things. My FIL is so deafeated having lost his wife of 58 years, being forced to move from his home, community, and church. He is really depressed and wants nothing to do with it.

 

[ldy_solana]

i can totally see your point. i mean they are worried about value of things. things your MIL couldn't take with her so what value do they really have anyway?? but take comfort in something, you had the most valuable thing from her that they will never get to experience and what was her love and her wisdom as a person. i think its great you had this outstanding relationship with your mother in law. i almost envy you b/c i can't always see eye to eye with mine LOL.

but its stuff its nice to have but don't worry about it b/c i don't think she would be really. a lot of family behaved this way when my DH's grandparents passed on. really sad they behave like that b/c they don't get what those ppl meant to us and there is nothing in their home that has been more valuable then their unconditional love for their grandson and to me as well.sorry nobody else got to really feel that in their life, i don't envy them i feel sad for them.

kassia

 

[fit_fairy]

It's so sad to see people bickering over material things when loved ones pass away

 

[pixiesis]

Please, PLEASE, step back from this. This is your husbands fight NOT yours. Dividing everything up is your husband and his sisters job. It's not your place.

I think you are taking your pain and loss and making everything all about you. Your children received some nice things. Honor your MIL by not making this a big deal. Honor her with your memories and give up this petty fight with your in-laws. How would she feel if she knew how you were causing problems in your marriage by these issues.

Stop it. Life is too short for this stuff. Let your in-laws do what they want with the estate. Shrug your shoulders and move on with your own life.

I thought this was an insensitive post. I don't think the OP is being petty like you say; rather she is upset about the pettiness around her, so soon after a death which she is still processing...

Janie, you've gotten some great advice. You are clearly mourning and maybe you are trying to evade your sadness by focusing on your in-laws' behavior, which is painful but probably much less painful than the loss you have suffered. I think you have some deeper issues to deal with and being upset about your in-laws is a distraction from your real and deeper pain.

You will process this and mourn in your own time and in your own way. In the meantime, try not to pay attention to your in-laws. It's also possible that they are mourning this in their own way, too. (((HUGS)))

 

[lightening16]

Janie

I know that it is very hard to loose someone that close especially when it is so quick and to something so awful as cancer. When my FIL died I had so much anger that I vented in other ways. She was your best friend and you are grieving. Yes her house is being handled poorly but you need to talk to someone about your feelings, like maybe a grief counsellor.

Heather

 

[janie1234]

Thank you, thank you everyone for your kind words of support and advice. It has been only 6 weeks and when I think of her my heart just breaks. It feels like a piece of me is missing and with the holidays comming, . . . . it is just going to be so hard. It helps so much to talk about it here and get honest advice. I know now that grief is expressed in so many different ways, . .the other day I had all her pictures laid out on the floor trying to remember her for fear of forgetting. I know I'm getting upset over things that typically I could care less for. My deepest thanks to everyone who posted.